Rosie O’Donnell decided to take the opportunity to bash Elisabeth Hasslebeck and Donald Trump on her family oriented gay/lesbian cruise. You know, the cruise that cancelled the vacations for a lot of non-gay people (what I’m really saying is cancelled vacations of legitimate families). First, if it’s a gay family fun cruise, should she really be sitting around making fun of others? Because when I think family entertainment, I think let’s go listen to a squawk box talk poorly of others. Please, I can do that at home, Joy Behar is still on The View. Anyways, Rosie decided it would be fun to make fun of others while dressed in this stunning ensemble.

Yep, that’s right. She is making fun of others, meanwhile she is dressed like a 1990 nightmare in yellow crocs. She also appears to have some sort of ankle boot tattoed on her leg. I pity the fool who had to do that. Dykes everywhere, behold your king…or better yet, just stick with Ellen.

So Lindsay Lohan is 21 today, finally legal to drink, too bad she’s been doing that for at least 3 years now. Congratulations Linds, you’re finally legal to drink and you’ve already been through rehab twice. TWICE. There’s no telling how long she’s been snorting lines of blow off a toilet seat either.

Sometimes when people go to rehab or join AA we think, “Good for them, getting their life together,”. When Lindsay goes to rehab we think, “Again? Is she even old enough to drink yet?”. Rehab, twice in 1 year, and all they do is pen her up for about a week, then let her bike around on the beach with her posse of idiots, and then 30 days later set her free to go hang out with Rumer Willis, who smokes pot and chews on condoms by the way. Oh, but she’s going to do the extended outpatient program, which means that she is free to go drink and then she can go to her meetings and say, “I’m trying to stop! See everyone, I go to meetings! See Judge, I’m trying to be responsible! Please have pity on me and don’t put me in jail, I really don’t want to be EXACTLY like Paris”.

Responsible is not having a drug and alcohol problem before you’re legal to drink. Responsible is having millions of dollars and calling a cab. Responsible is not patterning your life after Paris Hilton. I’ll even go as far to say this, responsible is going to rehab to improve yourself, not put on a show for everyone around you. We’re not impressed Lindsay (Britney, Nicole Richie, etc etc), we’re just laughing at your expense.

Shall we start the betting for how long it will be before she falls of the wagon (again)?

I won’t lie, I’m not ashamed of this at all, I love me some celebrity gossip. That being said, it’s only appropriate that I sound off on all of this Paris Soap Opera. First Paris is apparently the new OJ and there’s a media circus all over Los Angeles. I’d like to first focus on this Judge/Prosecutor vs. Sheriff battle. Three elected officials are scratching and pulling hair over who’s right and who’s wrong. How would you feel if your local government chose to act like junior high girls in a power tug-of-war? I roll my eyes in their general, wanna-be celebrity direction.

Now, onto Paris. This whole “she shouldn’t go to jail for driving on a suspended license” argument is lame. People are acting like she didn’t do anything wrong. Since when is getting a DUI acceptable? Furthermore, claiming that the judge wouldn’t have sentenced anyone else to 45 days in jail for the same crime it ridiculous. Dig up a case of a person, non-famous who acted the same way and find the judges ruling on that. Everyone’s making this hasty generalization that Paris is being targeted because she’s a Hollywood brat. She put the lives of other people in danger, and I’m sure it wasn’t the first time.

Yesterday, the Reverend Al Sharpton was calling for Paris to be returned to jail. Today Anne Coulter is referring to Paris as a “nitwit hussy”, and then proceeds to defend Paris and say she shouldn’t be sentenced so her traffic-court judge can make a name for himself. I agree with Al Sharpton and not Anne Coulter? Surely you jest! It’s the Apocalypse!

Chris Henry being pulled over by a Cincinnati cop for not using a turn signal in Over-the-Rhine, THAT’S ridiculous (Chris Henry/Paris Hilton, surely you see that I’m comparing apples to apples here), Paris Hilton being punished for a DUI, not ridiculous.

I just love that Paris chose to scream for her mommy when the sentence was handed down (again). Nothing says I’m a mature adult like screaming for your mom.

Despite protests, town opposition, torches AND pitchforks, Harrison Ohio will be getting it’s own Wal-Mart. While Harrison hates Wal-Mart because it will detract from it’s small town feel, I hate Wal-Mart for a more practical reason. If you’re the largest discount retailer in the galaxy, OPEN A CHECK OUT LANE!!!

It doesn’t matter what time of day you go to Wal-Mart, there will be approximately 564 people waiting to check out and no more than 3 lanes open at a time. Bonus points, one of those lanes is the tabacco lane, and living in such close proximity to Kentucky, I’ll give you one guess as to which lane is the longest. Not that it REALLY matters in the game of Wal-Mart Life, because that just means the longest lane has 190 people in it as opposed to the 187 in the other two available lanes.

There was a time in my life when I honestly felt Sam Walton could’ve won the presidential race, even though he has been dead since 1992. However, living in an age where instant gratification is 2 seconds to slow and Wal-Mart has pissed off rich neighborhoods everywhere by planting itself in their backyards, I think Big Sam’s popularity is waning. Speaking of Sam’s…..

I believe that Wal-Marts no lane policy has spread like a rogue STD to it’s Warehousing sister, Sam’s. It’s a sad truth, but I am all about a retailer who enables me to purchase 52 pounds of dog food, 48 rolls of toilet paper and a package of Twizzlers that weighs more than both of my legs for approximately $30. What I am NOT all about is standing in line behind a person purchasing enough groceries to feed Luxembourg for 13 weeks, a big screen TV AND a giant trampoline, because that would be the only lane open. Yeah, I know that supervising douche comes over and scans the stuff on my cart for me but this doesn’t solve the problem. I’m still standing in line you moron! Here’s a thought, get me the truck outta here and open a lane. You can have all the scanning fun you can shake at stick at there!

Really, what I’m saying here is low prices are irrelevant if I end up licking my ice cream off Wal-Marts floor before I have the chance to save 36 cents.