Here you go!

It’s been a while..just far too long. Aaron & I are officially done moving stuff from the ghetto and we are now only fighting about how to unpack things. Fun times. I think I am starting to understand “irreconcilable differences”. It means couples couldn’t agree on which of their 14 closets to put board games. It also means we are super lame.

Clermont County was a never-ending source of intelligence this week. First, some kid kills himself or a friend (I wasn’t really paying attention, all I saw on the news was a bunch of kids with carhart & camoflage..laughter ensued and I ceased to pay attention) hill hopping out in the middle of nowhere. I will never figure out why kids think it’s a great idea to drive 900 m.p.h. in the middle of nowhere, over hills, and the only thing around for miles to hit is trees and a ditch. It’s a cry for help..HELP! We are stupid! THEN a volunteer managed to drown in the Little Miami River while helping to clean up litter and debris. As my dad says, “No good deed goes unpunished.” Apparently, a few volunteers decided to cross the river to get to the other side (why did the chicken cross the road?) One man made it across, one man turned back, and one man drowned. It’s a bad joke: three guys walk into a river…

So apparently if the bird flu doesn’t get us, the mumps will. I’m not sure why everyone is so up in arms about the mumps. My brother had the mumps waaay back in the late 70′s, he lived and he’s fine. What’s the big deal? So it makes men sterile? I honestly don’t see the problem here. Maybe some of those who shouldn’t reproduce will get mumps and save us a few stupid nuggets. Besides, MMR…isn’t that a standard vaccination? Wasn’t I required to have this before I could start kindergarten?

Oooooo, our mayor is SO tough! He says there’s a serious effort being made to fight crime in Cincinnati. Yeah right, like there’s a serious effort to catch whoever put a boot in my door? They are cracking down on drug dealers (cracking down on crack) in OTR. In the words of Ron Burgundy, “I don’t believe you”. Apparently police are doing sweeps through the area and have already seized 20 guns, shut down five blocks worth of open-air pot markets along Vine Street (everyone’s FAVORITE cultural experience) and only 1 shooting has occurred since the sweeps started, leading me to believe the sweeps just started yesterday. Mayor Mark Mallory is walking the streets of OTR with a body guard, and some random kid “C.J.” has this to say about the mayor being in the ghetto: “You probably would need a bodyguard ’cause you’re going through some (expletive) trying to get these (expletive) off the streets.” Oh OTR, stay the same..never change, for posterities sake!

In exciting celebrity news, Keith Richards has been hospitalized after he fell from a palm tree in Fiji. Why does it not surprise me that the Rolling Stone who can’t speak also cannot climb trees? Here’s a 62 year old man who looks about 78, always has a cigarette handy, and has smoked & acid-ed (yup, I said it!) more brain cells than the average washed up rocker…and he falls from a tree. I think what really happened is he is reverting back to his primate roots and climbing back down the evolution tree. Keith Richards, knuckle dragger.

Douche bag of the week: Brit Adam Kidrom, who release the Spanish version of the Star-Spangled Banner in order to honor America’s immigrants. First, there are more immigrants in America than those friggin’ Mexicans. Second, WE SPEAK ENGLISH IN AMERICA!! A Brit of all things should know this. George W.s response to whether or not the National Anthem should be sung in Spanish makes my heart sing: I think the National Anthem ought to be sung in English, and I think people who want to be a citizen of this country ought to learn English and they ought to learn to sing the National Anthem in English. A remix of the Spanish version is already planned, and they are already planning on inserting slogans to complain about U.S. immigration laws. Slogans like These kids have no parents, cause all of these mean lawslets not start a war with all these hard workers, they cant help where they were born. However, they CAN help the fact that they choose to come here and do things illegally. They choose not to, and therefore I think we should choose to send them all back to where they came from, and if the boat sinks on the way, well, you win some you lose some. Yes, this country was built by immigrants, however they created laws and now these newbies feel they are above all that (you know, taxes and stuff) and Im raging pissed when I go to Wendy’s and I cant order without saying numero quatro..pronto mi amigo.

Yeah, that pope..he’s a real genius. He says that lack of true love is the reason for the increase in failed marriages. WHAT?! You mean people get married for reasons other than love? No way! I mean, I thought all those people who got married because they were knocked up were really in love. Or when people make comments like “if you’ve dated for a year, you’re ready to get married…” Yeah, that’s real love, putting a time limit on the appropriate time for dating. Sometimes I want to claw my skin off……

In other horrible news I’ve learned that Meijer now carries a “personal massager” near the pregnancy tests…it amounts to a vibrator. They also sell vibrating rings. I think the fact that Meijer is competing with the Hustler store is far more disturbing than the guy who used to ask me for extra small condoms..I mean, at least he was mentally handicapped.

SWEET! After thousands of years there’s a new book of the Bible. “The Gospel of Judas�?. I’m so excited to hear Judas’ side of the story, all I can really think is that feminist bumper sticker Dr. Luecke had “Eve was framed.�? Only..Judas instead of Eve. According to the document Judas defends his betrayal stating he did only what Jesus told him to do. So..Dear Judas, If you were fulfilling the Lord’s request, why did you hang yourself? Just Wondering.

Oh, this is awesome! Live pigs are being used to test military taser guns. I love it!! I’m sure PETA does too…There’s a video @ wlwt.com under the weird news section. This PETA lady is all “boo-hoo WAAAA! The pigs are clearly screaming!�?. Ok, PETA you come up with a better solution, no wait..because I have one. Why doesn’t the Dept. of Defense start testing different taser devices on members of PETA. Then they’ll shut up about animal testing and the rest of us can be happy that we don’t have to listen to them whine. Honestly, the only people who would volunteer to be the subject for taser studies aren’t mentally stable. Therefore, they aren’t qualified to sign the informed consent papers and won’t be allowed to participate in the study. Thanks Ron White, for all the health care ethics knowledge….and that anal raping, it was much appreciated.

Remember the one eyed kitty?? (see blog archive: Jan. 13, 2006). It’s going to be a museum centerpiece. I just wish I could say the word Kitty without thinking of that song by Presidents of the United States blah blah…you know..the song that wasn’t Lump. This was all really irrelevant.

In a news story that I’m surprised didn’t come from Cincinnati, but rather Tacoma WA, federal agents wanted to seize the gold tooth caps from 2 suspected drug dealers. Apparently, dental work (almost) qualified as assets that can be seized. The druggies were actually in the car on the way to a local dentist before a judge stopped laughing long enough to pound the gavel. Apparently there is some confusion about these teeth: The prosecutors wanted the gold caps as evidence (can you hide crack in your caps?) and believed that they slipped on and off like a retainer. Yes, some do..however, not all of them. Congrats on the research guys. The defense was concerned for the dental health of their client and persuaded the judge to stop the nonsense because “it would damage their teeth to remove the caps�?. Who cares? $100 says their dental hygiene is less than acceptable to begin with, so who cares if their teeth are damaged or not?

Quote of the day: “The gold-capped teeth known as “Grills�? have been made populare by some rappers.�?

Only in California: a principal (my hero) greased to fence of his high-school with wheel-bearing grease in order to deter students from skipping class. Why were they skipping? To join the immigration protests. That’s classic right there. Here’s a better tactic: Just hire guys to wear INS jackets and stand outside the school, that’ll keep the kids inside. However, the tactic wasn’t very successful as 300 students left anyways. Pissed off, illegal immigrant parents are upset because their kids ended up covered in grease. Well, then maybe they should stay in school..or better yet, maybe your family should’ve stayed in Mexico. Freaking aliens. They are worse than the homeless.

Ok, I know I can’t be the only one thinking this: Kirstie Alley looks like a drag queen these days. Really, she looks exceptionally manish. Sorry, I tend to spaz out at Jenny Craig commercials….

So, back in September there was a body found left in a dumpster. Back in September the news was referring to is as a dumpster. However, NOW the news has decided to get all politically correct about garbage and it’s now a “body found in a trash receptacle”. I find this new wording unacceptable. Clarification? SURE! By definition a receptacle is anything that holds items or matter. Therefore, a TRASH receptacle would be anything that holds an item or matter of trash. A. This means our politically correct news is now referring to a dead body as trash, that’s someone’s family ya know! B. A “trash receptacle” could range anywhere from a plastic sand bucket to one of those PODS things they advertise on T.V…as long as it holds matter of trash. Besides, when I think trash receptacle I think kitchen garbage can, and who stuffs a body in there? Well…we are dealing with OTR geniuses…

Here’s an example of CPD at it’s finest. “Police Search for Stabbing Victim”. Yeah, probably about as hard as they search for home invaders and car thieves, but we won’t get into that right now. Apparently a man admitted to stabbing another man in some woods on Central Parkway. How much searching should need to be done? Did this lunatic stab a miracle of modern science? Is there not a blood trail to follow? Is this like that movie “City of Angels” where the guy doesn’t bleed when he cuts his finger? The cops decided to go door to door, not selling donuts, but in search of the stabbing victim. Door to Door? Apparently CPD has been taking lessons from Avon when it comes to fighting crime. How about checking local hospitals? If I get stabbed, I’m not going back home. “Honey, get me a beer..I’ve been stabbed.” Maybe this man is a miracle, and he didn’t bleed. I can imagine the scenario: “Hey Jo-Jo…go ahead stab me..see if I bleed. Oh dang..I do bleed..go tell the po-po!!”. Dumbest city ever..

Now, as irritating as this city might be, I think I stay for the good news stories. If Cincinnati is boring, I can always count on Hamilton to provide entertainment. It’s Monday and we have a winner for the douchebag award, because I don’t know that this can be topped. A knife-wielding psycho moron jumped over the pharmacy counter at a Wal-Greens in Hamilton and demanded OxyContin. Though she works in Hamilton, the pharmacist isn’t a TOTAL boob, because she handed over the goods and let the psycho baboon go. A few hours later this douchie shows up in the Ft. Hamilton Hospital ER after overdosing on OxyContin. That’s pure genius right there. And heres genius for you to marvel at! (i know you all like the visuals)

Remember that Haitian lady who landed in Hollywood Florida a few months ago with a skull in her bag? Well, she’s being charged with: smuggling a human head into the United States without proper documentation, Failure to declare a human head, and Transporting hazardous material in air commerce. I love it. What qualifies for proper documentation for a human head? Is there even a place on the form the declare a human head? “Um stewardess, I declared all of my alcohol and the 14 pounds of cocaine in my bag..but there’s not a box to check for the human head in my carry-on..what should I do?” Her defense is AWESOME by the way: “I need the head to ward off evil spirits.” I think “evil spirits” means “I was a hired hitman and I need to carry the skull as proof that I did the deed in order to collect the kiz-ash”. I also like that she gets a plea deal to avoid deportation. I mean, this skull was complete with human hair, teeth and skin!! Elian Gonzalez, you are 6 years old and sailed across the Gulf of Mexico on half a barrel and a Cadillac tire, Get thee back to Cuba you terrorist! Crazy Haitian lady with a human skull, just plea out, pay the fine…and don’t make a voodoo doll of me, enjoy some tax-free American living as an illegal alien. Am I sensing a double standard?

It’s been a while friends and I feel I owe you a little posty post. OH SNAP BATESVILLE! It seems like your Advanced Auto Parts store got robbed. Now, these criminals aren’t very smart. Because they are black (this is NOT what makes them not smart..follow along kiddies) and they went to Batesville. When I think Batesville I do not think black mecca, I think John Deere and old whiteys. So, they were already making spectacles of themselves. I do not think crossing state lines and a police chase makes them any more intelligent. Then one of these bozo’s gets into an apartment and they have to call the SWAT team out. Really..was it necessary? Just wait it out, eventually his friend in a stolen Jeep will be by to go out for BW-3’s and you can get him them.

WHOA! I realize old people are feisty but this is extreme, a senior citizen has been charged with a 1978 murder. A 78 year old man was arrested for the murder of..well, some other person. He also shot someone else, but he’s not a good shot. He left the other person a paraplegic rather than the dead I’m sure he intended. Best part, when he was arrested he had a .38 special on him when he was arrested. Don’t eff with him.

A 12 year old girl was shot in the buttocks in Avondale. She is “in good spirits�?. A 10 year old boy was also shot, in the leg. However, this shot does NOT get a Forrest Gump reference. Apparently it was a drive by to little kids. According to a witness there were at least 10 shots fired, only at the kids. Said witness would like to see a curfew in the city, but made a point to include the sarcastic toned “but ya’ll aint going to put no curfew out there, aint nothing going to stop this violence, but a curfew would calm it down�?. I love it, I love when citizens express hatred for it’s leaders.

Apparently the life of maids gets pretty hectic. 2 maids in South Carolina got into a fight over toilet paper. (Names have been changed to protect the moronic) Betty claims Billie Sue stole the toilet paper off her cleaning cart, while Billie Sue makes the same accusation of Betty. After getting pissed Betty grabs a plunger and hits Billie Sue, for protection Billie Sue grabs a mop and hits Betty. Billie Sue was arrested for assault and battery with a mop, and her defense stands as “ I was defending myself from the plunger�?. Betty has been taken to the hospital for minor injuries. And I did NOT make this up, it’s in the weird news at www.channelcincinnati.com .

This is just as hilarious. A woman in Florida is suing Walgreens for defamation of character, negligent supervision and intentional infliction of emotional distress. The Walgreens worker seems to have left a little message for the woman on her patient information “CrAzY!�? I love it. Apparently previously when the women picked up her sleep aid prescription, another message was left “She’s really a psycho!! Do not say her name too loud, never mention her meds by names..�? I love it. The woman has obviously made herself an annoying pest at the Walgreens so now she’s just suing them. Way to go lady. I’m taking Walgreens side, because you don’t get called a psycho unless you start acting annoying. FYI…for all of those who don’t know: if you act crazy, you’ll be labeled crazy.

Brain surgery in Oakland is at your own risk. The chief of neurosurgery at an Oakland hospital was wrestled to the floor after a nurse refused to let him operate. What makes him unqualified you ask? Hmmm, he was drunk. That’s right, he was preparing to do surgery on a patient with fractured vertebrae..right next to the spinal cord! If I became a paraplegic because my doctor was drunk, there’d be so much more than medical malpractice to worry about!

Douche Bag of the Week is coming from France. A father was arrested after drugging his children’s tennis rivals. I mean really, is tennis that important? LOVE! That’s about the only tennis term I know..and I could be wrong. The reward for his relentless desire for the most awesome tennis playing children ever? 8 years in prison after this drugging resulted in the death of an opponent. He spiked the water bottles of 27 opponents. Now, I’m not sure how old this man’s children were, but they were playing a 25 year old who fell asleep at the wheel on his way home after losing a match and died. This brings a whole new meaning to living vicariously through your children. Living vicariously by becoming a douche bag….