Job

Gettin’ DIRRTY! Not Really, I Mean, Not Even At All…

Posted by Nikki on December 7, 2006 Leave a Comment

So, I don’t normally air out my dirty laundry (or clean laundry for that matter) online, however I’m making this one time exception for humor’s sake. I’m having a cholecystectomy next week. Don’t ask, google it. Anyways, so today I had to call and pre-register myself. I love the questions that they ask: “Do you drink? Smoke” Do any illegal drugs such as marijuana or cocaine?” Really, just ONCE I want to answer, “I don’t smoke the ganja, but I boot black tar heroin and I use dirty needles, is this going to be a problem?” Maybe next time…

Then I got to answer the fun questions like “Do you have liver disease such as hepatitis? Any sexually transmitted viruses such as HIV or Herpes? Are you pregnant?” Yes, all of the above…except herpes, what kind of girl do you think I am? They did NOT ask if I’m carrying tuberculosis. I plan on coughing all over everything and then announcing the possibility of TB….stay tuned. Actually, don’t stay tuned, because Aaron will ruin all of that intended fun, fo’ sho!

Hmm, this Fly Pen thing, where was it when I was busy not doing my algebra homework? Mrs. Chamberlin and I would’ve gotten along a lot better if I’d had one of those things in high school. I also wouldn’t have had to pretend to care about Amanda’s “boy problems” in order to steal her algebra 2 and calculus homework. DARN YOU CRAZY FLY PEN! You’re 10 years too late.

So, I worked Big & Tall the other night. It’s quite hilarious actually, short and skinny working in big and tall. So this guy comes up with a pair of pants, size 50×29. I’m not lying, they actually make that size..and larger. I was not NEARLY as astounded by his girth as I was by the overpowering smell of Big Mac that followed him. Is it any wonder why his 7 year old certainly out-weighed me by at least 15 pounds? Not that 15 on top of a buck-o-nothing is a big deal, but should a first grader be larger than a 25 year old? I don’t think so. I mean, when McDonald’s actually oozes out of your pores, you’ve spent WAAAY too much money on that Super Size deal. I’m also 94.6% positive that this man was sweating mayonnaise.

Filed Under: Health, Job, Nonsense | Tagged:

Employee of the Month

Posted by Nikki on June 29, 2006 Leave a Comment

So, there is this new guy at work..or there was this new guy at work, at least, he won’t be there for long. I’ll spare you his name, but we’ll call him No-Condom Willy for the sake of argument. You’ll understand in a minute. Well, it’s Willy’s THIRD week. He already has 3 absences (you’re only allowed 3) and 7 tardies (you’re allowed 8). Is this even possible?

I’ll elaborate on how ridiculous this is. Your first week is all training. You’re not even in the system until that first Saturday. Which means, in the 10 days he’s been scheduled he’s managed to achieve 3 absences and 7 tardies. You do the math.

So, Willy has a kid. One day she was 2, another day she was about 1 ½, today she might be an infant, who knows. However, two days ago he calls into work at about 2 p.m. ( he was supposed to be in at noon). He says to my boss, “Do I still have a job?” and she said, “You have 3 absences already,” and he said, “Can I come in tonight?” and she said, “You can, but it will be a tardy and you already have 6.”

Needless to say, Willy didn’t show up last night. Today in our morning meeting (which he missed..) my boss says, “Willy is no longer with us, he no-showed his way out.” There was some laughter. Then, at about 12:15 Willy comes up the escalator and says to me, “Are a lot of people working today?” and I said, “No more than usual”, and he says, “I was supposed to be here at 9:40, I’m a little late..but I aint trynna trip you.” What?! I don’t speak foolish. I suggested he go talk to our boss, but 2 other people had to reinforce this idea before he would go.

His excuse for not calling, coming in, or being on time (ever) was awesome! I might use it someday, but probably not, because it won’t work for me. Are you ready for this dribble? “My baby mamma went into labor twice..in 2 days.” First, that only explains 2 of your 10 stupids. Second, stop having sex with everyone! This guy needs to wear a watch and a chastity belt. Just for humor – Humor came in at 12:15, took a full hour lunch from 2-3 and left right on time at 6. That’s an employee of the month right there.

P.S. The Mumble Fish was back in today. I was too busy laughing at him and he asks these two other people who were standing together, “garble trash compactor at my cat’s shoe.” Dan pointed one way, Janet pointed the other, and they started to explain directions and Janet stops and says “did you ask for jeans?” See, it’s not just me who can’t understand him.

He didn’t return his other jeans, he bought a second pair. Then Denim Neal says, “come back and see me if you need to return those.” Mumble Fish yells, “I’ve got, I’ve got too much on my mind sir! I don’t have time to think about you!” all while flailing his arms around his head. Ahh, retail, a breath of fresh air in the world of special ed.

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The Mumble Fish

Posted by Nikki on June 26, 2006 Leave a Comment

If you work around people long enough you will learn there are just some people who have totally missed the boat when it comes to saying anything intelligible. Let’s take Ozzy Osbourne for example, he’s British and I’m positive that he’s not speaking English. I don’t know what it is that he’s speaking, but it’s not English. But even Ozzy can articulate finer speech than the trout mouth I had the displeasure of dealing with today.

First, I’m standing around running my yap, because it’s retail and that’s what we do. This guy walks up with a bag in his hand and says something like, “hrmahlf garble eat teeth alksfoi jeans here?”, and I said “do you want to return something?” He responded with “jasjdilo” and shakes his head yes. God bless the head shaking…

So I proceed to return these jeans and there is this odor of old chili, cigarette smoke and something else I can’t quite explain, but it made my stomach turn. That takes a lot considering I’ve had my head entirely too close to the nether regions of a cadaver. I look at the guy and he’s got food stuck to his face and something yellow smeared around. It looked as if he got punched in the face by a field of angry dandelions. Then, while I was circling the item being returned on his receipt I asked to see his drivers license. This crazy shoves his license into my face and I almost lost my left eye and my temper. I happened to look at his signature on the license and he apparently writes as well as he speaks because it looked like an EKG machine wrote his signature for him.

Well, big surprise here..he’d missed the 30 day return mark by over a month, so I was forced to give him a gift card. If there’s any way to piss off a mumble fish it’s telling them they can’t have cash back. He spewed out something that had the word cash in it and I said “No, you can have a gift card or take your jeans back, those are your options.” He takes the gift card and storms off cursing me in a fashion that made my co-worker nearly collapse trying to hold in his laughter. All I could say was “what did he just say?? stupid mumble fish, what WAS that?!”

Story gets better, the guy went down to the denim department to use his gift card and spent another hour and a half trying on approximaltey 50 pairs of jeans. He then yelled at the sales guy because stylish jeans have holes in them and he doesn’t like dark jeans. He finally picks a suitable pair and “Denim Neal” says, “Now, when you return these, because I know you will, please do it within 30 days.”

3 hours later Denim Neal says to me, “I kept smelling this awful smell and it was those jeans! I can’t rid of that guy!”

This mumble fish will make my novel, along with the special ed king who used to ask me for extra small condoms at Meijer, and the cross dressing old man. Oh, and that dyke who wore flannel and Old Spice.

Filed Under: Job, Nonsense | Tagged:

A Fat Kid, A Shoe, and ME!

Posted by Nikki on June 24, 2006 Leave a Comment

I am dedicating this post to Kristen, because she might be the only person to understand it.

This is the saddest Meijer story of all time. I’m not kidding, it’s the saddest thing I’ve ever written. There were some joyous years at Meijer, and by joyous I mean there were lots of things to laugh about. There was that guy with the combed forward hair, the guy asking for extra small condoms, Bill was in a box, Pam was feuding over union rules that didn’t exist, Kristen was letting me be her hero..it was FABULOUS! Then one day, Kristen was gone and I came to realize two things: Enrique was NOT playing anymore AND everyone had quit.

Hot Boy..GONE! (How did I miss THAT?!), Moqgli was gone (back to the jungle to sing Linkin Park and smoke crack with Baloo I can only assume), Fat & Crazy Mark was gone (locking Sarah Frank in his bedroom I guess..gross..gross all around), drunken Crampy was gone, who’d have thought he’d get smart before I did? Even that bowlegged whore Anna was gone, not that anyone missed her. She was probably gone for years before I realized it.

Sadly, I realized there were only 3 people left:
Andrew – political science dunce (your major is based on nothing, at least maintain the C), bain (or BOEHN!) of my existence, and harasser of my mom (get off my mom already!! she doesn’t like you).

Clete – Elder fanatic (you’re 29!! Get off your high school!), bathroom crapper (no kidding, he got yelled at for misusing company time for crapping & reading the paper at the same time), and grocery king (and that’s just a crown no one should wear).

And Me- Coolest White girl on the block, Hole Counter, just there to yell at children (Dear Parents, have you checked the children? Because I have and they’re climbing on my ladder..)

That’s right kids..in the end all that was left was: a fat kid, a shoe, and me…it was the saddest life I ever lived.

P.S. There’s no longer a chip in my drink, just one on my shoulder.

Filed Under: Job | Tagged:

Bad Jobs = Book Fodder

Posted by Nikki on June 15, 2006 Leave a Comment

So Dillards no only pays me money, but sometimes they also pay me in blog fodder. Aren’t you so excited? So for those of you who haven’t had the anal-raping pleasure of working in retail, allow me to explain a major principle of loss prevention. When a male LP apprehends a female shoplifter they cannot take her into the security office without another female present. You know, just in case said female gets angry and says, “waaa! I stole and then he raped me!!”.

So, there I was, ringing out a sale when a security guy yells to me that they need me to come back to the security room. No big deal, it usually means I have to sit there as a witness until a female manager can be found. Well, my lucky day! There were no female managers. I got to sit in this room for over 2 hours watching ignorance unfold and be reminded why I moved out of the ghetto in the first place. BECAUSE IGNORANT PEOPLE STEAL!!

These girls stole some really crappy clothes. That’s the only way to describe them, CRAPPY. So the one girl is yelling and acting like she needs to be backhanded and the other girl is just following her lead. When asked if they had I.D.’s they were like, “Do we look like we got ID’s?”, as if we should just be able to tell how old they were by what they were stealing. Yes Shanaynay..my crystal ball says you’re too young to have ID or common sense. Some of my favorite points of this conversation were:
Security Guy #1: Do you have ID?
GhettoFab!Girls: Do we look like we have ID?
Security Guy #1: Yeah, it’s just a question. Any state ID? School ID? Social Security Card?
GhettoFab!Girl#1: I got suspended from school.
GhettoFab!Girl #2: Yeah, I got suspended too.
Me: rolling my eyes in the corner
Security Guy#2: Yeah, they don’t take your ID when you get suspended.
GhettoFab!Girl #1: Well, school be out, so why you think I carry it?
Security Guy #1: Social security card?
GhettoFab!Girl #1: That aint even legal to have. You cain’t have dat ‘less your mom die or somfun. That’s how my cousin got theys.

Yes. It was that painful. This was the exact moment that I began to look for something to use to stab myself. This was less than 5 minutes into the ordeal.

Not only were these girls being arrested for shoplifting, they apparently couldn’t wait to tell their friends how cool they were. How do I know this? They kept text messaging everyone they had ever met the entire time they were in there. Now, if I was 13 or 15 and i was getting arrested I’d be busy making my last dinner request and writing my will. One of those security guys would’ve been out in the hallway yelling dead man walking, because my dad would kill me on the spot. They’d have to keep the police close by in order to save my life. Papa don’t take no mess!

So, this goes on and the girls finally start to calm down enough to at least pretend to cooperate. They proceed to give the security guys their information, all the while berating the guys for not knowing how to spell names like Jacquita or Tanaya. One also threw a Wal-Greens orange soda at the trash can. It almost hit me in the head. There would’ve been more blog fodder when I was released on bail if I had gotten knocked in the head with a fake Fanta bottle. Then the Springdale police showed up, and this officer didn’t take any mess either! The older of the 2 girls got TWICE as irritating as she had previously been and just because she was annoying the cop decided to take her away. I’m not kidding. The cop yelled at the one girl for texting, then told the other girl to shut up. Then immediately goes “You know, forget it..just get up. I’m taking you to jail.” I had a hard time not laughing too loud.

Then the fun begins: After irritation leaves with the overly friendly police officer, the other girl starts saying that her cousin isn’t actually old enough to come pick her up. Then her mom actually called her and the security guard told the mom what was going on..I knew things would get interesting. The girl comes clean about giving false information, she also states that her family is getting ready to move from Bond Hill to Westwood (yep! sounds about right….). Her mom storms in and is in a total rage. Again…hard time containing my laughter. I’ll leave you with other fun quotes.

“You ain’t got to go to court. If you skip, they can’t catch you” – Dear Latosha, with that kind of logic you’ll do something else stupid and you’ll get caught FO SHO!..PLUS this warrant will show up, and you’ll enjoy juvie.

“We black, we always looking for a deal” – FIVE FINGER DISCOUNT ISN’T A DEAL! Some people are unbelievable.

“So why di dyou choose to steal from dillards? Why not macy’s?”
“Dillards was the first store we came in, plus dillards is easy to steal from, at least the one in northgate is. that’s where my friends be gettin’ me stuff from” – #1 this isn’t northgate, #2 if stealing is so easy, why did you get caught. Oh yeah..because you’re stupid.

After the Dillard’s in Northgate comment the security guy laughs and says, “Hey! I had a guy say that to me last week. Hey barry..remember that guy I caught we was on house arrest..he said the same thing!” – If you’re on house arrest, shouldn’t your ankle bracelet alert someone that you are roaming malls and stealing? Why aren’t the police tracking you via bracelet? My guess..CPD’s finest….always alert & on the case

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Old People and Near Death Experiences

Posted by Nikki on May 28, 2006 Leave a Comment

So, remember when I made fun of hill hopping teenagers? Well, it’s my moment of truth, the REAL reason I was never one of those kids. The reason is, when my brother was 16 and I was 12, he nearly killed us being one of those kids..it was a Dukes of Hazzard moment. You se,e there’s this hill on my parent’s street. It’s not really a hill though, because it’s more like a ramp. Also, my parents live on a busy street and the speed limit is 40, so the average speed is about 50-55 (it makes backing out of the driveway great fun!). So anyways, my brother and I were going somewhere in the 1979 Ford Fairmount he shared with my dad (until my brother killed it) and Scott is like “I can make the Fairmount fly Nik, it’s fun,” and I’m like “Let’s not die today..we almost did that yesterday.” He goes on about how it’s only fun if you hit the hill at about 60. Well, he was going 60, we ramped the hill and then we almost died. We went airborne and then landed on the wrong side of the road, and my brother decided that maybe this wasn’t such a great idea after all. He stopped ramping the hill for like a week or something. So, the Fairmount came up in conversation last week when my brother was in town and my dad says, “It’s amazing now that the car is long dead and you have moved out all the stories of how you killed that car are coming out. I just found out last week that you used to ramp hills in it with your sister.” Of course, Scott and I are dying laughing. Scott’s response, “What? It was about the same size as a Dodge Charger, about the same age..and it was orange..why not play Dukes of Hazzard? Ok, so it wasn’t orange..more like creamsicle.”

Below is a picture of a Ford Fairmount just like the one in which I nearly lost my life (and the contents of my bladder).

Then, yesterday at work (Dillard’s, hole of America..worse than Meijer), I was working in the Big & Tall section, which is where the men’s bathroom is located. This old man (and I am talking old, like 90) goes into the bathroom and was in there for over 30 minutes. I was convinced that he had died. His granddaughter went in 3 times to check on him. So he finally comes out of the bathroom, which is in a little hallway. Well, also located in said hallway is the fire exit. You see where this is going right? Confused, elderly man comes out of the bathroom and opens the fire door, setting off the fire alarm. I turn around and see him walk away from the door..and he walks back to the bathroom. I had to go in and get him and he’s like “I don’t know how to get out of here,” NO KIDDING GRANDPA!! So I show him the way out and an old lady who works with me (she’s not 90, just 60) comes over looking for the key to turn off the alarm, and she’s ranting the whole time (she’s the crankiest old lady you’ve ever seen). She is like “He had to open that damn door! Leave it to old people to ruin everything. When I get that old I hope someone just shoots me like a horse!”, and I’m like “when you get there?? you’re already….nevermind.”

Thats all my stories for now.enjoy the image.

Filed Under: Childhood, Job | Tagged:

Lawn Mowers, Credit Cards and Crotchety Old Men

Posted by Nikki on May 3, 2006 Leave a Comment

So Aaron needed a lawn mower, so we made a trip to the Sears Appliance store near our house. My hero of the day showed himself in a light beam of grumpiness, and this is how it went down:

Young Kid: “So, this lady bought a refrigerator and had it delivered. When it was delivered she discovered it was too big for the space. We found another refrigerator that will fit, she wants to know if she will have to pay another delivery fee if she buys it.�??
Crotchety Old Man: “Is she having it delivered?�??
Young Kid: “yeah�??
Crotchety Old Man: “Then she’ll have to pay the delivery fee, are we taking the old one back?�??
Young Kid: “yeah�??
Crotchety Old Man: “She’ll also have to pay a restocking fee�??
Stupid Old Lady: “You mean I have to pay you to deliver it and take the other one back?�??
Crotchety Old Man: “yes, you will be charged a restocking fee if we take it back�??
Stupid Old Lady: “I already paid $60 to have the first one delivered, now you’re telling me I have to pay ANOTHER $60 to have this one delivered and a restocking fee?�??
(here’s where it gets AWESOME!)
Crotchety Old Man: “Well Ma’am, we didn’t make the refrigerator too big�??
Stupid Old Lady: (in a nasty tone) “Well I know that�??

Dear Old Lady, You could’ve saved over $120 if you had just bought a tape measurer to begin with, but you didn’t. Moral of the story: Being stupid is expensive. Don’t be stupid and you won’t have to pay money. Be lucky they are charging a stupid fee as well.

Aaron and I loved this, and he can thank ME for making him go to Linen’s N Things and Meijer first, otherwise we would’ve missed all the grumpy fun.

I love old, grumpy men.

Then yesterday at Dillards there was more grumpiness. An old man was attempting to use his Dillards credit card. However, he had cut the card up and sent it back to the credit card company because they failed to put all of his last name on the card and he wanted a card with his real name on it (imagine that). So, a call to the credit center was needed. I wasn’t actually helping this man, I was folding pants nearby. So anyways, this guy ends up on the phone YELLING “Look! I sent the card back and I wanted my name changed. I don’t see why this is so difficult for you to understand. You’ve made me angry now and I have a hearing problem, I don’t appreciate all that conversation in the background. I didn’t know I had to talk to India!�?? Now, that might not be verbatim, but it’s pretty close. I had a hard time hearing, since I ended up sitting on the floor laughing like a hyena.

Stay Tuned for “Why I Moved: Pt. 2 – Shootout on 75″

Filed Under: Job, Life in Cincinnati, Nonsense | Tagged: