Which is not a good thing when life is imitating “Super Troopers�?. Headline reads, “Officers Ignored Calls, Played Video Game, Chief Says.�? I’ll give you one guess what department these fine officers work for, yeah, I said work…because they haven’t been fired yet.

So here’s the deal, two officers were assigned to foot duty after not wearing their seat belts in an accident. Fair enough right? I mean, shouldn’t the people enforcing the law follow it? HA! That’s a joke. After leaving role call, they apparently picked up a liter cola and went to play video games and watch TV at a substation in Hyde Park. This went on for TWO MONTHS. Their sergeant apparently even knew about this and his response was allegedly, “I don’t blame you guys I’d do the same thing.�?

While Chief Tom Streicher is outraged and the general public is shocked, I am mildly amused and not surprised. While in a separate district (same department) it took 20 minutes for police to respond to my 9-1-1 call. If it wasn’t an emergency, I probably wouldn’t have called 9-1-1, good job on that guys. Oh, and GREAT job and catching those criminals. Lame. Chief Tom Streicher is afraid people didn’t get the police services that they needed (and pay for with their taxes). I wonder, do people ever get the response needed in this town? Go CPD…keep on wasting tax dollars.

So I was reading the local news websites, looking for blog fodder and boy did I come across a gem! A car crashed into a house near the intersection of Montana & Anaconda, and I thought, “Hmm, I used to live near that intersection.” So I did a little more digging on other news websites

As you can see, there is clearly a car parked into a house. No, that is NOT my old house, that’s my neighbor. That black strip, that’s my old driveway. According to the video I watched, this super (drunk) douche plowed through the fence of my previous home and crashed into my neighbors house. The driver then fled the scene. I think that brings new meaning to 40 oz. to freedom. $50 says CPD can’t manage to find him either. So glad I moved.

So what kind of person starts a gun fight on the interstate? An IGNORANT person, that’s who. Don’t we encounter this same potential for violence every time a rapper comes to town? As I recall, the first time 50 Cent performed here the whole town was up in arms over the potential for gun violence. I believe there had been gun violence at several of his previous shows. Although, I laughed the potential violence off as “it’s just another reason for people in Cincinnati to shoot each other.”

I don’t care WHAT started the fight, I just want to let my feelings be known. WHO STARTS A GUN FIGHT WHILE GETTING ON THE INTERSTATE?! Is there nothing better to do at 3 in the morning than to go around shooting people? I guess the Po-Po was too busy saving OTR (which again begs the question WHY? Let it burn already, trust me..the locals will take care of that) to be outside the always crime-ridden Club Ritz. I have an idea for how the situation should’ve been handled: barricade the idiots in and let them kill each other, last one standing goes to jail and the world is a better place with about 20 less ignorant people. No one listens to me.

Best part: CPD says that the entourage did indeed return fire, but they don’t expect to file charges. That’s a great message Cincinnati, “Come to our city, act like an untrained baboon, get out of jail free.” New City Slogan! “Please come and attempt to kill that locals, if you don’t someone else will.” Where’s Super-Mayor Mallory on this one?

I’m not at all shocked that some boob brings 2 or 3 vans full of people to follow him around, and then they end up in a fight with the locals. I wonder if this is what happens in the south at a country-western bar post-Kenny Chesney concert? Although, rednecks would rather spit chew and throw down..rifles don’t fit in those tight wranglers…

So yeah, we’re moving. Not because my street is inhabited by 93% black people, not because the S.W.A.T. team likes to play across the street, not because of that guy who got shot in a crack fight and then got run over by a car, not because we got robbed..but because ALL of these things. There’s only so much humor that can be had by being INSIDE the police tape because someone else inside that tape is a gun-wielding, crack-snorting retard, and his helmet is missing.

I’ve learned a lot by living within the city limits, things like living in District 3 means it takes about a half hour to get a cop to your house. If you die, at least the 911 operator will get to hear it. I’ve learned that BW-3′s is THE place to be if you’ve just stolen a car. I’ve learned that all black men go by nicknames, like Jay-Jay, Wee-wee or “Big Shot” (he lives down the street and his real name is Michael Jackson). Also, because District 3 is so large, if you think someone might be hurt in place of police officers 911 sends Firemen. Some firemen are hotter than others, but I think that goes for all fire fighters. Like in West Chester, where they make the rookies by groceries at Meijer..and some rookies are pretty (like Ryan Reynolds) and some rookies look more like a male Alanis Morisette.

Today I was sitting on the couch and I heard the screech..you know the screech. And I was like WAIT FOR IT….BANG! So I’m thinking “SWEET!” because I enjoy instant gratification. So I run to the front door and open it and I see a cavalier with a dodge caravan planted in the trunk, and lots of smoke..then I see the caravan in reverse and then I see it speed off..air bags deployed and everything. Nothing says “I’m a wanted felon without car insurance” like a hit and run. So, because I’m a responsible citizen, I called 911. I explained the situation, and it took less than 5 minutes for a cop to arrive. While I’m on the phone, I look up and I’m like “I’m in a Dane Cook sketch”. No Lie, there were people EVERYWHERE, literally in bushes, balconies, porches, windows..and I couldn’t just not laugh at the irony. Back to the cops arriving..they get there in 5 minutes. So…lesson of the day for me: if your house gets robbed, CPD will be there when they finish their “business” at Dunkin Donuts. If you are in a hit and run, they’ll be right over. I should’ve gotten hit by a car that day, it may have sped up the process. Anyways, so I stand there forever because I thought they might need a witness statement, but apparently not. Now, I am just going to ranty rant about the CPD for a bit, because I can. Why is it that I get the SHAFT from the police? Their excuse for time delays on processing evidence collected from my house “well, we caught a serial rapist this week.” Well, that’s all good and well but don’t I pay taxes as well? Am I less important because I didn’t get raped by the Insane Fubu Posse (IFP…they don’t throw faygo, they throw 40′s..or FO-TIES as the locals would say). I mean, I understand the need to prioritize but seriously….2 cops pull these boobs over and they can’t even taze them? What if they come back to my house for the phat farm?? I will be more than raging pissed…..I’ll also be wetting myself.

So yeah, I’m giving up the busy street life here to move to a quiet cul-de-sac in West Chester (hopefully). Violent Crime Stats in 2002 for West Chester were 1.2 violent crimes for every 1000 people. Plus, subdivisions = nosy neighbors = at least someone will see the person who robs me the next time. There’s ALWAYS a depressing upside.

Here’s a forgotten picture that should’ve gone with my last post, slightly modified, here is the senior citizen who was arrested for a 1978 murder:

So, I live in the ghetto. I mean it, I absolutely live in the ghetto. Previously my attitude had been, “I’m not a target for angry black angst because I am white and don’t smoke crack, therefore since I don’t owe them any drug money they will probably leave me alone.” I just want everyone to know if you ever live in the ghetto that sort of thinking will also probably get you robbed. How do I know this? Oh yeah, because it got me robbed.

It happened 2 Fridays ago, and here’s the scenario: I’m upstairs, asleep. 1 or 2, or possibly an entire FUBU posse kicks in my side door, rummages through my purse, steals my car, and I wake up with all my doors open and my dog is all whimpering and scared.

Let’s have some details shall we? First, I could sleep in the middle of a battlefield. You could carry me through the streets of Iraq, and I could sleep through it. Some Bozo Posse kicking in the door that is downstairs & on the opposite side of my house from my bedroom does not warrant so much as a change in breathing from my sleep. So, when I wandered downstairs at 2 in the afternoon, I was none the wiser to my situation. Second, it takes me a good 5 minutes just to figure out what’s going on when I wake up. Like, when I saw 2 of the 3 doors in my house wide open, my car gone from my garage and Aaron’s video camera lying on the ground outside my first thought was NOT “I think I’ve been robbed.” My first though was “what is Aaron doing with a video camera outside?” So, I called him. By the time he got on the phone, I started to wake up and realize what was going on, and thus the hyperventilating commenced. Oh, and to all the haters that are still laughing that I slept until 2, I had previously been awake, but decided my bed was so warm and cozy that I would stay there until I woke up a second time.

Then, Aaron told me to get out of the house, because I wasn’t smart enough to do that on my own. So, then I call 911, and I’m standing outside in pajamas, Adidas sandals, and 80′s hair. By 80′s hair, I mean that when I sleep I toss around so much my hair is teased to perfection for 1987. I also live on a busy street, so here’s the scenario: Skinny white girl with crazy 80′s hair, standing in her jammies for all the west side to see. Oh yeah, while crying like a 10 year old on Rescue 911. Where was William Shatner in my time of need? Making another horrid CD no doubt.

So Aaron beats the police to my house, which is fantastic. I live in the largest district for the CPD, and it apparently takes 25 minutes to get to my house. In case of emergency, you just have to die because CPD won’t be around for awhile. Sounds like there needs to be a re-zoning in order. So I’m an intermittent basket case until the police show up, when I was just raging pissed. Aaron and I are walking through the house and I noticed my wallet was moved from my purse to the kitchen table. Aaron’s credit card was gone, along with my $1. ONE DOLLAR! Is someone kidding me? Am I on “World’s Dumbest Criminals”? I mean, you just robbed me of my car and my security, but the dollar is what put me over the edge. Honestly, the dollar seems like such a moot point, did I really need that extra kick in the junk? I mean, you stole my car, and all the goodies inside. The dollar seems so unnecessary. So Lame.

So then, the police get a CSI lady to my house and she’s casing my house finding blood & fingerprints, which probably belong to me anyways. Then she points out the “workboot print” on the doorframe. Aaron and I both thought “you mean Timberlands?” However, I did get my mouth swabbed all CSI stylee, which made me feel special.

So, then comes a week later. My phone rings, and it is a CPD investigator. She tells me that they found my car, and that it’s in good shape. I think she meant good shape for a stolen car, because it was kind of gross inside, and there’s a huge gash/scratch on the back bumper. As if they were rear-ended. So here’s the deal: I was robbed by Bubba Gump & Co. No Lie.

These bozos pulled out in front of an unmarked police car. When the officer’s pulled them over, Jay Jay & Wee Wee (or Jamal & Tyrone..choose your own adventure here folks) bailed out and ran off. The police “chased” them, but didn’t catch them. Here comes my favorite part. They were 1.1 miles from my house when they were pulled over. 1.1 MILES?! You had my car for a week and couldn’t get more than a mile from my house?? Douche Bags of the MONTH! They didn’t even change the license plate on my car, they just ripped off the Mt. St. Joe parking sticker, which was actually a nice gesture, and doesn’t irritate me at all.

Here’s the best part. They left a bunch of trash and their stuff in my car. They apparently stole my car and headed to BW-3′s and had wings. That’s the most Blackerific thing I’ve ever heard. Steal a car, get beer & chicken. They also left ½ a 2 liter of Pepsi in my car, a tube of lip gloss, 3 coats (Phat Farm, Carhart & some other hooded zip-up sweatshirt) 2 cup holders full of ashes, approximately 50 McDonalds napkins, and a grilled hot dog. Yes..a grilled hot dog. Things they stole from my car: Dell MP3 player (with car charger, and this little mp3 player holder that fits in the cup holder), a 1972 purple bowling ball with my Mom’s name on it. Things they did not steal from my car: bowling bag & shoes, my coat and my Bible. Jesus doesn’t smile on people who steal the Holy Bible, since it specifically says “Thou Shalt Not Steal”. It also says “Vengence is mine saith the Lord”, and if that vengence comes from a Smith & Wesson, I’m cool with that.

The investigator called me and said “they left a bunch of CD’s in your car. I could figure that they weren’t yours.” Which means they were probably, Dr. Dre – Chronic 2000, Snoop Dogg, Ludacris – Beer & Chicken or the like. It’s a good thing I wasn’t getting in touch with my inner thug that week, or I might have lost some good CD’s. She also said she left the coats in my car, because she wasn’t sure who they belonged to, which I think means that there were 3 thug life jackets and a nice wool peacoat and that threw her off. So, I now have 3 coats in my garage that the police have said are now my property and I’m free to do as I please with them. This is what I think I should do with them: When I hear the thieves are arrested I should show up at their arraignment wearing the jacket..just to be completely irritating and tout my new goods. Playa play on!

Things I think that are funny:

- One of the douche bags left their house key in my car, I found it by the drivers seat. I hope this means the guy had to run home and kick in his own door.

- I have their coats. It got very cold over the weekend, and I hope they had to freeze all the way to Deveroe’s to steal more coats.

- They stole a bowling ball that is over 30 years old. They left the shoes and bag. The shoes & bag are new and probably worth more than the ball. Plus the ball has a name on it, and it’s bright purple. It’s not exactly easy to disguise.

- I like to believe this was the series of events: Jay Jay & Wee Wee are driving along, get pulled over by police. Jay Jay is driving, Wee Wee is eating a hot dog. Jay Jay yells, “Wee Wee! Put down that dog playa! We gots to run foo!” Then while Wee Wee is messing with the seat belt, the hot dog falls out of the bun, and he is left to run through the streets with an empty hot dog bun and a bowling ball.

- The reason the police didn’t catch them: The neighborhood where they jumped from the car is full of young African American men without jobs. They all wear the same thing: dark blue jeans, white t-shirts and boots. So, I’m sure it was like “Where’s Waldo” and the police were like “whatever, we got the car back.”

So, the police called to update me today on the lack of updates. Basically they are just waiting for the lab to finish checking the database for fingerprint matches. Also, the police checked the surveillance tapes from the places of receipts Bubba & gang left in my car, but the tapes were awful. Not surprising, everyone knows that when you see those tapes on the news and they’re like “do you know this man robbing the convenient store?” and it looks like a video of 4 rectangles moving around. I’m sure someone out there is like “Tyrone..is that you?!” But I don’t know anyone who looks like rectangles…so it’s fruitless to me.

So that’s my update..i hope you enjoyed.