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Traffic Still Sucks and China is Still Sticking It To Us

Posted by on September 14, 2007 Leave a Comment

Local news is really slow this week, but with the break in the heat, you can expect violent crime to get back to situation normal.

Traffic is bad and getting worse, according to the Cincinnati Enquirer. No kidding. I-75 has been by far the suckiest piece of road in the Greater Cincinnati area since like 1985, I’m glad OKI, ODOT, and KDOT are finally catching on to this fact. Apparently, the cut in the hill is the worst traffic spot in the area. Wow, with the daily semi-truck flippings, I would never have guessed that. The second worst spot is from Shepherd Lane to Ronald Reagan, which shows how much the author of that article knows. I drive that stretch every day and traffic doesn’t break until you get to the Norwood Lateral, which is about 2 miles south of Ronald Reagan. It’s just slow enough for the Jim Beam plant to invade my car with its stench and make me gag repeatedly. This is sadly not an exaggerated fact, there are mornings when I start to panic and think I’m not going to make it. The paper says this traffic is only going to get much worse between now and 2030, and there are plans to start highway expansions. Well, that’s great, because at the speed Hamilton County moves on road work, if they start next spring it’ll be at least 2035 before it every gets done. Hmm, and they wonder why everyone is moving closer to Dayton.

In world news, parents can expect a 10% increase in the cost of toys this Christmas season, because Mattel can’t be expected to keep the lead out of your toys without your extra money. Parents believe it’s worth the extra money to keep their kids safe. Personally, I think this calls for a boycott more than it calls for the latest Tickle Me Elmo. You’re paying for something that should’ve been done to begin with, and that’s stupid and this is price gouging. The government is raping us for the price of gas and now Mattel is going to rape parents for the price of Christmas? Ahh, the beauty of a capitalistic society. By the way, I don’t know why this is all of the sudden at the forefront of the news, Baby Einstein toys got in trouble years ago for their high lead content and it was widely publicized then that toys from China were full of lead. As for me, I’m going to start blaming Barbie for my own mental retardation.

That’s pretty much it, the news is sloooooooow this week. Is it time for a full moon yet?

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CALL ME NOW!

Posted by on September 10, 2007 Leave a Comment

I might be speaking too soon, but after watching Matt Leinart throw an interception right off the bat, I’m probably not: I am (most likely) 12 for 15 with week 1 predictions. That’s enough to propel me to Miss Cleo status I believe, so get me my crystal ball!

Oh, and admit it haters, you all thought I was CRAZY picking the Bengals over the Ravens. As predicted, the defense held it together for the entire game and the Bengals came out on top.

I’m the new Miss Cleo…</insert bad Jamaican accent here> CALL ME NOW! </end lameness>

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NFL Week 1: My Predictions

Posted by on September 8, 2007 Leave a Comment

So, my husband thinks it’s a good idea for me to hon my psychic skills and make predictions about football each week. My previous track record with actually sticking with things isn’t that great, so we’ll see how it goes. That being said, here’s my predictions for week 1:

New England Patriots vs. New York Jets *AFC EAST MATCH-UP*
Perhaps we should call it the home field disadvantage, as Tom Brady has never lost a game at the Meadowlands and I wouldn’t anticipate him to start now. I vote Patriots all the way.

Denver Broncos vs. Buffalo Bills
Dear Mike Shanahan, just save your first string this week, except Jay Cutler because he needs the experience. No need in risking a Champ Bailey injury against J.P. Losman and those dismal Bills. Again, no contest.

Tennessee Titans vs. Jacksonville Jaguars *AFC SOUTH MATCH-UP*
I think we have a fairly even match-up with this one, so perhaps it will be a good game. My choice is the Titans in a close one, mainly because I think Vince Young will do a better job of controlling the game.

Philadelphia Eagles vs. Green Bay Packers
Brett, why? Why are you still playing? STOP! It hurts us to see how far the mighty have fallen. However, I’m on the fence on this match-up, I mean, have you read Donovan McNabb’s injury report? Who is this guy, Mr. Glass? I vote Brett Fav-Ray to take the Eagles, just barely..unless Kimo Von Oelhoffen gets a hold of him first.

Kansas City Chiefs vs. Houston Texans
Honestly, I can’t name a single player for the Texans, that’s how bad they are. While Larry Johnson hasn’t had much training or practice this year, I think Herm Edwards should just call this “Larry Johnson’s training camp,” and be done with it. Seriously, the Texans…can we annex them to the NFC yet? Chiefs all the way.

Carolina Panthers vs. St. Louis Rams
Honestly, I don’t know anything about either of these two teams. I had to get on NFL.com just to find out who plays for them, and pretty much, I’m going Panthers. For no real reason, just because I rule this site and I say so.
Miami Dolphins vs. Washington Redskins
I pick Clinton Portis and the Redskins to take over the Dolphins, because the Dolphins have a new QB in Trent Green, who as you might recall got ROCKED in the season opener last year against the Bengals. They’ve acquired Joey Porter from the Steelers on defense, but this leaves me unimpressed. Again, I vote Redskins.

Atlanta Falcons vs. Minnesota Vikings
Another even match-up, while the Vikings defense isn’t exactly the, “Purple People Eaters,” anymore, I predict they can hold their own against an Atlanta offense that lost their QB/#1 rusher. Now they’re stuck with Joey Herrington, who got replaced by Jon Kitna..’nuff said. However, the Vikings offense is worse than Joey Herrington, I vote Falcons on this one.

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Cleveland Browns *AFC NORTH MATCH-UP*
I’d love to burn a terrible towel, but it’s clear that the Browns don’t have a chance. If it’s brown, flush it down.

Detriot Lions vs. Oakland Raiders
In the Sunday version of Battle of the Bad, I choose Jon Kitna and the Lions. The Raiders are relying on Daunte Culpepper…Go Lions.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Seattle Seahawks
My vote is definitely for Seattle, because the Seahawks are my vote for NFC Champs this year. Yes, I’m going with Seattle over the Bears and the Saints.

Chicago Bears vs. San Diego Chargers
Do I even need to say who I predict here? Chargers all the way. Brian Urlacher will NOT be carrying to Bears this season, I predict a LaDainian field day.

New York Giants vs. Dallas Cowboys *NFC EAST MATCH-UP*
It’s really a shame Dallas is going to have to lose the opener to the Giants. I’m calling for an Eli Manning break-out season, with the help of Plaxico Burress. Also, I’d like to be the realist to everyone on the Tony Romo bandwagon. He’s the next Ben Roethlisberger, only Tony won’t be winning a Super Bowl in between his break-out season and his downward spiral season. And can someone explain why the Cowboys are part of the AFC East? Makes no sense.

Baltimore Ravens vs. Cincinnati Bengals
I have to go with the underdog Bengals on this one. Steve McNair, Ray Lewis, yeah yeah, I’m not impressed. If the Bengals can hold their defense together for the entire game, Bengals will win, no doubt WHO DEY! PS – Ray Lewis, please, leave your knives at home.

Arizona Cardinals vs. San Francisco 49′ers *NFC WEST MATCH-UP*
Who picked these two for Monday Night Football? I am going to refer to this as Monday’s Battle of the Bad’s and since I don’t think the Cardinals have a prayer’s chance, I’m voting the 49′ers.

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Why Yes, I Am Ready For Some Football

Posted by on September 7, 2007 Leave a Comment

To kick off the 2007 football season, the Indianapolis Colts took on the New Orleans Saints in what should have been a re-match of last years Super Bowl. After all, it was the greatest team in the AFC vs the greatest team in the NFC. That’s right, the Bears are not now, nor will they ever be the best team in the NFC as long as Rexie is at the helm.

If you watched the game, you saw that there were no bathtubs of chili or 10 foot long Po’ Boys. There was a whole lot of Colt offense and very little Saints defense. This further proved my previous blog from January of this year concerning the lack of talent in the NFC. I predict the AFC to dominate the NFC (again), and the Bears not to return to the Super Bowl.

By the way, Rex Grossman says he is currently, “As focused as I’ve ever been.�? Getting focused is an excellent idea Rex, it just might prevent you from losing your job. Rex makes me proud to not be a Bears fan.

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Hey Cincinnati! Slow Down, Keep Your Mouth Shut and Your Pants On!

Posted by on September 1, 2007 Leave a Comment

There was a plethora of stupid news this week and it all started with last Sunday’s paper. The front page of the paper read, “Don’t Speed Here: Arlington Heights Fighting ‘Speed Trap’ Label”. Arlington Heights is a community of approximately a quarter square mile and the cops do nothing but sit in the interstate and gun speeders. The police chief is complaining about the speed trap label because he says they aren’t hiding in bushes or lowering speed limits, therefore they aren’t a speed trap. The mayor felt the need to pipe in with this nugget of wisdom, “If they wouldn’t be speeding, we wouldn’t be out there writing tickets.” However, what this story fails to mention is that Arlington Heights is a “lock your car doors” type of neighborhood. It refers to Arlington Heights as a village of 418 modest, well-kept homes. Um, hello McFly, have you driven through Arlington Heights lately? Did you have your eyes open? Well-kept homes my left foot! In October 2006 I addressed the issue of neighborhoods containing the words, “Hills” or “Heights”, and what that represents, and Arlington Heights is nestled uncomfortably close to Bond Hill. Basically, this headline should’ve read, “Arlington Heights Fighting ‘Ghetto’ Label,” or perhaps they understand that this is a label well deserved. Note to Arlington Heights PD, you might lose that label if you’d get off the highway and patrol your streets, just a suggestion. And no, to those of you wondering none of my 3 speeding tickets have been by an Arlington Heights officer, because I know of their speed trap and I slow down long enough to get through Arlington Heights then I hit the gas again.

Oh, an excellent quote from Jim Baxter, president of the National Motorists Association, “If they are out there writing many, many tickets, it’s a red flag. Perhaps the speed limits are too low for that stretch of highway and just because they didn’t set the speed limits does not absolve them from responsibility for exploiting the system.” Amen! Just a question, does this apply to the highway patrol??

After a fatal stabbing in my old stomping grounds of Westwood, a 19 year old is being charged with aggrivated rioting. I didn’t even know there was such a thing, but anyways, this kid is being charged with starting the fight that resulted in the death of a 16 year old girl, and he chose to run his mouth at the judge. The judge in turn went on a justified power trip and raised his bond from $150,000 to $250,000. Apparently others in the court room applauded at this. I think a more appropriate response would to have large woman sit in the courtroom and play the role of, “Mama”, and when people act stupid, she jumps up and smacks them on the head and yells, “Shut your mouth, fool! Didn’t anyone ever teach you any manners?”

Keep your pants on Cincinnati! STD’s are on the rise as we become the third poorest city in the nation. I believe there’s a correlation somewhere. Epidemiologists from the health department are busy hanging out in bars in order to investigate places where people with STD’s hang out. This sounds like a hasty generalization, but it’s not. Many STD’s are reported to the health department, especially that pesky syphilis, which is so 17th century, and many are found among gay men and IV drug users (look, stereotypes wouldn’t persist if there wasn’t some truth there). Epidemiologists find themselves hanging out in bars and clubs, where the infected are known to prowl, trying to educate the patrons on safe sex practices. That sounds like the worst job ever, by the way. Chlamydia and gonorrhea are also on the rise, and pediatricians from Cincinnati Children’s Hospital are shaming doctors for not addressing the issue with teen girls more appropriately. Perhaps, because we are in a poor area apparently, doctors are more concerned about patients coming in at all and don’t want to scare them off by scolding them for whoring around. Come on, you know how teenage girls are, they would totally take it that way.

Onward, to the poor city, Cincinnati fell from No. 8 to No. 3, behind only Detroit, MI and Buffalo, NY. WHAT?! We are worse than Cleveland? That’s the worst news ever. Mayor Mark Mallory believes there to be a problem with the methodology of this study, but since when is he the foremost expert on construct validity? Cleveland mayor, Frank Jackson, is also in denial, “It really doesn’t mean anything. We went from 1 to 12 to 1. Now we’re 4. That doesn’t really reflect our overall condition.” The tragedy here is not that Cincinnati is full of poverty, the tragedy is that this city has somehow managed to be worse off than both Cleveland and the entire state of Mississippi, how did that happen? I guess the south really will rise again at this rate.

So kids, the lesson of the day is watch out for syphilis and Arlington Heights PD, they’ll get ya!

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