One Stray Pea

Celebrities say some really dumb things and making fun of celebrities is much more entertaining than making fun of normal people. So here goes:

“I don’t want my nipples looking for coins on the street” - Sharon Osbourne

I can only assume she’s excusing her boob job, boob lift..whatever. Statements like this explain why she is married to a man who speaks like he only has 1/3 of his tongue left. Friggin Mumble Fish.

“I had a pimple. I think it was 1993” - Heidi Klum

3 words Heidi Klum: I Hate You. I haven’t even had a baby yet, but I guarantee when I do, I look like an orca for at least 6 months afterward (if not the rest of my stretched out life). Heidi is like “I mated with a not so attractive man, gave birth to a cute baby that at least 65% of the world doesn’t desire to eat AND I was back on the runway in 2 months.” Thanks for having that one pimple in your life Heidi, it makes me feel like you might be a real person afterall..

“Flushing carpet down the toilet isn’t a good idea” - Faria Alam

Now, I don’t have the slightest idea who Faria Alam is, nor do I care to imdb her. However, I really want to know who WOULD think flushing carpet down the toilet is a good idea. I mean, I’ve heard of flushing drugs down the toilet, but carpet? That’s just plain stupid.

“Ugh, those were awful. If I had the money, I would give a refund to everyone who bought my first two albums.” -Mandy Moore

At least the girl’s honest. However, I think its taken her way to long to admit that her albums suck, and I think she should be more honest and offer refunds and a public apology for all her music in general.

“I’m not really one of Jack (Osbourne’s) friends. He finds me irritating and I find him smelly.” - Jade Goody

Nuff said. Especially since I don’t know who Jade Goody is, but Jack looks smelly.

“I want to make my book as real as possible, but I can’t hardly remember a thing.” - Jack Osbourne

Its ok Jack, just lie. It worked for James Frey, and you’re already a B list celebrity so the backlash for lying won’t be so severe. Plus, you’re Ozzy’s pride and joy, people aren’t expecting much from you. We’ve seen the Osbournes afterall. I also think this statement proves my point about why you shouldn’t expect the truth from a crackhead.

“I pick my nose and I’m not ashamed to admit it!” - Justin Timberlake

Yeah Well, you also used to hump Britney. We aren’t expecting class from you Justin Timberlake. I’m sure K-Fed is much more refined than that. Because cornrows = class. And banging Britney = class. She knows how to pick ‘em. I PUNNED!

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” - Brooke Shields

Hmm, I didn’t think Brooke Shields was stupid for medicating herself for PPD. However, this statement makes her a flaming moron. This is as bad as the Oprah quote someone spat at me,”when we fail, its because were not doing something right.” Yeah, its call SUCCEEDING, when we fail we are not succeeding. And I still don’t like Oprah.

“I enjoy the company of cattle. I really enjoy knowing them, running my hand over them.” - Russell Crowe

Where was good ole Russ when the cows were loose on 275? He would’ve been very calm, petting/molesting the cattle. The calming effects of the cattle may have prevented him from punching anyone UFC style. Although, when the cattle started dying, I think it may have been Russel kryptonite, and UFC may have commenced. Better to keep him away from my general vicinity, I don’t need a phone thrown at me.

“What does Jodie [Marsh] actually do? I don’t have a clue what she does.” - Kerry Katona

Better question: What does Kerry Katona do? Because the rest of the world doesn’t have a clue and I doubt we really care. Maybe she should worry about herself instead of this Jodie Marsh character. Oh, the rough lives of second (or third) rate celebrities.

“I could happily get a tattoo done every single day” - Jodie Marsh

I hope Kerry Katona reads this, it will clear some things up for her.

“Everyone should get famous so they can see that it’s not the answer.” - Jim Carrey

No Jim, its not the answer. The answer is for people like you who need constant attention to get famous so we can all make fun of you. Carry on Hollywood, Carry on.

“Someone asked me the other day, ‘what do you think of Britney having a baby?’ And I said: ‘Britney had a baby?’ I don’t crowd my brain with all that nonsense.” - Teri Hatcher

Just a thought but I wouldn’t guess that Teri Hatcher crowds her brain with very much at all. Other than bitterness and desperation. There’s a reason she’s on a show called Desperate Housewives..

“If we’re mucking out the horses in our stables, Peter can suddenly pull me down on the straw in his arms and peel off my jodphurs before I can catch my breath.” - Jordan

I don’t have the SLIGHTEST clue who Jordan is, why she’s famous, or where she came from, all I know is that everytime I see a picture of her she’s grabbing her boobs, she’s half naked, and apparently all she talks about is sex. So, she’s just one more whore to get attention in the world. I hope Paris isn’t too jealous.

“You wonder whether Paris Hilton would be as attractive as she’s perceived to be if she’d grown up in Stoke-On-Trent” - BB’s Preston

No, because I don’t think a bunch of Brits want to stare at an anorexic who makes out with her dog. I like the fact that this random guy acknowledges that Paris is only perceived as attractive, not that she IS attractive. Because something about a girl who digs through her crotch on the beach doesn’t scream attractive to me. Apparently it only screams attractive to alcoholic backstreet boys, porn directors, and random ugly greek boys.

“I want to marry an English man. Ideally, I like the sound of Princess Paris.” - Paris Hilton

Now, there’s a lot of scandals in the British Royal Family. Prince Charles cheated on Diana, Prince Harry smokes weed, Prince William may or may not be a playboy..whatever. If there’s ANYTHING the Royal Family doesn’t need, its more bad press. And I’m sure the last thing the Prince’s want is an STD. That being said, there will not be a Prince William (or Harry)/Paris Hilton Wedding. Paris can give up the dream, no one of any moral standard or who has common sense will be crawling down the aisle with America’s dream whore.

“I buy recycled toilet paper - it’s all, like, brown.” - Drew Barrymore

I wouldn’t expect anything more from Drew Barrymore. I mean, she was a crack head at like 10 years old, she had sex in the bathroom with her boyfriend about 2 weeks ago not to mention humped Tom Green. Would I expect her to use pre-owned toilet paper? Absolutely.

Filed under: Nonsense on February 3rd, 2006