That’s a quote from my dad…I find it delightful.

So I’ve been quite absent from blogging lately due to the arrival of my daughter, Elise, on July 10. A surprise induction really fit in well with my birth plan of “wingin’ it”. She is totally worth going an entire day without eating and being awake for almost 26 hours (no, I was NOT in labor that long, I just didn’t get any sleep the night before).

With the fast approaching football season, I have plenty to blog about today. First, let’s talk about Fav-Ray. Couldn’t he just go out on top of his career and be happy? Seriously, he’s just a pest at this point! Do you think Aaron Rogers is ready to Tonya Harding the old unicorn yet? Personally, I think the Packers should let him go…right to the Bears. Only because it would be fantastic to watch Brett take over for Rex and Kyle, who are the most arrogant quarterbacks in the NFL….and they are both terrible. Speaking of terrible quarterbacks, is J.P. Losman still crying?

Reason # 518 why the Ravens won’t be going to the Super Bowl: They are letting Kyle-bot start in their pre-season opener. This means that they are still giving him a chance to be a quarterback. Kyle’s “experience” earns him this honor. Experience?? Apparently John Harbaugh has never seen Kyle play. He’ll be joining my friend Brian in the unemployment lines before too long…

Eric Mangini hasn’t decided who will be the Jets 2008 starting quarterback. Dear Eric, have you spoken with Favre? I hear he’s probably going to be looking for a new team. He’s really your best option if you plan on winning games this season. Honestly…unsure who will start? Did he forget last season? Why weren’t they spending the off season QB shopping? Reason # 789 the Jets won’t be making a play off birth….

This is the story of a girl who is unemployed and growing increasingly more lazy by the minute. She spent some time today browsing some blogs about desserts. After seeing recipe after recipe for things like “tiramisushi” and “chai tea cupcakes” I’ve learned something important about myself. I’m just an ice cream kind of girl. No really, explain to me why I would want to eat sushi of any kind, much less tiramisu sushi?? Why not save myself the trouble of rolling it up and just make tiramisu?

I like my dessert yummy, hold the frill. I don’t need fancy names, dipping sauces or for pity’s sake 14 different kinds of meringue. I like cherry cordial ice cream or dark chocolate cupcakes. Rosewater frosting need not apply.

I like cake and I like green tea, but I won’t be making green tea cake with red bean filling anytime soon. Mostly because it sounds gross, but also the picture looked more like those Little Debbie Christmas Tree cakes than anything fancy.

Troy Smith is getting the start against the Seahawks. This doesn’t mean the Ravens will win, it does give them a better chance. Also, it will look prettier when they lose. The Kyle-bot is “hopeful” to be a back-up, as he apparently still has headaches from his concussion. I’d have a “headache” too if I played that poorly.

Miami Dolphins vs. Philadelphia Eagles

The Dolphins get Ricky Williams back. Not that it will matter. Cam Cameron is giving John Beck his first start, can’t hurt..we saw how well Trent Green and Cleo Lemon worked out. Not that this will matter either. The Eagles rely on a 2 person offense (and trust me, it’s offensive) of Donovan McIrritable and a questionable Brian Westbrook. And I STILL think the Eagles will win by 10.

 Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Atlanta Falcons *NFC South Match-Up*

Bobby Petrino won’t say who his starting QB is for Sunday. Good Bobby, use some trickery. I’m sure the Bucs defense is shaking in their cleats at the thought of Byron OR Joey. Wow, there’s intimidation. I pick the Bucs by 14, and I’m crossing my fingers for another DeAngelo Hall temper tantrum.  

 Cleveland Browns vs. Baltimore Ravens *AFC North Match-Up*

Brian Bellick says Steve McNair is out for the next 2-3 weeks for a “shoulder injury�?. I believe Brian reads my blogs and he understands that the world is tired of Steve. Which means we get to watch Kyle Boller help the Ravens lose instead. The Browns are ridiculous this year, which means they are good. I hate to say that. Browns by 21, and I hope Romeo Crennel does the “Truffle Shuffle�?. Yeah, you know what I’m talkin’ about.

 San Diego Chargers vs. Jacksonville Jaguars

Even though the entire team (and 67% of America) hate Norv Turner, the Chargers seem to be turning it around this season. Meanwhile, the Jaguars are taking their season in stride and not sucking terribly. This really just means that unless Jack Del Rio pulls a Tonya Harding on LT before the game, the Jaguars don’t stand a chance. Chargers by 14.

 New Orleans Saints vs. Houston Texans

In the battle of evenly matched southerners who will win? Drew Brees or some dude named Schaub? I’m saying some dude. Do you need to know why? The Saints blew it against the Rams last week and I lost all faith in them, that’s why. As if I need to explain myself to you anyways. Texans by 7.

 Kansas City Chiefs vs. Indianapolis Colts

Indy will NOT drop 3 in a row. I repeat, they will NOT drop 3 in a row. Eli’s brother just won’t stand for it. With Larry Johnson out, the injured Colts have less to worry about as well. That being said, Colts come back with a vengeance and win by 20. Wait..that means Vinatieri will have to hit a field goal..GET IT TOGETHER ADAM!!

 New York Giants vs. Detroit Lions

Which team will drop 2 in a row? History tells me to pick Detroit, as does my love for Eli. Let’s cross our fingers that we see Plaxico this week. In which case I pick the Giants by 7.

 Carolina Panthers vs. Green Bay Packers

Brett Farve! He’s amazing this season. I think the same guy who rebuilt Teddy Brusci built us a new Brett robot in the off season. Do I think Carolina even has a chance? Not really. They’re a little beat up and they’re playing against the guy who I will affectionately start referring to as the magical unicorn of football. Yup, I said it. Packers by 21.

 Oakland Raiders vs. Minnesota Vikings

With Adrian Peterson out, the Raiders might have a chance here. Daunte Culpepper is still grasping at career straws, getting another chance to start this week. However, those Raiders are beat up and not overly talented. You could probably say the same about the Vikings though, since they are the home team, I give them the win but only by 3.

 Arizona Cardinals vs. Cincinnati Bengals

Eastern teams have difficulty playing out west, so shouldn’t the same be true for western teams playing in the east (or Midwest)? Let’s hope so. The Bengals look healthy this week, the Cardinals also look fairly healthy, even though they lost Bertrand Berry for the season. This doesn’t mean a lot, because the Cardinals are the most inconsistent team I’ve ever seen. But we all know that I will pick the Bengals, and pick them by 10 I do.

 Pittsburgh Steelers vs. New York Jets

Here’s a joke, the Steelers schedule this season. They’re playing practically college teams. Oh, and I’m so glad Big Ben could dry hump Hines Ward last week. What a couple of douche faces. Meanwhile the Jets are well rested after their bye week, you know..to lose. Sigh..Steelers to continue the easiest schedule in football by 21.

 Chicago Bears vs. Seattle Seahawks

Rexie is back at the helm! Chicago, your ship is sinking. Lovie Smith says he’s going with who gives him the best chance for a win. Did Brian Griese’s arm fall off? How is Rex your best bet ever? Mike Holmgren’s got a winning strategy too, keep the ball away from Devin Hester. Well, if Seattle can do that, and not throw any interceptions I think they will do fine. Seattle by 10.

 St. Louis Rams vs. San Francisco 49’ers *NFC West Match-Up*

Wow! This could turn out to be a good game. Two of the worst teams in the NFL playing each other in a division match up. Mike Nolan needs a break, coaching a bad team and losing his dad and all. The Rams stunned the world by ruining their perfect season, and they’ve kissed the playoffs good-bye, they’re just playing for fun at this point. I am actually going to chose the Rams by 7.

 Washington Redskins vs. Dallas Cowboys *NFC East Match-Up*

Unless there’s some sort of Cowboys offense liquidation the Redskins don’t stand a chance here. You think I’m joking Bill Scowher? Do ya? That jolly Santa of a coach Wade Phillips could also do the truffle shuffle as far as I’m concerned. The Redskins couldn’t beat Philly or the Giants, heck, they barely beat the Jets! They’re also banged up. Really, if the Cowboys win by less than 21, they are having a bad week.

 New England Patriots vs. Buffalo Bills *AFC East Match-Up*

What a horribly lame Sunday night game. I’m not kidding, this is terrible. Ooooo, JP Losman is starting. Yeah, against a defense that would eat him for a snack, and then just make their way through the other terrible quarterbacks in the AFC east (Ahem, Chad Pennington anyone?) Anyways, I don’t know whose idea this game was for a Sunday night but I really think the Giants/Lions or Bears/Seahawks match-up would be better fits. Not because they’re so exciting, but it’s a more even match. New England by 24, a smile from Cheeks, and a sour-faced Billy Belichick.

 Tennessee Titans vs. Denver Broncos

Denver is at home, which means Vince Young won’t be able to rush as much as usual. At least not without needing oxygen between plays. I don’t know who is going to win here, but I believe it will be close. What little sense I have says to pick the Titans by 3.

Minnesota Vikings vs. Green Bay Packers *NFC North Match-Up*

The Adrian Peterson show goes on the road to Green Bay this week. However, will the Vikings defense be able to contain the Fav-Ray show? Probably not. The Packers are taking over the NFC North. I think Brett Farve should consider quitting while he’s ahead though. Retiring might be a good idea, let us remember you pretty, Brett. Packers by 10.

 Denver Broncos vs. Kansas City Chiefs *AFC West Match-Up*

After being punched in the face by Detriot last week, Jay Cutler says that the Broncos are in “panic mode�?. Well, considering that their best defense is playing at Mile High where no one can breathe, playing at Arrowhead this week doesn’t bode well for the Broncos. Their second best defense, Larry Johnson will not be playing. Chiefs by 3.

 Buffalo Bills vs. Miami Dolphins *AFC East Match-Up*

Oh look, a delightful match up in the WORST division in the AFC. Let’s ignore the Patriots existence and look at the rest of the AFC East: Bills, Jets and Doll-Fins. All dismal. Again, Buffalo doesn’t even care about Buffalo and Miami forgot that they have a football team. Cam Cameron has also decided to keep Cleo Lemon in the starting QB spot, you know, because he’s working out so well for them. Bills by 14. Joey Porter to throw himself into Niagara Falls after the game.

 St. Louis Rams vs. New Orleans Saints

Another game no one is excited about. Why? Because the Rams are ugly. Miami gets so much press for their “perfect season�? but no one talks about how dismal the Rams look. Well, at least they’ll be well rested after their bye week to lose to the Saints. Drew, Reggie & Friends by 21.

 Cleveland Browns vs. Pittsburgh Steelers *AFC North Match-Up*

I sincerely hope the Browns beat the Steelers all over the field. Last time these two teams met it was ugly. But that when Charlie Frye was in charge and there’s a new sheriff in town. Plus, I love when the Steelers lose at home. It’s sweet justice for all those Steeler female fans who have nothing else to cheer for in their toothless lives. Here goes nothing, Browns by 7.

 Philadelphia Eagles vs. Washington Redskins *NFC East Match-Up*

Here’s an equal match. But the Eagles will go home crying. Why? Because the Redskins defense has the potential to eat Donovan McInjured alive. The Eagles are having a do or die moment apparently, according to the media. Which is contrary to the public belief that they have already died. Redskins by 20.

 Atlanta Falcons vs. Carolina Panthers *NFC South Match-Up*

The Falcons have a chance this week, because the Panthers are once again forced to rely on Old Vinny and some guy you’ve never heard of. Although, the Falcons have to rely on some guy you HAVE heard of, but have heard nothing good about. Oh Joey, will this be your breakout week? Doubtful. I think it’s more likely that Vinny will plow down any hope the Falcons have. Panthers by 14.

 Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Tennessee Titans *AFC South Match-Up*

The Titans already beat the Jags once this season, and now I think we’ll be making that twice. They need a healthy David Garrard to beat the Titans and I have the feeling he will be coming out gimpy, if he even comes out at all. Titans by 14.

 Cincinnati Bengals vs. Baltimore Ravens *AFC North Match-Up*

Ugh with the injuries! I really want some answers as to what is up with the linebackers. Do the Bengals even have any left? Next week Carson Palmer will be QB and middle linebacker. However, the Ravens are looking less than stellar this season, and the Bengals are looking forward to the return of Chris Henry. You can’t double cover everyone. Bengals by 3 and a prayer.

 Detroit Lions vs. Arizona Cardinals

The amazing Kitna takes his show on the road this week. He is 4 wins away from fulfilling his promise to the fans of Detroit, all 12 of them. Really, I think it’s safe to say that Kitna is only 3 wins away, because we all know that the Cardinals might play well but they fall apart in the end. Lions by 10.

 Dallas Cowboys vs. New York Giants *NFC East Match-Up*

I’m still befuddled as to how Dallas qualifies as “east�?. That being said, I wish I had something better to say about my Giants than “they’re going to lose�?..but, they’re going to lose. I’ll still be cheering loud for Eli. Although it might be close, the last time the Cowboys played a team worth the uniforms on their back, they lost. I hope to see Michael Strahan make that Tony Romo eat turf. All. Day. Long. Cowboys by 7.

 Chicago Bears vs. Oakland Raiders

YAY! A game the Bears can win. However, is it really a win if you’re playing the Raiders? Brian Griese is somewhere thanking God that he gets a week of a guaranteed win. The ever-articulate Brian Urlacher will be looking to tackle everyone and then get up and celebrate as if being 3-5 is a reason to jump up and celebrate. Bears by 20.

 Indianapolis Colts vs. San Diego Chargers

Does anyone think the Colts will lose two weeks in a row? No. Not even Norv Turner. Them Chargers ain’t what they used to be. This isn’t to say that they won’t score some points, but it just won’t be enough to beat the Colts. Eli’s brother’s team by 14.

 San Francisco 49’ers vs. Seattle Seahawks *NFC West Match-Up*

Who picked this for Monday night? BOOOORRRR-IIIINNNNNGGGG! This is the weakest division in the NFC, a match up like this has no place on the Monday Night stage. I’m not even sad I won’t be home to watch this one. Alex Smith doesn’t make me smile, I just kind of cringe as he throws the ball. The Seahawks live to disappoint, especially after blowing it against Cleveland last week. I pick Seattle by 17. Because it’s the 49’ers.

Here’s a throwback, Douche bag of the week award! . Zach Thomas, of the Miami Dolphins, is not playing because of “migraines�?? Get an Imitrex and quit crying! They pay you how much to have a “headache�?? I think he’s really just too embarrassed to be a Dolphin, not that I blame him.

Cleveland Browns vs. St. Louis Rams
You know, it’s really too bad the Rams don’t face the Dolphins this year, it would give them a much better chance of a win. I can’t believe I’m picking the Browns. Again, the Football Apocalypse continues. The Rams probably won’t have a chance of winning a game until Nov. 18 against the 49’ers. That being said, Browns…by 10. I feel dirty now.

 New York Giants vs. Miami Dolphins
Roger Goodell is trying to make football the world’s passion by presenting the Miami Dolphins to the world? Well, in Eli we trust….seriously, my awkward one-sided love affair aside, I certainly hope Eli saves face for American football this week. Who am I kidding? Giants by 20. While we’re at it, can we just leave Joey Porter in London? Call it America’s Thank You note for Boy George, George Michael and Gary Glitter. Keep it real, London.

 Indianapolis Colts vs. Carolina Panthers
Another team with QB drama…but a team that signed Vinny Testaverde. It’s one thing when Vinny beats the Cardinals, but don’t expect another miracle here. Peyton Manning will look like merely a babe as he leads the Colts passed the Panthers by 13. Oh, and let’s hope Vinny doesn’t break a hip out there.

 Detroit Lions vs. Chicago Bears *NFC North Match-Up*
The Bears benched Rexie and started finding a way to win…but not before losing to the Vikings. The Bears were embarrassed by the Lions in the fourth quarter just a month ago. The sting is probably still fresh in Brian Urlacher’s anus. However, the Lions are hot hot hot (as far as the Lions go) this season, and I hate the Bears. Go Lions, by 7. Yay, Kitna!

 Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Cincinnati Bengals *AFC North Match-Up*
So, true to form, the media can’t let Cincinnati just have a drama-free win. Le Sigh. And the INJURIES! Jiminy Crickets, did Caleb Miller break his back? What is the deal with these line backers? Meanwhile the Steelers couldn’t be healthier. However, their defense isn’t consistent on the road. Ok, rant over, real deal, the Bengals are ready to beat the Steelers at home. Lets win on turnovers, Bengals by 3…at the end..Shayne Graham field goal.

 Philadelphia Eagles vs. Minnesota Vikings
Well, halfway into the season and Donovan McNabb is still healthy. There’s the real victory for Philadelphia, but I digress. This is a pretty even match up, and I believe that the Eagles will come out on top by 7.

 Oakland Raiders vs. Tennessee Titans
With Vince Young returning to the field I don’t see much chance for the Raiders. Daunte Culpepper won’t be able to lift the Raiders passed the Titans, especially not on the road. I pick the Titans by 10.

 Buffalo Bills vs. New York Jets *AFC East Match-Up*
AGAIN! Teams with QB drama. The Bills benched former starter JP Losman, the Jets refuse to bench dismal Chad Pennington. I suspect that by the second quarter fans in the Meadowlands will be calling for Kellen Clemens..wait, they’re doing that now. Eric Mangini, New York is a rough place to be…you should really reconsider this Chad Pennington decision..I mean, two words: lynch mob. Bills by 3 (because no matter how bad Chad plays…it won’t make up for how bad the Bills truly are).

 Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
With David Garrard out with a high ankle sprain, I think that the Buccaneers will be able to move passed the Jaguars this week. It’s sad to think that a game depends that much on a quarterback, but it’s true. I pick Tampa Bay by 14.

 Houston Texans vs. San Diego Chargers
It appears Qualcomm Stadium will still be standing on Sunday. Which is good for the Chargers, bad for the Texans. I don’t see the Texans winning on the road, not with injuries in the quarterback position (which is UNHEARD of in this league right now..). I see the Chargers winning by 14.

 New Orleans Saints vs. San Francisco 49’ers
Perhaps the Saints have started marching? Not that beating the 49’ers really counts as marching, but it’s a start boys. I highly doubt that the return of Alex Smith is really going to do the 49’ers any good this week. It is prettier than Trent Dilfer, but so is an epileptic fit. Drew, Reggie and the rest of the Saints by 10.

 Washington Redskins vs. New England Patriots
Why aren’t we sending the Patriots to England? Seriously, if you want the world to love American football, give them a show. I’m not a huge fan of the Patriots, but they are ridiculous this season. I’m not even sure they are human. Except Bill Belichick, who could really benefit from a handful of Prozac. Patriots by 21, Redskins can cry all the way home.

 Green Bay Packers vs. Denver Broncos
Brett Favre takes his show on the road to Denver. Denver gets lucky at home because no one else plays well at a mile high. The thin air actually might be the greatest defense Denver has right now. I’m hoping Brett Favre can take a deep breath and throw the ball..preferably to another Packer (Green Bay doesn’t like the interceptions Brett, it makes those cheese hats even heavier). I pick the Packers by 3, I’d pick them by more but they are NFC and in Denver. Forget the popcorn boys, get’cha oxygen ready!

In related QB drama news, Byron Leftwich injured his ankle last week. Oh wait, that’s not really news, just situation normal. Joey Herrington has a week off to celebrate and look for other ways to blow his career.

Detroit Lions vs. Washington Redskins

I believe in you, Jon Kitna! I also believe that without a fully healthy Santana Moss and Clinton Portis, the Redskins don’t stand much of a chance. Plus, the Redskins barely pulled a win over Miami. These aren’t your ordinary Detriot Lions, fellas, this year they mean business. Detroit by 7.

Cleveland Browns vs. New England Patriots

Will the Browns pull an upset? HA! Not unless Bill Belichick replaces his entire team with a pee-week squad and a troop of Brownies. I don’t care how good they looked last week against the Ravens, the Ravens are “to’ up�?? and Steve McNair has no business playing right now, he looks foolish. The Browns aren’t known for being a consistent team either. Let the onslaught commence, Patriots by 28.

Seattle Seahawks vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

Here we are in week 5 and the Steelers are just now playing a team worth it’s weight in licensed NFL merchandise. However, these are two teams who lost to the Cardinals, that’s pretty demoralizing. Maybe Charlie Frye can send a tray of baked goods to the Steelers side, as a thank you for helping him lose his starting job in Cleveland. I hope Seattle wins, by 10. I also hope Pittsburgh runs that retarded reversal they have, you know the one where Big Ben becomes a “blocker�??, but in reality all he does is fall on the ground.

Arizona Cardinals vs. St. Louis Rams *NFC West Match-Up*

Two teams with quarterback woes. Ken Whisenhunt can relish in the fact that when (not if) Matt Leinart starts the suck, he can call up (old) Kurt Warner to make things right again. What do the Rams have to look to? Their starting quarterback is out this week because his ribs are held together by nothing more than duct tape and a dream. Their second string guy is someone I’ve never heard of, so I’m sure he’ll come out fighting. Plus, those Rams fans, they love them some Kurt Warner. I predict the Cardinals to win by 10, and the fans in St. Louis will be cheering louder for Kurt than anyone else.

Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Kansas City Chiefs

Kansas City has turned on the wins, and I fully believe they’ll continue this streak this week with a 10 point win over Jacksonville. David Garrard doesn’t have such good luck there at Arrowhead. Jack Del Rio will be crying in his Gatorade.

Carolina Panthers vs. New Orleans Saints *NFC South Match-Up*

Coming off the bye week, the Saints had better be well rested and ready to march if they have any chance of a win this week. Jake Delhomme’s elbow is all messed up, David Carr (formerly of the very dismal Texans) might have to play. I hope Drew and Reggie are able to pull it together this week and get over the loss of McAllister. I’m picking the Saints again, but only by 3 or less. I hear that Saints fans, while disappointed, are much more comfortable with a losing team. They didn’t know what to do last year with all of that winning going on.

New York Jets vs. New York Giants

It’s the Battle of New York! We all know I heart Eli, even though he should consider changing his first name to “Not Peyton�??. I fully believe that he will lead the Giants passed Chad Pennington and the Jets. Giants by 10.

Miami Dolphins vs. Houston Texans

Joey Porter will not be pleased..again, as the Dolphins will fall to 0-5 this week. The foul-mouthed loud-mouth will only get louder this week, as the Steelers continue to prove how much they don’t miss him. I predict the Texans to win by 14.

Atlanta Falcons vs. Tennessee Titans

Hmm, Vince Young vs. Joey Herrington? Vince Young, of course! I don’t think the Atlanta defense will be stopping the quarterback rush, or any other runs for that matter. DeAngelo Hall will probably start crying again as well. I pick the Titans by 14.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Indianapolis Colts

I hate to say this, but I think Tampa Bay could pull an upset. I say could, but what I mean is won’t. Call me biased, but Peyton will pretty much always get my vote. The Bucs have a lot of injuries to overcome and I think it’ll be another week before that happens. Colts by 7 again, because they always keep it pretty close.

Baltimore Ravens vs. San Francisco 49’ers

Normally, this game would look pretty lame to me. However, with the very injured Ravens making the trip out west, to play the equally injured 49’ers, this could be battle of the second strings. At this point, Steve McNair really looks like second string and should consider sitting out instead of doing what appears to be a pregnant waddle around out there. It’s really not very manly, Steve. I pick the Ravens by 3.

San Diego Chargers vs. Denver Broncos

The San Diego Chargers are trying to overcome Norv Turner and a host of bad attitudes. The Denver Broncos have to overcome repeated poor performances by Jay Cutler and gang. Let’s be honest, the Broncos have beat two teams that aren’t all that impressive, which makes the Broncos equally unimpressive. I’m giving the Chargers my vote one more time, Chargers by 3.

Chicago Bears vs. Green Bay Packers

The Packers are on fire, the Bears are in disarray. Favre is on fire, the Bear’s have no quarterback, they are just kind of shuffling guys around in the spot until someone can throw more TD’s than interceptions. Green Bay by 3.

Dallas Cowboys vs. Buffalo Bills

You’re kidding, right? I’m supposed to get excited about this game? Well, with JP Losman benched and crying about his MCL, that gives the Bills a better chance of putting up a fight, but who are we kidding? There will be no Dallas upset this week, Cowboys by 17.

I knew the news would get better. Yesterday I turned on the tv at 11:00 a.m. to watch Cincinnati Police officers wandering around Interstate 71. There was a bank robbery in Evendale, right over by my local fabric retailer and the bank teller slipped a GPS device in with the money. So police shut down the highway where they were following the signal. Now, if this criminal was intelligent, he would’ve thrown the GPS device out. I was REALLY hoping that police would follow the signal into a pile of pop cans and gravel on the side of the road. Aaron was hoping it was tied to a squirrel. In the end, it was still in the money bag and the thieves went quietly and looked like Cincinnati’s second dumbest criminals (second to my house robbers), but they were in a pick up truck with Kentucky plates. You know education pays there right? Leave it to Kentucky to bring the stupid.

There was a jail riot at the Hamilton County Justice Center last month. I don’t know how I missed this in the news, however 4 prisoners were indicted for aggravated rioting. They apparently jammed their cells doors with pieces of books and checker boards, then clogged up toilets which proceeded to overflow and flood the first and second floors of the jail. Then they taunted officers when they tried to gain access to the cells. Wait, let me get this straight, you clogged the toilet in your cell and then proceeded to taunt officers while you danced in your own urine and feces? Perfect sense. One prisoner was also charged with aggravated menacing after he “threatened to kill one officer, sexually assault his sister and kill his family.�? That earned him some pepper spray to the face.

Finally, a high school rivalry has led to suspected arson. Apparently someone set fire at Taft High School, but only to the area that holds the football uniforms..all three sets. This left the football team with nothing to wear for their game on Friday night. Colerain was nice enough to donate uniforms. Adding insult to injury, they lost Friday night by 1 point. How’s the salt in that wound boys? Who sets a fire to win a football game? What ever happened to the good old fashioned Tonya Harding-ing? Yeah, I did say that. I hope that doesn’t earn me a whack to the knees.  

I’m sure we’ve all heard the news about those low-down, dirty, no good, cheating New England Patriots. I think the real news is that Bill Belichick wore a real shirt in this past Sunday’s game rather than that ragged out, torn up sweatshirt he usually wears. I think this all further proves my statement that Tom Brady is the most over rated quarterback in the NFL. And really, cheating to beat the Jets? That was just unnecessary. Oh that’s right, they didn’t cheat, Bill just “misunderstood the rules�?. I’m sure that’ll work great for my next exam, “I’m sorry Professor, I didn’t know it was against the rules to look at someone else’s answers. I won’t do it again..here, have some money and let me go on my way.�? Give me a break. Please Bill, don’t lie, just say, “I’m sorry, I cheated, and I promise, next week I’m bringing back the sweatshirt�?.

So the Browns dumped Charlie Frye, again, not surprising news. The real shocker is that the Seahawks picked him up. WHY?! There goes my NFC pick….This opens up the starting quarterback position to Derek Anderson. I predict this to last about 2 weeks, so I hope Brady Quinn is eating his Wheaties.

Stay Tuned for my NFL predictions…

Local news is really slow this week, but with the break in the heat, you can expect violent crime to get back to situation normal.

Traffic is bad and getting worse, according to the Cincinnati Enquirer. No kidding. I-75 has been by far the suckiest piece of road in the Greater Cincinnati area since like 1985, I’m glad OKI, ODOT, and KDOT are finally catching on to this fact. Apparently, the cut in the hill is the worst traffic spot in the area. Wow, with the daily semi-truck flippings, I would never have guessed that. The second worst spot is from Shepherd Lane to Ronald Reagan, which shows how much the author of that article knows. I drive that stretch every day and traffic doesn’t break until you get to the Norwood Lateral, which is about 2 miles south of Ronald Reagan. It’s just slow enough for the Jim Beam plant to invade my car with its stench and make me gag repeatedly. This is sadly not an exaggerated fact, there are mornings when I start to panic and think I’m not going to make it. The paper says this traffic is only going to get much worse between now and 2030, and there are plans to start highway expansions. Well, that’s great, because at the speed Hamilton County moves on road work, if they start next spring it’ll be at least 2035 before it every gets done. Hmm, and they wonder why everyone is moving closer to Dayton.

In world news, parents can expect a 10% increase in the cost of toys this Christmas season, because Mattel can’t be expected to keep the lead out of your toys without your extra money. Parents believe it’s worth the extra money to keep their kids safe. Personally, I think this calls for a boycott more than it calls for the latest Tickle Me Elmo. You’re paying for something that should’ve been done to begin with, and that’s stupid and this is price gouging. The government is raping us for the price of gas and now Mattel is going to rape parents for the price of Christmas? Ahh, the beauty of a capitalistic society. By the way, I don’t know why this is all of the sudden at the forefront of the news, Baby Einstein toys got in trouble years ago for their high lead content and it was widely publicized then that toys from China were full of lead. As for me, I’m going to start blaming Barbie for my own mental retardation.

That’s pretty much it, the news is sloooooooow this week. Is it time for a full moon yet?