What’s more dumb? Two guys in South Carolina managed to blow up their own car thanks to their addiction to huffing. Perhaps I should say their addiction to dumb. Let’s see: two cans of compressed air? Check. Cigarettes? Check. Lighter? Check. Which of these things should NOT belong. After a fun 10 minutes of huffing, one genius went to light a cigarette, the compressed air ignited and poof! There went the car. Both men are still alive (according to the news) and have unhappy, second degree reminders of their brilliance.

Now for some football dumbness. Baltimore Ravens coach John Harbaugh still can’t decide who his starting quarterback should be. Unless Troy Smith is dead, what is there to think about? I remain largely unimpressed by Joe Flacco, and Kyle-bot should’ve been traded three seasons ago. Currently the bot is “nursing a serious shoulder injury” according to NFL.com. By serious shoulder injury do they mean, “he sucks”. Meanwhile Troy has tonsillitis. You don’t need tonsils to throw a football! Why don’t you just bring back McNair?

In other lameness, you’ve seen the Bengals pre-season, right? Ugh. Thankfully the Olympics spared me from that tragedy. I mean, when one chooses to watch synchronized swimming and men’s platform diving it says a lot about the state of affairs with one’s football teams. I mean they brought back Chris Henry for pity’s sake! This can only mean one thing, Go Dolphins!

This is about 27 kinds of ridiculous. First, no one from West Chester goes without shoes. They barely go without a Lexus! Even the high school kids tend to have better cars than what I’ve got. Second, Anderson Township is like 30 miles away!! Apparently the man claims to have walked to Anderson Township from a store in Covington, which is only like 27 miles away from West Chester, but still about 25 miles from Anderson. There are no transients in West Chester, the man simply won’t allow it. Finally, he crawled into a dumpster that was behind a convenience store to hide from the rain. Why not just go IN the store? That whole, “No shoes, no shirt, no service”, thing is probably not going to be enforced by the 18 year old kid behind the counter. That kid doesn’t stop theft either. Oh, and when I say “that kid”, I am simply referring to what I would have done if I worked a convenience store counter.

Thankfully our shoeless transient was not injured in the making of this foolish reality. He was apparently checked out and released at a nearby hospital. Released to where? Who knows. However, I hope the next time he’s “hiding from the rain” (aka dumpster diving), I hope he’s wearing shoes at least. Who knows what kinds of garbage is in there…..

In WHY NOT MEEEEE! news, one of the four Butler County inmates who tried to escape from jail last month tried to escape again today. Ok, so the first guy flicks off news cameras, the second guy spits and curses at the judge while his Hamil-tucky family goes crazy in the courtroom, then this guy takes off running through the courthouse and gets tased. He took off down the stairs which leads to the security post which is manned at all times by about 5 sheriff’s deputies, all standing around talking. This escape was not well planned, the closing arguments must have really gotten to him.  As a career juror, I have to tell you, this would have made my day. However, as a human being, I probably would have wet myself if the guy on trial got up and started running. Especially since the exits of the courtrooms require them to run passed the jury. This jury went on to convict this idiot (shocking, I know), and I’m sure this stunt…and the last stunt ..and the 8 counts he was convicted of will really make the judge sympathetic.

Oh, just by the way, Mt. Adams wants YOU! to help solve their parking dilemma. My solution is to avoid Mt. Adams. Perhaps these people should decrease their level of pretension and spend their $500,000 on a house that has a garage, or at least a driveway. By the way, $500,000 is the low end of the no parking housing in Mt. Adams. Again, the real solution is just to avoid Mt. Adams.

And finally, ridiculous news unrelated to Cincinnati. Pacman Jones no longer wants to be known as “Pacman”. Apparently there’s some “bad stuff” associated with his nickname. He won’t sign autographs as “Pacman” and would prefer to be called Adam or “Mr. Jones”. Seriously? This guy is 24, I won’t be referring to him as Mr. anything…well, maybe Mr. Pacman. Look NFL Diddy, you can change your name a hundred times and you’ll STILL be the same person, and we’ll STILL make fun of you.

This headline seemed so stupid I had to read the accompanying article. A woman being charged with running a national prostitution ring had her husband post her bail in $1, $5, $10, $20, $50, and $100 dollar bills. This is almost as bad as posting your bail in change. Yong Williams of Cheviot was arrested in Covington (naturally) on charges of driving prostitutes across state lines and laundering her pimp earnings. You know, because just laundering money isn’t bad enough. Her husband listed sources of money as family and friends, I suppose all of those clients who support you could be considered friends? However, the icing on the cake to this story comes from John Doe No. 20, an out of state minister. He complains that the female who performed a paid for sex act on him talked on her cell phone the entire time. He says, “I don’t expect them to be interested, but they could pretend.” Better yet John Doe No. 20, you could be a minister who doesn’t pay for sex. I hope he at least took off the W.W.J.D. bracelet for this, because I’m pretty sure Jesus wouldn’t pay for sex.

“Dispute Over Planned Parenthood In Westwood”

Ok, this new Planned Parenthood is scheduled to open about 2 miles from another Planned Parenthood. Parents aren’t protesting the OLD Planned Parenthood, just the new one because it will be a negative influence on the kids in the neighborhood. Apparently just being in Westwood isn’t a bad enough influence on the kids? As a former resident of this upstanding community *insert laugh here* I get to say these things.

“Expect These NFL Teams To Miss The Playoffs Again”

The boys at Yahoo! Sports have come up with a mind-blowing list of teams that they think will miss the playoffs this coming season. This list includes: New York Jets, Cleveland Brown, Kansas City Chiefs, Detroit Lions, Arizona Cardinals. Who compiled this list, a 5 year old?! Was someone at the water cooler like, “Hey guys, I’ve got an idea…let’s predict that the 5 worst teams in the NFL won’t make the playoffs”. DUMB. Picking no brainer teams isn’t very edgy, this list is as ridiculous as picking the Falcons vs. Ravens for next years Super Bowl match up. Lame, Yahoo!, lame.

The better headline yesterday was “Man shot in rear end in West End”. Seriously. It was actually funnier than “Chris Henry loses job while in jail.” The even BETTER story was that earlier this week several of the Bengals players were kicked out of “Bang” nightclub (there’s a nightclub called Bang? why?). Apparently a security officer at the club called for backup saying “We’ve got some Bengals in here, Chris Henry, Chad Johnson and them”. Let it be known, Chad was NOT in da club. Which is really funny, considering if he was there, you would know. This security officer is probably the sharpest guy at Bang. Apparently players were lifting up women’s skirts and hanging from a chandelier in the back room (subsequently ruining the ceiling). I’m glad the Bengals are taking notes on classy behavior from the Vikings…..