I repeat, this is not a bad joke..it’s my life

So, I live in the ghetto. I mean it, I absolutely live in the ghetto. Previously my attitude had been, “I’m not a target for angry black angst because I am white and don’t smoke crack, therefore since I don’t owe them any drug money they will probably leave me alone.” I just want everyone to know if you ever live in the ghetto that sort of thinking will also probably get you robbed. How do I know this? Oh yeah, because it got me robbed.

It happened 2 Fridays ago, and here’s the scenario: I’m upstairs, asleep. 1 or 2, or possibly an entire FUBU posse kicks in my side door, rummages through my purse, steals my car, and I wake up with all my doors open and my dog is all whimpering and scared.

Let’s have some details shall we? First, I could sleep in the middle of a battlefield. You could carry me through the streets of Iraq, and I could sleep through it. Some Bozo Posse kicking in the door that is downstairs & on the opposite side of my house from my bedroom does not warrant so much as a change in breathing from my sleep. So, when I wandered downstairs at 2 in the afternoon, I was none the wiser to my situation. Second, it takes me a good 5 minutes just to figure out what’s going on when I wake up. Like, when I saw 2 of the 3 doors in my house wide open, my car gone from my garage and Aaron’s video camera lying on the ground outside my first thought was NOT “I think I’ve been robbed.” My first though was “what is Aaron doing with a video camera outside?” So, I called him. By the time he got on the phone, I started to wake up and realize what was going on, and thus the hyperventilating commenced. Oh, and to all the haters that are still laughing that I slept until 2, I had previously been awake, but decided my bed was so warm and cozy that I would stay there until I woke up a second time.

Then, Aaron told me to get out of the house, because I wasn’t smart enough to do that on my own. So, then I call 911, and I’m standing outside in pajamas, Adidas sandals, and 80′s hair. By 80′s hair, I mean that when I sleep I toss around so much my hair is teased to perfection for 1987. I also live on a busy street, so here’s the scenario: Skinny white girl with crazy 80′s hair, standing in her jammies for all the west side to see. Oh yeah, while crying like a 10 year old on Rescue 911. Where was William Shatner in my time of need? Making another horrid CD no doubt.

So Aaron beats the police to my house, which is fantastic. I live in the largest district for the CPD, and it apparently takes 25 minutes to get to my house. In case of emergency, you just have to die because CPD won’t be around for awhile. Sounds like there needs to be a re-zoning in order. So I’m an intermittent basket case until the police show up, when I was just raging pissed. Aaron and I are walking through the house and I noticed my wallet was moved from my purse to the kitchen table. Aaron’s credit card was gone, along with my $1. ONE DOLLAR! Is someone kidding me? Am I on “World’s Dumbest Criminals”? I mean, you just robbed me of my car and my security, but the dollar is what put me over the edge. Honestly, the dollar seems like such a moot point, did I really need that extra kick in the junk? I mean, you stole my car, and all the goodies inside. The dollar seems so unnecessary. So Lame.

So then, the police get a CSI lady to my house and she’s casing my house finding blood & fingerprints, which probably belong to me anyways. Then she points out the “workboot print” on the doorframe. Aaron and I both thought “you mean Timberlands?” However, I did get my mouth swabbed all CSI stylee, which made me feel special.

So, then comes a week later. My phone rings, and it is a CPD investigator. She tells me that they found my car, and that it’s in good shape. I think she meant good shape for a stolen car, because it was kind of gross inside, and there’s a huge gash/scratch on the back bumper. As if they were rear-ended. So here’s the deal: I was robbed by Bubba Gump & Co. No Lie.

These bozos pulled out in front of an unmarked police car. When the officer’s pulled them over, Jay Jay & Wee Wee (or Jamal & Tyrone..choose your own adventure here folks) bailed out and ran off. The police “chased” them, but didn’t catch them. Here comes my favorite part. They were 1.1 miles from my house when they were pulled over. 1.1 MILES?! You had my car for a week and couldn’t get more than a mile from my house?? Douche Bags of the MONTH! They didn’t even change the license plate on my car, they just ripped off the Mt. St. Joe parking sticker, which was actually a nice gesture, and doesn’t irritate me at all.

Here’s the best part. They left a bunch of trash and their stuff in my car. They apparently stole my car and headed to BW-3′s and had wings. That’s the most Blackerific thing I’ve ever heard. Steal a car, get beer & chicken. They also left ½ a 2 liter of Pepsi in my car, a tube of lip gloss, 3 coats (Phat Farm, Carhart & some other hooded zip-up sweatshirt) 2 cup holders full of ashes, approximately 50 McDonalds napkins, and a grilled hot dog. Yes..a grilled hot dog. Things they stole from my car: Dell MP3 player (with car charger, and this little mp3 player holder that fits in the cup holder), a 1972 purple bowling ball with my Mom’s name on it. Things they did not steal from my car: bowling bag & shoes, my coat and my Bible. Jesus doesn’t smile on people who steal the Holy Bible, since it specifically says “Thou Shalt Not Steal”. It also says “Vengence is mine saith the Lord”, and if that vengence comes from a Smith & Wesson, I’m cool with that.

The investigator called me and said “they left a bunch of CD’s in your car. I could figure that they weren’t yours.” Which means they were probably, Dr. Dre – Chronic 2000, Snoop Dogg, Ludacris – Beer & Chicken or the like. It’s a good thing I wasn’t getting in touch with my inner thug that week, or I might have lost some good CD’s. She also said she left the coats in my car, because she wasn’t sure who they belonged to, which I think means that there were 3 thug life jackets and a nice wool peacoat and that threw her off. So, I now have 3 coats in my garage that the police have said are now my property and I’m free to do as I please with them. This is what I think I should do with them: When I hear the thieves are arrested I should show up at their arraignment wearing the jacket..just to be completely irritating and tout my new goods. Playa play on!

Things I think that are funny:

- One of the douche bags left their house key in my car, I found it by the drivers seat. I hope this means the guy had to run home and kick in his own door.

- I have their coats. It got very cold over the weekend, and I hope they had to freeze all the way to Deveroe’s to steal more coats.

- They stole a bowling ball that is over 30 years old. They left the shoes and bag. The shoes & bag are new and probably worth more than the ball. Plus the ball has a name on it, and it’s bright purple. It’s not exactly easy to disguise.

- I like to believe this was the series of events: Jay Jay & Wee Wee are driving along, get pulled over by police. Jay Jay is driving, Wee Wee is eating a hot dog. Jay Jay yells, “Wee Wee! Put down that dog playa! We gots to run foo!” Then while Wee Wee is messing with the seat belt, the hot dog falls out of the bun, and he is left to run through the streets with an empty hot dog bun and a bowling ball.

- The reason the police didn’t catch them: The neighborhood where they jumped from the car is full of young African American men without jobs. They all wear the same thing: dark blue jeans, white t-shirts and boots. So, I’m sure it was like “Where’s Waldo” and the police were like “whatever, we got the car back.”

So, the police called to update me today on the lack of updates. Basically they are just waiting for the lab to finish checking the database for fingerprint matches. Also, the police checked the surveillance tapes from the places of receipts Bubba & gang left in my car, but the tapes were awful. Not surprising, everyone knows that when you see those tapes on the news and they’re like “do you know this man robbing the convenient store?” and it looks like a video of 4 rectangles moving around. I’m sure someone out there is like “Tyrone..is that you?!” But I don’t know anyone who looks like rectangles…so it’s fruitless to me.

So that’s my update..i hope you enjoyed.