Let’s hold hands and shed a tear, this is the last installment of my predictions. And in the unlikeliest of scenarios, I’m going against my fake husband, Eli. I know! I’m shocked too! I never thought I’d see the Giants in the Super Bowl this year. Now here it is, and tomorrow we might be seeing Plaxico CRYING. I’m talking like T.O. crying. That’s my team, dawg.

Speaking of Plaxico, he ran his mouth, which prompted all sorts of drama, not to mention F bombs from Tom Coughlin. Meanwhile, back in his crib, Tom Brady was crying and taking it personally. And suddenly Randy Moss believed himself to be the least mouthy, most unselfish player in all of football? What is going on here? I’ll tell you what’s going on, sadly the Patriots are going to win..probably by 7. I’m guessing something like 28-21.

Oh, and don’t think this means you won’t have to hear about the ’72 Dolphins anymore. You will. And it will be just as lame as every other time you had to hear about them. As if there is some new news about the ’72 Dolphins? Guess what, after 36 years they STILL went undefeated. Dumb.

All of this hullabaloo about Tom Brady’s boot is stupid. Old Bill has listed Cheeks on the injured list since like 2004. And he’s played every week. Let’s be honest, is there a chance Tom won’t play in the Super Bowl? Not unless he gets hit by a bus. Even then, he’d still be listed as probable.

San Diego Chargers vs. New England Patriots
After being full of trash talk since beating the Colts last week, now the Chargers get to take their mouthy show on the road to Foxborough. Philip Rivers expects to cry, I mean play this week. After watching T.O. cry last week, I know some of us were hoping to see Cheeks cry this week, but really, if I saw Cry Baby Rivers in actual tears it would make my week. Let’s examine the facts: the Patriots have really taken their foot off the gas lately, and the Chargers aren’t sucking as much as they did earlier in the season, but old Bill isn’t going to let those boys lose. He’ll beat them to death with his sweatshirt before that happens. New England by 7.

New York Giants vs. Green Bay Packers
Now, I love little Eli Manning. I may be the only (albeit very independent, largely unread) media source that hasn’t blasted him all season. That being said, let’s be honest. The Giants chances of winning in Green Bay are about as likely as a sobriety day at Lambeau Field. The Giants look good on the road, but I don’t think they’ll look like a win this week. Brett Favre is too magical and the Giants pass rush isn’t that good. Brett Favre is a little bit more mature than that Tony Romo character, he can take it. Packers by 14. Sorry Eli, you’ll be watching the Super Bowl in Peyton’s living room this year.

In other news, Mike Carey will become the first black referee in Super Bowl history. AND he can vote too! What is this, 1975?

But the Giants still won. That’s right, haters. You all thought I was an idiot but I was RIGHT. So much for “America’s Team”. Leave it to Tony Romo to blow it in the playoffs two years in a row. Aww, look on the bright side Tony, think about all the time this frees up in your life for Jessica Simpson! Perhaps Dallas should change their nickname to “America’s One and Out Team”. T.O. may have brought back a healthy ankle, but unfortunately for the big star (not Terrell, the one in the middle of their jerseys) he also brought back his hands of brick. Eli borrowed Peyton’s laser-rocket arm, and led his team to victory. How about that Giants defense? Outstanding! Kings of the goal line stand. Perhaps the Bengals should be taking notes.

I am a little upset that my dreams of the Manning vs. Manning Super Bowl are over, but it was worth it to watch the Cowboys lose. However, as long as I don’t have to watch the Brady vs. Romo Super Bowl, my life is peaceful. I’m even ok with the much more probable Brady vs. Favre. But for today, how ’bout them Giants?

 Seattle Seahawks vs. Green Bay Packers
I’ve developed a liking for Matt Hasselbeck. It’s really a shame too, because after this week we won’t be seeing him for several months. It’s true, I initially picked the Seahawks to go all the way this season, but that was before they became one of the more inconsistent teams in the NFL. They don’t have a very good record against decent teams and they don’t have a man who is magical like a unicorn as their quarterback. Fav-Ray and friends by 10.

 Jacksonville Jaguars vs. New England Patriots
Hmm, here’s an interesting game. People everywhere (outside of Foxborough) are predicting that the Patriots can’t stop the Jags running game. The Jags were able to stop the Pittsburgh passing game, but that’s mostly because Pittsburgh has a terrible O-line and Big Ben is overrated. Let’s be honest, Jacksonville isn’t good at securing a lead apparently. I’m backing the Patriots, but only by 7, because they’ve really taken their foot off the gas recently.

 San Diego Chargers vs. Indianapolis Colts
Everyone is talking about the big rematch. What are the chances that Peyton will throw bajillion interceptions again? Not likely. Let’s recall that the Chargers still almost lost that game. Let’s also recall that they didn’t look too hot last week against Tennessee. Finally, let’s recall that Philip Rivers is a giant cry baby. He might be wearing a diaper. It’s been fun Norv Turner, but now it’s done. Colts..by 14.

 New York Giants vs. Dallas Cowboys
It’s hard to beat a team 3 times in one season, blah blah blah. Terrell Owens expects to play, but this doesn’t mean he won’t bring his brick hands. Meanwhile, the Giants are trying to overcome the impossible with a quarterback who has looked outstanding the last two weeks. Hmm, what to choose? Does common sense trump loyalty? Nope. Giants by 3. Eat it, Romo.

During tonights broadcast, John Madden brought us this little gem:

“When neither one of your quarterbacks can throw you become Brian Billick”

 Washington Redskins vs. Seattle Seahawks
I actually think this could be a pretty even match. I think the real story is that Mike Holmgren was a quarterback at some point in his life. Yo, chief. So here’s the deal, the Redskins, who barely slid into the playoffs, are flying across the country to play at Qwest Field. Seattle’s greatest defense is the time difference and the noise factor. I pick Seattle, by 7 or less.

 Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
All the whining in the world won’t improve the turf at Heinz Field, Fred Taylor. How about you just run the ball, ok? The Steelers are banged up, and supposedly are looking to strengthen their offensive line. That’s good guys, because that fat kid from Findlay has been on the run all season because your line is terrible. Jacksonville can pick apart the holes. This will also be an interesting game, and I hope..er, I mean pick the Jags by 10.

 New York Giants vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
If the Giants bring Eli to Tampa and leave Ellie at home, things will look good for them. However, Tampa Bay lost to the 49’ers. That’s pathetic. Let’s face it, the Giants almost beat the Patriots, that’s more than enough to beat the Buccaneers. Where did they even come from this season? I’m tired of the NFC South anyways (translation, “you don’t really think I’m going to start picking against Eli NOW do you?�?). Go Giants, by 10.

 Tennessee Titans vs. San Diego Chargers
I’m so glad that the Titans held on to beat Indy’s 3^rd string, which was enough to keep Cleveland out of the playoffs. That’s the most exciting thing the Titans will do concerning the post-season. I feel a blow out coming on. Even the Titans admit they can’t stop L.T. I vote for Chargers, by like 21…no matter how terrible Philip Rivers is.

Brian,

I know, we had this discussion all year about your terrible coaching. Well, now at least Baltimore is free from it. Hey, look on the bright side, I hear Atlanta needs a coach. Maybe you can spend next season arguing with DeAngelo Hall. Yep, there’s always a depressing upside

UPDATE

As predicted by my husband, Miami Dull-fins coach Cam Cameron has been fired because he has the lamest name ever. Also because Bill Parcels is still trying to find a way to bring all of the Dallas Cowboys staff to Miami. So here’s the husband’s prediction, Brian Billick goes to Miami.