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NFL Week 8: This Has Gone Too Far

Posted by on October 26, 2008 Leave a Comment

Ok Cincinnati, you’ve made your point, you’re terrible…you can win a game now. Even Oakland has won games. Perhaps Carson is just waiting for his turn to get staph. Seriously, are these boys washing their wounds with Ohio River water?!?!?!?!

Oakland Raiders vs. Baltimore Ravens
Speaking of Oakland, they really pulled a fast one on old Brett’s team by winning last week. They probably won’t be pulling a fast one on Joe Flacco this week. Not unless Ray Lewis tears his triceps tendon again. Ravens by 10. I’m going to miss Lane Kiffin……maybe he can coach the Bengals next year.

Arizona Cardinals vs. Carolina Panthers
If you had told me that in week 8 the Cardinals would be sitting at 4-2, the Bengals 0-7, I would’ve punched you in the face. However here we are, and the Panthers are also 5-2. Further proving how out of control things have gotten in the NFL. This week I anticipate seeing the Panthers move to 6-2, because regardless of their record, the NFC West is a terrible division and cannot be counted on to win games. Carolina by 17.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Dallas Cowboys
Another thing I wouldn’t have done 8 weeks ago is choose Tampa Bay over Dallas. However, that was before Antonio was out with an injury to his “right finger”…as opposed to the wrong one? And “right finger” makes it sound as if he has only one finger on his right hand, which would make him amazing. But he has all 5, intact, except for that paper cut..which makes him just your average cry baby. Tampa Bay by 14.

Washington Redskins vs. Detroit Lions
In this league there are few things you can count on, Detroit losing is one of them. Regardless of Kitna’s injured back, the Lions never had a chance in this game. The Redskins are on fire and will continue to prove that they are actually better than St. Louis, that loss was just a fluke. Redskins by 24.

Buffalo Bills vs. Miami Dolphins
I think that Ronnie Brown trick might have worn out it’s wow factor. I also think that regardless of how I feel about the Bills this season, they are still going to beat the Dolphins. The only hope Miami has is that JP Losman (second most sacked QB in the NFL…and he hasn’t even really played cried since early last season) gets to play. Bills by…..17.

St. Louis Rams vs. New England Patriots
Will crazy ole’ Bill try to run up the score again and risk the health of….his entire defense? Will Brady stop by and rub his staph knee all over Marc Bulger? At 2-4, the Rams are second in the NFC West, I told you it was a terrible division. This winning streak is an outrage. It’s also about to end. If the Brady-less Patriots can defeat the Broncos 41-7, and then turn around and lose to the Rams…..they should be banned from football until Pacman is allowed to play again…and then as punishment, they should be forced to put him on the team. Patriots by 21.

San Diego Chargers vs. New Orleans Saints
Way to send our best to represent, now Philly can just go cry in another country. Since the Chargers have decided that winning is optional this season, I think I’m going to pick the Saints. That and the Saints are closer to their own time zone than the Chargers are in this game..which is really my reason for picking them. Saints by 3.

Kansas City Chiefs vs. New York Jets
Larry Johnson is “disgusted” with himself. Well Larry. we’re disgusted too. We’re kinda disgusted at your whole team actually, but you in particular. Tyler Thigpen will be the starting QB for Kansas City, I know..we’ve never heard of him either. The old Unicorn will of course be on the field for the Jets..he’s kind of like that guy who keeps coming back to high school long after graduation isn’t he? This is a no brainer, Jets by 24.

Atlanta Falcons vs. Philadelphia Eagles
What has gotten into Atlanta? Winning games and stuff! Same old, same old for Philly, Brian Westbrook game time decision..he’s always a game time decision. Andy Reid needs some new tricks. Even at home, I don’t trust the Eagles to win this game. Yes, I just picked Atlanta..by 3..McNabb to cry later, not on camera like his BFF T.O.

Cleveland Browns vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
Kellen Winslow runs mouth, doesn’t get traded…just benched. Good call, Kellen. If I had to guess, I’d say that Derek Anderson is going to get used to the taste of turf this week. Perhaps he should call up that Fat Kid from Findlay and ask how to remove grass stains from his face. The Jaguars are going to walk over the Browns with no problem this week. Jaguars by 14.

Cincinnati Bengals vs. Houston Texans
The Texans are on a huge winning streak. You know, they’ve won 2 games..which is 2 more games than Cincinnat has won. With Carson still nursing his elbow, we’ll be forced to watch Fitzpatrick act as if it’s his first time on the field for the third straight week. The good news is Cedric Benson has been running the ball more than Chris Perry which has really reduced Cincinnati’s game costing fumbles in the fourth quarter. The Bengals are hoping to get a win this week…because it’s pretty much their only hope of getting one this season at this point. Bengals by 3..please..come on guys, put your big boy pants on and get it together.

New York Giants vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
The Giants physical defense will prove they are at least better than the Steelers horrid O-line. I anticipate seeing lots of defense from the Giants and a stumbling, confused Troy Polamalu dancing on the side lines. Seriously, he got knocked stupid last week, he’s going to go the way of Troy Aikman…and end up calling games and sounding stupid on Fox. Perhaps he should call Santonio Holmes and ask about self medicating. Heh heh. Giants by 10!

Seattle Seahawks vs. San Francisco 49′ers
I can’t believe I’m making this call, but the 49′ers are going to win. Without Matt Hasselbeck, the Seahawks are just another terrible team. Plus, their lime green shoelaces tend to annoy me. It’s all so sad, because I really like Mike Holmgren. 49′ers by 3…I mean, they’ll win but they’re still terrible.

Indianapolis Colts vs. Tennessee Titans
I will not be siding with Manning in this game. Sorry Peyton, but your team isn’t as hot as they should be this year and the Titans are still undefeated. Even Eli has lost a game (to the Brown’s…hurl). Even with Kerry Collins the Titans just keep on winning, who saw that coming? Titans by 10.

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NFL Week 7: Bengals Continue Their Quest For First Round Draft Pick (Who Will Inevitably Suck)

Posted by on October 19, 2008 Leave a Comment

Yep, we’re back to normal in Cincinnati. We don’t know what to do if we’re not home to the worst team in the NFL.

Baltimore Ravens vs. Miami Dolphins
I don’t know what has gotten into Miami this season…who do they think they are, winning and stuff? It’s almost as ridiculous as Joe Flacco still playing. In my wildest dreams I would never dreamed I’d be doing this but I’m picking Miami…by 3..against the aging defense of the Ravens.  That whole Ronnie Brown thing…you get the picture.

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Cincinnati Bengals
You can read the title and see how I feel about this game. On my birthday no less…shameful Bengals. Will Carson ever get over this sissy-itis? I mean really dude, it’s way out of hand. When my joints hurt, I still have to go to work. There’s no “injured reserve” for nurses. Anyways, that fat kid from Findlay is going to come to town, there will be more Terrible Towels than Bengals jerseys in the stands and I’ll be at home cheering for the Giants. Steelers by 14….and that’s just at the half. The best thing that can happen here is a Fitzpatrick injury. I’m over him.

New Orleans Saints vs. Carolina Panthers
This game will probably be more exciting than the Bengals/Steelers match up. Sad, huh? Sure, the Saints won last week but really…the Raiders. Not being killed by a fan in silver and black is pretty much a win in and of itself. However facing Jake’s bionic elbow (Carson take note) is a different challenge. The Panthers have been oddly impressive this year, creepy I know. But, I think the Saints can take them. Saints by 3, Drew, please leave your Ray Lewis impressions off the field, I was embarrassed for you.

San Francisco 49′ers vs. New York Giants
Eli, you had better not let me down on my birthday. Getting stomped by the Browns…that was gross. The Browns who could only beat the Bengals were able to beat the Giants. My heart still aches. Meanwhile, the dismal 49′ers are coming to town reminding us how terrible football is on the west coast. Tom Coughlin probably sacrificed someone from the practice squad over last weeks loss to prove his point (and no doubt used the F word a lot…we can read those lips loud and clear, Tom). Giants by 17.

Minnesota Vikings vs. Chicago Bears
I have no reason for hating the Bears as much as I do, I admit it. That being said, I really wish I believed the Vikings had a chance. Even if Rex played, I don’t think the Vikings have a chance. Gus, you’re that bad. Sure, you beat the Lions, but most high school teams could beat the Lions. I picked the Steelers and the Bears…gross. Bears by 10.

Tennessee Titans vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Larry Johnson violates team rules, effectively blows away any chance the Chiefs had of being relatively competitive in this game. No, it’s not realistic to believe they might have won, but they would probably look prettier losing if Larry Johnson played. You see who my pick is…Titans by 7.

San Diego Chargers vs. Buffalo Bills
Finally, a team I believe can beat the Bills….but they’re coming from the West Coast. Trent Edwards is back, proving that JP Losman is still the worlds greatest bench warmer. Man, he’s still fun to pick on, even when he doesn’t play. I’m going to hope this prediction comes true…Phil, dry your tears. San Diego by 10.

Dallas Cowboys vs. St. Louis Rams
With Romo possibly out with a papercut, Adam Jones back to being Pacman, and the Cowboys franchise being hit hard with fines, Jerry Jones is probably locked in a closet drinking moonshine from his boots. Even with all this drama, the Rams still won’t win. You know why? Because they used up their one win of the season last week. Dallas by 14. By the way, Jerry Jones is only 66…..whoa. There’s a public service message in there somewhere…..it might start with wear sunscreen.

Detroit Lions vs. Houston Texans
The Texans will start a winning streak with this game. Kitna is out, which doesn’t really mean much in the grand scheme of things in Detroit…it just means someone even worse than he is will be manning the ship. The Texans even have a chance at a blow out! Meh, maybe not. Houston by 10.

Indianapolis Colts vs. Green Bay Packers
Peyton had extra knee surgery blah blah blah. Why is that the only news coming out of Indy? Meanwhile, Al Harris is out for the Packers. The Packers look nice this season, and the Colts had a rough start but I think they’re on the rebound..Colts by 14.

Cleveland Browns vs. Washington Redskins
Last week the Browns owned the Giants and the Redskins lost to the Rams. This week situation will return to normal and the Redskins will be back on top. There’s no way the Browns will win three in a row, it’s pretty much impossible. They should’ve just stayed home. Redskins by 24.

New York Jets vs. Oakland Raiders
The magical unicorn should hold onto his helmet (and his wallet) this week. I hope there’s a Lambaeu Leap into the Black Hole this week…although watching Favre get stabbed may or may not be the kind of entertainment I’m looking for. What I’m really saying is, the Raiders don’t have a chance. Jets by 7.

Seattle Seahawks vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Seahawks are also competing for worst team in the NFL I think. Seneca Wallis will be starting this week which can only mean one thing. There’s even LESS of a chance that Tampa Bay will lose. Buccaneers by 21.

Denver Broncos vs. New England Patriots
8 weeks ago this seemed like a much more exciting game. With Brady hurt and the inferior Matt Cassel playing, it’s become the kind of Monday Night Football game I could fall asleep to. New England will probably keep it close, but Jay Cutler will pull some sort of trickery at the end and the Broncos will win by like 1. It’s how they are always winning.

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NFL Week 6: No Angst…No Predictions..It’s Lame

Posted by on October 12, 2008 Leave a Comment

Sick husbands, taking care of babies and working have all added up to no time this week. I do have time for this, I watched a clip on NFL.com, Anquan Boldin update which referred to Anquan as having a “fractured sinus”. If sinus is nothing more than empty space, explain HOW it gets fractured. Look clown, you fracture bones NOT sinuses. I should be getting paid for this.

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NFL Week 5: Guess Who’s Back?

Posted by on October 4, 2008 Leave a Comment

Yeah, Chris Henry is no longer suspended…again. Joy.

Tennessee Titans vs. Baltimore Ravens
I’m not sure how it’s possible, but the Ravens are looking marginally good this season. Perhaps it’s not that they look good as much as the teams they have played look that bad. Regardless, I think the Titans can take them this week by 7.

San Diego Chargers vs. Miami Dolphins
This game is a joke right? I mean, I know that the Dolphins managed to beat New England, but..New England is an overrated team full of old men. A one man team of Ronnie Brown won’t be able to match a two man team of LT and Phil Rivers. Face it, we’re going to have to see another Rivers win….Chargers by 21.

Washington Redskins vs. Philadelphia Eagles
Let’s map this out..Eagles lost to the Cowboys who lost to the Redskins. However, the Redskins are a little inconsistent, have a new coach, and well..I just don’t like the Redskins. I hate the Eagles even more though, and I don’t want to hear about how fantastic McNabb thinks he is. But let’s be realistic..the Eagles won’t lose this one at home. Eagles by 10.

Seattle Seahawks vs. New York Giants
Plaxico is still suspended for the second of his two week suspension. It’s ok Eli, you won’t need him. Seattle is still beat up..as they have been all season and Seattle is part of the worst division in football (next to the AFC North perhaps). Eli and friends will have no troubles this week…by 14.

Indianapolis Colts vs. Houston Texans
The Colts are having a rough year, but this will be a nice, relaxing week for them to find their groove. How Peyton got his groove back? He played the terrible Texans. The Texans have forgotten their fantastic start of last season and decided to resort to their typical terrible. Colts by 20.

Kansas City Chiefs vs. Carolina Panthers
I don’t even know what is going on in football this season, especially with the Chiefs winning last week. This is a game I wouldn’t waste my time watching..not even if I was a fan of either of these teams. It’s a flip a coin type prediction that leaves the Chiefs as heads and Panthers as tails. I choose heads…by 3.

Atlanta Falcons vs. Green Bay Packers
After years of standing in Brett’s shadow, Aaron Rogers is a game time decision? He won’t miss the opportunity to show that he deserves to be leading the team. Meanwhile, is Matt Ryan the new magical unicorn? I’m picking the Packers, but only by 3 and only because they are at home.

Chicago Bears vs. Detroit Lions
A division game that the Bears can win! Kyle Orton will be so excited to look semi-talented for a week. Calm down Kyle, it’s the Lions making you look good..not you. Oh the Lions, the only team worse than the Bengals…maybe. Bears by 14.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Denver Broncos
The Buccaneers will not win this week. The Broncos should be ASHAMED of what happened last week and Mike..or as I refer to him as “Leprechaun” probably beat them all week. With sticks and four leaf clovers. Broncos by 10.

Buffalo Bills vs. Arizona Cardinals
Ugh. Do the Bills have the easiest schedule in the NFL this year? I am so tired of them winning…it hurts, it really does. I’m tired of hearing about how awesome they are. It’s the Bills for pity’s sake! They won’t be going to the Super Bowl, but they will be winning this game. By 21.

New England Patriots vs. San Francisco 49′ers
Here’s a game that New England needs to help get back on their feet. Matt Cassel will be able to have some real practice against a team that hasn’t deserved to win a game in like 5 years. Even traveling to the west coast won’t bother the Patriots..when they win by 10. Bill, try to leave the sleeves on your sweatshirt this week.

Cincinnati Bengals vs. Dallas Cowboys
Chris Henry is back, but will it make a difference? Nope. Sorry boys…this hurts my heart greatly..but Antonio and T.O. will not lose two weeks in a row. However, Cincinnati seems content to lose 16 weeks in a row. I can’t believe I’m picking the Cowboys by I am…by 17.

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
Rematch of last year, let’s hope for the same results. The Jaguars can eat through Pittsburgh’s embarrassingly bad offensive line. I wish the Steelers were at home so I could hear them get boo’ed again this week. The worst thing about this game will be John Madden’s constant sympathy for that fat kid from Findlay. Jags by 10.

Minnesota Vikings vs. New Orleans Saints
How did either of these teams earn a spot on Monday night? This is a game I’d not watch if other football were going to be on, I have to be honest. The Vikings are having a terrible year and I think New Orleans will be happy to capitalize on their dismalness. Nope, it wasn’t a word until I typed it.  Saints by 10.

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