Minnesota Vikings vs. Chicago Bears *NFC North Match-Up*
Vikings QB Tavaris Jackson could return this week, but will it even matter? The biggest news story on the Vikings webpage is that they have season ticket holders in all 50 states, and even like 6 other countries. You know your town hates your team when… The Vikings have a better chance of winning if they stay in the locker room eating Campbell’s Chunky Soup until the half. There’s a host of banged up Bears, but I still think they will eat the Vikings alive. Sort of like real bears would do. Chicago by 14.
Miami Dolphins vs. Cleveland Browns
I can’t believe I’m choosing Cleveland because they are definitely the better team. I can’t believe Cleveland is an AFC contender. This really sickens me and causes me to lose faith in the greater good of humanity. This little Brown’s team went to the endzone (and will win by 9), this little Dolphins team had none…and Joey Porter will cry wee! Wee! Wee! all the way home.
Washington Redskins vs. Green Bay Packers
Brett, you broke my heart last week, throwing your record breaking interception. However, this week you’re playing a Redskins team who isn’t fully healthy..wait, I said this last week too didn’t I? It’ll be a game at Lambeau field. I pick the Packers by 3. Don’t mess it up Brett, world peace depends on you.
Houston Texans vs. Jacksonville Jaguars *AFC South Match-Up*
The Jaguars were trying out Mike Vanderjagt? Why? Just shoot yourself in the foot why don’t you….there’s a reason old, cranky Bill Parcell’s kicked him to the curb last year. Actually, for humors sake I wish it would work out. Anyways, in this AFC south battle, they are still playing like any of these teams will win in their division. I pick the Jaguars, because they’re on a roll and really, because I still can’t name a single player for the Texans. Is there a guy with the last name Schaub? I don’t even know….Jags by 7.
Cincinnati Bengals vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Oh Cincy, why do you hate us? Why is everyone injured or suspended?! Le Sigh. I totally believe the Bengals can pull this one out and get themselves back on track. However, the Chiefs are looking to get their offense moving, which is totally possible since the entire defense for the Bengals is sick, or their hand hurts. It’ll be all Who-Dey offense this week, Bengals by 7. PS – Leon Hall, remember to TURN AROUND and WATCH THE PLAY..seriously, I can’t wait until you get beaned in the back of the head by a football.
Tennessee Titans vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Here’s a game I won’t mind missing. Tampa Bay is full of injuries and I foresee Vince Young dancing all over the field. I mean, yeah, Tampa Bay is 3-2, but Tampa Bay beat the Saints and the Rams….it’s not like they re-invented football. Titans will win by 10.
St. Louis Rams vs. Baltimore Ravens
The Rams are really looking to turn things around, and they feel optimistic since they ALMOST beat the Cardinals last week….there’s nothing positive to say about that guys, really…the Cardinals. So I’m sure the Ravens are welcoming you with open arms since Steve McNair can barely move at this point. Both teams are patched up and are held together by slightly more than duct tape and a dream. Common sense says to choose the Ravens, by 13.
Philadelphia Eagles vs. New York Jets
Two evenly matched teams. Evenly matched, yet dismal. Chad Pennington is still limping around like my grandma, should a sprained ankle take this long to heal? I don’t see any way for the Jets to pull in a W this week. I pick the Eagles by 7.
Carolina Panthers vs. Arizona Cardinals
Kurt Warner had better get new wheels on his walker! With Matt Leinart out with injury (not herpes, no Paris jokes please), Kurt is the #1 guy. This doesn’t mean the Cardinals will win, it just means they won’t be shuffling quarterbacks every other series. However, the Panthers have their own QB drama. Jake Delhomme out for the season, David Carr (sucks) is hurt, we might be seeing another Battle of the OLD QB’s as Vinny Testaverde may see some playing time. I hope he took his Geritol! Cardinals by 3.
New England Patriots vs. Dallas Cowboys
Some people think this is the Super-Bowl pre-game. I’m not those people, as I don’t think Dallas is going to the big show and I’m not convinced that the Patriots are going either. Even IF this is the pre-show, it doesn’t get me excited. Tom Brady and his big cheeks will lead the Patriots at Texas Stadium and hand Dallas it’s first loss of the year. T.O. will not be happy. New England by 14. Quick update on Tony Romo’s “zit�? from last week, it wasn’t even a zit, it was a mole. He’s still a 12 year old.
Oakland Raiders vs. San Diego Chargers *AFC West Match-Up*
Who would’ve thought that going into week 6 that the Raiders would lead the AFC West? Of course, I fully predict that by tomorrow evening they will have fallen to 2-3, and Philip Rivers and LT will be celebrating again. I pick the Chargers by 20.
New Orleans Saints vs. Seattle Seahawks
As much as I’d like to see it, I don’t think that the Saints are going to pull it together this week. Don’t get your hopes up for a 12-4 run here, New Orleans. Le Sigh. In other news, why is Matt Hasslebeck trying to be the new Peyton Manning? He’s not funny, and I think I’m the only person outside of Seattle who realizes he’s even IN a commercial (and he’s in 3 or 4 right now). So anyways, back to the game, Shaun Alexander is still crying about his wrist (Look Shaun, you’re a RUNNING back, do you run with your hands? Then dry it up and play!)…but the Seahags will still win by 7 (or less). And as a side note I think the Pats/Cowboys game should totally replace this for Sunday Night Football.
New York Giants vs. Atlanta Falcons
Leftwich, Herrington…who cares. It’s all about the Giants kids. Well, that is as long as Eli hits Plaxico Burress downfield more often than he does DeAngelo Hall. The Falcons might as well close up shop this season as far as I am concerned. Plus, they’ve replaced their dismal quarterback with a guy who’s built like a lineman and has a perpetually sprained ankle. By the way, he’s on the injury report this week (along with about 12 other guys) because of his ankle. Cry me a river, Byron! Go Giants, by 10.
PS – No, I STILL wasn’t excited about last week’s MNF, even at the end of the game. Do you want to know why? (Of course you do, and you really don’t have a choice), because after 5 interceptions and a kick off return the Bills only led by 2. That’s how bad they are.