NFL Week 14: My Predictions

Chicago Bears vs. Washington Redskins
The still heavy hearted Redskins play host to the depressing Chicago Bears this week. Seriously, Rex Grossman might be the worst thing to happen to Chicago since those fires back in 71! That’s 1871 for those of you without your history books. This is a fairly evenly matched game, and the Redskins have had a very short week. This won’t be working in their favor, but I think they’re full of rage. Hopefully they’ll be full of rage enough to pull off the victory (they held tight with Romo’s boys afterall), Redskins by 7 (as long as they never kick it to Hester, that guy ain’t right).

Miami Dolphins vs. Buffalo Bills *AFC East Match-Up*
Please. The Doll-Phins. Are they even playing at this point or are they just going for the perfect season? I hope they are going for the perfect season because I’d rather see a team go winless than a team go undefeated. It’s much more amusing. Then there’s the Bills and that whiney J.P. Losman. How salty do you feel as the team captain who gets benched..twice. Perhaps there’s a career in Atlanta waiting for him after this year? Until then, Bills by 20. I mean seriously, the Dolphins made the Jets look like Super Bowl champs last week, that’s inexcusable.

Dallas Cowboys vs. Detroit Lions
My how the mighty have fallen. Detroit has to win out to make good on Kitna’s 10 win promise, and it doesn’t look good. Not that I place all the blame on Kitna, he’s been sacked like a gazillion times this season because his offensive line can’t protect him, and well…we’ve seen him run. He makes Carson Palmer look like a track all-star. Meanwhile T.O. should focus more on getting his hands ready and less on all of that popcorn. For the star he thinks he is, he still drops passes like he gets paid per drop. Let’s just be honest here, I love to vote for the underdog, but I’m not stupid. Big D by 17.

Carolina Panthers vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
Battles of the Cats..Meow! I know, lame..lame like this game. However, if a Jaguar meets a Panther in this situation, the Panther is better off just to roll over and play dead. Old Vinny isn’t going to be carrying the team too far here. It’s just not going to happen. I think John Fox is ready to crawl in a hole and die after this season. Can the Panthers stop Maurice Jones-Drew? No. Which is one of 27 reason that they will lose. Jaguars by 14.

Oakland Raiders vs. Green Bay Packers
Oakland? They still have a team? Wait a second, Lane Kiffin had another quarterback up his sleeve and decided in week 12 to play him? Dude, you’er 4-8 and you’re the Raiders..it wasn’t going to get any worse, why not put a cheerleader in? That’s just poor decision making. No, I’m not shocked that the Raiders beat the Broncos either. But they won’t beat that Magical Fav-Ray. Green Bay by 21.

St. Louis Rams vs. Cincinnati Bengals
Wow, they almost have the same record, and the Rams just started winning! Seriously, I can’t watch if the Bengals get beat by the Rams. The Bengals have a good chance to win though, I mean..the Rams are a dismal NFC team. Plus both of their below average quarterbacks are banged up. And they’re old. Let’s make some magic happen boys, Bengals by 14.

San Diego Chargers vs. Tennessee Titans
The Chargers are still making their way toward the playoffs, with or without the guidance of Norv Turner. The Titans are just praying they can make the playoffs. I don’t think they will, but a little prayer never hurt anyone. San Diego by 10. They’ll be tired from the long flight. L.T. might not even run 100 yards.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Houston Texans
Non-league game, and the Texans fell off the win wagon weeks ago (say that 10 times fast). The Bucs went from bad to best for some reason and now, some guy named Schaub or Sage is the only hope of beating the Buccaneers. Well Houston, better luck next week. Tampa Bay by 17.

New York Giants vs. Philadelphia Eagles *NFC East Match-Up*
Did you see Eli against the Bears last week? That boy is a play maker. After a TERRIBLE performance against the Vikings (which I blame on stage fright because his brother was watching..no, I don’t mean Cooper), and enduring a week of media onslaught (that New York media makes me look kind), he came back like a champ. Meanwhile, Andy Reid thinks his Eagles can still make the playoffs. I think Andy Reid has been hanging out with his kids too much. Low blow? Perhaps. But let’s be realistic, Donovan McCrap is coming back this week and I don’t think this fares well for the Eagles. Eli and friends to win, by 10.

Arizona Cardinals vs. Seattle Seahawks
So, the last time these teams met the Cardinals managed to win. What? Who let that happen? But now they must travel to Qwest Field, the loudest stadium known to mankind (I blame that Seattle air), and try to pull off the unthinkable. It’s technically Hasselbeck vs. Hasselbeck this week (although, we know only one of them will play). Seattle will win, by 10. Matthew, make it so.

Minnesota Vikings vs. San Francisco 49’ers
Peterson is back, the 49’ers are terrible….Hmmm, you can already see where this is going. Not to mention it’s a game I just can’t force myself to care about. The Vikings don’t even need a defensive end full of ‘roids to win this game. Vikings by 21. By the way, what’s up with all of these Vikings wins lately?

Cleveland Browns vs. New York Jets
Eric Mangini was just delighted to see his team win another game this season. Wow, that’s 3..2 of those wins against the same winless team. Nice job coach. Face it, you’re not going to beat the Browns. By some cosmic miracle the Browns are probably going to make it to the playoffs. Browns by 14. Let’s face it, they won’t lose two weeks in a row.

Kansas City Chiefs vs. Denver Broncos *AFC West Match-Up*
The Broncos have turned into the Cardinals of the AFC, completely inconsistent. They are supposedly believing they can make it to the playoffs. Really? You lost to the Raiders, that’s gross. Speaking of, even Rexie beat the Raiders. Meanwhile the Chiefs are on a losing streak which also includes a loss to the Raiders. What is up with you people? Simply because the air will be cold and thin and I don’t think the Chiefs will be able to breathe, Broncos by 10.

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. New England Patriots
I have been waiting for this game all season. Not because I am a fan of either of these teams, and not just because this is like the first real game Pittsburgh has played all season. But because I truly believe that Teddy Bruschi will sack that Fat Kid and then literally rip his leg off and take a bite. Please Teddy, for me? Let’s hope the Patriots can pull it together this week. They can start losing next week, just PLEASE beat the Steelers…..by 17. Seriously, get it back together.

Indianapolis Colts vs. Baltimore Ravens
Well, it depends on which version of Kyle Boller that shows up. That guy who played Monday night was NOT Kyle Boller. It was some sort of Kyle-bot. Meanwhile, Eli’s brother is a much better QB than Tom Brady, and he can actually handle being under pressure. Luckily for the Ravens (and the rest of the U.S.) Steve McNair is out for the season, so we can stop being subjected to his awfulness. Although Brian Billick totally earned back some much needed respect this week after smugly blowing Patriots Rodney Harrison a kiss (youtube it if you didn’t see it) in Monday nights game. Hilarious coach, even though your team still managed to blow it in the end. Sorry Brian, I think your team is going to continue to self-destruct this week as well. Colts by 7. They’re keeping it close these days.

New Orleans Saints vs. Atlanta Falcons *NFC South Match-Up*
If the Saints lose to Atlanta, they can just march themselves right on into the Gulf of Mexico. I’m not kidding. I don’t even think the Falcons are trying at this point, they need to play the Dolphins just for a little pick-me up, ya know? That being said, Saints by 14. Bobby Petrino will continue to be blissfully unaware of what is going on. He and Norv Turner probably have a lot in common.