News From All Over

A Series of Stupid

Posted by Nikki on August 30, 2008 Leave a Comment

This story brought to you by Kentucky, specifically Covington, and once you read the dumbness you’ll have no problems believing it. In Kentucky, where education pays, a man walks into a bank and hands the teller a note asking for money. Well, apparently penmanship does NOT pay in the Bluegrass state, as the teller couldn’t read the man’s scrawl. She had to ask him what the note said, so then he was on camera asking for money. No wait, the dumbness gets better. Then the man’s sister is in the parking lot in the getaway car. Now the employees have all had a good long stare at the license plate number. So, when police found her hitchhiking on I-75 after the car broke down (I’m imagining a rusty old Oldsmobile for some reason) they easily picked her up and found her brother in Covington. Oh Kentucky, keep breeding, it makes me feel better about myself.

What’s more dumb? Two guys in South Carolina managed to blow up their own car thanks to their addiction to huffing. Perhaps I should say their addiction to dumb. Let’s see: two cans of compressed air? Check. Cigarettes? Check. Lighter? Check. Which of these things should NOT belong. After a fun 10 minutes of huffing, one genius went to light a cigarette, the compressed air ignited and poof! There went the car. Both men are still alive (according to the news) and have unhappy, second degree reminders of their brilliance.

Now for some football dumbness. Baltimore Ravens coach John Harbaugh still can’t decide who his starting quarterback should be. Unless Troy Smith is dead, what is there to think about? I remain largely unimpressed by Joe Flacco, and Kyle-bot should’ve been traded three seasons ago. Currently the bot is “nursing a serious shoulder injury” according to NFL.com. By serious shoulder injury do they mean, “he sucks”. Meanwhile Troy has tonsillitis. You don’t need tonsils to throw a football! Why don’t you just bring back McNair?

Filed Under: Life in Cincinnati, News From All Over, Sports | Tagged:

The Hood Salute and Other Nuggets of Fun

Posted by Nikki on January 11, 2008 Leave a Comment

You have got to be kidding me. The Hood Salute? 4 men have been arrested for firing guns into the air at the funeral of a local kid. Did I mention that this kid was shot to death? Inappropriate perhaps? The family is very upset, and rightfully so. Who wants to bury their child and then subsequently have a handful of bozo’s “salute” him by shooting into the air. This is more than a 21 gun salute gone bad, this is just plain dumb.

Meanwhile in politics, John Kerry chooses to back Barack Obama. Trouble in political paradise? Why is John Kerry backing Obama over his old running mate John Edwards? I mean, I can name 110 reasons not to back John Edwards, but then again, I would never have chosen him as my running mate. I also don’t have a thing for sleeze-bag lawyers. However, I like that this is some type of John Kerry sticking out his proverbial tongue at Edwards. Passive-aggressive mud-slinging by people who aren’t even running, that’s cute boys.

Ahh, a breath of fresh air comes to us from Des Moines, Iowa. Not even from my nieces! Meanest Mom on the planet, Jane Hambleton placed this ad in the Des Moines Register after finding alcohol in her 19 year-old son’s car: “OLDS 1999 Intrigue. Totally uncool parents who obviously don’t love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. $3,700/offer. Call meanest mom on the planet.” Wow, this is all enough to make me wish I could get the Des Moines Register in Cincinnati. While the car has been sold, this woman is running the ad for another week because she likes all of the phone calls she gets from people congratulating her on being a responsible parent. Perhaps SHE should write that book Lynne Spears was thinking about authoring. However, I’d like to point out that continuing to run the ad after the car as been sold is technically false advertising, leave that part out of your book Jane.

Meanwhile, in more embarrassing news, some boy in Kentucky is trying desperately to become the most beat up boy in school. After being told he couldn’t join the cheerleading squad, his family filed a discrimination suit with the Kentucky Commission on Human Rights two years ago. Not being a boy cheerleader was devastating to the then 13 year old. He plans to try out again when he gets to high school. I hope enjoys the inside of a locker.

Now for news that isn’t news. 3.1 million young people are getting crazy on the grape! For those who haven’t read my previous blogs on this topic, it means kids are getting high on cough medicine. Drinking cough syrup is more popular than taking LSD. Big surprise, it’s more popular to get high on an over-the-counter, cheap, easily accessible drug than an illicit drug, which is more expensive and not nearly as easy get into your hot, stoned little hands. The federal Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration is apparently a brilliant use of tax payer money. I’m glad to be funding such geniuses. Anyone who has ever worked in a pharmacy, health & beauty department, or gone to college could’ve told you all of this 3 years ago.

Oh, and apparently some guy in Idaho saw the mark of the beast on his hand so he cut it off. Anyone ever read “I Know This Much Is True”? Seriously, copy cat. Although, he took it a step further, and cooked the severed hand in the microwave. Perhaps that Federal Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration should be spending their money to help THAT guy instead of a bunch of cracked out, cough syrup drinkers. Who can care about schizophrenics when kids are drinking Dimetap?

Filed Under: Life in Cincinnati, News From All Over, Squawk Box | Tagged:

Grillz, Babies and STD’s.

Posted by Nikki on August 22, 2006 2 Comments

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This cat’s got his grillz on! No joke. A dentist in Indiana (Indiana WOULD have this guy..) has put gold teeth on his 1 year old cat. Apparently the cat has a serious under bite and the dentists cat just can’t have that. He claims that the teeth would break off if not reinforced by the grillz. I’m not buying it. What I think happened was this dentists was like, “Wifey, can I pimp my ride?” and she was like “Jigga no” and he was like “Hoe please..” and pimped the cat instead. Just FYI, in case you were considering this for your own pets (I know you were), the cost for pet grillz is comparable to human grillz at $900 per tooth (this is for gold caps, NOT that little retainer jazz that people put over their teeth.) This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. I’ll put my dogs to sleep before I pay $900 to reinforce their teeth and make them look stupid. I believe this purchase to be completely foolish for 2 reasons: 1, it’s a cat. Cats hate people. This cat will never apprecaite its gold teeth. 2, Cats have that Fancy Feast crap that just a bunch of mush. They don’t even NEED teeth because they can just gum that stuff down. If this guy can afford gold teeth for his kitty, surely he can afford something better than a stale bag of Sam’s Choice Kitty Food. Good news though, veterinarians say that gold crowns can be put on a pet without any dental problems. Awesome! Where’s Daisy?!

Canton, Ohio is very busy…getting it’s GROOVE on! Last year 65 of 490 girls at a high school in Canton were pregnant. In response, the school has decided it’s high time to expand it’s sex education programs to address the issue. The new curriculum will continue to teach abstinence, but will add teaching kids to be responsible with their sexual choices. Wow! What a brilliant idea! Not that I’m an advocate for premarital sex, but I think it should be assumed that a lot of teenagers are going to fool around at some point. When 13% of your female student body is pregnant, it’s a safe bet that an even larger percent was getting pretty lucky. I went to a Baptist school and there were pregnant girls there too! It also sounds like this school stole textbooks straight from my high school locker. Apparently the school also feels the need to replace health books that are older than some of the students. One teacher says, “If we had math books from 1988, reading books from 1988, as a parent, I would be furious.�?? Hmm, at Landmark if we’d had books published in 1988 my parents would have been elated. No lie, seventh grade Ohio History book, copyright 1969. A girl in our class said her mom had used the exact same book when she was in junior high. And since when were kids in high school born after 1988?! I’ve finally reached that point where I was in school before these kids were even born. Let’s have a sad moment of old silence…..

Just so you know, the current Ohio state curriculum doe not require sex education, but it does require STD ed, which is generally lumped together with nutrition, drugs and alcohol education. They’re doing an awesome job considering how obese kids are these days, plus how many kids are huffing, snorting, and smoking everything in sight. I bet this class goes something like this, “Kids, eat fruits and veggies, don’t drink or smoke da’ ganja, oh..and those bumps down there, ask yer momma.�??The Canton Health Department statistics through July 2005 show that 104 of the 586 babies born between 2 hospitals were born to mothers between 11 and 19. 11! When I was 11 I barely knew what sex was, much less was I even considering having it nor was I capable of understanding it’s implications. It’s times like this when I embrace my naïve upbringing.

Filed Under: News From All Over, Nonsense | Tagged:

Please America, Don’t Feed the Cretins

Posted by Nikki on July 30, 2006 Leave a Comment

America is getting mean, one city at a time. Two weeks ago, Las Vegas made it a crime to feed homeless people in parks. Orlando followed suit last week when city council passed their own ordinance making it illegal to feed the homeless in public parks. Apparently, feeding the homeless makes them stick around, and no one wants those dirty and dangerous transients running amok. So, while the city does NOT approve of feeding the homeless out in the public, they do approve of treating them like zoo animals. I hope there are signs like, “Please Do Not Feed the Homeless, or the Squirrels”.

The group, “Food Not Bombs” (translated – Bleeding heart, democratic hippies) plans to continue feeding vegetarian meals to the homeless. All I have to say here is, they WOULD be feeding vegetarian meals, and I roll my eyes in their general direction. Beggars can’t be choosers, literally. I happen to think that a homeless person would prefer a little fried chicken to a lump of tofu and curd.

The ACLU is also getting involved, claiming this is just a superficial fix to the real problem with Orlando’s homeless. What is the real problem exactly? The fact that these people are either too lazy or too proud to get help, or the fact that some of them actually enjoy being homeless because it’s easier than facing reality. Heck, if you’re homeless people seem to go out of their way to feed you, you can go to shelters and get showers and clothes for free, and in some cases use the internet. Trust me, there’s a homeless guy who blogs. How else would a homeless guy be blogging?! And why isn’t he getting a job?!! He’s the reason I don’t feed the homeless. I’d give you the URL for his blog, but I’m not endorsing this bum.

The commissioner in Orlando who pushed for the ordinance is claiming this decision was not easy for her, and that this is all being wrongly portrayed as “anti-homeless”. How else are we supposed to interpret this? Is treating homeless like zoo animals and referring to them as dirty transients somehow pro-homeless? Overall, I don’t disagree with the ordinance, but let’s be honest here, this isn’t a gray area. Either you like the homeless or you don’t, and obviously this city council does not.

Overall, I don’t disagree with the ordinance. That’s because homeless people are known mainly for beating each other to near death over the best highway bridge to squat under, or lawn chairs, or 3 shopping carts tied together. I also do not approve of the way homeless people throw trash all over the place when they live oh so troll-like under bridges. If that’s your home, are you too good for your home? Keep it clean, seriously.

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Hero of the Week!

Posted by Nikki on July 28, 2006 Leave a Comment

Two blogs in one day?! Jigga YAY!

I have some fantastic news, a HERO of the week! That’s right, not a douche bag, but a hero. An 84 year old man in North Carolina used his cane to beat down a would-be mugger. Apparently, it all started when the worst mugger I’ve ever heard of pulled up (in his car) in front of Grandpa’s house and asked for a cigarette. I hate when people beat around the bush, just ASK for my money up front please. Well, anyways, Grandpa is like, “I don’t smoke yo!” This mugger proceeds to pull out a shot gun and start demanding money. Now, I’m not sure how close said vehicle was to the house, but either he was pretty stinking close or this was the longest shot gun ever. You see, when Captain Foolish pulls out his shotgun, Grandpa smote it down with his cane. THEN Grandpa took off running around the car, with the mugger chasing him and threatening him with the gun. How insanely slow are you when you can’t even catch up to an old man with a cane? I bet this mugger wishes he would’ve remembered his helmet that day, because Grandpa turned around and beat him over the head WWF style with his cane until the idiot finally crawled back into his car and drove away. Where am I when things like this are happening? Oh yeah, hibernating.

*This is NOT the old man, but if I had to imagine…

Filed Under: News From All Over, Nonsense | Tagged:

American Bordem At It’s Creepiest!

Posted by Nikki on July 7, 2006 Leave a Comment

Ok, I’m not really sure whether to award this kid douche bag of the week or not, but because it’s Friday and there might not be anything else lame to happen this week, let’s just give it out. Yeah, that’s me..always giving it out…you dirty fools.

Apparently some douche in Vermont got bored (no kidding, that’s his real excuse) and decided to break into a tomb, cut off some old guy’s head and try to make it into a bong. JIGGA HUH?! Now, we all know I’m all about dead people, but cutting off their heads for illegal drug purposes? That’s a game I’m just not playing. I have standards yo! Fo’ Sho!

What does robbing a tomb for a dead head (no pun intended) in Vermont get you? 2 felony counts and somewhere between 1 to 7 years in prison (BINGO! credit for 14 months served while awaiting trial. Le sigh, that’s our justice system). Not only did this weirdo steal a human head, he also stole a bow tie and the man’s glasses. I guess he figured head, neck..it’s all connected, why not just take it all?

Bragging to your friends after you steal a head, not a great idea. Isn’t this how all dumb criminals get caught? Running your mouth about a crime you just committed is an excellent way to get arrested, so take note my felon friends.

Best part: A psychiatrist has diagnosed this kid with “mental health issues”. Do we need a psychiatrist in this situation? Let’s recap a little Cain and Able situation from here in Cincinnati. Cain beats Able to death with a baseball bat, then walks into the middle of a busy street in Hyde Park to wash the blood off in huge fountain. Then, while he’s still dazed and confused he walks across the street to the fire station and says, “someone killed my brother”. Um yeah psycho, it was you..we all saw the blood. Now, did they really need not one, not two, but NINE psychiatrists to examine this kid and say, “Yep, severe mental illness”?? NO! He killed his brother and then took a bath in the town square! Was there no other way to waste tax dollars?

Moral of the story, if you steal a human head out of a tomb and plan to smoke pot out of it, you’re disturbed. I don’t need medical school to know this, it’s just common sense. You don’t grave rob because you got bored. Also, if you do it and you are my friend, don’t tell me about it. I’ll think less of you as i’m turning you in, and I won’t even try to hide it.

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Arranged Marriage via Myspace?? Jigga NO!

Posted by Nikki on June 21, 2006 Leave a Comment

From all the crap in current world news I keep reading about this story: 16 year old girl runs away from home in Michigan to attempt to marry a 20 year old man in Jordan that she met on Myspace.

JIGGA WHAT?!?!

Now, I was a 16 year old girl once. I have no problem admitting that I talked to some boyeez on the internet. However, I was NOT traveling halfway around the world to marry them. Her parents say she’s a good kid, and I’m sure she is a great kid. But let’s discuss logistics..and by logistics I mean COMMON SENSE, because she needs a good kick in the rear.

A- You are 16. You are traveling to a nation in turmoil…by yourself. You’re not exactly inconspicuous.

B- You are 16. Your parents will probably realize you are gone at some point during your 10-12 hour flight to the Middle East. They will alert the authorities and you’ll be caught FO SHO!

C – You are 16. Why are you flying around the world to hook up with someone who could be 65 and wants you to raise cattle and rapes you with a rake handle? Crazier things have happened……

D – YOU ARE 16!!!!!!

Do I really need to further elaborate? She’s obviously not the brightest crayon in the box…she’s like the one who’s tip got broke in that little plastic sharpener. It’s not just this girl, there are girls all over the place running off to get together with these random guys. These are kids who don’t even trust their own grandma but will trust some random guy who says he’s “20, 6’2, 180 pounds..brown hair, blue eyes..athletic build…” and he’s 58, 5’6, 295 pounds, bald & glasses thicker than a Bible.

The good news, FBI intercepted the girl before she reached her future husband and sent her back to Michigan. Yes, they sent her back to the land of Michael Moore and she’s STILL safer than she would have been in Jordan. The groom-to-be’s family is upset, claiming the groom is heartbroken and they had no idea she would run off without her parent’s permission. Le Sigh……..who let’s their 16 year old run off around the world?

In the end..I don’t get it. I get the whole talk on the internet part..it’s fun. It’s more fun to lie about things like “I’m from Wisconsin..I live on a dairy farm”. However, old perverts also like to lie…and that’s why kids need common sense. So basically..don’t pick your spouse on myspace. I don’t care what pictures he has posted…..

Filed Under: News From All Over, Nonsense, Squawk Box | Tagged:

Gumby and Oprah

Posted by Nikki on June 16, 2006 Leave a Comment

If your head is completely lopsided there is an excellent chance that CPD wants YOU! in jail. This lopsided robber attacked a woman in her BMW on West Seventh St. Hmm, there’s a lesson to be learned here. West Seventh = OTR, so don’t give crackheads the impression that you have money and certainly don’t live there! GEEZ LOUISE! And who’s head looks like this? This douche looks like a half-breed between human and Gumby.

So, look for this guy…..at least he doesn’t look like rectangles.

Thanks to some total moron, North 71 was closed one morning last week for a few hours. No, it did not inconvenience my life in any way, but it totally irritates me when stupid accidents happen. Some moron in an SUV crossed the median and played pinball among 3 northbound cars. Anyone familiar with the area knows that the median isn’t THAT tiny. How is it possible that you just off-road right through it and run into old people? Ok, not OLD, because the lady is younger than my parents, but REGARDLESS! Unless you have a heart attack at the wheel, what are you doing off-roading on the interstate? These are the accidents that irritate me, because they always happen during rush hour. It’s like stupids wait for the perfect time to aggravate.

Douche Bag of (last) WEEK! (and my dad would LOVE this one)…OPRAH! Look Harpo, I don’t care how much money you have or how much you hate James Frey, you can’t just crash weddings. Oprah apparently crashed a few weddings this weekend. Apparently she was “dropping off gifts” which sounds like a cheap excuse to grab a handful of pizza bagels or pigs in a blanket. In most of the pictures she looks totally annoyed by people talking to her. Hey Oprah! Don’t draw attention to yourself and then get annoyed. Oh Oprah..I am so not a fan.

McFINE! A Pennsylvania woman is being fined for tossing her McSalad out the window. She actually got a ticket, but brilliant decided she didn’t need to show up for court. She is now arguing that her McYuck was not trash, because it’s lettuce and it’s biodegradable. This isn’t holding up on court, probably because the judge is too busy laughing at her. Listen lady, it’s McSlop, that’s not real lettuce. Enjoy that $180 salad….

Filed Under: Life in Cincinnati, News From All Over, Nonsense | Tagged:

ANNNND I’m BACK! (Love it!)

Posted by Nikki on May 29, 2006 Leave a Comment

I like when fugitives from other states come to hang out in our ghettos. What a better place for a fugitive to hang out than a crime-ridden, drug infested neighborhood? A man wanted for trying to kill a police officer in Arkansas was found during a drug investigation in the West End. WHAT?! People sell marijuana on Linn Street? I would’ve never thought…..
Now, I’ve heard that schools in the south were pretty bad, at least that’s what I learned in that Written Word class at the mount (Dr. Luecke, total hippie..). Apparently they teach people to be stupid. When you are wanted for attempted capitol murder it’s not a wise decision to start buying or selling drugs in the middle of a bad area where the city mayor is putting up an AWESOME front to lower crime rates. Genius Marcus Hicks, GENIUS! And by genius I mean douche bag, and the week is still young….

Summer is beginning like normal, a man may or may not be in the river. Apparently his wife reported him missing Sunday. The man lives on a house boat and the police are searching the river now. However, no one is actually sure if he’s in the river. I find it interesting that the best hypothesis of his whereabouts currently is “the river…search the river.”

In an interesting turn of events, Scott Peterson and one of the jurors who sentenced him to death row have become friendly pen pals. How does THAT happen? Here’s what I think:
Dear Scott,
Sorry you have to die. I know it’s 1/12 my fault.
Love, Random Juror.
Apparently their friendship started after this juror had a nervous breakdown over the trial and her therapist suggested she write a letter to Scott.
“Hmm, you have nightmares? this trial ruined your life? How about writing him a letter, and telling him that he ruined your life.”
Well, now this juror describes Scott as a charming man. Well, I can think of another woman who found him charming, and he was so flattered that he chopped her pregnant body up and threw it in the bay. I smell a prison romance…and a bad true crime novel in the making.

Speaking of Californians being retarded, researchers in our favorite golden state claim to have a duck x-ray with what looks like an alien creature in the duck’s stomach. Jigga What? Should someone be caned in this situation? Apparently this bird came in with a broken wing, and when they x-rayed the duck supposedly a very clear image of “a face, or a head, or an extraterrestrial..” Let me get this straight, it’s a very clear image but you can’t tell for sure if it’s a bird, or a plane, or ET. “Um, we may have an alien here, we’re not sure…just a very clear image”. However, the world may never know, because the duck has died. I desperately want to believe an alien came tearing through it’s stomach…..and did a little dance.

Filed Under: Life in Cincinnati, News From All Over | Tagged:

Immigrants Boycott…….I use MY First Amendmant rights

Posted by Nikki on May 1, 2006 Leave a Comment

Hmm, so illegal aliens are using MY constitutional right to assemble and boycott work and shopping. Guess what spics? You’re ALL FIRED! My favorite part: Benita Olmedo pulled her two children from a San Diego school today to march, she came here in 1986 illegally and she wants her kids to know shes not a criminal. Jigga what? Can you say not a criminal and came here illegally in the same sentence and think you aren’t a journalistic joke? If she came here illegally, she was a criminal. If she is STILL here illegally, A. shes retarded for putting herself on the news & B. SEND HER BACK ALREADY!!

Businesses who rely on immigrant labor had to shut down or slow down operations. The rest of the world doesn’t notice, because Wendy’s is always slow. Even when you say pronto, suddenly they are like No habla espanol and Im like no habla englis, no habla espanol..what the funk do you habla?!

A crotchety old man in Florida (A.K.A. my hero of the day) was a counter-protester, and came up with the best idea yet. Send those aliens home and welfare recipients who are taking a free check should have to do their jobs. I love it! All I hear is how these hard working immigrants do the jobs no one else wants to do, I’m sure there are plenty of starving bums, welfare recipients and high school kids who will flip burgers and sweep floors. However, unemployment rates rise faster than the number of Mexicans living on Main St. in Hamilton.

Here’s my opinion, INS should sit at these protests and boycotts and start rounding them up. They’re so dumb, they’re making it easy on them! Mexicans took the day off from raping young girls and flipping burgers to protest being law abiding citizens. My final thought: you wanted so badly to be a part of our country, then be a part of it! Become a citizen, pay taxes, and we don’t care how many of you fit into a Dodge Caravan!

Filed Under: News From All Over, Squawk Box | Tagged: