Which is not a good thing when life is imitating “Super Troopers�?. Headline reads, “Officers Ignored Calls, Played Video Game, Chief Says.�? I’ll give you one guess what department these fine officers work for, yeah, I said work…because they haven’t been fired yet.
Life Imitates Art
NFL Week 8: My Predictions
You know, it’s really too bad the Rams don’t face the Dolphins this year, it would give them a much better chance of a win. I can’t believe I’m picking the Browns. Again, the Football Apocalypse continues. The Rams probably won’t have a chance of winning a game until Nov. 18 against the 49’ers. That being said, Browns…by 10. I feel dirty now.
Roger Goodell is trying to make football the world’s passion by presenting the Miami Dolphins to the world? Well, in Eli we trust….seriously, my awkward one-sided love affair aside, I certainly hope Eli saves face for American football this week. Who am I kidding? Giants by 20. While we’re at it, can we just leave Joey Porter in
Another team with QB drama…but a team that signed Vinny Testaverde. It’s one thing when Vinny beats the Cardinals, but don’t expect another miracle here. Peyton Manning will look like merely a babe as he leads the Colts passed the Panthers by 13. Oh, and let’s hope Vinny doesn’t break a hip out there.
The Bears benched Rexie and started finding a way to win…but not before losing to the Vikings. The Bears were embarrassed by the Lions in the fourth quarter just a month ago. The sting is probably still fresh in Brian Urlacher’s anus. However, the Lions are hot hot hot (as far as the Lions go) this season, and I hate the Bears. Go Lions, by 7. Yay, Kitna!
So, true to form, the media can’t let
Well, halfway into the season and Donovan McNabb is still healthy. There’s the real victory for
With Vince Young returning to the field I don’t see much chance for the Raiders. Daunte Culpepper won’t be able to lift the Raiders passed the Titans, especially not on the road. I pick the Titans by 10.
AGAIN! Teams with QB drama. The Bills benched former starter JP Losman, the Jets refuse to bench dismal Chad Pennington. I suspect that by the second quarter fans in the Meadowlands will be calling for Kellen Clemens..wait, they’re doing that now. Eric Mangini,
With David Garrard out with a high ankle sprain, I think that the Buccaneers will be able to move passed the Jaguars this week. It’s sad to think that a game depends that much on a quarterback, but it’s true. I pick
It appears Qualcomm Stadium will still be standing on Sunday. Which is good for the Chargers, bad for the Texans. I don’t see the Texans winning on the road, not with injuries in the quarterback position (which is UNHEARD of in this league right now..). I see the Chargers winning by 14.
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Perhaps the Saints have started marching? Not that beating the 49’ers really counts as marching, but it’s a start boys. I highly doubt that the return of Alex Smith is really going to do the 49’ers any good this week. It is prettier than Trent Dilfer, but so is an epileptic fit. Drew, Reggie and the rest of the Saints by 10.
Why aren’t we sending the Patriots to
Brett Favre takes his show on the road to
In related QB drama news, Byron Leftwich injured his ankle last week. Oh wait, that’s not really news, just situation normal. Joey Herrington has a week off to celebrate and look for other ways to blow his career.
NFL Week 7: My Predictions
Wow, this could actually be a game. Two teams that were fair at their best last season are both touting winning records. Jon Kitna owes
Vince Young may be sitting out this week, although I doubt it. The Texans started strong, but have dropped 2 of their last 3. Situation back to normal. I think the losing streak continues and Vince Young will go home to show the Texans who’s boss. Titans by 7.
Any team can beat any other team on any given day…unless it’s
Do I even need to say who I am picking for this game? And it’s not just because I have a not so secret crush on Eli. It’s because Trent Dilfer might be the 49’ers best shot at a win. If you’ve seen
Hmm, the last time we saw
It seems as though Bobby Petrino finally got the memo, Joey Herrington sucks. That being said, Byron stopped crying about his ankle for once, and now Joey is crying about his. This means nothing, I give that lineman turned quarterback about 3 quarters and then he’ll look like hop-along. I think this is an evenly matched game, but the Saints got a taste of the W last week and I think they might deserve it more. Saints by 3. Don’t let me down again boys, I voted against you last week and you won. That’s just spiteful!
And the drama continues! Apparently Kurt Warner couldn’t get his walker out of the way fast enough, and thus he is injured. Matt is side-lined for the season, which leaves the Cardinals with some guy you’ve never heard of, and the newly-signed Mr. Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who rightfully lives in his brother’s shadow (he’s no Eli…he tried for a few seasons though). I don’t think there’s a chance in this world the Cardinals will win this week. Redskins by 14. The real victory for the Cardinals is to leave the game with at least 2 quarterbacks intact.
The Cheifs appear to be getting their act together. The Raiders appear to be..well, the Raiders. I don’t anticipate anything mindblowing from this game, just that Kansas City will win, by 7 and Daunte Culpepper will continue to try to make a comeback, somewhere.
This could be an exciting game, that is if anyone cared about the Bears or the Eagles. Mostly, we have two teams that everyone thought would be much better, but aren’t really all that exciting. Assuming that the Bears offense shows up, I think they can easily win by 10.
Dear
TO, I’ve got my popcorn ready this week, give me something to watch. Last week all you did was make me laugh (and stop hating on Tom Brady..which hurt my heart and caused a wicked rash). The Vikings are coming off a huge win, and really, any win for the Vikings is a huge one. However, the Cowboys will be here to ground them in reality once again, and let them know that they are still terrible.
Last season this might have been a much more exciting game, but the last time we saw the Broncos they were being eaten alive by the Chargers. Unfortunately, the Steelers are looking good this season….or perhaps they look good against the dismal teams they are playing. I hope for an upset, but I hope for that every week, Steelers by 17.
Finally, a Monday Night Football worth watching. If Marvin Harrison and Joseph Addai return this week, I think it’s probable that the Jaguars will be crying in their Gatorade by the 4th quarter. Sure, the Jags are 4-1 but they have played teams like
NFL Week 6: My Predictions
Minnesota Vikings vs. Chicago Bears *NFC North Match-Up*
Vikings QB Tavaris Jackson could return this week, but will it even matter? The biggest news story on the Vikings webpage is that they have season ticket holders in all 50 states, and even like 6 other countries. You know your town hates your team when… The Vikings have a better chance of winning if they stay in the locker room eating Campbell’s Chunky Soup until the half. There’s a host of banged up Bears, but I still think they will eat the Vikings alive. Sort of like real bears would do. Chicago by 14.
Miami Dolphins vs. Cleveland Browns
I can’t believe I’m choosing Cleveland because they are definitely the better team. I can’t believe Cleveland is an AFC contender. This really sickens me and causes me to lose faith in the greater good of humanity. This little Brown’s team went to the endzone (and will win by 9), this little Dolphins team had none…and Joey Porter will cry wee! Wee! Wee! all the way home.
Washington Redskins vs. Green Bay Packers
Brett, you broke my heart last week, throwing your record breaking interception. However, this week you’re playing a Redskins team who isn’t fully healthy..wait, I said this last week too didn’t I? It’ll be a game at Lambeau field. I pick the Packers by 3. Don’t mess it up Brett, world peace depends on you.
Houston Texans vs. Jacksonville Jaguars *AFC South Match-Up*
The Jaguars were trying out Mike Vanderjagt? Why? Just shoot yourself in the foot why don’t you….there’s a reason old, cranky Bill Parcell’s kicked him to the curb last year. Actually, for humors sake I wish it would work out. Anyways, in this AFC south battle, they are still playing like any of these teams will win in their division. I pick the Jaguars, because they’re on a roll and really, because I still can’t name a single player for the Texans. Is there a guy with the last name Schaub? I don’t even know….Jags by 7.
Cincinnati Bengals vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Oh Cincy, why do you hate us? Why is everyone injured or suspended?! Le Sigh. I totally believe the Bengals can pull this one out and get themselves back on track. However, the Chiefs are looking to get their offense moving, which is totally possible since the entire defense for the Bengals is sick, or their hand hurts. It’ll be all Who-Dey offense this week, Bengals by 7. PS – Leon Hall, remember to TURN AROUND and WATCH THE PLAY..seriously, I can’t wait until you get beaned in the back of the head by a football.
Tennessee Titans vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Here’s a game I won’t mind missing. Tampa Bay is full of injuries and I foresee Vince Young dancing all over the field. I mean, yeah, Tampa Bay is 3-2, but Tampa Bay beat the Saints and the Rams….it’s not like they re-invented football. Titans will win by 10.
St. Louis Rams vs. Baltimore Ravens
The Rams are really looking to turn things around, and they feel optimistic since they ALMOST beat the Cardinals last week….there’s nothing positive to say about that guys, really…the Cardinals. So I’m sure the Ravens are welcoming you with open arms since Steve McNair can barely move at this point. Both teams are patched up and are held together by slightly more than duct tape and a dream. Common sense says to choose the Ravens, by 13.
Philadelphia Eagles vs. New York Jets
Two evenly matched teams. Evenly matched, yet dismal. Chad Pennington is still limping around like my grandma, should a sprained ankle take this long to heal? I don’t see any way for the Jets to pull in a W this week. I pick the Eagles by 7.
Carolina Panthers vs. Arizona Cardinals
Kurt Warner had better get new wheels on his walker! With Matt Leinart out with injury (not herpes, no Paris jokes please), Kurt is the #1 guy. This doesn’t mean the Cardinals will win, it just means they won’t be shuffling quarterbacks every other series. However, the Panthers have their own QB drama. Jake Delhomme out for the season, David Carr (sucks) is hurt, we might be seeing another Battle of the OLD QB’s as Vinny Testaverde may see some playing time. I hope he took his Geritol! Cardinals by 3.
New England Patriots vs. Dallas Cowboys
Some people think this is the Super-Bowl pre-game. I’m not those people, as I don’t think Dallas is going to the big show and I’m not convinced that the Patriots are going either. Even IF this is the pre-show, it doesn’t get me excited. Tom Brady and his big cheeks will lead the Patriots at Texas Stadium and hand Dallas it’s first loss of the year. T.O. will not be happy. New England by 14. Quick update on Tony Romo’s “zit�? from last week, it wasn’t even a zit, it was a mole. He’s still a 12 year old.
Oakland Raiders vs. San Diego Chargers *AFC West Match-Up*
Who would’ve thought that going into week 6 that the Raiders would lead the AFC West? Of course, I fully predict that by tomorrow evening they will have fallen to 2-3, and Philip Rivers and LT will be celebrating again. I pick the Chargers by 20.
New Orleans Saints vs. Seattle Seahawks
As much as I’d like to see it, I don’t think that the Saints are going to pull it together this week. Don’t get your hopes up for a 12-4 run here, New Orleans. Le Sigh. In other news, why is Matt Hasslebeck trying to be the new Peyton Manning? He’s not funny, and I think I’m the only person outside of Seattle who realizes he’s even IN a commercial (and he’s in 3 or 4 right now). So anyways, back to the game, Shaun Alexander is still crying about his wrist (Look Shaun, you’re a RUNNING back, do you run with your hands? Then dry it up and play!)…but the Seahags will still win by 7 (or less). And as a side note I think the Pats/Cowboys game should totally replace this for Sunday Night Football.
New York Giants vs. Atlanta Falcons
Leftwich, Herrington…who cares. It’s all about the Giants kids. Well, that is as long as Eli hits Plaxico Burress downfield more often than he does DeAngelo Hall. The Falcons might as well close up shop this season as far as I am concerned. Plus, they’ve replaced their dismal quarterback with a guy who’s built like a lineman and has a perpetually sprained ankle. By the way, he’s on the injury report this week (along with about 12 other guys) because of his ankle. Cry me a river, Byron! Go Giants, by 10.
PS – No, I STILL wasn’t excited about last week’s MNF, even at the end of the game. Do you want to know why? (Of course you do, and you really don’t have a choice), because after 5 interceptions and a kick off return the Bills only led by 2. That’s how bad they are.
Totally Unexcited
Again, I am totally unexcited about this week’s Monday Night Football. Plus, school is eating my life this week, which is equally as unexciting. Writing this blog distracts me from the fact that I have 2 finals this week.
Seriously, that Tony Romo. He could be 12 or 25..I don’t even know. I’m disturbed by his baby face. He appears to have a zit this week. Yay, Tony hit puberty.
So yesterday, Miami was on route to win a game. Then Trent Green threw a block. And by “threw a block” I mean knelt down on the field as if to tie his shoe and takes a knee to the head. See Trent kneel, see Trent get knocked retarded (again), good Trent, good. Has Joey Porter stapled his mouth shut yet? Just checking.
Why is Steve McNair still playing? Kyle Boller is NOT so bad that we should be forced to watch number 9 run. Stevie runs like a pregnant lady with a sciatic nerve problem! And the Ravens still won, because th 49′ers are THAT bad. And I think Trent Dilfer had a grand mal seizure when he threw a touch down pass, which does as much for one’s concentration as taking a knee to the head.
Joey Herrington finally got pulled for Byron Leftwich. Good, now Joey can watch his career go down the toilet from a different view point. I’m not surprised that Joey was pulled, I am suprised that this took 3 weeks.
How old is Kurt Warner? Isn’t his walker starting to slow him down?
I am not even cheering for a team in this game. It’s not exciting at all.
Who’s Hot, Who’s Not
Tom Brady might be making more money as a male model than he is playing football, but I’d like to make my own nomination for the next People Magazine’s Sexiest Man of the Year.
 I’m not bothered by dirty cheaters, and I respect a man who chooses to wear a dish rag as a sweatshirt. So rock the sweatshirt Bill, playa, play on.
PS- I do like the hoodie.
NFL Week 5: My Predictions
Detroit Lions vs. Washington Redskins
I believe in you, Jon Kitna! I also believe that without a fully healthy Santana Moss and Clinton Portis, the Redskins don’t stand much of a chance. Plus, the Redskins barely pulled a win over Miami. These aren’t your ordinary Detriot Lions, fellas, this year they mean business. Detroit by 7.
Cleveland Browns vs. New England Patriots
Will the Browns pull an upset? HA! Not unless Bill Belichick replaces his entire team with a pee-week squad and a troop of Brownies. I don’t care how good they looked last week against the Ravens, the Ravens are “to’ up�?? and Steve McNair has no business playing right now, he looks foolish. The Browns aren’t known for being a consistent team either. Let the onslaught commence, Patriots by 28.
Seattle Seahawks vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
Here we are in week 5 and the Steelers are just now playing a team worth it’s weight in licensed NFL merchandise. However, these are two teams who lost to the Cardinals, that’s pretty demoralizing. Maybe Charlie Frye can send a tray of baked goods to the Steelers side, as a thank you for helping him lose his starting job in Cleveland. I hope Seattle wins, by 10. I also hope Pittsburgh runs that retarded reversal they have, you know the one where Big Ben becomes a “blocker�??, but in reality all he does is fall on the ground.
Arizona Cardinals vs. St. Louis Rams *NFC West Match-Up*
Two teams with quarterback woes. Ken Whisenhunt can relish in the fact that when (not if) Matt Leinart starts the suck, he can call up (old) Kurt Warner to make things right again. What do the Rams have to look to? Their starting quarterback is out this week because his ribs are held together by nothing more than duct tape and a dream. Their second string guy is someone I’ve never heard of, so I’m sure he’ll come out fighting. Plus, those Rams fans, they love them some Kurt Warner. I predict the Cardinals to win by 10, and the fans in St. Louis will be cheering louder for Kurt than anyone else.
Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Kansas City has turned on the wins, and I fully believe they’ll continue this streak this week with a 10 point win over Jacksonville. David Garrard doesn’t have such good luck there at Arrowhead. Jack Del Rio will be crying in his Gatorade.
Carolina Panthers vs. New Orleans Saints *NFC South Match-Up*
Coming off the bye week, the Saints had better be well rested and ready to march if they have any chance of a win this week. Jake Delhomme’s elbow is all messed up, David Carr (formerly of the very dismal Texans) might have to play. I hope Drew and Reggie are able to pull it together this week and get over the loss of McAllister. I’m picking the Saints again, but only by 3 or less. I hear that Saints fans, while disappointed, are much more comfortable with a losing team. They didn’t know what to do last year with all of that winning going on.
New York Jets vs. New York Giants
It’s the Battle of New York! We all know I heart Eli, even though he should consider changing his first name to “Not Peyton�??. I fully believe that he will lead the Giants passed Chad Pennington and the Jets. Giants by 10.
Miami Dolphins vs. Houston Texans
Joey Porter will not be pleased..again, as the Dolphins will fall to 0-5 this week. The foul-mouthed loud-mouth will only get louder this week, as the Steelers continue to prove how much they don’t miss him. I predict the Texans to win by 14.
Atlanta Falcons vs. Tennessee Titans
Hmm, Vince Young vs. Joey Herrington? Vince Young, of course! I don’t think the Atlanta defense will be stopping the quarterback rush, or any other runs for that matter. DeAngelo Hall will probably start crying again as well. I pick the Titans by 14.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Indianapolis Colts
I hate to say this, but I think Tampa Bay could pull an upset. I say could, but what I mean is won’t. Call me biased, but Peyton will pretty much always get my vote. The Bucs have a lot of injuries to overcome and I think it’ll be another week before that happens. Colts by 7 again, because they always keep it pretty close.
Baltimore Ravens vs. San Francisco 49’ers
Normally, this game would look pretty lame to me. However, with the very injured Ravens making the trip out west, to play the equally injured 49’ers, this could be battle of the second strings. At this point, Steve McNair really looks like second string and should consider sitting out instead of doing what appears to be a pregnant waddle around out there. It’s really not very manly, Steve. I pick the Ravens by 3.
San Diego Chargers vs. Denver Broncos
The San Diego Chargers are trying to overcome Norv Turner and a host of bad attitudes. The Denver Broncos have to overcome repeated poor performances by Jay Cutler and gang. Let’s be honest, the Broncos have beat two teams that aren’t all that impressive, which makes the Broncos equally unimpressive. I’m giving the Chargers my vote one more time, Chargers by 3.
Chicago Bears vs. Green Bay Packers
The Packers are on fire, the Bears are in disarray. Favre is on fire, the Bear’s have no quarterback, they are just kind of shuffling guys around in the spot until someone can throw more TD’s than interceptions. Green Bay by 3.
Dallas Cowboys vs. Buffalo Bills
You’re kidding, right? I’m supposed to get excited about this game? Well, with JP Losman benched and crying about his MCL, that gives the Bills a better chance of putting up a fight, but who are we kidding? There will be no Dallas upset this week, Cowboys by 17.