Punching Old Ladies and a Hamilton County Hero

Police in New York are looking for their bag of the week. Some mugger was caught on camera punching a 101 year old woman in the face and then snatching her purse and then punched her again, knocking her and her walker over. All for $33. Then he punched an 85 year old woman in the face and snatched her purse for an undisclosed amount of money. If I had to guess, I’d estimate she probably had about $11.63 in the purse. What kind of person is running around punching very elderly women in the face? A cowardly mugger, that’s who. You’re telling me the only person you’re strong enough to steal from is an elderly woman with a walker? Dear mugger, you’re totally lame, I wish that woman had smacked you with her walker. Maybe next time the old lady will smack him and one of those tennis balls on her walker will fly off and get stuck in his ear.

AGAIN! With the Middletown. A man has been acquitted of molesting his child and giving it an STD. Huh? Apparently there’s a messy divorce going on, and what better way to retaliate against your estranged spouse than accuse him of homosexuality, child molestation and passing on your STD’s. Who needs to pass on the family seed when you can pass on gonorrhea? The wife is being criticized for waiting for 2 years to say anything, while she claims she didn’t wait but has been crying about it for two years and no one would listen. I think this guy is just attracted to crazy, his previous wife is in prison for setting fire to their home and killing their infant son inside. Way to go Middletown, you’re a crazy magnet!

Finally, a Hamilton County elected official I can embrace. Coroner Odell Owens has not only been outspoken about the need to stop violence in this town, he says the things that other people are thinking. Friday night there was a suburban shoot out with police in my hood of West Chester. After a passenger shot an officer during a traffic stop a police chase ensued and ended in a car wreck (so anti-climactic, they all end that way), this passenger runs from the car, shoots at police again (shooting ANOTHER officer). THEN he apparently ripped his shirt like Superman and proceeded to shoot himself in the head. He had 2 other clips of ammunition in his pockets. Odell says, “you don’t walk around with guns and ammo unless you’ve ripped someone off, you’re going to rip someone off, or you’re living in some fantasy land.�? Awesome, it’s like my quote of the week. Oh, and sadly I have predictions here. Since 2 officers were shot, even though the person who actually shot them is dead, one of the other arrested suspects are going to go down for this crime. They should start thinking about a plea….

Ugh! What Time Is It??

This one is totally appropriate due to everyone’s jet lag over the time change. I hate waking up. I know, I know, you’re all saying, “No one likes to wake up.” I’m more than just the normal morning groggy. I’m not even alive until 10 a.m. Anyone who went to high school with me probably remembers me sleeping through the first two classes of the day. I don’t need no stinkin’ algebra 2, I need a nap!!

I’m also a gigantic liar when I first wake up. Go ahead, ask me questions and I will totally lie. When I lived at home my parents would wake me up on Sunday for church and then ask, “Do you have to work today?” In my sleepy haze I would say, “no”. But I worked every Sunday and every Sunday they would get mad at me for lying. I took a neuroanatomy class in college where we discussed sleeping disorders, one of them included something called “Sleep drunkenness”. That’s me. In addition to my lying fury, I also wake up on a regular basis and have no idea where I’m at, what day it is or what’s going on. It’s a good thing I don’t drink, otherwise this could escalate into something hilariously frightening.

According to my mom this is the story of my life, wake up and be super grumpy for at least an hour. Some people are morning people, I am not some people. I would prefer to work second shift (I actually kind of enjoyed the 1-9 or 2-10 shifts) because it allows me to wake up on my own and that tends to decrease the grumpy level by about 3%. Also, I’m 25 years old and cannot wake up with an alarm, my husband wakes me up in the morning. It’s true, I’m totally pathetic.

A Combo Meal of Hate

One of these I’ve blogged about before, and the other one just goes hand in hand with it, so since I’m already like 14 days behind I’m giving you a 2 for the price of 1 deal. Savor it.

I can’t stand it when my groceries are bagged improperly. Sadly, it might be the one thing I’m truly passionate about in this life. I mean, I arrange my groceries on the belt the way that I want them bagged. All those drool babies need to do is follow my pre-made template! However this seems to be an effort in futility, because I always end up standing in the parking lot, in the rain, removing Kaboom! bathroom cleaner from the same bag with grapes. I also end up shaking my fist at the building. A few weeks ago I got stuck with some kid who wanted to ask me 20 questions about my life. So after about the third questions I said, “I’m also really anal retentive about how you bag my groceries, just in case you wanted to know.” Mr. 16 year old Smarty Pants says, “I didn’t.” Now, while I should’ve been taken aback by such boldness I was rather impressed. Sometimes I like when I get what I deserve. THEN halfway through my order he says, “Am I doing a good job? I’d hate for you to have to crap your pants.” Awesome. Kudos to that kid for the feisty banter. Side-note: he did indeed have more than the required 3 brain cells to bag groceries, because I didn’t have to shake my fist at the building.

Your side item of hate is that along with improperly bagging my groceries, I can’t stand paying for poor service. I married this guy who seems to believe “kill ‘em with kindness” and takes it too far. He will indeed tip bad waitresses, he’s the last to speak up because he’d rather pay people and just be done with it. Not I, because I’m so tough. I do not believe in tipping a waitress who brings me the wrong food, then brings me the right food but not prepared right, THEN brings it to me correct but cold. Why am I sending my order back 3 times? I’m the only one in the restaurant!

I was dubbed “The Tip Nazi” by my best friend after a horrible night at Max & Erma’s. It went something like this:
Me: “So what should I leave her? Like a penny?”
Her: “You are the tip nazi!”
It’s true. I am the tip nazi. Tips are earned, and should not be expected. All I ask is that you bring me the proper meal and keep my drink filled. This isn’t a difficult task. It’s not even that much more difficult than bagging groceries, you just have to concentrate on more than one person at a time. My problem arises because I’m the Queen of getting bad service. Karma perhaps? If you’re in a restaurant with me and you hear food hit the floor, it’s mine. If you see a manager at a table, that’s me too. If you hear someone saying, “I need to see a manager because I’m not paying for this. All we ordered was soup and salad and it took you and HOUR to get that. You don’t have to cook it, just dish it out. And it took an HOUR.” That’s me too.

I feel that I am allowed to be so particular because I spent seven years of my life working in a big box retail establishment. I bagged groceries, and I bagged well. I know this because my mom would let me bag her groceries and she is not above telling her own child that they don’t do a good job at a menial task. Then I stocked shelves and I always tried to look for things in the back for people. Granted, I was rude to some people but only after they stuck a coupon in my face and demanded that I find them said item. Or, when they insisted that they bought a box of vitamins at my store even though the package they had was written entirely in Japanese, except for the side where it said “Made in Japan.” OR that guy who yelled in my face, subsequently spitting on me, about dental floss for about 3 minutes and finally goes, “Do you even work here?!” (I was wearing a uniform and a name tag) and I said, “Nope” and walked away.

In general I noticed if I made an attempt to be helpful people were ok with that, I just ask that people make an attempt. Waiting an hour for soup and household poisons in with my grapes is just lazy.

Spring Break, Smokin’ Grannies and Baby Bats

It’s Spring Break so I’ll reward you all with TWO blogs today. Can we say YAY!? Just so you know, everytime I say spring break I want to lift up my shirt. WOO! Honky gone wild!

So, I was perusing through the local news this morning and I see that one of the victims of the “Blue-Eyed Rapist�? is whining that it is taking too long to bring this lamer to justice. Now, I’m sorry that she was violated, but as I recall my house was robbed just days after she was raped and the CSI lady that came to my house told me, “It could take a while to process this case. There’s only one crime lab for the Cincinnati area and when there’s a double rape a home invasion where no one was injured isn’t really a priority.�? So, to this woman I say, at least someone made an effort to FIND your perpetrator. Still, NO KUDOS to Cincinnati Police. NONE.

In more uplifting news, Middletown is FULL of geniuses. Anyone who’s ever been to a retail establishment in Middletown will tell you that the whole town only has about 200 teeth and even fewer brain cells. A man being arraigned on bank robbery charges decided that it was a good idea to scream and curse at the judge. One contempt of court charge later he was awarded 90 days in jail. See Allen curse, see Allen go to jail, dumb Allen, dumb.

One of CNN’s headlines is, “Britney’s Antics Make Kevin Look Like a Good Dad�?. Thanks CNN, we established that fact when she shaved her head, thanks for keeping up.

Here’s one for the kids! A British grand-mammy who CNN has dubbed, “Cannabis Granny�?, is using marijuana to add flavor to her foods. She also claims that it helps her aches and pains. She uses it on her eggs, in casseroles, and in her yummy hot chocolate. Who needs sugar when you can have pot chocolate? She thinks England needs to move into the 21st century with countries like Canada, Spain, or Italy where it is apparently legal to grow 1 cannabis plant for the use of the family. Too bad boomin’ granny has already been arrested several years ago for growing more than one plant with the intent to distribute. Therefore, I declare that defense null and void. She should hook up with the Texas teen who gave his nephews weed. His defense is equally as amusing, “Those kids were going to smoke one way or another anyways. The media is just blowing it up�?. YOU GAVE A TWO YEAR OLD WEED! Anyways, back to granny, this is all begging the question, does she eat because she likes the ganja, or does she eat the ganja and therefore she likes to eat?

Meanwhile, on the proper side of the pond a Pennsylvania woman plead guilty to aggravated assault and endangering the welfare of a child. She used her child as a weapon against her baby daddy! She swung her 4 week old son like a baseball bat during an argument with her boyfriend and while the extent of the boyfriend’s injuries aren’t specified the baby received a fractured skull. Momma says she’s depressed, I say, “You swung your child like a baseball bat!�?. I truly believe that as this child was flying through the air he was crying, “Daddy! Punch her in the baby maker!!�? Enjoy the mugshot.

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I Just Want To Be Entertained!!

Dear Hollywood,

Washington D.C. called and they want their politics back.

Sincerely,

The Rest of America!

I can’t stand movies full of someones political views, be it republican, democratic, or fascist. It’s amazing really, for as much TV as I watch I never seem to know what movie I am seeing. I usually have no clue what it’s going to be about and then I get really upset when I get anal raped for a movie ticket only so someone can tell me how much they hate George Bush. What? I paid 10 bucks so you could tell me that? This is what blogs are for, so exercise your right to vote and if you lose, be an adult and suck it up. I just want to be entertained for 2 hours!

My husband actually tried to argue our friend Thomas and myself (2 against 1 there pal) that the movie, “Children of Men”, was NOT full of political slants. It had 2 or 3 separate scenes where Anti-Bush propaganda was taped to the walls. We’re talking about a movie that takes place in 2027 and there was Anti-Bush news clippings taped to the wall as if he would still be president in 20 years. The bulk of the movie was so blatantly left-sided and somehow Aaron missed this.

I actually might have enjoyed, “An Inconvenient Truth”, a little more if not for the Al Gore flashbacks to losing the race to the White House. Oh Al, no one cares, plant a tree and dry it up. Hasn’t it been almost 8 years? Hasn’t another democrat already lost again? Sorry, I’ll stop being a hypocrit and be a little less right-sided. I wish Al would follow my lead and turn some lights off in his mansion.

I fully expect fictional movies like, “Farenheit 911″, to be full of political slants. It’s like “reality television”. Edited for my pleasure! I want everyone to stop trying so hard for an Oscar and just amuse me. That’s what you’re for Hollywood, amusement. I don’t want to watch “Lord of War” to be educated on gun control, I JUST WANT TO WATCH A MOVIE!