Here Ya Go!

Here you go!

It’s been a while..just far too long. Aaron & I are officially done moving stuff from the ghetto and we are now only fighting about how to unpack things. Fun times. I think I am starting to understand “irreconcilable differences”. It means couples couldn’t agree on which of their 14 closets to put board games. It also means we are super lame.

Clermont County was a never-ending source of intelligence this week. First, some kid kills himself or a friend (I wasn’t really paying attention, all I saw on the news was a bunch of kids with carhart & camoflage..laughter ensued and I ceased to pay attention) hill hopping out in the middle of nowhere. I will never figure out why kids think it’s a great idea to drive 900 m.p.h. in the middle of nowhere, over hills, and the only thing around for miles to hit is trees and a ditch. It’s a cry for help..HELP! We are stupid! THEN a volunteer managed to drown in the Little Miami River while helping to clean up litter and debris. As my dad says, “No good deed goes unpunished.” Apparently, a few volunteers decided to cross the river to get to the other side (why did the chicken cross the road?) One man made it across, one man turned back, and one man drowned. It’s a bad joke: three guys walk into a river…

So apparently if the bird flu doesn’t get us, the mumps will. I’m not sure why everyone is so up in arms about the mumps. My brother had the mumps waaay back in the late 70′s, he lived and he’s fine. What’s the big deal? So it makes men sterile? I honestly don’t see the problem here. Maybe some of those who shouldn’t reproduce will get mumps and save us a few stupid nuggets. Besides, MMR…isn’t that a standard vaccination? Wasn’t I required to have this before I could start kindergarten?

Oooooo, our mayor is SO tough! He says there’s a serious effort being made to fight crime in Cincinnati. Yeah right, like there’s a serious effort to catch whoever put a boot in my door? They are cracking down on drug dealers (cracking down on crack) in OTR. In the words of Ron Burgundy, “I don’t believe you”. Apparently police are doing sweeps through the area and have already seized 20 guns, shut down five blocks worth of open-air pot markets along Vine Street (everyone’s FAVORITE cultural experience) and only 1 shooting has occurred since the sweeps started, leading me to believe the sweeps just started yesterday. Mayor Mark Mallory is walking the streets of OTR with a body guard, and some random kid “C.J.” has this to say about the mayor being in the ghetto: “You probably would need a bodyguard ’cause you’re going through some (expletive) trying to get these (expletive) off the streets.” Oh OTR, stay the same..never change, for posterities sake!

In exciting celebrity news, Keith Richards has been hospitalized after he fell from a palm tree in Fiji. Why does it not surprise me that the Rolling Stone who can’t speak also cannot climb trees? Here’s a 62 year old man who looks about 78, always has a cigarette handy, and has smoked & acid-ed (yup, I said it!) more brain cells than the average washed up rocker…and he falls from a tree. I think what really happened is he is reverting back to his primate roots and climbing back down the evolution tree. Keith Richards, knuckle dragger.

Douche bag of the week: Brit Adam Kidrom, who release the Spanish version of the Star-Spangled Banner in order to honor America’s immigrants. First, there are more immigrants in America than those friggin’ Mexicans. Second, WE SPEAK ENGLISH IN AMERICA!! A Brit of all things should know this. George W.s response to whether or not the National Anthem should be sung in Spanish makes my heart sing: I think the National Anthem ought to be sung in English, and I think people who want to be a citizen of this country ought to learn English and they ought to learn to sing the National Anthem in English. A remix of the Spanish version is already planned, and they are already planning on inserting slogans to complain about U.S. immigration laws. Slogans like These kids have no parents, cause all of these mean lawslets not start a war with all these hard workers, they cant help where they were born. However, they CAN help the fact that they choose to come here and do things illegally. They choose not to, and therefore I think we should choose to send them all back to where they came from, and if the boat sinks on the way, well, you win some you lose some. Yes, this country was built by immigrants, however they created laws and now these newbies feel they are above all that (you know, taxes and stuff) and Im raging pissed when I go to Wendy’s and I cant order without saying numero quatro..pronto mi amigo.

Yeah, that pope..he’s a real genius. He says that lack of true love is the reason for the increase in failed marriages. WHAT?! You mean people get married for reasons other than love? No way! I mean, I thought all those people who got married because they were knocked up were really in love. Or when people make comments like “if you’ve dated for a year, you’re ready to get married…” Yeah, that’s real love, putting a time limit on the appropriate time for dating. Sometimes I want to claw my skin off……

In other horrible news I’ve learned that Meijer now carries a “personal massager” near the pregnancy tests…it amounts to a vibrator. They also sell vibrating rings. I think the fact that Meijer is competing with the Hustler store is far more disturbing than the guy who used to ask me for extra small condoms..I mean, at least he was mentally handicapped.

Judas’ Story, Tased Pigs, Grillz & Greasy Mexicans (literally!)

SWEET! After thousands of years there’s a new book of the Bible. “The Gospel of Judas�?. I’m so excited to hear Judas’ side of the story, all I can really think is that feminist bumper sticker Dr. Luecke had “Eve was framed.�? Only..Judas instead of Eve. According to the document Judas defends his betrayal stating he did only what Jesus told him to do. So..Dear Judas, If you were fulfilling the Lord’s request, why did you hang yourself? Just Wondering.

Oh, this is awesome! Live pigs are being used to test military taser guns. I love it!! I’m sure PETA does too…There’s a video @ wlwt.com under the weird news section. This PETA lady is all “boo-hoo WAAAA! The pigs are clearly screaming!�?. Ok, PETA you come up with a better solution, no wait..because I have one. Why doesn’t the Dept. of Defense start testing different taser devices on members of PETA. Then they’ll shut up about animal testing and the rest of us can be happy that we don’t have to listen to them whine. Honestly, the only people who would volunteer to be the subject for taser studies aren’t mentally stable. Therefore, they aren’t qualified to sign the informed consent papers and won’t be allowed to participate in the study. Thanks Ron White, for all the health care ethics knowledge….and that anal raping, it was much appreciated.

Remember the one eyed kitty?? (see blog archive: Jan. 13, 2006). It’s going to be a museum centerpiece. I just wish I could say the word Kitty without thinking of that song by Presidents of the United States blah blah…you know..the song that wasn’t Lump. This was all really irrelevant.

In a news story that I’m surprised didn’t come from Cincinnati, but rather Tacoma WA, federal agents wanted to seize the gold tooth caps from 2 suspected drug dealers. Apparently, dental work (almost) qualified as assets that can be seized. The druggies were actually in the car on the way to a local dentist before a judge stopped laughing long enough to pound the gavel. Apparently there is some confusion about these teeth: The prosecutors wanted the gold caps as evidence (can you hide crack in your caps?) and believed that they slipped on and off like a retainer. Yes, some do..however, not all of them. Congrats on the research guys. The defense was concerned for the dental health of their client and persuaded the judge to stop the nonsense because “it would damage their teeth to remove the caps�?. Who cares? $100 says their dental hygiene is less than acceptable to begin with, so who cares if their teeth are damaged or not?

Quote of the day: “The gold-capped teeth known as “Grills�? have been made populare by some rappers.�?

Only in California: a principal (my hero) greased to fence of his high-school with wheel-bearing grease in order to deter students from skipping class. Why were they skipping? To join the immigration protests. That’s classic right there. Here’s a better tactic: Just hire guys to wear INS jackets and stand outside the school, that’ll keep the kids inside. However, the tactic wasn’t very successful as 300 students left anyways. Pissed off, illegal immigrant parents are upset because their kids ended up covered in grease. Well, then maybe they should stay in school..or better yet, maybe your family should’ve stayed in Mexico. Freaking aliens. They are worse than the homeless.

Random Nuggets of Stupid

Hmm, America is getting fat?? NO WAY! New problem: Kids are now becoming too fat for their car seats. Apparently most 3 year olds are over the 40 pound weight limit for the average car seat. Unless these 3 year olds are unusually tall, they are most definitely unusually fat. Haley is now 4, she no longer rides in a car seat (older kids get booster seats), she is about 30 pounds and is exceptionally tall for her age. She does not fall into fat kid in a little car seat syndrome. So now, to combat Fat Kid Syndrome, car seat manufacturers are making larger sized car seats, and calling them “Husky�? models. I find this incredibly helpful, because not only is your toddler fat, now they have a self-esteem problem because their first memory is of their husky sized car seat. I’m really surprised fat baby parents aren’t in an outrage over this husky issue, I mean..in the 1970’s it was one thing to have Wrangler jeans that came in husky sizes, but this is 2006. Liberals have taken over, and SURELY there is a politically correct way to say fat kids and I’m positive it isn’t “husky�?. I mean, if there’s a more p.c. way to refer to a dumpster…..

Here’s a surprise: People don’t find themselves to be annoying. That’s funny, because I find other people to be annoying…

In a recent poll among cell phone users only 8% cared enough about their own personal integrity to admit that their cell phone usage is annoying to others. Some random old lady (NOT Judy Dench) complains that it’s always college kids talking about personal stuff that gets on her nerves because she doesn’t care to hear it. My response: then stop eavesdropping grandma! Turn down the Belltone and move on! Seriously, they aren’t talking to you so don’t worry about what they’re yakking about. My favorite person surveyed was from Colorado. She’s like “I have to have a cell phone. I have kids and I need the freedom to be the places I need to be.�? Where does she need to be that she can’t take her kids? I think what she’s really saying is “I have kids and I want to leave them somewhere and know that someone can call me when I’m at the bar and I can pretend to be a more responsible parent..not that I really care.�? She also goes on to grumble something about having a cell phone means people can reach her anytime. No it doesn’t, because cell phones have power buttons. If you don’t want to be bothered, turn it off. Here’s another thought: just don’t answer. My dad raised me with this mindset: just because the doorbell or phone rings doesn’t mean you have to answer it, it just means someone wants to waste your time.�?

More surprises:

  • 28% admit they don’t drive as safely as they should because they are on their cell phones. My response: the other 72% are LYING! I dodge all you stupid kids, soccer moms & corporate yuppies and the “don’t drive safeâ€?? is an understatement. You’re a death waiting to happen, especially that one guy who used to follow me down 71 every morning. No lie, he’d be on his cell phone AND reading the newspaper. God and I got very close that semester..
  • 36% are in SHOCK at the size of their monthly service bills. How is this even possible? Can’t you get like 10 million minutes for $49.95 a month or something now? I don’t even scratch the surface of using my minutes up, and these people are in shock because their bills are so high? I’m in some shock of my own..over the idiocy. Maybe I would be in shock too, if I hadn’t been raised not to answer the phone…..

Kirstie Alley = DRAG QUEEN and other rants

Ok, I know I can’t be the only one thinking this: Kirstie Alley looks like a drag queen these days. Really, she looks exceptionally manish. Sorry, I tend to spaz out at Jenny Craig commercials….

So, back in September there was a body found left in a dumpster. Back in September the news was referring to is as a dumpster. However, NOW the news has decided to get all politically correct about garbage and it’s now a “body found in a trash receptacle”. I find this new wording unacceptable. Clarification? SURE! By definition a receptacle is anything that holds items or matter. Therefore, a TRASH receptacle would be anything that holds an item or matter of trash. A. This means our politically correct news is now referring to a dead body as trash, that’s someone’s family ya know! B. A “trash receptacle” could range anywhere from a plastic sand bucket to one of those PODS things they advertise on T.V…as long as it holds matter of trash. Besides, when I think trash receptacle I think kitchen garbage can, and who stuffs a body in there? Well…we are dealing with OTR geniuses…

Here’s an example of CPD at it’s finest. “Police Search for Stabbing Victim”. Yeah, probably about as hard as they search for home invaders and car thieves, but we won’t get into that right now. Apparently a man admitted to stabbing another man in some woods on Central Parkway. How much searching should need to be done? Did this lunatic stab a miracle of modern science? Is there not a blood trail to follow? Is this like that movie “City of Angels” where the guy doesn’t bleed when he cuts his finger? The cops decided to go door to door, not selling donuts, but in search of the stabbing victim. Door to Door? Apparently CPD has been taking lessons from Avon when it comes to fighting crime. How about checking local hospitals? If I get stabbed, I’m not going back home. “Honey, get me a beer..I’ve been stabbed.” Maybe this man is a miracle, and he didn’t bleed. I can imagine the scenario: “Hey Jo-Jo…go ahead stab me..see if I bleed. Oh dang..I do bleed..go tell the po-po!!”. Dumbest city ever..

Now, as irritating as this city might be, I think I stay for the good news stories. If Cincinnati is boring, I can always count on Hamilton to provide entertainment. It’s Monday and we have a winner for the douchebag award, because I don’t know that this can be topped. A knife-wielding psycho moron jumped over the pharmacy counter at a Wal-Greens in Hamilton and demanded OxyContin. Though she works in Hamilton, the pharmacist isn’t a TOTAL boob, because she handed over the goods and let the psycho baboon go. A few hours later this douchie shows up in the Ft. Hamilton Hospital ER after overdosing on OxyContin. That’s pure genius right there. And heres genius for you to marvel at! (i know you all like the visuals)

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Remember that Haitian lady who landed in Hollywood Florida a few months ago with a skull in her bag? Well, she’s being charged with: smuggling a human head into the United States without proper documentation, Failure to declare a human head, and Transporting hazardous material in air commerce. I love it. What qualifies for proper documentation for a human head? Is there even a place on the form the declare a human head? “Um stewardess, I declared all of my alcohol and the 14 pounds of cocaine in my bag..but there’s not a box to check for the human head in my carry-on..what should I do?” Her defense is AWESOME by the way: “I need the head to ward off evil spirits.” I think “evil spirits” means “I was a hired hitman and I need to carry the skull as proof that I did the deed in order to collect the kiz-ash”. I also like that she gets a plea deal to avoid deportation. I mean, this skull was complete with human hair, teeth and skin!! Elian Gonzalez, you are 6 years old and sailed across the Gulf of Mexico on half a barrel and a Cadillac tire, Get thee back to Cuba you terrorist! Crazy Haitian lady with a human skull, just plea out, pay the fine…and don’t make a voodoo doll of me, enjoy some tax-free American living as an illegal alien. Am I sensing a double standard?

 

Countdown to Caelan Begins

I will be an aunt again no later than Thursday. My brother called and the doctor says he will induce my sister in law on Thursday, which I think means Caelan will be here Wednesday. Haley decided to appear the day before her induction date, so we shall see.

So, this douche bag in Maryland rode a subway train to Washington D.C. before realizing he had forgotten his 7 month old daughter in the car. He had a “memory flash” in Washington and got on a train back to Maryland. By the time douchie got back to his car concerned citizens had already alerted authorities to the situation, and baby was then safe with mommy (who I’m sure was ready to stab daddy..with a 3 inch paring knife). The man was supposedly “terrified and embarrassed”. I’d be terrified too, because I’m sure mommy is like a mother bear and ready to eat this guy. He’s being charged with leaving a child under 8 unattended, could face a hefty fine of $500 and 30 days in jail. The defense is lame, and is that dad isn’t normally in charge of the baby’s childcare arrangements. Well, I can see why! Maybe I’m just different, but when I have something new going on I typically remember it, because I make the extra effort to remember. I forget mundane things, like putting on my watch. Do I think dad meant baby harm? No. Do I think Dad should be more observant? Yes. Would I beat Aaron with a herring if he left my kid in a car? Yes, after I finished beating him with an ironing board..because that’s what Martha Stewart would do, and then knit a shawl.

A new study shoes that it’s becoming increasingly difficult to find “new blood” in the clergy. By new blood, they mean church leaders under 35 years old. The study shows:

<5% United Methodist Clergy
4% Episcopal clergy
5% Evangelical Lutheran clergy
7% Presbyterians clergy
3% Catholic clergy
12.7% Church of Nazarene clergy

It says nothing about Baptists here, and I’m not sure if they mean actual head of churches or if associate pastors/priests count. However, I’m just going to go by my own churches staff. There have always been associate pastors under 35 in my lifetime, usually they are the youth leaders. However, one must be voted in to the position of head pastor in our church, and there’s a ton of old people there, so if you’re young..good luck with that.

I think the reason Baptists have an easier time than Catholics getting young priests is that Baptist’s encourage marriage and horniness. No joke. Aaron and I had to sit through marriage counseling with an associate pastor (who’s under 35) who told us he has sex with his wife 6+ times a week. He is not an attractive man, and his wife looks like an elf. The mental image has been scarring me ever since. On the flip side, Catholics don’t encourage marriage or sex for their clergy, and I can’t think of any guy under 35 who’s swearing off sex. Asking horny guys to give up sex? Forgive me Father, but I’m not stupid. And I keep thinking of this crazy girl from PT school, who had like 7 brothers and sisters..and she was a total crack head alcoholic. She announces one day in class that her mom used to be a nun and her dad was training to be a priest..then they met each other and gave up celibacy.

March is “Women’s History Month!”. Is this really necessary? Do we need minority history months? I’m moving to Canada when we start having Mexican history month, Cinco De Mayo is bad enough. Let me break down women’s history for you: Eve fashioned from Adam’s rib, Eve talks to snakes, Eve eats fruit from Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, Eve gets us all cursed (in turn I curse her every 28 days), women submit for thousands of years until Susan B. Anthony throws a fit so we can vote (and gets herself on a silver dollar), Amelia Earhart flies a plane into oblivion, thousands of women burn bras (and now have tits around their waist), Britney Spears & Paris Hilton set the entire gender back by centuries just by being their stupid selves…….and THAT’S women’s history.

Apparently poor hospital patients in LA are being dropped off in sketchy areas of town. Literally, they are being dropped off still wearing hospital gowns. There’s video on WLWT.COM to prove it. A taxi cab was video-taped dropping a woman off in front of a city mission. The woman couldn’t remember anything that was going on. I think this practice is mildly funny, although I am pretty sure it breaks the Hippocratic Oath.

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It’s a Hullabaloo!

DOUCHE BAG OF THE WEEK! I know you all sit and wait for this award. I’m glad to hear that stupidity exists elsewhere besides Cincinnati. In case you all couldn’t tell yet, I”m not really a fan of child molesters or rapists, as if that needs to be said. Like child molesters have fans…but anyways. So a judge in Columbus (or C-Bus if you guys like that) allowed a plea deal that let a 46 year old man who was being charged with 20 counts of rape to only be convicted on 2 counts of sexual battery. This guy won’t even go to jail! He just has to be labeled as a sexual predator, be on house arrest, be on probation, and do some sort of “don’t rape people” treatment.

Basically, this repeat offending jerk off rapist gets off pretty much scott-free. Does anyone really believe house arrest is going to be affective? Like he really cares about this treatment? He’s sitting around laughing like “yeah..treatment..piss off judicial system.” Probation?? Probation from WHAT, raping children? And how much does the state REALLY follow sexual predators? I mean, it’s on the news weekly about a sexual predator living too close to a school or daycare, and it’s usually the residents alerting the media to the problem. Best part of the story, this sicko is moving to Hamilton County. File this under, “Why I’m Moving: Vol. 2″!! The judge’s statement is that the rapist would’ve gotten 100 years in prison if he had been convicted of the charges and not pled out. 100 years in prison vs. no jail time. Yeah, it seems fair to me too. Who allows a plea bargain like this to happen? Douche bag of the week, that’s who. Hamilton County prosecutor has some uplifting advice for parents regarding this situation: “If you live on McMicken in Clifton, I’d be watching your kids closely. He is going to re-offend.” That’s fantastic, how about CPD and Hamilton County do something to prevent that? I have a question, If you live on McMicken in Clifton, why??

On to other things. In an interesting turn of Oscar events, the author of Brokeback Mountain (the book) has gotten rather bitter and started referring to “Crash” as “Trash”. Wow, what a clever use of words there. Now, I’m sure we all know how I feel about Crash, however the irony here is not lost on me. This person writes a book about gay cowboys and sits around calling anything else trash. Yeah, whatever lady. I’m using your book as toilet paper this week because I find that to be it’s best ust, therefore I am denying you the right to brush your shoulders off.

This news is fantastic! A man in California drives a garbage truck right? Well, he drove it right into his own car. Now he is suing the city for damages to his car, since he was working for the city at the time he carelessly wrecked into his own car. Essentially, he is suing himself. Now, hopefully the court won’t waste time and money and this case will be thrown out. However, I think this guy falls into a close second for douche bag of the week. Only in California..

Michael Douglas became a new favorite of mine earlier this week when he was in an apparently irritable mood and decided to sit and celebrity bash during an interview. Some Michael quotes I know we’ll all heart:

“I just don’t know about Brad Pitt leaving that beautiful woman to go hold orphans for Angelina Jolie. I mean, how long is that going to last?”

“Don’t ask me what happened with Renee Zellweger and her ex-husband Kenny Chesney. I don’t know how you can be married for four months.”

“And what about Julia and Lyle. There must be some incredible things you find out one night.”

I love that he takes time to rant about Julia and Lyle, even though they’ve been done for about a decade. I love when celebs turn into haters…

Live Vicariously, Become a Douche Bag

It’s been a while friends and I feel I owe you a little posty post. OH SNAP BATESVILLE! It seems like your Advanced Auto Parts store got robbed. Now, these criminals aren’t very smart. Because they are black (this is NOT what makes them not smart..follow along kiddies) and they went to Batesville. When I think Batesville I do not think black mecca, I think John Deere and old whiteys. So, they were already making spectacles of themselves. I do not think crossing state lines and a police chase makes them any more intelligent. Then one of these bozo’s gets into an apartment and they have to call the SWAT team out. Really..was it necessary? Just wait it out, eventually his friend in a stolen Jeep will be by to go out for BW-3’s and you can get him them.

WHOA! I realize old people are feisty but this is extreme, a senior citizen has been charged with a 1978 murder. A 78 year old man was arrested for the murder of..well, some other person. He also shot someone else, but he’s not a good shot. He left the other person a paraplegic rather than the dead I’m sure he intended. Best part, when he was arrested he had a .38 special on him when he was arrested. Don’t eff with him.

A 12 year old girl was shot in the buttocks in Avondale. She is “in good spirits�?. A 10 year old boy was also shot, in the leg. However, this shot does NOT get a Forrest Gump reference. Apparently it was a drive by to little kids. According to a witness there were at least 10 shots fired, only at the kids. Said witness would like to see a curfew in the city, but made a point to include the sarcastic toned “but ya’ll aint going to put no curfew out there, aint nothing going to stop this violence, but a curfew would calm it down�?. I love it, I love when citizens express hatred for it’s leaders.

Apparently the life of maids gets pretty hectic. 2 maids in South Carolina got into a fight over toilet paper. (Names have been changed to protect the moronic) Betty claims Billie Sue stole the toilet paper off her cleaning cart, while Billie Sue makes the same accusation of Betty. After getting pissed Betty grabs a plunger and hits Billie Sue, for protection Billie Sue grabs a mop and hits Betty. Billie Sue was arrested for assault and battery with a mop, and her defense stands as “ I was defending myself from the plunger�?. Betty has been taken to the hospital for minor injuries. And I did NOT make this up, it’s in the weird news at www.channelcincinnati.com .

This is just as hilarious. A woman in Florida is suing Walgreens for defamation of character, negligent supervision and intentional infliction of emotional distress. The Walgreens worker seems to have left a little message for the woman on her patient information “CrAzY!�? I love it. Apparently previously when the women picked up her sleep aid prescription, another message was left “She’s really a psycho!! Do not say her name too loud, never mention her meds by names..�? I love it. The woman has obviously made herself an annoying pest at the Walgreens so now she’s just suing them. Way to go lady. I’m taking Walgreens side, because you don’t get called a psycho unless you start acting annoying. FYI…for all of those who don’t know: if you act crazy, you’ll be labeled crazy.

Brain surgery in Oakland is at your own risk. The chief of neurosurgery at an Oakland hospital was wrestled to the floor after a nurse refused to let him operate. What makes him unqualified you ask? Hmmm, he was drunk. That’s right, he was preparing to do surgery on a patient with fractured vertebrae..right next to the spinal cord! If I became a paraplegic because my doctor was drunk, there’d be so much more than medical malpractice to worry about!

Douche Bag of the Week is coming from France. A father was arrested after drugging his children’s tennis rivals. I mean really, is tennis that important? LOVE! That’s about the only tennis term I know..and I could be wrong. The reward for his relentless desire for the most awesome tennis playing children ever? 8 years in prison after this drugging resulted in the death of an opponent. He spiked the water bottles of 27 opponents. Now, I’m not sure how old this man’s children were, but they were playing a 25 year old who fell asleep at the wheel on his way home after losing a match and died. This brings a whole new meaning to living vicariously through your children. Living vicariously by becoming a douche bag….

Crazies Go Crazy & Al Gore Interrupts My Life

Thanks to the weather, I’ve had nosebleeds pretty consistently the last few days. It’s getting really old, that constant taste of blood in my mouth. So, let’s talk about stuff..

So there was a shooting in East Price Hill last night. A resident of some apartment complex flagged down a police officer at 1:30 in the morning, saying he heard a gunshot in the apartments. Hmm, if I hear a gunshot in my building I would probably call 911. I most likely wouldn’t run outside like “I’ll flag down a cop, and hope this shooter doesn’t gun me down on the street while I stand there�?. Here’s my favorite part: witness say they didn’t hear anything out of the ordinary. Well, that’s because gun shots in East Price Hill aren’t out of the ordinary! I remember my sophomore year of college taking this class that had a community service component to it, and it was in East Price Hill. Totally ghetto. We had to come up with a plan to improve East Price Hill for this class as well, and I agreed with the guy who yelled “burn it down and start over.�? Because there is nothing else to do besides wait for them all the kill each other off.

One mentally ill man kills another in Butler County. Figures, I prepare to move back to Butler County and the crazies just go crazy. Then, in what I thought to be a show of bad journalistic taste, NBC local news shows pretty much the entire arraignment on the news. Um, Napoleon Dynomite’s twin can barely speak, they had to put up subtitles. The judge had to ask him 3 times if he understood that he was being charged with murder. He says yes, and then later is like “garble garble garble�? which was subtitled “I didn’t do anything.�? It was kind of sad to watch this guy cry to his mom that he wasn’t going to leave her, and then cry all over the bailiffs. I didn’t find this arraignment to be news necessary. The prosecutor actually released a statement that he doesn’t believe the man will be found mentally competent to stand trial. That’s also unnecessary, because if you saw the news you’d be like “they’ll just send him to another mental institution.�? I guess it gives the prosecutor something to do.

Oh Sweet Jesus! More fun in Butler County. 3 kids bring a gun to Hopewell junior high. Now, of the 3 junior highs in West Chester (Lakota Ridge, Hopewell & Liberty) Hopewell is the most ghetto. It’s on the older side of West Chester, and I used to call it Hopplewell because I had a friend in the band there, and on some band award they misspelled Hopewell and made it Hopplewell. Now that I think about it, Hopplewell is appropriate because as far as West Chester standards go, Hopewell is equal to Hopple street in it’s ghettoness. Anyways, back to the gun issue, these kids thought maybe they would commit some crimes after school, burglarize a house or something. Until one kid decides to tell a teacher because his conscious got the better of him. His conscious got him & his friends felony charges and some friendly time at the Butler County Juvenile Detention Center. I’m telling you, I’m moving back and Butler County is going nuts. It’s like the crap is just following me around. There’s going to be a body in the river in Hamilton before too long.

I’m glad that I am not traveling out of the airport today. Flights will be delayed for the president, so he can come rub elbows with less exclusive politicians here in Indian Hill. Now, when they mean delayed, they seriously mean delayed..and this is how I know. 5 years ago, just before the first election that Bush won, my brother got married..in Iowa. So, here’s a run down of the morning: we drove my brother & sister in law to the airport at 7 in the morning, and I vomit in the bathroom. THEN when I get to the airport to go home, my flight has been canceled. I am raging pissed. Then I have to fly to St. Louis, have a layover and fly to Cincinnati. It get’s so much better. I was flying TWA, and in Des Moines they gave me, my grandma & aunt an $18 food voucher and some TWA tickets. I yelled at the ticket guy “TWA..the one that crashes?? You are valuing my life at $6…that’s just great�?. My aunt was very embarrassed, which made it even better. So anyways..St. Louis. It was TWA…AND a prop jet. What the crap is that all about?? So while we are sitting on this plane for well over an hour, they announce “We are having serious delays because Al Gore was here and we have to wait for his plane to get X amount of miles away from the airport before anyone else can take off�? That’s dumb. I mean, he was only the Vice-President, he’s already in second place, this is all annoying.

And the winner is….

Here’s a real blog…enjoy it. Everyone calm down, Kanye West is NOT freaking out about not winning all 8 grammy’s he was nominated for, because he has justified his losing. He justified losing Album of the Year citing “vote splittingâ€??. He seems to think that he had to split votes with Mariah Carey among the “urban music fansâ€?? in the recording academy. Well Kanye, allow me to clue you in: you didn’t win because the academy just doesn’t like you. They aren’t fans of Gold digger or that song from Jarhead, and quite frankly they just want you to go to New Orleans and wait for the next Hurricane. So get down..with yo’ bad self Kanye…underwater. However, I do admire his honesty with the statement “I’m more famous now, and that means more moneyâ€??. I appreciate that he admits he doesn’t make music for his fans, but merely for the money.

A Kanye quote about his Grammy Performance: “I just want to see the black colleges right now. I just want to go onto MySpace right now and see what people are saying.” Um, the only people who watched you were like 14…so you go ahead and myspace there R. Kelly.

Then, again with this Kanye, he says “I should be in the Bible�?. Jigga what? He believes he would be a “griot�? in a modern Bible. Now, I went to Landmark and this stymied my cultural development, but thanks to femalefirst.co.uk, I know that a griot is an African storyteller. Well, Kanye..you DO tell some good stories, like “George Bush doesn’t care about black people�? and “I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digga, but she ain’t messin’ wit no broke nigga (or broke de broke…which is like “humpty hump�? which makes you a total rip off)�? however, YOU ARE NOT AFRICAN. Therefore, you do NOT qualify to be a griot, you only qualify to be a douche bag.

Excessive Kanye stupid quotes: “I bring up historical subjects in a way that makes kids want to learn about them. I’m an inspirational speaker. “ The only thing kids learn from you is how to be stupid.

“I changed the sound of music more than one time… For all those reasons, I’d be a part of the Bible. I’m definitely in the history books already.” You have NOT changed the sound of music, the hills are not alive with Von Trapp children singing Jesus Walks With Me. U2 HAS changed the sound of music, which is why you lost album of the year to them, so stick that in your crack pipe and smoke it, fag.

Hmm, someone murdered one of the creators of “Curious George�??? This Curious George genius lived in a trailer? What is THAT all about? Shouldn’t he be getting royalty checks still? I don’t get it. Who kills an old man and buries him in garbage bags on the sidewalk. This is all very strange, and if you kill someone and bury them…I think you’re supposed to actually put them underground, not under garbage. Just a thought.

I’m just gonna say it. Gwyneth Paltrow should be punched in the face, repeatedly. She’s only in the news for saying really idiotic things. She is a female Kanye West, only a total airhead. Now she’s like “I don’t want my daughter to say basil and pasta like Brits, because I hate that.�? Here’s a thought Gwennie, if you don’t want your child to speak like a Brit, don’t raise her as one. Oh yeah, but Brits are smarter than Americans. Since when does more pretentious = smarter? Let’s recap some recent Gwen headlines shall we?

- Gwyneth Paltrow convinced her life would make a sitcom

- Gwyneth Paltrow to contact spirit dad

- Gwyneth Paltrow calls in exorcist.

- Gwyneth Paltrow too ugly

- Gwyneth Paltrow “I need money�?

- Gwyneth Paltrow needs more time (for herself)

I have a headline: Gwyneth Paltrow needs a punch in the face, and a new personality.

Random Stuff

Ok, I’ll start with the scariest news first. In the world of fashion, leggings are making a comeback. I’ll refrain from the L.L. Cool J reference here and insert a horrified scream instead. Thanks to twigs like Lindsay, Mary-Kate and that Nicole Richie character leggings are apparently set to be all the rage. What I can’t figure out is why these idiots are wearing work out clothes? I mean, aren’t spandex for working out? These are people who haven’t seen a treadmill in their lives, so back off the lyrca ladies. As for the depressing upside, fat people everywhere are rejoicing that they will finally be in style again. They’ve been waiting for this moment since 1992, when I will admit to owning a pair of leggings, black with lace trim at the ankles. I wore them under my skirts to school because it was cold outside and it looked a lot cuter than sweatpants under my skirt. Shut it haters, I was 10!

Ever wonder what happened to that middle kid from Full House? If you said no, please skip this paragraph. If you chose yes, read on (that was so choose your own adventure of me). Well, she’s a meth head, it’s true.
Apparently she got bored and decided trying meth was a good idea, since she was unemployed and married to a cop. Here’s a better idea, Jodie Sweetin, hit up Monster.com and start looking for a job. How insanely bored do you have to get before you’re like “hmm, meth sounds like a good idea, I mean it works for Hamilton, Ohio.” Also, most cops don’t make piss poor salaries, so why didn’t she just fill her time spending his money more wisely than on meth? And what kind of cop doesn’t noticed his wife is a meth addict? Pretty much it seems as though Hollywood is the kiss of death to people’s lives, although it provides me with blog fodder, so again I say carry on Hollywood.

Detroits finest paid a visit to the Tri-State last week. A Detroit mother was arrested after teaching her 15 year old how to shoplift DVD’s. This was after her 13 year old son refused to help steal. I guess if at first you don’t succeed, try with the older but dumber child.

Douche Bag of the Week Award! 2 Kentucky men are arrested after they allegedly stole a light pile off the side of 275. Now, at first when I read this headline I’m thinking “WHAT?! Can you even steal a highway light pole?”, but here’s the real deal. The pole had been knocked over last week in a crash. Then a Boone Country deputy found the pole cut up in sections in the pack of their pick-up truck. For anyone wondering, these poles are worth $3K. Not only were they arrested for theft, but the one guy was also charged with improper registration, since he has not re-registered his pick-up truck since 2001. Apparently the theft on these poles is on the rise, along with stealing aluminum siding and copper wire because they can be sold to salvage yards. Salvage prices are up, therefore so is theft and stupidity (there’s an equation in there somewhere). These 2 jack-offs cut up the pole in front of a KDOT worker. Hence, douche bags of the week.

There is a close second for the douche bag award though, also in Kentucky. This idiot killed a woman on I-75 in Kentucky. She was driving south, on S-75….he was driving north on S-75. Of course she dies, and he goes to the hospital with non-life threatening injuries. Apparently alcohol was a factor, which begs the question how drunk do you have to be to go the wrong way on the highway? How long was he going the wrong way? How do you even manage this stuff? He was charged with a DUI and wanton murder, which I like because it sounds like a bad Chinese dish.

Rolling Stone interviewers are stupid. In a recent interview with Kansas Senator Sam Brownback (R), they interpreted his Bible quotation as a joke about gays. The article is entitled “God’s Senator” and he had criticized countries for allowing same sex marriages. Then he quotes the Bible saying “You’ll know them by their fruits.” This whole quotation was #1 taken WAY out of context, #2 I’m sure the editing was done in such a way to make him look like a bigot. Look, Christian or not, republican or democrat, doesn’t matter. No politician is going to make such remarks about a group of people. They have re-elections and popularity polls to worry about in all situations. The last thing you will hear a politician do is make a discriminatory statement. Unless their name is Ray Nagin and they are the mayor of New Orleans and they are in desperate need for chocolate.

Speaking of politicians, this guy sounds like he will fit right in to the political realm. Jonathon Sharkey (apparently former pro-wrestler Rocky Flash, vampire party…whatev) was running for Minnesota governor. He’s a self-proclaimed Satanist and promises to impale terrorists and criminals on the steps of the state capitol. Then the police busted him on 2 Indiana warrants, for escape and stalking. This is certainly the guy I would want as my governor, the guy who will stalk me and then kill me on the steps of the capitol because he is a little pissed off and crazy. He would probably also broadcast it over the internet for millions. Nutso.