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Some Early Football News…Too Entertaining To Resist

Posted by on May 12, 2008 2 Comments

Nearly all 85 players at the Baltimore Ravens mini-camp were involved in a brawl over pretty much nothing. Apparently someone was tackled, and then people started throwing punches. However, the guy throwing punches (initially) was not the guy who was tackled. At least this is what I can gather from the NFL.com article. I should probably just go ahead and blame this on old Brian too. If no one else, can we at least blame Cam Cameron? With a name (and record) that bad, he probably starts controversy to divert attention.

This nugget is sweet. Christ Henry wants to go play in Dallas. You know, the same Dallas that acquired Pacman Jones. Please Jesus, let this dream come true! Can you imagine? T.O. would be in a corner somewhere CRYING while Pacman and Henry were being arrested..daily. Chris stopped punching people in the face long enough to mention that he would also like to go play in New Orleans, but this isn’t funny as they have nothing to lose…besides 16 games. I’m glad that Chris has taken time to dream big during his house arrest. It’s worth noting here that Dallas has not shown any interest in Chris, perhaps its the hair?

Cincinnati continues its quest for the dumb. Shaun Alexander wants to come to Cincinnati, but why should they bother? When you already have 4 running backs, why acquire another? It’s not as if Cincinnati needs to replenish it’s linebackers or anything..not with the  laughable potential of Odell returning. Don’t you think the Bengals should take notes from the Reds? Don’t you remember the last time this town brought a hometown boy back from Seattle? Disaster. The best thing Shaun Alexander has to look forward to in this town is injured reserve.

Finally, the biggest jokes come from the Chicago Bears. GM Jerry Angelo calls Cedric Benson’s arrest, “not good for business”. You know, because Rex is. Oh wait, Kyle Orton is going to trump Rexie this year and obtain the starting position. Yes, also good for business. Why doesn’t Lovie just let Brian Urlacher throw? I mean, at least the dismal QB performances would make sense then.

By the way, did you hear Jay Cutler has diabetes? It’s the reason he was so terrible last season. Apparently it is very difficult to throw a football when one is in a diabetic coma.

PS – Congratulations to J.P. Losman, (who’s whining has rivaled Chad Johnson’s) not only does your entire team hate you but you’re STILL not being traded.

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Like Oil and Water….

Posted by on April 13, 2008 Leave a Comment

Guitar Hero and a pregnant belly don’t mix. You think this is silly? I’m completely serious! Skeletor has grown at LUDICROUS SPEED! these past two weeks and all of the sudden I have to hold the guitar off to the side or else the evil lord of destruction kicks the guitar away from my hands.

I thought kids were supposed to be teenagers before they started sucking the all joy from your life…….

skeletorcomic.jpg

Filed Under: Family, Nonsense, Squawk Box | Tagged:

Remember When….

Posted by on April 4, 2008 Leave a Comment

Remember when the Bengals released Chris Henry after his like…fortieth arrest and no one cared?

The better headline yesterday was “Man shot in rear end in West End”. Seriously. It was actually funnier than “Chris Henry loses job while in jail.” The even BETTER story was that earlier this week several of the Bengals players were kicked out of “Bang” nightclub (there’s a nightclub called Bang? why?). Apparently a security officer at the club called for backup saying “We’ve got some Bengals in here, Chris Henry, Chad Johnson and them”. Let it be known, Chad was NOT in da club. Which is really funny, considering if he was there, you would know. This security officer is probably the sharpest guy at Bang. Apparently players were lifting up women’s skirts and hanging from a chandelier in the back room (subsequently ruining the ceiling). I’m glad the Bengals are taking notes on classy behavior from the Vikings…..

Filed Under: Life in Cincinnati, Nonsense, Sports | Tagged:

Don’t Talk To Strangers

Posted by on February 10, 2008 3 Comments

Yesterday my mom invited me to tag along with her to the fabric store. Because I put a LOT of effort into procrastinating, I chose to go out rather than stay home and study like a good girl would (NOTE: I’m blogging, I’m still not studying). This turned into a whole day event because you can never go to just one fabric store, OH NO! You must go to THREE. Ok, so one was totally my suggestion, because again, I need to procrastinate.

So, we get to the store I had suggested and I am looking at some sock monkey fabric and this random woman comes up and screams in my ear, “THEY HAVE SOCK MONKEY FABRIC!”. You know those V-8 commericals where they slap people in the head? I had a mental image of something similar, although I would’ve slapped her with a bolt of fabric. So I left the aisle and went up to the clearance section. When I came back down this random woman goes, “Did you see her shirt?!” I was wearing a t-shirt with an appliqued flower on it, and this woman goes “can I see your shirt?”. Because I’m not a total jerk, I said yes. Apparently she needed to braille it out, because the next thing I know she has her hand on my chest touching said flower. Yo, chief, look with your eyes not with your hands on my boobs. She started telling me some story about craft camp, and I ended up walking away. I was too creeped out.

Lesson of the day: Don’t talk to strangers. Especially not when you are out with your mom and she wanders away so she can stand in another aisle and point and laugh at you. Also, strangers might molest you in the fabric store next to the nursery prints and that’s 37 kinds of wrong.

Filed Under: Nonsense, Procrastination | Tagged:

Which Of These Things Doesn’t Belong

Posted by on February 3, 2008 Leave a Comment

“New Orleans defensive end Charles Grant was stabbed in the neck, and a pregnant woman was shot and killed early Sunday in an altercation at a nightclub in southwest Georgia.”

Ok, I would expect to find an offseason football player in a night club. Heck, in Cincinnati you would expect to find them in a night club 12 hours before game time! However, what on earth was a pregnant lady doing at a night club?! Keep this one in mind kids, stay in school and don’t go to night clubs when you’re pregnant. They’re full of smoke and people with guns..and knives.

In other news, how ’bout them Giants?! Lawrence Tynes is somewhere thanking the heavens that it didn’t come down to a game winning field goal. Tom Brady is somewhere CRYING.

Filed Under: Nonsense, Procrastination, Sports | Tagged:

Why Sports Announcers Should Be Muzzled

Posted by on January 21, 2008 Leave a Comment

This gem brought to you by Troy Aikman, America’s favorite quarterback with a head injury:

“That was a fantastic catch with his hands!”

Um…what else is he supposed to catch with? Dumb.

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Who’s Hot, Who’s Not

Posted by on October 7, 2007 Leave a Comment

Tom Brady might be making more money as a male model than he is playing football, but I’d like to make my own nomination for the next People Magazine’s Sexiest Man of the Year.

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 I’m not bothered by dirty cheaters, and I respect a man who chooses to wear a dish rag as a sweatshirt. So rock the sweatshirt Bill, playa, play on.

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PS- I do like the hoodie.

Filed Under: Nonsense, Procrastination, Sports | Tagged:

This Is Getting Out Of Hand

Posted by on September 26, 2007 Leave a Comment

Sun delays, onion delays, watermelon delays and today, hot dog delays. I’m not joking, a hot dog delay. So there I am this morning, tooling down the highway, on my way to school and I come around a bend in the highway and all I see is breaklights and cars swerving every which way and I’m looking for an accident in the middle lane that I need to avoid but no, what do I see? People on the other side of a bridge driving down the grass to get to the street below, people driving down and entrance ramp to the highway because the highway has been shut down. I gave up being early for school at this point. Then I decided to follow the crowd, I got over into the shoulder, slammed the car into reverse and drove backwards about a fourth of a mile to the exit ramp and started driving through Kentucky as if I had a clue where I was going. When I left school 3 hours later, the highway was still shut down and it smelled like dead animals, so when I arrived home I checked out the local news to find that a semi truck full of rotten hot dogs had overturned. Now, while I do see the humor here I really think that all this food on the highway recently is really getting out of control. That being said, I do agree with the person who was quoted by local news as saying, “It looked like hot dogs, but the stench was enough to make you physically ill.” It was truely vomitous.

And the hits just keep on coming for Michael Vick, who tested positive for the marijuana. I suppose that’s just part of his culture too.

Filed Under: Life in Cincinnati, Nonsense, Sports | Tagged:

GRIESE! GRIESE!

Posted by on September 23, 2007 Leave a Comment

Dear Donovan McNabb,
Did you stop crying long enough to watch Dallas kick the Bears all over Soldier Field? I hope so.
Sincerely,
Football Fans of America

Here’s some announcer quotes from tonights game concerning another of Rex’s “quality” performances:
“We’ve seen good Rex, now we’re seeing bad Rex” – Al Michaels
“The booing would be a lot louder but half the crowd is already in the parking lot” – Al Michaels
“It’s getting to the point that I think Rex is booing himself” – John Madden

Sunday Night Football recap: Rex sucked when it counted, situation normal.

Dear Rexie,
If you don’t pull it together, Soldier Field is going to become a lions den…literally. And we’ve seen you on the run, it won’t be pretty.

Sincerely,
Chicago Bears Fans

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Fashion Police I Am Not, But……

Posted by on July 12, 2007 Leave a Comment

Rosie O’Donnell decided to take the opportunity to bash Elisabeth Hasslebeck and Donald Trump on her family oriented gay/lesbian cruise. You know, the cruise that cancelled the vacations for a lot of non-gay people (what I’m really saying is cancelled vacations of legitimate families). First, if it’s a gay family fun cruise, should she really be sitting around making fun of others? Because when I think family entertainment, I think let’s go listen to a squawk box talk poorly of others. Please, I can do that at home, Joy Behar is still on The View. Anyways, Rosie decided it would be fun to make fun of others while dressed in this stunning ensemble.

rosiecruisebash71107.jpg

Yep, that’s right. She is making fun of others, meanwhile she is dressed like a 1990 nightmare in yellow crocs. She also appears to have some sort of ankle boot tattoed on her leg. I pity the fool who had to do that. Dykes everywhere, behold your king…or better yet, just stick with Ellen.

Filed Under: Nonsense, Squawk Box | Tagged:
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