Life Imitates Art

Which is not a good thing when life is imitating “Super Troopers�?. Headline reads, “Officers Ignored Calls, Played Video Game, Chief Says.�? I’ll give you one guess what department these fine officers work for, yeah, I said work…because they haven’t been fired yet.

So here’s the deal, two officers were assigned to foot duty after not wearing their seat belts in an accident. Fair enough right? I mean, shouldn’t the people enforcing the law follow it? HA! That’s a joke. After leaving role call, they apparently picked up a liter cola and went to play video games and watch TV at a substation in Hyde Park. This went on for TWO MONTHS. Their sergeant apparently even knew about this and his response was allegedly, “I don’t blame you guys I’d do the same thing.�?

While Chief Tom Streicher is outraged and the general public is shocked, I am mildly amused and not surprised. While in a separate district (same department) it took 20 minutes for police to respond to my 9-1-1 call. If it wasn’t an emergency, I probably wouldn’t have called 9-1-1, good job on that guys. Oh, and GREAT job and catching those criminals. Lame. Chief Tom Streicher is afraid people didn’t get the police services that they needed (and pay for with their taxes). I wonder, do people ever get the response needed in this town? Go CPD…keep on wasting tax dollars.

CPS, No Po-Po, and an Abundance of Shopping Carts

The Cincinnati Public School system is in danger of a $79 million deficit by 2009. The district claims that they cannot cut anymore without affecting the quality of education in Cincinnati. Some are calling for a levy to be placed on the November ballot. Now, I’m going to ignore the “affecting the quality of education in Cincinnati,�? and move to the larger issue here. I predict that come November there will be no money for education, but there’s a greater chance of money being available for the new jail. People care more about a jail rather than education when, as I’ve ranted before, (August 25, 2006, look it up in the archives), if there were more educated people in this town, there might not be so much crime. These issues go hand in hand. Education pays, even Kentucky figured that out.

Meanwhile, up in the north, New Miami has abolished its police force effective immediately. They apparently had considered making the police force part time and paying them $8 an hour. Seriously, they would make a better living at their local Meijer! For those who don’t know, New Miami is next to Hamilton, which is made of drugs. New Miami is also made of drugs (and muscle cars), it’s just smaller. Residents are irate and spent several minutes ranting to local news about the dissolution of their local police force. Here’s what one resident had to say, “New Miami has a bad enough name, and when people hear there’s no police force those coke crack drug dealers are going to come in swarms.�? In all fairness lady, they’re already there, they are just going to come out of hiding. Butler County sheriff deputies will begin patrolling the area, but Sheriff Richard Jones is probably not willing to take too long of a break from going after illegal aliens to patrol for druggies. Maybe funneling the illegals to New Miami is an idea, two birds, one stone.

Price hill residents are taking back their streets. They are wearing t-shirts that say, “Proud Price Hill Residents�? and going on a “Peace Walk�? and picking up trash to promote peace and safety in their neighborhood. I think they’d be better off to curl up in a corner and smoke a peace pipe, but that’s just my opinion. You’re picking up garbage for people who are more likely to shot you while you’re on the peace walk than they are to appreciate a garbage free neighborhood.

Shopping cart theft is irritating neighbors on our far east side. Neighborhoods in the Cherry Grove area are being littered with stolen shopping carts. No kidding, the video on the news showed shopping carts everywhere. There were nearly 40 shopping carts from various merchants littering the sidewalk, and residents are irritated. They want people to get cars and drive to the store like everyone else. Kroger says they bring a truck out twice a week to collect their stolen shopping carts. This is, by the way, the worst theft I’ve ever heard of, people stealing shopping carts. Kroger has an equally dismal defense, “We have signs that say, ‘No Shopping Carts Beyond This Point,’ so while it is theft, there’s not much we can do about it.â€?? Please Kroger, don’t beat me to death with that 8×10 sign. Two sarcastic thumbs up to both the shopping cart thieves and Kroger’s, you’re all lame.

And what is up with BRAVO? Is this the network strictly for whiney adults to be on reality television? I love shows about house flipping, but this ‘tard on “Flipping Out�? needs to be beaten off of his high horse with a big stick. I wonder if his psychic could predict that. Wait, what’s up with this website? Is it the website strictly for a whiney adult who likes vegetables?

This Town Continues To Be Ridiculous

So, remember when I said this town was ridiculous for the onion delay? Today, we have ourselves a new, equally bizarre, produce delay. A watermelon truck overturned on an entrance ramp from I-75 to I-74 and that’s just dumb. It’s a sharp turn, you can see that its a sharp turn, there’s no reason to roll your truck, just slow down! I can’t even begin to express how ridiculous I think produce these produce delays are, onions, watermelons…I sincerely hope that our next produce delay is something delicious like pineapple. No, better than fruit, I hope our next delay involves farm animals, I really liked that time we had the cow delay (true story).

UPDATE: I was sent an actual news article concerning the watermelons, and behold, a quote from CPD, “We have watermelons all over the road,”. I can’t get enough of the train wreck that is this town. The coroner has apparently been called to the scene, so I might be a little more understanding if the driver wrecked because he was dying. If he died because he wrecked, well then my simply will be waning.

UPDATE (pt. 2): The same person who sent me the news article alerted me to the fact that it takes 6 CPD cruisers to sit on an entrance ramp and guard squashed watermelons. Do you want to take a guess at how many cruisers will show up if your house gets robbed? One. Just one. Watch out for watermelons, they’re feisty. Meanwhile, back at the ghetto ranch, every felon in Cincinnati is running wild, stealing $1 bills, bowling balls and Jeep Cherokees.

Why I Moved: Pt. 3 – Cars in the Lawn

So I was reading the local news websites, looking for blog fodder and boy did I come across a gem! A car crashed into a house near the intersection of Montana & Anaconda, and I thought, “Hmm, I used to live near that intersection.” So I did a little more digging on other news websites

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As you can see, there is clearly a car parked into a house. No, that is NOT my old house, that’s my neighbor. That black strip, that’s my old driveway. According to the video I watched, this super (drunk) douche plowed through the fence of my previous home and crashed into my neighbors house. The driver then fled the scene. I think that brings new meaning to 40 oz. to freedom. $50 says CPD can’t manage to find him either. So glad I moved.

Spring Break, Smokin’ Grannies and Baby Bats

It’s Spring Break so I’ll reward you all with TWO blogs today. Can we say YAY!? Just so you know, everytime I say spring break I want to lift up my shirt. WOO! Honky gone wild!

So, I was perusing through the local news this morning and I see that one of the victims of the “Blue-Eyed Rapist�? is whining that it is taking too long to bring this lamer to justice. Now, I’m sorry that she was violated, but as I recall my house was robbed just days after she was raped and the CSI lady that came to my house told me, “It could take a while to process this case. There’s only one crime lab for the Cincinnati area and when there’s a double rape a home invasion where no one was injured isn’t really a priority.�? So, to this woman I say, at least someone made an effort to FIND your perpetrator. Still, NO KUDOS to Cincinnati Police. NONE.

In more uplifting news, Middletown is FULL of geniuses. Anyone who’s ever been to a retail establishment in Middletown will tell you that the whole town only has about 200 teeth and even fewer brain cells. A man being arraigned on bank robbery charges decided that it was a good idea to scream and curse at the judge. One contempt of court charge later he was awarded 90 days in jail. See Allen curse, see Allen go to jail, dumb Allen, dumb.

One of CNN’s headlines is, “Britney’s Antics Make Kevin Look Like a Good Dad�?. Thanks CNN, we established that fact when she shaved her head, thanks for keeping up.

Here’s one for the kids! A British grand-mammy who CNN has dubbed, “Cannabis Granny�?, is using marijuana to add flavor to her foods. She also claims that it helps her aches and pains. She uses it on her eggs, in casseroles, and in her yummy hot chocolate. Who needs sugar when you can have pot chocolate? She thinks England needs to move into the 21st century with countries like Canada, Spain, or Italy where it is apparently legal to grow 1 cannabis plant for the use of the family. Too bad boomin’ granny has already been arrested several years ago for growing more than one plant with the intent to distribute. Therefore, I declare that defense null and void. She should hook up with the Texas teen who gave his nephews weed. His defense is equally as amusing, “Those kids were going to smoke one way or another anyways. The media is just blowing it up�?. YOU GAVE A TWO YEAR OLD WEED! Anyways, back to granny, this is all begging the question, does she eat because she likes the ganja, or does she eat the ganja and therefore she likes to eat?

Meanwhile, on the proper side of the pond a Pennsylvania woman plead guilty to aggravated assault and endangering the welfare of a child. She used her child as a weapon against her baby daddy! She swung her 4 week old son like a baseball bat during an argument with her boyfriend and while the extent of the boyfriend’s injuries aren’t specified the baby received a fractured skull. Momma says she’s depressed, I say, “You swung your child like a baseball bat!�?. I truly believe that as this child was flying through the air he was crying, “Daddy! Punch her in the baby maker!!�? Enjoy the mugshot.

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Hamilton County Needs a New Jail…a Lenghty Blog

Ok, I haven’t touched on the Hamilton County Jail issue yet, because I didn’t really think I had much to say. Thoughts tend to lie dormant in my mind and suddenly I’ve got so much to say and so little time. Comments made last week by our own Hamilton County Sheriff Simon Leis (who couldn’t look or act MORE like the poster child for “Grumpy Old Men�?) and some random lady from Westwood or Cheviot or who cares because the west side is all the same, caused me to become conscious of my feelings concerning this issue. I’ll start with the latter of the two comments.

Random Lady says, “If you don’t want to build a new jail I’m sure Sheriff Simon Leis will be more than happy to drop these criminals off at your house so you can baby sit them.�? Yeah, that might not be a direct quote, so don’t lynch me. She did say that part about baby sitting though, which I think is hilarious. Number one, threatening to drop criminals off at people’s houses, mental image = more than mildly amusing. Plus it beats the heck out of dropping them off in Butler County. What if they escape?! Well, then they’d have to contend with Big Rick Jones, and he pretty much hates everyone I think. Number two, comparing Hamilton County’s finest to glorified baby sitters, well, I wouldn’t go THAT far, but I’d say she had just about hit the nail on the head. Stay with me here. Without adequate jail space what other choice do they have than to just release these animals into the wild and hope for the best? All they can do is hope these buffoons show up for their court dates and/or report to their probation/parole officers.

The Hamilton County sheriff’s office is NOT being paid to baby sit criminals, they are being paid to protect the public. How do you expect them to do their job affectively if they don’t have adequate support or tools? This is like telling a journalist to go report a story with a stone tablet and a chisel! I can’t believe the issue of a new jail is even being debated. With several thousand criminals being released in the last several years due to lack of space and NOW Hamilton County is housing criminals in Butler County because Butler has excessive jail space, the jail problem is obvious.

It’s the 34th week of 2006, as of last Sunday there were 56 homicides in this city and the City of Cincinnati is more concerned with catching speeders and red light runners than protecting us from thieves and murders. You find the sense in that, because I haven’t got a clue. Here’s a thought city council, you take that money you want to use for traffic cameras and you put it towards a new jail. A REAL jail, not this tent city pipe dream Leslie Ghiz is dreaming about. 2 weeks ago I was driving up I-71, and within the span of 1 mile I saw 6 CPD officers and a State Highway Patrolman. The Highway Patrol was gunning speeders and then the CPD officers were pulling them over. There were 3 people pulled over, and 3 officers in waiting. Are you telling me that with more than one person being murdered a week in this crazy city, 6 officers should be sitting between Dane Avenue and the Smith-Edwards Exit? Give me a break Cincinnati. Go find the douche that donkey kicked my door!

Now, onto the sheriff’s comments. Simon says we need to support a new jail “for our own safety�?. AWESOME! I think the sheriff should take notes from the bums about proper ways to beg the middle class for money. Telling people their personal safety is being jeopardized is NOT going to make them give you $225 million for a new jail. It’s going to make them start looking for a new county to call home. Get with it guys, the population of Cincinnati (or just Hamilton County in general) for 2 big reasons, that happen to be married to each other. Crime and a school system that is not only crime-ridden, but is sub-par in comparison to more suburban schools.

Cincinnati Public Schools graduated only 77% of it’s seniors last year. Rounding out the worst of the worst are Aiken, Withrow, and Wooward. These schools were only graduating between 40% and 60% of students in the last few years. Now, my mom is a Withrow grad (I won’t name the year) and according to her, you didn’t even have to show up regularly to just pass. The only suburban schools that can even come close to these low marks are: Hamilton High School (74.2%), New Miami Jr/Sr High School (72%), and Amelia High School (78.8%). For those of you not familiar with these areas, they are mostly lower income areas. The rich kids in Hamilton actually attend neighboring Fairfield and Lakota schools. Cincinnati is trying to combat this issue, but a lack of education leads to a lack of growth and employment opportunities, which leads to crime. Doesn’t take a genius to solve that problem, does it? Meanwhile, suburban schools such as the aforementioned Fairfield and Lakota schools as well as, Little Miami and Mason are boasting over 90% graduation rates.

Now, to the end of my lengthy rant. Do I believe we need a new jail? Absolutely. Do I believe it should cost $225 million to erect. Not a chance. There is already some jail space existing (granted it’s full of criminals at the time), but the space is there nonetheless. A new structure is needed, but beyond that and the increased manpower to staff the building, all that’s really needed is some good books, which I’m sure if he asked nicely, Simon could get donated. That’s right, I think criminals should spend their jail time reading books. Required book reports might not be a bad idea. At least then they’d be forced to get some sort of education…

Random Tasty Treats

I turned on the 11 o’clock news the other night just in time to hear this tasty treat; The Family Dollar store in Roselawn was robbed, suspect was a male seen wearing, and I quote, “a black hoodie and gold teeth”. I have several problems with this short story. First, if you’re an actual news anchor, should you be saying “hoodie”? Shouldn’t you say, “a black hooded sweatshirt”? Please news casters (& writers), step off and leave the slang to us common folk. You know, the ones who aren’t getting paid to know how to write and speak appropriately. Or maybe I was watching Da’ Hood News. Second, why was this guy wearing a hoodie? It was like 90 degrees that day, just slap some pantyhose on your head and move on! Should we just start looking for a dehydrated criminal now? Third, a black hoodie and gold teeth, in Roselawn, that narrows the search down to oh…everyone! If I find out that this robber had a neck injury and was named Derrick Cannon…well, there will be another blog…

Giddy up Gangstas! Gangsters are apparently back in action in upstate New York. A council woman found a severed horses head in her swimming pool. Apparently she has difficulty making offers people can’t refuse, and she certainly seems to know how to make friends and influence people. That’s a heck of a thing to wake up to! I hope she has a strong stomached pool boy.

A man in Covington has been arrested after a hit and run incident. This was no ordinary hit and run, oh no! This guy took it one step further. The driver apparently looked to eyewitnesses as if he was trying to run a stop sign, and he plowed over a teen on a bike. I know, we’ve all joked “2 points for the kid on the bike!”, but we don’t act it out! THEN he asks the teen if he’s ok, and leaves the scene. Here’s how he leaves the scene, by putting his car in reverse and backing over the kid, running him over again. No douche bag, I am NOT ok, you just hit me with a truck, twice. You know, it would be a truck too, afterall, this was in Kentucky ya’ll! So far, it’s not been confirmed if the driver was drunk or if he ran over that poor kid on purpose, twice. My guess is a healthy dose of meth and a Colt 45 led up to this tragedy, afterall..it WAS Kentucky. I bet this guy doesn’t even remember leaving his house.

The Daniel Carter Beard Bridge was closed briefly Wednesday night. Why was it closed? No, not another semi-truck wreck, not another teenager killing themselves by weaving through traffic, but a man was threatening to harm himself. The police were trying to “save” him. Yep, while crack was being smoked, Meth was being made, and Family Dollar’s were being robbed, your tax dollars were going to save someone who doesn’t want to save himself. There was also a police boat on stand-by in the river in case this man chose to really hurt himself and jump. This is probably a good thing, because if he WAS serious about hurting himself, he would’ve jumped in and had himself a drink of that hometown sludge. Honestly, he wasn’t hurting anyone else, hand that man some swimmies and call it a night! (thanks for the input Kristen!)

Finally! A moment I have been waiting for! CPD finally makes me smile. Operation Vortex has expanded it’s horizons to the Westside. Hmm, you mean there’s more than one bad neighborhood in Cincinnati? After setting up a command post at Elder High School (how appropriate), police took off after random drug dealers, gun wielding thugs and prostitutes. Here’s where I smile. A prostitute blamed a CPD officer for her arrest saying, “He actually lured me in!” The command post officer replied with the best one liner I’ve heard in a long time, “That officer did not arrest you for eating a pop tart and drinking a glass of water.” There’s lesson to be learned there kids, shake whatcha momma gave ya, go to jail.

Why I Moved: Pt. 2 – Gun Fights

So what kind of person starts a gun fight on the interstate? An IGNORANT person, that’s who. Don’t we encounter this same potential for violence every time a rapper comes to town? As I recall, the first time 50 Cent performed here the whole town was up in arms over the potential for gun violence. I believe there had been gun violence at several of his previous shows. Although, I laughed the potential violence off as “it’s just another reason for people in Cincinnati to shoot each other.”

I don’t care WHAT started the fight, I just want to let my feelings be known. WHO STARTS A GUN FIGHT WHILE GETTING ON THE INTERSTATE?! Is there nothing better to do at 3 in the morning than to go around shooting people? I guess the Po-Po was too busy saving OTR (which again begs the question WHY? Let it burn already, trust me..the locals will take care of that) to be outside the always crime-ridden Club Ritz. I have an idea for how the situation should’ve been handled: barricade the idiots in and let them kill each other, last one standing goes to jail and the world is a better place with about 20 less ignorant people. No one listens to me.

Best part: CPD says that the entourage did indeed return fire, but they don’t expect to file charges. That’s a great message Cincinnati, “Come to our city, act like an untrained baboon, get out of jail free.” New City Slogan! “Please come and attempt to kill that locals, if you don’t someone else will.” Where’s Super-Mayor Mallory on this one?

I’m not at all shocked that some boob brings 2 or 3 vans full of people to follow him around, and then they end up in a fight with the locals. I wonder if this is what happens in the south at a country-western bar post-Kenny Chesney concert? Although, rednecks would rather spit chew and throw down..rifles don’t fit in those tight wranglers…

Why I’m Moving: Vol. 1

So yeah, we’re moving. Not because my street is inhabited by 93% black people, not because the S.W.A.T. team likes to play across the street, not because of that guy who got shot in a crack fight and then got run over by a car, not because we got robbed..but because ALL of these things. There’s only so much humor that can be had by being INSIDE the police tape because someone else inside that tape is a gun-wielding, crack-snorting retard, and his helmet is missing.

I’ve learned a lot by living within the city limits, things like living in District 3 means it takes about a half hour to get a cop to your house. If you die, at least the 911 operator will get to hear it. I’ve learned that BW-3′s is THE place to be if you’ve just stolen a car. I’ve learned that all black men go by nicknames, like Jay-Jay, Wee-wee or “Big Shot” (he lives down the street and his real name is Michael Jackson). Also, because District 3 is so large, if you think someone might be hurt in place of police officers 911 sends Firemen. Some firemen are hotter than others, but I think that goes for all fire fighters. Like in West Chester, where they make the rookies by groceries at Meijer..and some rookies are pretty (like Ryan Reynolds) and some rookies look more like a male Alanis Morisette.

Today I was sitting on the couch and I heard the screech..you know the screech. And I was like WAIT FOR IT….BANG! So I’m thinking “SWEET!” because I enjoy instant gratification. So I run to the front door and open it and I see a cavalier with a dodge caravan planted in the trunk, and lots of smoke..then I see the caravan in reverse and then I see it speed off..air bags deployed and everything. Nothing says “I’m a wanted felon without car insurance” like a hit and run. So, because I’m a responsible citizen, I called 911. I explained the situation, and it took less than 5 minutes for a cop to arrive. While I’m on the phone, I look up and I’m like “I’m in a Dane Cook sketch”. No Lie, there were people EVERYWHERE, literally in bushes, balconies, porches, windows..and I couldn’t just not laugh at the irony. Back to the cops arriving..they get there in 5 minutes. So…lesson of the day for me: if your house gets robbed, CPD will be there when they finish their “business” at Dunkin Donuts. If you are in a hit and run, they’ll be right over. I should’ve gotten hit by a car that day, it may have sped up the process. Anyways, so I stand there forever because I thought they might need a witness statement, but apparently not. Now, I am just going to ranty rant about the CPD for a bit, because I can. Why is it that I get the SHAFT from the police? Their excuse for time delays on processing evidence collected from my house “well, we caught a serial rapist this week.” Well, that’s all good and well but don’t I pay taxes as well? Am I less important because I didn’t get raped by the Insane Fubu Posse (IFP…they don’t throw faygo, they throw 40′s..or FO-TIES as the locals would say). I mean, I understand the need to prioritize but seriously….2 cops pull these boobs over and they can’t even taze them? What if they come back to my house for the phat farm?? I will be more than raging pissed…..I’ll also be wetting myself.

So yeah, I’m giving up the busy street life here to move to a quiet cul-de-sac in West Chester (hopefully). Violent Crime Stats in 2002 for West Chester were 1.2 violent crimes for every 1000 people. Plus, subdivisions = nosy neighbors = at least someone will see the person who robs me the next time. There’s ALWAYS a depressing upside.

Here’s a forgotten picture that should’ve gone with my last post, slightly modified, here is the senior citizen who was arrested for a 1978 murder:

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I repeat, this is not a bad joke..it’s my life

So, I live in the ghetto. I mean it, I absolutely live in the ghetto. Previously my attitude had been, “I’m not a target for angry black angst because I am white and don’t smoke crack, therefore since I don’t owe them any drug money they will probably leave me alone.” I just want everyone to know if you ever live in the ghetto that sort of thinking will also probably get you robbed. How do I know this? Oh yeah, because it got me robbed.

It happened 2 Fridays ago, and here’s the scenario: I’m upstairs, asleep. 1 or 2, or possibly an entire FUBU posse kicks in my side door, rummages through my purse, steals my car, and I wake up with all my doors open and my dog is all whimpering and scared.

Let’s have some details shall we? First, I could sleep in the middle of a battlefield. You could carry me through the streets of Iraq, and I could sleep through it. Some Bozo Posse kicking in the door that is downstairs & on the opposite side of my house from my bedroom does not warrant so much as a change in breathing from my sleep. So, when I wandered downstairs at 2 in the afternoon, I was none the wiser to my situation. Second, it takes me a good 5 minutes just to figure out what’s going on when I wake up. Like, when I saw 2 of the 3 doors in my house wide open, my car gone from my garage and Aaron’s video camera lying on the ground outside my first thought was NOT “I think I’ve been robbed.” My first though was “what is Aaron doing with a video camera outside?” So, I called him. By the time he got on the phone, I started to wake up and realize what was going on, and thus the hyperventilating commenced. Oh, and to all the haters that are still laughing that I slept until 2, I had previously been awake, but decided my bed was so warm and cozy that I would stay there until I woke up a second time.

Then, Aaron told me to get out of the house, because I wasn’t smart enough to do that on my own. So, then I call 911, and I’m standing outside in pajamas, Adidas sandals, and 80′s hair. By 80′s hair, I mean that when I sleep I toss around so much my hair is teased to perfection for 1987. I also live on a busy street, so here’s the scenario: Skinny white girl with crazy 80′s hair, standing in her jammies for all the west side to see. Oh yeah, while crying like a 10 year old on Rescue 911. Where was William Shatner in my time of need? Making another horrid CD no doubt.

So Aaron beats the police to my house, which is fantastic. I live in the largest district for the CPD, and it apparently takes 25 minutes to get to my house. In case of emergency, you just have to die because CPD won’t be around for awhile. Sounds like there needs to be a re-zoning in order. So I’m an intermittent basket case until the police show up, when I was just raging pissed. Aaron and I are walking through the house and I noticed my wallet was moved from my purse to the kitchen table. Aaron’s credit card was gone, along with my $1. ONE DOLLAR! Is someone kidding me? Am I on “World’s Dumbest Criminals”? I mean, you just robbed me of my car and my security, but the dollar is what put me over the edge. Honestly, the dollar seems like such a moot point, did I really need that extra kick in the junk? I mean, you stole my car, and all the goodies inside. The dollar seems so unnecessary. So Lame.

So then, the police get a CSI lady to my house and she’s casing my house finding blood & fingerprints, which probably belong to me anyways. Then she points out the “workboot print” on the doorframe. Aaron and I both thought “you mean Timberlands?” However, I did get my mouth swabbed all CSI stylee, which made me feel special.

So, then comes a week later. My phone rings, and it is a CPD investigator. She tells me that they found my car, and that it’s in good shape. I think she meant good shape for a stolen car, because it was kind of gross inside, and there’s a huge gash/scratch on the back bumper. As if they were rear-ended. So here’s the deal: I was robbed by Bubba Gump & Co. No Lie.

These bozos pulled out in front of an unmarked police car. When the officer’s pulled them over, Jay Jay & Wee Wee (or Jamal & Tyrone..choose your own adventure here folks) bailed out and ran off. The police “chased” them, but didn’t catch them. Here comes my favorite part. They were 1.1 miles from my house when they were pulled over. 1.1 MILES?! You had my car for a week and couldn’t get more than a mile from my house?? Douche Bags of the MONTH! They didn’t even change the license plate on my car, they just ripped off the Mt. St. Joe parking sticker, which was actually a nice gesture, and doesn’t irritate me at all.

Here’s the best part. They left a bunch of trash and their stuff in my car. They apparently stole my car and headed to BW-3′s and had wings. That’s the most Blackerific thing I’ve ever heard. Steal a car, get beer & chicken. They also left ½ a 2 liter of Pepsi in my car, a tube of lip gloss, 3 coats (Phat Farm, Carhart & some other hooded zip-up sweatshirt) 2 cup holders full of ashes, approximately 50 McDonalds napkins, and a grilled hot dog. Yes..a grilled hot dog. Things they stole from my car: Dell MP3 player (with car charger, and this little mp3 player holder that fits in the cup holder), a 1972 purple bowling ball with my Mom’s name on it. Things they did not steal from my car: bowling bag & shoes, my coat and my Bible. Jesus doesn’t smile on people who steal the Holy Bible, since it specifically says “Thou Shalt Not Steal”. It also says “Vengence is mine saith the Lord”, and if that vengence comes from a Smith & Wesson, I’m cool with that.

The investigator called me and said “they left a bunch of CD’s in your car. I could figure that they weren’t yours.” Which means they were probably, Dr. Dre – Chronic 2000, Snoop Dogg, Ludacris – Beer & Chicken or the like. It’s a good thing I wasn’t getting in touch with my inner thug that week, or I might have lost some good CD’s. She also said she left the coats in my car, because she wasn’t sure who they belonged to, which I think means that there were 3 thug life jackets and a nice wool peacoat and that threw her off. So, I now have 3 coats in my garage that the police have said are now my property and I’m free to do as I please with them. This is what I think I should do with them: When I hear the thieves are arrested I should show up at their arraignment wearing the jacket..just to be completely irritating and tout my new goods. Playa play on!

Things I think that are funny:

- One of the douche bags left their house key in my car, I found it by the drivers seat. I hope this means the guy had to run home and kick in his own door.

- I have their coats. It got very cold over the weekend, and I hope they had to freeze all the way to Deveroe’s to steal more coats.

- They stole a bowling ball that is over 30 years old. They left the shoes and bag. The shoes & bag are new and probably worth more than the ball. Plus the ball has a name on it, and it’s bright purple. It’s not exactly easy to disguise.

- I like to believe this was the series of events: Jay Jay & Wee Wee are driving along, get pulled over by police. Jay Jay is driving, Wee Wee is eating a hot dog. Jay Jay yells, “Wee Wee! Put down that dog playa! We gots to run foo!” Then while Wee Wee is messing with the seat belt, the hot dog falls out of the bun, and he is left to run through the streets with an empty hot dog bun and a bowling ball.

- The reason the police didn’t catch them: The neighborhood where they jumped from the car is full of young African American men without jobs. They all wear the same thing: dark blue jeans, white t-shirts and boots. So, I’m sure it was like “Where’s Waldo” and the police were like “whatever, we got the car back.”

So, the police called to update me today on the lack of updates. Basically they are just waiting for the lab to finish checking the database for fingerprint matches. Also, the police checked the surveillance tapes from the places of receipts Bubba & gang left in my car, but the tapes were awful. Not surprising, everyone knows that when you see those tapes on the news and they’re like “do you know this man robbing the convenient store?” and it looks like a video of 4 rectangles moving around. I’m sure someone out there is like “Tyrone..is that you?!” But I don’t know anyone who looks like rectangles…so it’s fruitless to me.

So that’s my update..i hope you enjoyed.