It’s that time again! Are you ready for some football? I’ve decided to revive the world of football predictions, just for your reading pleasure. Savor it, I’ll do my best to keep it up weekly, but with the arrival of my Skeletor, blogging plays second fiddle.
Washington Redskins vs. New York Giants *NFC East*
Oh come on now, like you don’t know who I’m going to pick. I know Jason Campbell is back and healthy, but didn’t the Redskins actually play better with Todd Collins at the helm last year? Let’s be honest here, I just don’t like Clinton Portis. Plus, Eli plugs Oreos, which are America’s favorite cookie. Eli and friends by 10.
Detroit Lions vs. Atlanta Falcons
Well here’s a game worth missing! While the Lions did go 4-0 in the pre-season, I feel another dismal year coming on. Meanwhile, the Falcons might as well shut down their franchise and stop embarrassing Atlanta. Putting all your eggs in the rookie Matt Ryan basket probably won’t pay off for you, Mike Smith, but do the city a favor and don’t quit midseason, wait until you get fired in January to start looking for a new job. Detroit by 17.
Cincinnati Bengals vs. Baltimore Ravens *AFC North*
If I wasn’t a Bengals fan this would probably also be listed under “games worth missing”. Could either of these teams get it together? Let’s be realistic, them Ravens ain’t what they used to be. They had more fans show up to watch Michael Phelps on JumboTron than to actually watch the pre-season Ravens! The regular season Ravens won’t be any more exciting, especially not with Joe Flacco running around. Meanwhile the Bengals have pretty much let go of their entire defense for the sake of keeping a bunch of guys you’ve never heard of. This could be a good or bad thing. Thankfully, we kept Shayne Graham, Bengals by 3. </insert Ray Lewis stabbing joke here></end joke>
Seattle Seahawks vs. Buffalo Bills
The Seahawks are already beat up, and the season hasn’t even started yet. This doesn’t look good for their season. However, their in the NFC West, which does look good for their season. Meanwhile I expect the Bills to look like the typical Bills, close but no cigar. Basically, I hate the Bills and I like Matt Hasselbeck, I think he’s funny, so Seahawks by 3.
New York Jets vs. Miami Dolphins *AFC East*
Time for Chad Pennington to show his old team what he’s made of! Listen Chad, they’ve already seen it, that’s why you’re in Miami now. Old Brett, the magical unicorn, will have to prove it was worth coming out of his 6 month retirement for this. While he’ll spend this week looking spectacular, he’ll be playing against the Dolphins. Bill Parcels can try all he wants to turn them into the Cowboys, but they’re still the Dolphins. Jets by 7.
Kansas City Chiefs vs. New England Patriots
Tom Brady is healthy to play! Uh, ok. Why is this news, as if anyone thought for 2 seconds he wouldn’t? Like Bill would let Matt Cassel play in a real situation. Kansas City might as well just stay home. I mean, I understand it was pre-season, but to get shut out by the Dolphins is not acceptable. EVER. Patriots by 28.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. New Orleans Saints *NFC South*
An evenly matched game, this is probably worth checking in on at the very least. Things look good for our Cajun friends, as Deuce McAllister is back, and they’ve picked up Jeremy Shockey, so barring any bad attitude from him, the Saints should march over the Buccaneers who’ve lost Cadillac Williams for at least 6 weeks and have no quarterbacks worth looking at. Saints by 7.
St. Louis Rams vs. Philadelphia Eagles
Look! A game the Eagles can win! Apparently McNabb thinks “this is the year.” The year for what? Same old song and dance my friend, Westbrook won’t be taking you to the football promised land. You’ll be lucky if he takes you to a Wawa! Meanwhile, to back up Mark Bulger the Rams picked up Trent Green? He’s about 1 concussion away from dead. Eagles by 10.
Houston Texans vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
It pains me to admit the Steelers will win this, it really does. I don’t think the Texans defense will be putting any pressure on that Fat Kid from Findlay. Meanwhile, the Steelers might eat Matt Schaub alive. Steelers by 14.
Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Tennessee Titans *AFC South*
This is a game worth seeing. Really, I’m being honest. While the Colts will still be tops in their league, these are two teams that are fairly evenly matched. I bet at least one of them gets a wild card into the play-offs. I do foresee the Jaguars edging out the Titans this time, by 3.
Dallas Cowboys vs. Cleveland Browns
Here’s a boring match up I’ll probably have to watch. While I hate the Cowboys, and Tony Romo (or as I refer to him as, “the Choke”), I hate the Browns even more. This will be game to prove what a fluke last season was for the Browns. Cowboys by 20.
Carolina Panthers vs. San Diego Chargers
The Panthers ought to just go the way of the Falcons. They look terrible, especially in the AFC South. Meanwhile who knows what the Chargers will do in the early parts of the season. Philip Rivers is a cry baby, and Shawne Merriman is apparently an idiot. Who decides to play football when 50% of the ligaments in their knee are torn. Enjoy that instability. While the Panthers are terrible and the Chargers will win, I won’t be impressed. San Diego by 10.
Arizona Cardinals vs. San Francisco 49’ers *NFC West*
What is this? Suck Bowl Sunday? Kurt Warner will be polishing up his best walker this week while Matt Leinhart sits around and laments the career that could’ve been. What kind of league is this where old guys get to play while Matt Leinhart, Brady Quinn and Troy Smith pace the sidelines? The same kind of league where the 49’ers are terrible every year…Cards by 10.
Chicago Bears vs. Indianapolis Colts
Super Bowl rematch, minus the Rex. Instead, we get the Kyle. It’ll be just as bad, yawn. Brian Urlacher is going to have an aneurysm this season. This is probably going to be a blow out. Peyton and friends will scoff at the Bears (like the rest of us) and then run down the field. Kyle, Rex..get your clipboards out and take notes on what a talented quarterback looks like. Colts by 20.
Minnesota Vikings vs. Green Bay Packers *NFC North*
This would be much more exciting if the Fav-Ray had gone to Minnesota. Instead it becomes a game about two teams no one cares about. Are they still retiring Favre’s jersey? Will he be there? That’s what’s MORE interesting about this game. In the end, Green Bay by 3. Only because the Vikings are that unimpressive.
Denver Broncos vs. Oakland Raiders *AFC West*
This is my Monday Night Football? Wow, what a horrible way to start the season. Supposedly the Raiders could show signs of improvement. That requires what, putting 11 guys on the field? Honestly, anything would be an improvement. Jay Cutler won’t have any trouble leading his team in this game. Broncos by 7.