NFL Week 15: My Predictions

HA! I bet you thought I wouldn’t get this one in on time, but alas, I did. Because I am awesome.

Denver Broncos vs. Houston Texans
With Matt Schaub out, it’s up to some guy named Sage to lead Houston. Lead them where I’m not quite sure, because I don’t think it will be to victory. Denver apparently still thinks they have a chance at the playoffs (why?) so they will be fighting hard. I don’t think that Texans have a fight in them. Broncos by 10. Yeah, they might be fighting hard, but they still aren’t that great.

 Cincinnati Bengals vs. San Francisco 49’ers
An old rivalry. Why is it old? Because it’s been a while since either of these teams has seen a Super Bowl, much less seen each other in the Super Bowl. However, the 49’ers ain’t what they used to be, and they don’t have a stellar field goal kicker like Shayne Graham. Meanwhile, in S.F., some guy you’ve never heard of, who’s made a 5 year career of being a third string, bottom-rung hanger, will probably start. Fabulous. Hopefully the Bengals can keep it together, you know how they can be sometimes. Bengals by 14.

 New York Jets vs. New England Patriots *AFC East Match-Up*
I think it’s safe to say that unless Eric Mangini is handing Bill Belichick a $500,000 personal check, there won’t be any handshaking between these two this week. Meanwhile, Eric Mangini has let it be known that it’s not cheating to tape another team as long as you ask permission. Write that excuse down Bill, you might need it some day. This game is lame. Will the 3-10 Jets beat the 13-0 Patriots, after the Jets outted the Pats as dirty cheaters? Um no. Teddy Bruschi might be saving his leg eating for this week. Patriots by some ridiculous amount. I don’t think a score of 52-3 is out of the question here.

 Tennessee Titans vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Last week the Chiefs were completely embarrassed by the Broncos. This week they’ll probably be embarrassed by the Titans. I don’t mean to be such a downer, but I really don’t think the Chiefs will win. I kinda like Vince Young too. Titans by 10.

 Seattle Seahawks vs. Carolina Panthers
John Fox isn’t naming a QB for this game yet, probably because he knows that even if he played quarterback himself that they would have a better chance than if Old Vinny, David Carr or that other guy I’ve never heard of played. The Seahawks should feel like they won the lottery with this game. Seattle by 30.

 Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
This is a game to watch. The Steelers haven’t looked too impressive the past few weeks. They can blame the nasty field for their two wins, but ugly wins. However, last week they just got what they deserved. While Teddy didn’t eat Ben (which kinda breaks my heart), I don’t know that it will matter much. I hope to see Jacksonville thump the Steelers. And I think they can, Jags by 10.

 Buffalo Bills vs. Cleveland Browns
In a battle for the wild card who will win? Sure the Bills looked outstanding last week, but they were playing a winless team. I just don’t know that the Bills have the defense to contain the Browns. Whoa, it felt funny typing that. Browns by 10.Romeo Crennel, you’ve got some personality, and I like it.

 Green Bay Packers vs. St. Louis Rams
Is this a made up game? I mean, New England HAS to play Miami, they’re in the same division but this is just dumb. NFL.com says that the Rams are looking for a win to pick up momentum for next season. Well guys, it’s always good to plan ahead I suppose. However, even if Marc Bulger DOES return this week, the Rams will still lose. Just use that Brock guy again this week, save Marc for a game that matters. You know, like next season. Green Bay by 24.

 Atlanta Falcons vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers *NFC South Match-up*
Oh Atlanta, just forget this season. Pretend that Michael Vick, Joey Harrington, and Bobby Petrino never happened. I’d say that Byron Leftwich never happened, but really, I don’t think he ever did. There’s not an ice cubes chance that the Falcons will beat Tampa Bay this week. Emmitt Thomas’ pregame pep-talk should go like this, “Well guys, let’s hear it for early draft picks!�? Tampa Bay by 21.

 Arizona Cardinals vs. New Orleans Saints
I believe this is a fairly even match-up. Not because both teams are 6-7, but because both teams are horribly inconsistent. The Cardinals can blow a team away one week (well, blowing away by Arizona’s standards is a little different than by New England’s standards), and blow it all the next. Same with the Saints. Who should I remind you lost to the RAMS. Even Cincinnati beat the Rams…in the rain. I’m going to go with New Orleans, because I just don’t like Kurt Warner because I don’t like old people. Saints by 7.

 Baltimore Ravens vs. Miami Dolphins
Yo! A realistic chance for a Dolphins win! Cleo Lemon will be back as quarterback, not that it helped before, but he can throw farther than 22 yards, which John Beck can’t. However, Brian Billick doesn’t care much for my opinion and is starting the Kyle-Bot again. Brian even says that everyone on his team is giving it their all, but I beg to differ. He’s not even giving it his all as a coach. Whatever. I think this game will be uncomfortably close. I’m tempted to choose Miami, but I’m going to go with Ravens by 3. Afterall, they almost lost to S.F.

 Indianapolis Colts vs. Oakland Raiders
If you saw what the Colts did to the Ravens last week, it’ll be similar to what they do to the Raiders this week. The Raiders are terrible and they lack stability in the quarterback position, as do many teams in the NFL. The difference is that other teams can overcome this issue and the Raiders cannot. Colts by, lets say 27.

 Philadelphia Eagles vs. Dallas Cowboys *NFC East Match-Up*
T.O. against the Eagles..blah blah blah. You see how no one cares anymore right? It’s because Donovan McHorrible can talk all day and never back his mouth up on the field. For some unknown reason Andy Reid is defending Donovan’s horrible performance. Face it Andy, Donovan will NOT be leading your team to the playoffs this season, he’ll be lucky to get to the endzone this week. Dallas by 24 (I think greater embarrassment is possible though). Tony Romo won’t get to the endzone every time either.

 Detroit Lions vs. San Diego Chargers
Philip Rivers may or may not play. Norv Turner joked he’s been helping “coach�? at practice this week. That’s lame Norv, just admit that you’re a terrible coach please. Then apply for a job in Atlanta, I hear there’s an opening. I don’t think it matters much if good ole’ Phil practices or not, the Chargers will still beat the Lions because Detroit is bad enough to give up a late fourth quarter fumble. Stupid Lions. Chargers by 14.

 Washington Redskins vs. New York Giants *NFC East Match-Up*
Crucial game, league game and New York needs to maintain the wild card spot. If they play like they have in the past few weeks they won’t beat the Redskins. However, I think the Redskins have had too much time to celebrate their last win. This should be a great game to watch but I predict (as always) Eli to come out on top. Giants by 7.

 Chicago Bears vs. Minnesota Vikings *NFC North Match-Up*
Without Grossman and Griese what will the Bears do? Win perhaps? Naaah, who am I kidding. The Vikings have looked outstanding the past few weeks, and with all of the drama in Chicago,  I think it’s safe that this game won’t be worth watching. Except to hear the announcers drone on about Rex’s uncertain future. What’s uncertain? He’s terrible, and he’ll probably be the next QB in Atlanta. Vikings by 21.