I am no longer studying, as I have passed my state boards and they’re now going to let me be a real nurse. What were they thinking?
Atlanta Falcons vs. Carolina Panthers
I have no idea what on earth is going on in the NFC south, but somehow both of these teams are 2-1. The Falcons, despite all odds have beaten not one, but TWO less than mediocre teams!! Meanwhile the Panthers have actually beat the Chargers and the Bears. Well, this is looking like a no brainer, one team can actually beat teams that might count, the other can only beat teams who couldn’t beat high schoolers. Panthers by 10.
Cleveland Browns vs. Cincinnati Bengals
Ugh, dismal. Battle of Ohio has become Battle of the Winless. Neither of these teams has won a game despite having played Baltimore (with it’s tough. yet nearly geriatric defense). Carson is “questionable” with a sore elbow? Get that guy a TENS unit and a tissue…stop crying me a river and throw me a pass already! Meanwhile Dereck Anderson is proving my claim that last year was just a fluke. MRSA ate the Browns and high crime + something from the Ohio River has probably eaten the Bengals. ONLY because they have the home field advantage, I am picking the Bengals..by 3..in some awkward all offense/defense optional shoot out…you know, the usual.
Houston Texans vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
I still can’t believe Jacksonville beat the Colts. How anti-climactic would it be if the Jags lost this week to the Texans? What I really mean is awesome. However, it’s highly unlikely because the Texans suffer from lack of talent…BRING BACK SAGE!! Jags by 10.
Denver Broncos vs. Kansas City Chiefs
The Chiefs are getting desperate here. They lost to Oakland AND Atlanta. That would make them the worst team in the NFL, but the Rams seem to have that market cornered (the Bengals are also closing in). Division game or not, Jay Cutler could probably forget his insulin tomorrow and win this game in a coma. Herm Edwards might want to start thinking about his first round draft pick….Broncos by 21.
San Francisco 49′ers vs. New Orleans Saints
J.T. O’Sullivan was the second leading rusher for the 49′ers last week with 65 yards. He’s the quarterback..should he really be rushing 65 yards? I’m glad he could channel his inner-Vick. Meanwhile, New Orleans is trying to stop the downward spiral. I can, under no circumstances, count on the 49′ers OR the Saints, but again only because of home field advantage do I tip my hat towards the Saints by 3. I like last minute field goals.
Arizona Cardinals vs. New York Jets
OH NO! Favre is listed as questionable! Why? Is he still busy crying over last week? 100% of Jets fans are, along with 98% of Packers fans! Let this be a lesson Brett, when you try to throw a pass, sometimes your walker gets in the way and you twist your ankle. Call Kurt Warner for advice on maneuvering on the field with you assistive device. I’m actually going with the Cardinals this week, Brett or no Brett the Jets don’t have what it takes to win more than 3 games a season. Arizona by 10.
Green Bay Packers vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Thankfully, Al Harris isn’t going to bleed to death or lose his spleen anytime soon. So the Packers lost to the Cowboys, big deal. Tampa Bay is NOT Dallas. They’re mildly better than Atlanta. This is another game worth missing, unless you’re a cheesehead, in which case you have nothing else to do but get plastered and watch Green Bay on Sundays. Packers by 10.
Minnesota Vikings vs. Tennessee Titans
Gus Frerotte was the winning strategy? I smell another loss coming on for Minnesota. Brad Childress will have nothing else to do but throw up his hands and give up after this game. The Titans are still playing with Kerry Collins while waiting for Vince Young to regain his composure and stability in his knee. This game will be lame overall, I recommend missing it. Titans by 10.
San Diego Chargers vs. Oakland Raiders
Why does Lane Kiffin’s picture on NFL.com make him look like a 30 year old Michael Cerra? And why haven’t any of Oakland’s fine, upstanding, criminal fans killed him with a beer bottle and a plastic ax yet? These are the real issues that should be discussed concerning this game, not who’s going to win. We know the Chargers will win. However, if I were Phil Rivers, I’d stay away from the Black Hole. Hmmm, on second thought cry baby, get real close. Chargers by 28.
Buffalo Bills vs. St. Louis Rams
Another week of the Rams making another mediocre team look like Super Bowl champs. Will Trent Green save the Rams? Nope, he might end up with another concussion, I feel severe mental damage in someone’s future! Face it, we’ll all have to endure another week of lame football “analysts” (former players who barely have enough brain power to hold a microphone and talk at the same time) telling us how great the Bills are after they win by…probably 28.
Washington Redskins vs. Dallas Cowboys
The Redskins are 2-1! But the Cowboys are 3-0. I don’t think Clinton Portis, Jason Campbell or Randel El will be putting up a good fight in big D this week. It bothers me to admit this, but on his worst day I think Romo out performs Jason Campbell. Ok, that’s not true, I watched the Monday night game and I’ve seen Antonio choke two years in a row in the play offs. However, it’s regular season and Tony plays well then. Cowboys by 21.
Philadelphia Eagles vs. Chicago Bears
Back to back losses by 3 for the Bears. Wait, Griese beat you? Orton can’t get it done? Say it aint so! I’m calling for bringing back Rex, as I can think of little that would entertain me more. I think the Bears are getting tired of losing already, and back home in Chicago is the best time to start winning. Before Donovan’s head has a chance to get too fat. Bears by 3, take THAT!
Baltimore Ravens vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
After letting that fat kid from Findlay eat grass all night, will the Steelers offensive line decide to show up this week? Didn’t we learn last year that replacing your offensive line with girl scouts was a bad idea? Regardless, I don’t think some rookie kid is going to blow the Steelers out of the water on Monday night. The Ravens will be embarrassed in Pittsburgh, it pains me to keep picking the Steelers…by 14.