Dear Make Believe Lion Roaming Avondale,

Please do not find your way into the parking garage at Children’s Hospital and sit on my car. My husband will never believe that a lion scratched the paint on my car.

Sincerely,
the pea

Dear Bill,

Please submit accurate injury reports about Wes Welker. It’s very difficult for me to set my fantasy line up if you continue to list him as questionable.

Sincerely,

Everyone with Wes  on their Fantasy Team and is struggling at the WR position

PS – LOVE the sweatshirts.

In an effort to clean up the clutter in my sewing room/office/place to store my sloppy mess and keep the door closed I started looking through old junk. I found a manila folder full of old college papers I saved for a portfolio I never had to do. Oh LAS requirements, what an epic fail. The first paper I found was an English paper written on Pantheistic Monism. I kid you not! I couldn’t make that up!! Does anyone even know what that means? These are just words that I’m not even sure go together. I blame someone with a PhD and shake my fist at higher education. I’ll give you some Pantheistic Monism….as soon as I figure out what it is.

Next I found 2 papers for Philosophy. I would like to take this time to point out that my Philosophy/Health care Ethics professor had a different tie dyed t-shirt for every day of the week, and complained constantly about how he made no money and his wife (a NICU nurse) made no money. Cry me a river! I bet he could explain Pantheistic Monism. So first I’m reading this paper for which  I received an A- because that crazy hippie disagreed with my stance that the strongest don’t survive while the weakest die off, because society will always carry the weak along. He actually wrote the comment, “watch the news and see how the real world works”. No Ron White (yeah, I called him out in the blogosphere…what’s up now?!), YOU watch the news. The socialized world ALWAYS carries the weakest links along while the strong have to work longer and harder to support those who don’t support themselves. I deserved an A +. You want to know what Ron White paper I did get an A+ on?? The Philosophy paper on human sexuality where I discussed our female ancestors using sex to obtain goods and the evolution to modern prostitution. I also got an A+ on the Health care ethics final where I caved in and decided to be a democrat for an hour and support socialized medicine. I won’t go into details, but the meeting about my paper pre-socialism was painful for all involved. I gave myself up for an A, I’m still ashamed…and I still can’t sit down without a pillow. Trust me, it’s better if that’s all you know.

Finally there is the absolute hilarious sociology paper further proving that no one takes sociology seriously. The paper was to be written in APA format, mine is not even close. I didn’t reference a single one of the quotes I used, nor did I give the required intro paragraph. I also discussed how previous generations of women didn’t stand up at Seneca Falls or burn their bras for Britney Spears to dance around in her underware. Really? This is an A paper?

Liberal arts was supposed to make me a more well rounded person, but really it just taught me how little work I needed to do to get the grades I wanted. Thank you higher education!

Yeah, Chris Henry is no longer suspended…again. Joy.

Tennessee Titans vs. Baltimore Ravens
I’m not sure how it’s possible, but the Ravens are looking marginally good this season. Perhaps it’s not that they look good as much as the teams they have played look that bad. Regardless, I think the Titans can take them this week by 7.

San Diego Chargers vs. Miami Dolphins
This game is a joke right? I mean, I know that the Dolphins managed to beat New England, but..New England is an overrated team full of old men. A one man team of Ronnie Brown won’t be able to match a two man team of LT and Phil Rivers. Face it, we’re going to have to see another Rivers win….Chargers by 21.

Washington Redskins vs. Philadelphia Eagles
Let’s map this out..Eagles lost to the Cowboys who lost to the Redskins. However, the Redskins are a little inconsistent, have a new coach, and well..I just don’t like the Redskins. I hate the Eagles even more though, and I don’t want to hear about how fantastic McNabb thinks he is. But let’s be realistic..the Eagles won’t lose this one at home. Eagles by 10.

Seattle Seahawks vs. New York Giants
Plaxico is still suspended for the second of his two week suspension. It’s ok Eli, you won’t need him. Seattle is still beat up..as they have been all season and Seattle is part of the worst division in football (next to the AFC North perhaps). Eli and friends will have no troubles this week…by 14.

Indianapolis Colts vs. Houston Texans
The Colts are having a rough year, but this will be a nice, relaxing week for them to find their groove. How Peyton got his groove back? He played the terrible Texans. The Texans have forgotten their fantastic start of last season and decided to resort to their typical terrible. Colts by 20.

Kansas City Chiefs vs. Carolina Panthers
I don’t even know what is going on in football this season, especially with the Chiefs winning last week. This is a game I wouldn’t waste my time watching..not even if I was a fan of either of these teams. It’s a flip a coin type prediction that leaves the Chiefs as heads and Panthers as tails. I choose heads…by 3.

Atlanta Falcons vs. Green Bay Packers
After years of standing in Brett’s shadow, Aaron Rogers is a game time decision? He won’t miss the opportunity to show that he deserves to be leading the team. Meanwhile, is Matt Ryan the new magical unicorn? I’m picking the Packers, but only by 3 and only because they are at home.

Chicago Bears vs. Detroit Lions
A division game that the Bears can win! Kyle Orton will be so excited to look semi-talented for a week. Calm down Kyle, it’s the Lions making you look good..not you. Oh the Lions, the only team worse than the Bengals…maybe. Bears by 14.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Denver Broncos
The Buccaneers will not win this week. The Broncos should be ASHAMED of what happened last week and Mike..or as I refer to him as “Leprechaun” probably beat them all week. With sticks and four leaf clovers. Broncos by 10.

Buffalo Bills vs. Arizona Cardinals
Ugh. Do the Bills have the easiest schedule in the NFL this year? I am so tired of them winning…it hurts, it really does. I’m tired of hearing about how awesome they are. It’s the Bills for pity’s sake! They won’t be going to the Super Bowl, but they will be winning this game. By 21.

New England Patriots vs. San Francisco 49′ers
Here’s a game that New England needs to help get back on their feet. Matt Cassel will be able to have some real practice against a team that hasn’t deserved to win a game in like 5 years. Even traveling to the west coast won’t bother the Patriots..when they win by 10. Bill, try to leave the sleeves on your sweatshirt this week.

Cincinnati Bengals vs. Dallas Cowboys
Chris Henry is back, but will it make a difference? Nope. Sorry boys…this hurts my heart greatly..but Antonio and T.O. will not lose two weeks in a row. However, Cincinnati seems content to lose 16 weeks in a row. I can’t believe I’m picking the Cowboys by I am…by 17.

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
Rematch of last year, let’s hope for the same results. The Jaguars can eat through Pittsburgh’s embarrassingly bad offensive line. I wish the Steelers were at home so I could hear them get boo’ed again this week. The worst thing about this game will be John Madden’s constant sympathy for that fat kid from Findlay. Jags by 10.

Minnesota Vikings vs. New Orleans Saints
How did either of these teams earn a spot on Monday night? This is a game I’d not watch if other football were going to be on, I have to be honest. The Vikings are having a terrible year and I think New Orleans will be happy to capitalize on their dismalness. Nope, it wasn’t a word until I typed it.  Saints by 10.

Yeah, that’s right stay at home mom who refuses to discipline her child, I’m talking to you. If your child is crawling, laying or break-dancing in the empty spaces on the shelf, you should consider at least telling them to get out of the shelf. Oh, and use a stern tone. This whole, “Let’s not play on the shelves please” garbage is NOT working. Nor is it getting your child out of my way.

Also, why is it that these women seem to think they’re the ONLY people in the store? They stand in the middle of the aisle and act annoyed if you say, “excuse me”. Perhaps I should just throw manners to the wind and yell, “GET OUT OF THE WAY!”. Hey, when in Rome, right? Better yet, they let their two year old sit in the small carry-around shopping basket in the middle of the aisle. Get your kid out of the floor, this is eqaully as bad as letting your child lay in the middle of the floor. These rude stay at home moms are starting to annoy me more than the people who sigh loudly rather than help me open the door when I’m pushing a stroller. In a few weeks, I might just stop going out in public all together.

What kind of world are we living in when Matt Ryan, Joe Flacco and Kyle Orton look like superstars? Where the Chargers lose at home to the Panthers? Where the Browns were expected to make it a game against the Cowboys?

Week 1 made my heart hurt. Except for that part where Tom Brady got hurt…I mean, awwwwwwwww.

I’m really tired of the mud flinging between two parties. I’m also tired of all the “Palin” scandals. Having a pregnant teen daughter isn’t a scandal, sadly, it’s fairly common. These scandals aren’t really scandalous, so unless Sarah Palin starts snorting lines of blow off McCain’s forehead, can’t we all just get along?

Vote independent, the only way to be a political renegade.

Can someone please explain to me why on earth Tiki Barber and Chris Collinsworth are reporting for the Olympics? Weren’t there enough washed up former Olympic athletes out there? It’s bad enough that gymnastics subjects us to Elfie Schlegel, Tim Dagget and Al Trautwig (or as I refer to him, Troutmouth). This is like a Sunday Night Football nightmare.

Wait, where’s The Bus?