Can someone please explain to me why on earth Tiki Barber and Chris Collinsworth are reporting for the Olympics? Weren’t there enough washed up former Olympic athletes out there? It’s bad enough that gymnastics subjects us to Elfie Schlegel, Tim Dagget and Al Trautwig (or as I refer to him, Troutmouth). This is like a Sunday Night Football nightmare.
Wait, where’s The Bus?
Filed under: General on August 19th, 2008 | No Comments »
Perhaps I am the football Miss Cleo afterall! Or perhaps Eric Mangini has been reading my blog? While doubtful, Brett Favre is now a New York Jet and Chad Pennington was briefly out of a job. That is until the Dolphins realized that the only thing worse than one completely embarrassing season was two. Good work Miami, if your goal was to keep your team as far away from the end zone as possible, Chad is an excellent choice!
Speaking of really stupid quarterback choices, what is wrong with Pittsburgh? I mean, besides that it is Pittsburgh. With Charlie Batch injured, they felt the need to sign a new back up for that fat kid from Findlay. So they chose…Byron Leftwich? They could’ve had Daunte Culpepper, who admittedly has gone downhill in the last few seasons, at least he can move without breaking his ankle. Even Atlanta didn’t want Byron Leftwich? Lame Pittsburgh, way lame.
Did you hear in Baltimore they played Michael Phelps final race after the Ravens pre-season game vs the Vikings? Well of course they did. Ravens fans don’t have anything else to cheer for! It’s pretty sad when you’re at a football game and something on TV is much more exciting. The media is bashing Troy Smith by the way, about an apparently lack luster performance. It was on par with Kyle Boller. I thought Kyle-bot’s experience was supposed to lead them to the promised land? Trust me on this, go with Troy Smith and forget Kyle ever happened.
And about those Olympics, what’s going on in gymnastics scoring? In what planet is it ok for someone to have two terrible landings and win a gold medal?
Filed under: Sports on August 18th, 2008 | No Comments »
That’s a quote from my dad…I find it delightful.
So I’ve been quite absent from blogging lately due to the arrival of my daughter, Elise, on July 10. A surprise induction really fit in well with my birth plan of “wingin’ it”. She is totally worth going an entire day without eating and being awake for almost 26 hours (no, I was NOT in labor that long, I just didn’t get any sleep the night before).
With the fast approaching football season, I have plenty to blog about today. First, let’s talk about Fav-Ray. Couldn’t he just go out on top of his career and be happy? Seriously, he’s just a pest at this point! Do you think Aaron Rogers is ready to Tonya Harding the old unicorn yet? Personally, I think the Packers should let him go…right to the Bears. Only because it would be fantastic to watch Brett take over for Rex and Kyle, who are the most arrogant quarterbacks in the NFL….and they are both terrible. Speaking of terrible quarterbacks, is J.P. Losman still crying?
Reason # 518 why the Ravens won’t be going to the Super Bowl: They are letting Kyle-bot start in their pre-season opener. This means that they are still giving him a chance to be a quarterback. Kyle’s “experience” earns him this honor. Experience?? Apparently John Harbaugh has never seen Kyle play. He’ll be joining my friend Brian in the unemployment lines before too long…
Eric Mangini hasn’t decided who will be the Jets 2008 starting quarterback. Dear Eric, have you spoken with Favre? I hear he’s probably going to be looking for a new team. He’s really your best option if you plan on winning games this season. Honestly…unsure who will start? Did he forget last season? Why weren’t they spending the off season QB shopping? Reason # 789 the Jets won’t be making a play off birth….
Filed under: General on August 6th, 2008 | 1 Comment »
Cincinnati news never ceases to amaze me. If they’re not pulling bodies from the river, they are pulling live people from dumpsters. A man claiming to be from West Chester was hiding from the rain in a dumpster in Anderson Township when Rumpkee came to empty said dumpster. Naturally, this man, who was referred to as “the shoeless man”, ended up inside the garbage truck. Luckily Rumpkee’s finest was able to hear the man yelling for help and call 911 for some assistance.
This is about 27 kinds of ridiculous. First, no one from West Chester goes without shoes. They barely go without a Lexus! Even the high school kids tend to have better cars than what I’ve got. Second, Anderson Township is like 30 miles away!! Apparently the man claims to have walked to Anderson Township from a store in Covington, which is only like 27 miles away from West Chester, but still about 25 miles from Anderson. There are no transients in West Chester, the man simply won’t allow it. Finally, he crawled into a dumpster that was behind a convenience store to hide from the rain. Why not just go IN the store? That whole, “No shoes, no shirt, no service”, thing is probably not going to be enforced by the 18 year old kid behind the counter. That kid doesn’t stop theft either. Oh, and when I say “that kid”, I am simply referring to what I would have done if I worked a convenience store counter.
Thankfully our shoeless transient was not injured in the making of this foolish reality. He was apparently checked out and released at a nearby hospital. Released to where? Who knows. However, I hope the next time he’s “hiding from the rain” (aka dumpster diving), I hope he’s wearing shoes at least. Who knows what kinds of garbage is in there…..
Filed under: Life in Cincinnati, Nonsense on July 5th, 2008 | No Comments »
This is the story of a girl who is unemployed and growing increasingly more lazy by the minute. She spent some time today browsing some blogs about desserts. After seeing recipe after recipe for things like “tiramisushi” and “chai tea cupcakes” I’ve learned something important about myself. I’m just an ice cream kind of girl. No really, explain to me why I would want to eat sushi of any kind, much less tiramisu sushi?? Why not save myself the trouble of rolling it up and just make tiramisu?
I like my dessert yummy, hold the frill. I don’t need fancy names, dipping sauces or for pity’s sake 14 different kinds of meringue. I like cherry cordial ice cream or dark chocolate cupcakes. Rosewater frosting need not apply.
I like cake and I like green tea, but I won’t be making green tea cake with red bean filling anytime soon. Mostly because it sounds gross, but also the picture looked more like those Little Debbie Christmas Tree cakes than anything fancy.
Filed under: General on June 26th, 2008 | No Comments »
“It’s 2008, I can assume she didn’t flee on horseback”. Yeah, see blog posting below. Well guess what, Christopher Crosby, the 25 year old fugitive in Clermont County, IS fleeing on horseback. Apparently he’s believed to be on his third stolen horse at this point, yet our little rhinestone cowboy has yet to get out of Clermont County. He’s believed to be just living in the woods. Sounds like it’s time for residents to stock up on carrots and sugar cubes..then get their pitchforks ready.
In WHY NOT MEEEEE! news, one of the four Butler County inmates who tried to escape from jail last month tried to escape again today. Ok, so the first guy flicks off news cameras, the second guy spits and curses at the judge while his Hamil-tucky family goes crazy in the courtroom, then this guy takes off running through the courthouse and gets tased. He took off down the stairs which leads to the security post which is manned at all times by about 5 sheriff’s deputies, all standing around talking. This escape was not well planned, the closing arguments must have really gotten to him. As a career juror, I have to tell you, this would have made my day. However, as a human being, I probably would have wet myself if the guy on trial got up and started running. Especially since the exits of the courtrooms require them to run passed the jury. This jury went on to convict this idiot (shocking, I know), and I’m sure this stunt…and the last stunt ..and the 8 counts he was convicted of will really make the judge sympathetic.
Filed under: Life in Cincinnati, Nonsense on June 24th, 2008 | No Comments »
I want to know who is writing headlines in this town. No, really..it’s getting out of hand with stupidity. For instance, “Westwood Shooting Victim Taken To Hospital”. Well, where do you suppose we take them, BW3’s? While they might enjoy a tasty cardboard container of wings, that’s probably not on their mind after they got shot. Furthermore, why is a shooting in Westwood news anyways? Even better, in the story of a woman shot in Colerain you’ll find this line, “The woman fired off two shots and then fled in a car,”. It’s 2008, I can assume she didn’t flee on horseback. Unless you have some sort of description of “car” this isn’t helpful information. There’s a lot of people with cars, but not many people fleeing on speckled ponies. You get what I’m saying.
Oh, just by the way, Mt. Adams wants YOU! to help solve their parking dilemma. My solution is to avoid Mt. Adams. Perhaps these people should decrease their level of pretension and spend their $500,000 on a house that has a garage, or at least a driveway. By the way, $500,000 is the low end of the no parking housing in Mt. Adams. Again, the real solution is just to avoid Mt. Adams.
And finally, ridiculous news unrelated to Cincinnati. Pacman Jones no longer wants to be known as “Pacman”. Apparently there’s some “bad stuff” associated with his nickname. He won’t sign autographs as “Pacman” and would prefer to be called Adam or “Mr. Jones”. Seriously? This guy is 24, I won’t be referring to him as Mr. anything…well, maybe Mr. Pacman. Look NFL Diddy, you can change your name a hundred times and you’ll STILL be the same person, and we’ll STILL make fun of you.
Filed under: Life in Cincinnati, Nonsense on June 23rd, 2008 | No Comments »
So, I’m a jury target. You think I’m kidding? I’ve been called for jury duty three times in four years in two counties. My husband has fallen victim to my curse, as he received his summons for Grand Jury this week. I cannot wait to call the Butler County sheriff’s department when I go into labor and beg them to get my husband out of court. So anyways, the jury loves me.
Four years ago, just before my wedding I was placed on a 10 day medical malpractice trial. Allow me to sum it up for you: 10 days of listening to arrogant doctors talk about how fantastic they are because they’ve been published, meanwhile no one could explain why the doctor involved actually did anything wrong! However, $12.5 million would’ve made the plaintiff ( A.K.A. family of the deceased) feel better. You know what would’ve made ME feel better? Not flushing two weeks of my life down the toilet because some walking time bomb had a heart attack. In his next life, I hope that guy takes better care of himself or at least doesn’t lie to his doctors. Lying to your doctors really doesn’t help your case in the jury room. As foreman of that jury I’m proud to say we actually spent more time eating pizza and making fun of the lawyers than we did deliberating. Frivolous law suits make me wish for better checks and balances in our justice system.
About a year and a half later I was called for jury duty in Hamilton County. Luckily my status as a student prevented me from having to serve. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the jury duty itself that bothers me (although, seriously..is minimum wage too much to ask?!) it’s the extreme stupidity you’re exposed to not only from other potential jurors but from the people involved in the case as well that annoys me. Further proving we have not evolved as people, if anything..we’re regressing.
A few weeks ago I was called for jury duty again. When I’m told to be there at 8:30, I’m on time. The court can’t tell time, as we weren’t moved to the court room and seated until nearly 10:45. For over two hours I was subjected to the smartest people Hamilton had to offer. I was ready to stab myself before I ever even entered the courtroom. Of course they placed me on the jury, because who wouldn’t want a 7 1/2 month pregnant lady on their jury?! This case wasn’t civil, it was criminal. Oh, it was criminal alright, criminally dumb. It was the rape case with no evidence of rape. Brought to you in part by Hamilton, pitchforks and the letter L (for liar). I’ll spare you all the details and leave it at this: teenage girls should learn to get their stories straight, hillbillies will storm your house for any reason so watch your stuff, and Hamilton police are one step above Cincinnati police on the OneStrayPea competence scale.
As foreman of THIS jury (it’s going on my resume now) I’m pleased to announce we actually DID deliberate, for like an hour and a handful of minutes. Trust me when I say this, especially if you ever plan on becoming a prosecutor. If 99% of your evidence supports the defendants version of events, you can’t convict them. Apparently no one on that grand jury had any sense….again, can we get some real checks and balances in this justice system? Someday maybe I’ll get to watch my tax dollars work……
Filed under: Nonsense, Squawk Box on June 6th, 2008 | No Comments »
“Man Pays Wife’s $25,000 Bond In Cash”
This headline seemed so stupid I had to read the accompanying article. A woman being charged with running a national prostitution ring had her husband post her bail in $1, $5, $10, $20, $50, and $100 dollar bills. This is almost as bad as posting your bail in change. Yong Williams of Cheviot was arrested in Covington (naturally) on charges of driving prostitutes across state lines and laundering her pimp earnings. You know, because just laundering money isn’t bad enough. Her husband listed sources of money as family and friends, I suppose all of those clients who support you could be considered friends? However, the icing on the cake to this story comes from John Doe No. 20, an out of state minister. He complains that the female who performed a paid for sex act on him talked on her cell phone the entire time. He says, “I don’t expect them to be interested, but they could pretend.” Better yet John Doe No. 20, you could be a minister who doesn’t pay for sex. I hope he at least took off the W.W.J.D. bracelet for this, because I’m pretty sure Jesus wouldn’t pay for sex.
“Dispute Over Planned Parenthood In Westwood”
Ok, this new Planned Parenthood is scheduled to open about 2 miles from another Planned Parenthood. Parents aren’t protesting the OLD Planned Parenthood, just the new one because it will be a negative influence on the kids in the neighborhood. Apparently just being in Westwood isn’t a bad enough influence on the kids? As a former resident of this upstanding community *insert laugh here* I get to say these things.
“Expect These NFL Teams To Miss The Playoffs Again”
The boys at Yahoo! Sports have come up with a mind-blowing list of teams that they think will miss the playoffs this coming season. This list includes: New York Jets, Cleveland Brown, Kansas City Chiefs, Detroit Lions, Arizona Cardinals. Who compiled this list, a 5 year old?! Was someone at the water cooler like, “Hey guys, I’ve got an idea…let’s predict that the 5 worst teams in the NFL won’t make the playoffs”. DUMB. Picking no brainer teams isn’t very edgy, this list is as ridiculous as picking the Falcons vs. Ravens for next years Super Bowl match up. Lame, Yahoo!, lame.
Filed under: Life in Cincinnati, Sports on June 3rd, 2008 | No Comments »
Nearly all 85 players at the Baltimore Ravens mini-camp were involved in a brawl over pretty much nothing. Apparently someone was tackled, and then people started throwing punches. However, the guy throwing punches (initially) was not the guy who was tackled. At least this is what I can gather from the NFL.com article. I should probably just go ahead and blame this on old Brian too. If no one else, can we at least blame Cam Cameron? With a name (and record) that bad, he probably starts controversy to divert attention.
This nugget is sweet. Christ Henry wants to go play in Dallas. You know, the same Dallas that acquired Pacman Jones. Please Jesus, let this dream come true! Can you imagine? T.O. would be in a corner somewhere CRYING while Pacman and Henry were being arrested..daily. Chris stopped punching people in the face long enough to mention that he would also like to go play in New Orleans, but this isn’t funny as they have nothing to lose…besides 16 games. I’m glad that Chris has taken time to dream big during his house arrest. It’s worth noting here that Dallas has not shown any interest in Chris, perhaps its the hair?
Cincinnati continues its quest for the dumb. Shaun Alexander wants to come to Cincinnati, but why should they bother? When you already have 4 running backs, why acquire another? It’s not as if Cincinnati needs to replenish it’s linebackers or anything..not with the laughable potential of Odell returning. Don’t you think the Bengals should take notes from the Reds? Don’t you remember the last time this town brought a hometown boy back from Seattle? Disaster. The best thing Shaun Alexander has to look forward to in this town is injured reserve.
Finally, the biggest jokes come from the Chicago Bears. GM Jerry Angelo calls Cedric Benson’s arrest, “not good for business”. You know, because Rex is. Oh wait, Kyle Orton is going to trump Rexie this year and obtain the starting position. Yes, also good for business. Why doesn’t Lovie just let Brian Urlacher throw? I mean, at least the dismal QB performances would make sense then.
By the way, did you hear Jay Cutler has diabetes? It’s the reason he was so terrible last season. Apparently it is very difficult to throw a football when one is in a diabetic coma.
PS - Congratulations to J.P. Losman, (who’s whining has rivaled Chad Johnson’s) not only does your entire team hate you but you’re STILL not being traded.
Filed under: Nonsense, Sports on May 12th, 2008 | 2 Comments »
