Due to the insane amount of studying I’ve been doing I’m going to have to keep this short and sweet. I promise to bring back a healthy dose of football angst next week and apologize for what will be this weeks lameness. Maybe the Bengals will do the same….anyways, on with it.

Kansas City Chiefs vs. Atlanta Falcons

Ahh, a game worth missing. Face it, the Chiefs lost to the Raiders…at home. There’s no excuse for that. Atlanta by 10.

Oakland Raiders vs. Buffalo Bills

There’s a lot of things I wish would happen here, like Trent Edwards getting injured just so I can hear JP Losman again…but that won’t happen. I’d also like the Raiders to win so I could stop hearing about how the Bills are going to take the AFC East and be Super Bowl contenders. That won’t happen either (the Raiders winning, or the Bills being Super Bowl contenders). Bills by 14.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Chicago Bears

I knew that Bears win was just a fluke. They turned around and got beat by Carolina. That’s lame, Urlacher. Predicting this win is like playing darts blind folded. I hope Brian Griese wins just to show Lovie that he should’ve kept him and released those other two bozo’s. Le sigh, Chicago is at home though..so while I cheer for the Bucs, Bears by 3.

Carolina Panters vs. Minnesota Vikings

Gus Frerotte? You’re kidding right? He couldn’t fix the Rams last year…I’m just saying. That alone means Carolina by 17.

Miami Dolphins vs. New England Patriots *AFC East*

Tom Brady is still gone blah blah blah. And the Dolphins are still the Dolphins! You can fix a knee..but for some reason Miami can’t fix terrible playing. Besides, Chad Pennington might look like the Patriots MVP! Patriots by 7.

Cincinnati Bengals vs. New York Giants

Oh Magic 8 Ball, will the Bengals beat the Giants at Giants Stadium after starting 0-2? “My sources say no”. Seriously, if the cramps don’t kill them, their running game will. No way do the Bengals beat Eli and his friends (who can actually play defense by the way). Giants by 21. KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE RUN BENGALS. 2 Pro-Bowl receivers and you run Chris Perry up the middle 90% of the game. Seriously.

Houston Texans vs. Tennessee Titans *AFC South*

Well Cincinnati successfully made Kerry Collins look like a superstar and I think Houston will carry on the tradition. No offense Houston, but you’re not really a football powerhouse. Titans by 21.

Arizona Cardinals vs. Washington Redskins

The Cardinals have started 2-0! The Redskins have started 0-2! Buck stops here boys. I bet Clinton Portis is fire spitting mad. I’m betting his rage will carry the Redskins to victory by the small margin of 7 (or less…)

New Orleans Saints vs. Denver Broncos

The Saints should just send a marching band…with plenty of oxygen tanks. New Orleans will be no match Shanahan’s shenanigans. I wish that guy would dress up like a leprechaun, just once..just for me. Broncos by 24.

Detroit Lions vs. San Francisco 49’ers

Well, SF has a win in their pockets, that’s something. And I bet they get another one this week because I have the feeling the Lions won’t perform well on the West Coast. I can’t believe I’m saying this, 49’ers by 7.

St. Louis Rams vs. Seattle Seahawks *NFC West*

This is the game that Seattle needs to get it together. If they lose to the Rams they might as well join the Canadian Football League. Seattle by 20. You won’t even need wide receivers to beat the Rams.

Cleveland Browns vs. Baltimore Ravens *AFC North*

The Ravens have only showcased their talents once this season so far, against the Bengals. Let that be enough. The Browns will steam roll them, and then Jurevicius will rub his MRSA on them. Browns by 14.

Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Indianapolis Colts *AFC South*

This should actually be an exciting game! The Jags are looking for their first win, the Colts are still trying to piece it all together. Eli is coming home with a win this week, so why not Peyton? Colts by 3.

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Philadelphia Eagles

Coming off of a devastating loss, the Eagles need to bounce back with a win. Why do they NEED to? Because predicting the Steelers to win all the time is giving me a nasty rash. Although cheering for McNabb doesn’t feel much better. Eagles by 14.

Dallas Cowboys vs. Green Bay Packers

Antonio and T.O. are going to Green Bay to drink beer and play football. In that order. I’d like to say that I think Aaron Rogers will start 3-0, but I don’t see it happening. Cowboys by 7.

New York Jets vs. San Diego Chargers

Well, the Chargers have been busy making excuses for why they are 0-2. I get tired of listening to the Chargers make excuses every year for why they are terrible at the beginning of the season and spend the rest of the season fighting for wild card spots. It’s lame, and no one is impressed by you Phil Rivers. However, I’m less impressed by a one-legged unicorn that should’ve stayed retired. Chargers by 17.

Last week was ugly for a lot of should’ve looked better teams. Let’s hope for a better outcome this week.

Green Bay Packers vs. Detroit Lions *NFC North*

So last week I chose the Lions. What an incredibly dumb move. It not only made me look like an idiot in front of those 3 people who read my blog on a semi-regular basis (that includes me), it also got me kicked out of my Survival Football league. Thanks Detroit for really putting a damper on my season. Meanwhile Aaron Rogers (aka – guy you never would’ve heard of without Brett Favre’s indecisiveness) looked like a veteran Pro-Bowler. Lions don’t stand a chance, Green Bay by 17.

New York Giants vs. St. Louis Rams

This is a no brainer. The Rams are looking for a repeat of last season I think, and I don’t think they even have a chance to win until week 9 when they face the Cardinals. Even then, it’s only because everyone has a chance to win against the Cardinals..except the 49’ers. Eli and friends don’t even have to bring their A game to win by 14.

New Orleans Saints vs. Washington Redskins

Last week the Redskins were embarrassed on the road, this week they get to be embarrassed at home! While I don’t think New Orleans is quite a powerhouse, I don’t believe Jim Zorn is going to be putting up his first career W this week. Clinton Portis can only do so much, and that won’t be enough to top Drew Brees and friends this week. New Orleans by 7.

Buffalo Bills vs. Jacksonville Jaguars

The Bills beat the Seahawks and suddenly they’re playoff contenders? Doubtful. I expect the Jaguars to remind us of the Bills we’ve grown to love. And by love I mean, we’re wishing you off to Toronto so we can pretend you’re part of the CFL. The Jags are probably still angry about their loss last week. We’ll see the Jags for their home opener, when they win by 14. Is JP Losman still around? I haven’t heard him crying lately.

Tennessee Titans vs. Cincinnati Bengals

The Bengals aren’t giving up on the run, and considering how ineffective it’s been, that should be enough to send Bob Bratowski looking for a new job. Have no fear fans, he’ll still be here next year, running Chris Perry up the middle, into a block for a loss of 3. Let’s face it, Vince Young’s injury is the Bengals best chance of winning this game, especially if they stick with the run. With fingers crossed I say Cincinnati by 3.

Oakland Raiders vs. Kansas City Chiefs *AFC West*

The Raiders can’t win at home, what makes them think they can win on the road at Arrowhead? Damon Huard likes to play the role of the forgotten hero. He only gets to play when someone is injured to the point of near death. Then it turns out he’s not THAT bad, he’s just old..and people are tired of watching old guys play football (Warner, Favre..Testaverde don’t you even come back again!). However, even old people can beat the Raiders, Chiefs by 14.

Chicago Bears vs. Carolina Panthers

The Panthers looked phenomenal against the Chargers, the Bears beat the Colts. Two things that should’ve never happened in the regular season. You know what else won’t happen in the regular season? The Panthers beating the Bears. Orton or not, the Panthers barely have what it takes to roll out of bed in the morning, much less beat the Bears. It hurts me to say this, Urlacher’s friends by 10. They’re Urlacher’s friends because the Bears are the only team in the NFL who believe offense is optional.

Indianapolis Colts vs. Minnesota Vikings

Everyone is making a huge deal about which of these teams will start 0-2. Let me make it easy for you, it’ll be Minnesota. You’ve seen Tavaris Jackson right? He’s as capable of leading this football team as I am of building an ark. So the Bears defense ate them alive and some how Kyle Orton looked mildly talented, it’s still the Colts. They’ll knock the rust off this week and win by 14.

Atlanta Falcons vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers *NFC South*

Jeff Garcia (and his bad attitude) have been benched this week for the only quarterback Chicago should’ve kept. Meanwhile, Matt Ryan brings his team to town on a huge high after beating Detroit. Hey fellas, it was Detroit. Congratulations, you beat one of the few teams in the NFL worse than you. I think Brian Griese is perfectly capable of defeating the Falcons here, but not by much. Tampa Bay by 7.

San Francisco 49’ers vs. Seattle Seahawks *NFC West*

Regardless of how terrible they looked last week (to the Bill…ugh), the Seahawks will look like superstars this week. Why? Because they’re playing the 49’ers, who much like the Raiders, seem to be in a constant state of disarray that they nicely call “rebuilding”. With Alex Smith out and replaced by some guy you’ve never heard of, who’s been floating around the league since 2002, I predict a blow out at Qwest Field, by 28.

San Diego Chargers vs. Denver Broncos *AFC West*

Someone must’ve passed along my memo to Shawne Merriman that playing football with 2% knee stability is probably a really bad idea. Also, losing to the Panthers at home is probably a really bad idea. The Chargers aren’t very consistent at the beginning of the season for some reason, and that combined with playing at Invesco Field at Mile High means I won’t be picking them this week. Denver by 10. Oh, and can someone get Phil some oxygen, he won’t be able to breath and cry at the same time.

Baltimore Ravens vs. Houston Texans

Good news for fans, this game is being postponed until Monday night, which means no one will be watching this battle of mediocrity. Sorry, but neither of these teams are worth watching when they’re the only game on TV, much less when we can watch Dallas vs. Philly. Taking into consideration the aging Baltimore defense, I’ll give the Texans a win, by 3, in the final seconds of the game. Where’s Troy?

Miami Dolphins vs. Arizona Cardinals

While Battle of Mediocrity goes on in Houston, Battle of the Suck will be going on in Arizona. The Cardinals are too inconsistent to be a sure win over the Dolphins. On the flip side, this might be the Dolphins best chance for a win for several weeks. Oh, who are we kidding, Arizona by 3. It’ll be a nail biter for those 4 people who care about either of these teams.

New England Patriots vs. New York Jets *AFC East*

The Jets have never been more excited. After realizing how terrible they were last year, Eric Mangini started, “Spy Gate”. After realizing how terrible they were going to be this year, Eric Mangini put out a hit on Tom Brady. Let’s be honest, Matt Cassell is the Jets best chance at a win. Remember last year when Matt Cassell came in against the Dolphins just long enough to throw an interception and Ole’ Bill placed him right back on the bench where he belongs? Well, he’ll probably throw more interceptions tomorrow but it won’t matter, Tom Brady was injured, but the entire team didn’t die..and Favre or not, the Jets are still the Jets. New England by 7.

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Cleveland Browns *AFC North*

What? Cleveland on a Sunday Night? The dog pound will be exploding with hopes and dreams of another winning season. It’ll stop there. Between injuries and staph infections, the Browns chances of another 10-6 season are slim to none. Meanwhile, that fat kid from Findlay gets to be the lone over rated quarterback for the season now that Brady is gone. Ugh, picking the Steelers 2 weeks in the row makes me feel yucky. Steelers by 14.

Meanwhile: MRSA 1, Browns 0.

Philadelphia Eagles vs. Dallas Cowboys *NFC East*

This game has been so hyped up, and for the life of my I can’t figure out why. Is it because of the fierce division rivalry? Is it because T.O. gets to play against his old team? Or are we all on pins and needles waiting for Andy Reid’s head to explode? Donovan McInjured had his one good game of the season already, and it’s only week 2. That’s what happens when you play the Rams in week 1. Antonio will have to stop helping old ladies across the street for a few hours, just long enough to send it to T.O in the end zone. Cowboys by 24, Andy Reid’s systolic blood pressure up by 50.

It’s that time again! Are you ready for some football? I’ve decided to revive the world of football predictions, just for your reading pleasure. Savor it, I’ll do my best to keep it up weekly, but with the arrival of my Skeletor, blogging plays second fiddle.

Washington Redskins vs. New York Giants *NFC East*
Oh come on now, like you don’t know who I’m going to pick. I know Jason Campbell is back and healthy, but didn’t the Redskins actually play better with Todd Collins at the helm last year? Let’s be honest here, I just don’t like Clinton Portis. Plus, Eli plugs Oreos, which are America’s favorite cookie. Eli and friends by 10.

Detroit Lions vs. Atlanta Falcons
Well here’s a game worth missing! While the Lions did go 4-0 in the pre-season, I feel another dismal year coming on. Meanwhile, the Falcons might as well shut down their franchise and stop embarrassing Atlanta. Putting all your eggs in the rookie Matt Ryan basket probably won’t pay off for you, Mike Smith, but do the city a favor and don’t quit midseason, wait until you get fired in January to start looking for a new job. Detroit by 17.

Cincinnati Bengals vs. Baltimore Ravens *AFC North*
If I wasn’t a Bengals fan this would probably also be listed under “games worth missing”. Could either of these teams get it together? Let’s be realistic, them Ravens ain’t what they used to be. They had more fans show up to watch Michael Phelps on JumboTron than to actually watch the pre-season Ravens! The regular season Ravens won’t be any more exciting, especially not with Joe Flacco running around. Meanwhile the Bengals have pretty much let go of their entire defense for the sake of keeping a bunch of guys you’ve never heard of. This could be a good or bad thing. Thankfully, we kept Shayne Graham, Bengals by 3. </insert Ray Lewis stabbing joke here></end joke>

Seattle Seahawks vs. Buffalo Bills
The Seahawks are already beat up, and the season hasn’t even started yet. This doesn’t look good for their season. However, their in the NFC West, which does look good for their season. Meanwhile I expect the Bills to look like the typical Bills, close but no cigar. Basically, I hate the Bills and I like Matt Hasselbeck, I think he’s funny, so Seahawks by 3.

New York Jets vs. Miami Dolphins *AFC East*
Time for Chad Pennington to show his old team what he’s made of! Listen Chad, they’ve already seen it, that’s why you’re in Miami now. Old Brett, the magical unicorn, will have to prove it was worth coming out of his 6 month retirement for this. While he’ll spend this week looking spectacular, he’ll be playing against the Dolphins. Bill Parcels can try all he wants to turn them into the Cowboys, but they’re still the Dolphins. Jets by 7.

Kansas City Chiefs vs. New England Patriots
Tom Brady is healthy to play! Uh, ok. Why is this news, as if anyone thought for 2 seconds he wouldn’t? Like Bill would let Matt Cassel play in a real situation. Kansas City might as well just stay home. I mean, I understand it was pre-season, but to get shut out by the Dolphins is not acceptable. EVER. Patriots by 28.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. New Orleans Saints *NFC South*
An evenly matched game, this is probably worth checking in on at the very least. Things look good for our Cajun friends, as Deuce McAllister is back, and they’ve picked up Jeremy Shockey, so barring any bad attitude from him, the Saints should march over the Buccaneers who’ve lost Cadillac Williams for at least 6 weeks and have no quarterbacks worth looking at. Saints by 7.

St. Louis Rams vs. Philadelphia Eagles
Look! A game the Eagles can win! Apparently McNabb thinks “this is the year.” The year for what? Same old song and dance my friend, Westbrook won’t be taking you to the football promised land. You’ll be lucky if he takes you to a Wawa! Meanwhile, to back up Mark Bulger the Rams picked up Trent Green? He’s about 1 concussion away from dead. Eagles by 10.

Houston Texans vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
It pains me to admit the Steelers will win this, it really does. I don’t think the Texans defense will be putting any pressure on that Fat Kid from Findlay. Meanwhile, the Steelers might eat Matt Schaub alive. Steelers by 14.

Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Tennessee Titans *AFC South*
This is a game worth seeing. Really, I’m being honest. While the Colts will still be tops in their league, these are two teams that are fairly evenly matched. I bet at least one of them gets a wild card into the play-offs. I do foresee the Jaguars edging out the Titans this time, by 3.

Dallas Cowboys vs. Cleveland Browns
Here’s a boring match up I’ll probably have to watch. While I hate the Cowboys, and Tony Romo (or as I refer to him as, “the Choke”), I hate the Browns even more. This will be game to prove what a fluke last season was for the Browns. Cowboys by 20.

Carolina Panthers vs. San Diego Chargers
The Panthers ought to just go the way of the Falcons. They look terrible, especially in the AFC South. Meanwhile who knows what the Chargers will do in the early parts of the season. Philip Rivers is a cry baby, and Shawne Merriman is apparently an idiot. Who decides to play football when 50% of the ligaments in their knee are torn. Enjoy that instability. While the Panthers are terrible and the Chargers will win, I won’t be impressed. San Diego by 10.

Arizona Cardinals vs. San Francisco 49’ers *NFC West*
What is this? Suck Bowl Sunday? Kurt Warner will be polishing up his best walker this week while Matt Leinhart sits around and laments the career that could’ve been. What kind of league is this where old guys get to play while Matt Leinhart, Brady Quinn and Troy Smith pace the sidelines? The same kind of league where the 49’ers are terrible every year…Cards by 10.

Chicago Bears vs. Indianapolis Colts
Super Bowl rematch, minus the Rex. Instead, we get the Kyle. It’ll be just as bad, yawn. Brian Urlacher is going to have an aneurysm this season. This is probably going to be a blow out. Peyton and friends will scoff at the Bears (like the rest of us) and then run down the field. Kyle, Rex..get your clipboards out and take notes on what a talented quarterback looks like. Colts by 20.

Minnesota Vikings vs. Green Bay Packers *NFC North*
This would be much more exciting if the Fav-Ray had gone to Minnesota. Instead it becomes a game about two teams no one cares about. Are they still retiring Favre’s jersey? Will he be there? That’s what’s MORE interesting about this game. In the end, Green Bay by 3. Only because the Vikings are that unimpressive.

Denver Broncos vs. Oakland Raiders *AFC West*
This is my Monday Night Football? Wow, what a horrible way to start the season. Supposedly the Raiders could show signs of improvement. That requires what, putting 11 guys on the field? Honestly, anything would be an improvement. Jay Cutler won’t have any trouble leading his team in this game. Broncos by 7.