This is exactly the kind of news story I expect to come out of Cincinnati. A College Hill man beat up a woman with terminal cancer over $10. That would be $10 for beer to be exact. Heaven forbid a person be able to walk down the street AND have cancer. The nerve of some people.
The Hood Salute and Other Nuggets of Fun
Posted by on January 11, 2008 Leave a Comment
You have got to be kidding me. The Hood Salute? 4 men have been arrested for firing guns into the air at the funeral of a local kid. Did I mention that this kid was shot to death? Inappropriate perhaps? The family is very upset, and rightfully so. Who wants to bury their child and then subsequently have a handful of bozo’s “salute” him by shooting into the air. This is more than a 21 gun salute gone bad, this is just plain dumb.
Meanwhile in politics, John Kerry chooses to back Barack Obama. Trouble in political paradise? Why is John Kerry backing Obama over his old running mate John Edwards? I mean, I can name 110 reasons not to back John Edwards, but then again, I would never have chosen him as my running mate. I also don’t have a thing for sleeze-bag lawyers. However, I like that this is some type of John Kerry sticking out his proverbial tongue at Edwards. Passive-aggressive mud-slinging by people who aren’t even running, that’s cute boys.
Ahh, a breath of fresh air comes to us from
Meanwhile, in more embarrassing news, some boy in
Now for news that isn’t news. 3.1 million young people are getting crazy on the grape! For those who haven’t read my previous blogs on this topic, it means kids are getting high on cough medicine. Drinking cough syrup is more popular than taking LSD. Big surprise, it’s more popular to get high on an over-the-counter, cheap, easily accessible drug than an illicit drug, which is more expensive and not nearly as easy get into your hot, stoned little hands. The federal Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration is apparently a brilliant use of tax payer money. I’m glad to be funding such geniuses. Anyone who has ever worked in a pharmacy, health & beauty department, or gone to college could’ve told you all of this 3 years ago.
Oh, and apparently some guy in Idaho saw the mark of the beast on his hand so he cut it off. Anyone ever read “I Know This Much Is True”? Seriously, copy cat. Although, he took it a step further, and cooked the severed hand in the microwave. Perhaps that Federal Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration should be spending their money to help THAT guy instead of a bunch of cracked out, cough syrup drinkers. Who can care about schizophrenics when kids are drinking Dimetap?
Life Imitates Art
Posted by on October 27, 2007 Leave a Comment
Which is not a good thing when life is imitating “Super Troopers�?. Headline reads, “Officers Ignored Calls, Played Video Game, Chief Says.�? I’ll give you one guess what department these fine officers work for, yeah, I said work…because they haven’t been fired yet.
This Is Getting Out Of Hand
Posted by on September 26, 2007 Leave a Comment
Sun delays, onion delays, watermelon delays and today, hot dog delays. I’m not joking, a hot dog delay. So there I am this morning, tooling down the highway, on my way to school and I come around a bend in the highway and all I see is breaklights and cars swerving every which way and I’m looking for an accident in the middle lane that I need to avoid but no, what do I see? People on the other side of a bridge driving down the grass to get to the street below, people driving down and entrance ramp to the highway because the highway has been shut down. I gave up being early for school at this point. Then I decided to follow the crowd, I got over into the shoulder, slammed the car into reverse and drove backwards about a fourth of a mile to the exit ramp and started driving through Kentucky as if I had a clue where I was going. When I left school 3 hours later, the highway was still shut down and it smelled like dead animals, so when I arrived home I checked out the local news to find that a semi truck full of rotten hot dogs had overturned. Now, while I do see the humor here I really think that all this food on the highway recently is really getting out of control. That being said, I do agree with the person who was quoted by local news as saying, “It looked like hot dogs, but the stench was enough to make you physically ill.” It was truely vomitous.
And the hits just keep on coming for Michael Vick, who tested positive for the marijuana. I suppose that’s just part of his culture too.
Hey Cincinnati! Slow Down, Keep Your Mouth Shut and Your Pants On!
Posted by on September 1, 2007 Leave a Comment
There was a plethora of stupid news this week and it all started with last Sunday’s paper. The front page of the paper read, “Don’t Speed Here: Arlington Heights Fighting ‘Speed Trap’ Label”. Arlington Heights is a community of approximately a quarter square mile and the cops do nothing but sit in the interstate and gun speeders. The police chief is complaining about the speed trap label because he says they aren’t hiding in bushes or lowering speed limits, therefore they aren’t a speed trap. The mayor felt the need to pipe in with this nugget of wisdom, “If they wouldn’t be speeding, we wouldn’t be out there writing tickets.” However, what this story fails to mention is that Arlington Heights is a “lock your car doors” type of neighborhood. It refers to Arlington Heights as a village of 418 modest, well-kept homes. Um, hello McFly, have you driven through Arlington Heights lately? Did you have your eyes open? Well-kept homes my left foot! In October 2006 I addressed the issue of neighborhoods containing the words, “Hills” or “Heights”, and what that represents, and Arlington Heights is nestled uncomfortably close to Bond Hill. Basically, this headline should’ve read, “Arlington Heights Fighting ‘Ghetto’ Label,” or perhaps they understand that this is a label well deserved. Note to Arlington Heights PD, you might lose that label if you’d get off the highway and patrol your streets, just a suggestion. And no, to those of you wondering none of my 3 speeding tickets have been by an Arlington Heights officer, because I know of their speed trap and I slow down long enough to get through Arlington Heights then I hit the gas again.
Oh, an excellent quote from Jim Baxter, president of the National Motorists Association, “If they are out there writing many, many tickets, it’s a red flag. Perhaps the speed limits are too low for that stretch of highway and just because they didn’t set the speed limits does not absolve them from responsibility for exploiting the system.” Amen! Just a question, does this apply to the highway patrol??
After a fatal stabbing in my old stomping grounds of Westwood, a 19 year old is being charged with aggrivated rioting. I didn’t even know there was such a thing, but anyways, this kid is being charged with starting the fight that resulted in the death of a 16 year old girl, and he chose to run his mouth at the judge. The judge in turn went on a justified power trip and raised his bond from $150,000 to $250,000. Apparently others in the court room applauded at this. I think a more appropriate response would to have large woman sit in the courtroom and play the role of, “Mama”, and when people act stupid, she jumps up and smacks them on the head and yells, “Shut your mouth, fool! Didn’t anyone ever teach you any manners?”
Keep your pants on Cincinnati! STD’s are on the rise as we become the third poorest city in the nation. I believe there’s a correlation somewhere. Epidemiologists from the health department are busy hanging out in bars in order to investigate places where people with STD’s hang out. This sounds like a hasty generalization, but it’s not. Many STD’s are reported to the health department, especially that pesky syphilis, which is so 17th century, and many are found among gay men and IV drug users (look, stereotypes wouldn’t persist if there wasn’t some truth there). Epidemiologists find themselves hanging out in bars and clubs, where the infected are known to prowl, trying to educate the patrons on safe sex practices. That sounds like the worst job ever, by the way. Chlamydia and gonorrhea are also on the rise, and pediatricians from Cincinnati Children’s Hospital are shaming doctors for not addressing the issue with teen girls more appropriately. Perhaps, because we are in a poor area apparently, doctors are more concerned about patients coming in at all and don’t want to scare them off by scolding them for whoring around. Come on, you know how teenage girls are, they would totally take it that way.
Onward, to the poor city, Cincinnati fell from No. 8 to No. 3, behind only Detroit, MI and Buffalo, NY. WHAT?! We are worse than Cleveland? That’s the worst news ever. Mayor Mark Mallory believes there to be a problem with the methodology of this study, but since when is he the foremost expert on construct validity? Cleveland mayor, Frank Jackson, is also in denial, “It really doesn’t mean anything. We went from 1 to 12 to 1. Now we’re 4. That doesn’t really reflect our overall condition.” The tragedy here is not that Cincinnati is full of poverty, the tragedy is that this city has somehow managed to be worse off than both Cleveland and the entire state of Mississippi, how did that happen? I guess the south really will rise again at this rate.
So kids, the lesson of the day is watch out for syphilis and Arlington Heights PD, they’ll get ya!
Forget Stray Pea, I’m One Hardened Criminal
Posted by on August 25, 2007 Leave a Comment
All of my rage has finally caught up to me and the other day I was caught breaking the law. It’s true, I’m a lean, mean, law-breaking machine. I scoffed in the face of the law, and it scoffed back, with a $104 fine and a “Have a nice day, ma’am,”. Yeah Chips, you have a nice day too.
Let me start at the beginning…so I left for school on Thursday and I ran into traffic. Now, it was 9:15, there was no reason for there to be morning rush hour traffic, all you people should have already been at work, get off my road! So I made a little detour from Satan’s Lair (a.k.a. I-75) and maneuvered my way to I-71. So here’s the scenario, I had left the house early, so I had no reason to speed until I got to Ridge Rd., where traffic enters the highway on the left. There was a semi-truck entering the highway and he was trying to get out of the fast lane, so he had his turn signal on to let me know he was coming on over. I, however, was in his blind spot, and in order to save my life, I hit the gas. Then I came around the bend and there was Eric Estrada’s twin with a laser. He actually stepped out into the fast lane and pointed at me and then pointed at the shoulder on the fast lane side. I may have actually said to myself, “Chief, I’m driving a mustang, not a 747, I see you,”. I briefly considered pulling over on the slow lane side because I wanted to see him maneuver 4 lanes of traffic on his motorcycle, then I reconsidered and thought perhaps he would give me a warning. HA! I don’t get warnings, ever.
So he walks up to my car and says, “Morning ma’am,” and all I wanted to say was, “‘Sup CHiPs!” even though I’m not in California, I’m still an idiot. He proceeded to tell me, “I clocked you going 70 in a 55. Did you not realize you were going that fast?”, to which I replied, “Well, let me explain..”. I proceeded to tell my story to which he said, “Well, the bad news is I only see you for a little second and I’m still going to have to issue you a citation.” I may have said, “Yeah, I didn’t think you cared why I was speeding.” He then said he was going back to write my ticket and that he would be quick and I said, “Good, I have class at 10″ and pointed at my watch for emphasis. That’s right folks, I am in full idiot mode at all times, I can’t turn that off. Just in case you don’t believe that, when he walked back up to have me sign my ticket I was munching on Cheerios (I take a sandwich bag of Cheerios for breakfast) and dancing to a sweet tune in my car. The trooper actually laughed and said, “Ma’am, I went as quickly as I could, just sign here and you’ll be on your way.” Oh, in case you were wondering, no, I didn’t really speed on the rest of the drive to school and yes I still made it on time.
The rule of the day is: do NOT get caught speeding by the highway patrol! Seriously, $104 for anything less than 25 m.p.h. over the speed limit. My other two speeding tickets (both obtained when I was a young and rebellious) were $50 court fee and $1 fine for each m.p.h. over the speed limit. Again, avoid the highway patrol at all costs, because they don’t have anything else to do but write you a ticket.
Pop Machines, Hopped-Up Streaking and Spare Change Hate Crimes
Posted by on August 10, 2007 Leave a Comment
Two women have been making a living by breaking into pop machines around the Tri-State, from Middletown, OH to Ft. Mitchell, KY. They are breaking into the machines and stealing the dollar bills. I don’t know what all goes in to breaking into a soda machine (because I’m not a criminal), but it really seems like more effort than it’s worth. Why not make a living driving around looking for loose change that people have dropped?
Headline of the Week: Man Sues Police in Alleged Nude Beating on I-75. Apparently this D-bag took some ecstasy and decided to walk on I-75 to Covington. This brings a whole new meaning to the bumper sticker, “Hey Covington! Put Your Shirt On!”, but anyways, this man alleges that 6 officers beat him like Rodney King with batons, sprayed him with pepper spray and shocked him with a Taser. Of course, on the busiest stretch of interstate in Kentucky there were no witnesses to this alleged crime and the victim suffers anxiety and constant headaches and is now on a heart monitor. It’s due to the beating and Taser, it has nothing to do with the drugs of course.
Apparently everyone is tired of the homeless in this city. A homeless man was shot and killed the other day over a quarter. A quarter?! This guy would’ve been better off to start stealing from pop machines. This homeless man was shot by a 62 year old women because she was “angered�? by him. How angered are you by a quarter scrounger that you actually shoot him in a gas station parking lot. A better defense would’ve been a strange man approached an older women in a parking lot on the corner of Eight and Linn streets (which is a no-go place even in the day time!) and so she shot him out of fear. However, I like the quarter defense, it should take her far. I love the spare change hate crimes.
CPS, No Po-Po, and an Abundance of Shopping Carts
Posted by on August 2, 2007 2 Comments
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This Town Continues To Be Ridiculous
Posted by on July 5, 2007 Leave a Comment
So, remember when I said this town was ridiculous for the onion delay? Today, we have ourselves a new, equally bizarre, produce delay. A watermelon truck overturned on an entrance ramp from I-75 to I-74 and that’s just dumb. It’s a sharp turn, you can see that its a sharp turn, there’s no reason to roll your truck, just slow down! I can’t even begin to express how ridiculous I think produce these produce delays are, onions, watermelons…I sincerely hope that our next produce delay is something delicious like pineapple. No, better than fruit, I hope our next delay involves farm animals, I really liked that time we had the cow delay (true story).
UPDATE: I was sent an actual news article concerning the watermelons, and behold, a quote from CPD, “We have watermelons all over the road,”. I can’t get enough of the train wreck that is this town. The coroner has apparently been called to the scene, so I might be a little more understanding if the driver wrecked because he was dying. If he died because he wrecked, well then my simply will be waning.
UPDATE (pt. 2): The same person who sent me the news article alerted me to the fact that it takes 6 CPD cruisers to sit on an entrance ramp and guard squashed watermelons. Do you want to take a guess at how many cruisers will show up if your house gets robbed? One. Just one. Watch out for watermelons, they’re feisty. Meanwhile, back at the ghetto ranch, every felon in Cincinnati is running wild, stealing $1 bills, bowling balls and Jeep Cherokees.
Why I Moved: Pt. 3 – Cars in the Lawn
Posted by on July 4, 2007 Leave a Comment
So I was reading the local news websites, looking for blog fodder and boy did I come across a gem! A car crashed into a house near the intersection of Montana & Anaconda, and I thought, “Hmm, I used to live near that intersection.” So I did a little more digging on other news websites
As you can see, there is clearly a car parked into a house. No, that is NOT my old house, that’s my neighbor. That black strip, that’s my old driveway. According to the video I watched, this super (drunk) douche plowed through the fence of my previous home and crashed into my neighbors house. The driver then fled the scene. I think that brings new meaning to 40 oz. to freedom. $50 says CPD can’t manage to find him either. So glad I moved.