NFL Week 7: Bengals Continue Their Quest For First Round Draft Pick (Who Will Inevitably Suck)
Yep, we’re back to normal in Cincinnati. We don’t know what to do if we’re not home to the worst team in the NFL.
Baltimore Ravens vs. Miami Dolphins
I don’t know what has gotten into Miami this season…who do they think they are, winning and stuff? It’s almost as ridiculous as Joe Flacco still playing. In my wildest dreams I would never dreamed I’d be doing this but I’m picking Miami…by 3..against the aging defense of the Ravens. That whole Ronnie Brown thing…you get the picture.
Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Cincinnati Bengals
You can read the title and see how I feel about this game. On my birthday no less…shameful Bengals. Will Carson ever get over this sissy-itis? I mean really dude, it’s way out of hand. When my joints hurt, I still have to go to work. There’s no “injured reserve” for nurses. Anyways, that fat kid from Findlay is going to come to town, there will be more Terrible Towels than Bengals jerseys in the stands and I’ll be at home cheering for the Giants. Steelers by 14….and that’s just at the half. The best thing that can happen here is a Fitzpatrick injury. I’m over him.
New Orleans Saints vs. Carolina Panthers
This game will probably be more exciting than the Bengals/Steelers match up. Sad, huh? Sure, the Saints won last week but really…the Raiders. Not being killed by a fan in silver and black is pretty much a win in and of itself. However facing Jake’s bionic elbow (Carson take note) is a different challenge. The Panthers have been oddly impressive this year, creepy I know. But, I think the Saints can take them. Saints by 3, Drew, please leave your Ray Lewis impressions off the field, I was embarrassed for you.
San Francisco 49′ers vs. New York Giants
Eli, you had better not let me down on my birthday. Getting stomped by the Browns…that was gross. The Browns who could only beat the Bengals were able to beat the Giants. My heart still aches. Meanwhile, the dismal 49′ers are coming to town reminding us how terrible football is on the west coast. Tom Coughlin probably sacrificed someone from the practice squad over last weeks loss to prove his point (and no doubt used the F word a lot…we can read those lips loud and clear, Tom). Giants by 17.
Minnesota Vikings vs. Chicago Bears
I have no reason for hating the Bears as much as I do, I admit it. That being said, I really wish I believed the Vikings had a chance. Even if Rex played, I don’t think the Vikings have a chance. Gus, you’re that bad. Sure, you beat the Lions, but most high school teams could beat the Lions. I picked the Steelers and the Bears…gross. Bears by 10.
Tennessee Titans vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Larry Johnson violates team rules, effectively blows away any chance the Chiefs had of being relatively competitive in this game. No, it’s not realistic to believe they might have won, but they would probably look prettier losing if Larry Johnson played. You see who my pick is…Titans by 7.
San Diego Chargers vs. Buffalo Bills
Finally, a team I believe can beat the Bills….but they’re coming from the West Coast. Trent Edwards is back, proving that JP Losman is still the worlds greatest bench warmer. Man, he’s still fun to pick on, even when he doesn’t play. I’m going to hope this prediction comes true…Phil, dry your tears. San Diego by 10.
Dallas Cowboys vs. St. Louis Rams
With Romo possibly out with a papercut, Adam Jones back to being Pacman, and the Cowboys franchise being hit hard with fines, Jerry Jones is probably locked in a closet drinking moonshine from his boots. Even with all this drama, the Rams still won’t win. You know why? Because they used up their one win of the season last week. Dallas by 14. By the way, Jerry Jones is only 66…..whoa. There’s a public service message in there somewhere…..it might start with wear sunscreen.
Detroit Lions vs. Houston Texans
The Texans will start a winning streak with this game. Kitna is out, which doesn’t really mean much in the grand scheme of things in Detroit…it just means someone even worse than he is will be manning the ship. The Texans even have a chance at a blow out! Meh, maybe not. Houston by 10.
Indianapolis Colts vs. Green Bay Packers
Peyton had extra knee surgery blah blah blah. Why is that the only news coming out of Indy? Meanwhile, Al Harris is out for the Packers. The Packers look nice this season, and the Colts had a rough start but I think they’re on the rebound..Colts by 14.
Cleveland Browns vs. Washington Redskins
Last week the Browns owned the Giants and the Redskins lost to the Rams. This week situation will return to normal and the Redskins will be back on top. There’s no way the Browns will win three in a row, it’s pretty much impossible. They should’ve just stayed home. Redskins by 24.
New York Jets vs. Oakland Raiders
The magical unicorn should hold onto his helmet (and his wallet) this week. I hope there’s a Lambaeu Leap into the Black Hole this week…although watching Favre get stabbed may or may not be the kind of entertainment I’m looking for. What I’m really saying is, the Raiders don’t have a chance. Jets by 7.
Seattle Seahawks vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Seahawks are also competing for worst team in the NFL I think. Seneca Wallis will be starting this week which can only mean one thing. There’s even LESS of a chance that Tampa Bay will lose. Buccaneers by 21.
Denver Broncos vs. New England Patriots
8 weeks ago this seemed like a much more exciting game. With Brady hurt and the inferior Matt Cassel playing, it’s become the kind of Monday Night Football game I could fall asleep to. New England will probably keep it close, but Jay Cutler will pull some sort of trickery at the end and the Broncos will win by like 1. It’s how they are always winning.
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