Here it is, the final regular season predictions, I’m posting early and I won’t even be able to see any of these games. Let’s all shed a tear. Actually, let’s cheer and shout that I’ve been able to keep up with this! Also, there’s a plethora of division games this week, and I don’t think any of them matter. Lame.

New England Patriots vs. New York Giants
Now, we all know that I love Eli and that I hate Tom, however I’m no dumb-dumb. Even Tom Coughlin laughed at the prospect of the Giants beating the Patriots. With Matt Shockey gone, a Giants win is completely out of the question. Just the thought is absurd. Look on the bright side Eli, you won’t have to see Tom’s face again until you get to the Super Bowl. Patriots by 24.

Buffalo Bills vs. Philadelphia Eagles
Two teams just playing for fun. Donovan has something to prove, but Trent and friends aren’t likely to drop two in a row. About as likely as the Eagles are to win 3 in a row. Something else that would just be absurd this this week of doesn’t matter games. I shrug my shoulders and put on my no-care face for this game. Bills by 7.

Carolina Panthers vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers *NFC South Match-Up*
Here’s a division game that doesn’t matter in the slightest! The Panthers have had all sorts of quarterback drama this year, to the point that they were willing to bring back old Vinny. Meanwhile Tampa Bay managed to lose to San Francisco. What’s that all about? Clinch the division, turn into suck? I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to work going into the playoffs boys, just a thought. Tampa Bay by 14.

Cincinnati Bengals vs. Miami Dolphins
Well, we saw what Derek Anderson could do for the Bengals, let’s see what Cleo Lemon can bring to Cincy’s table. As long as it isn’t a win, I don’t care. Everyone is playing for fun, except TJ, who is playing for pro-bowl practice. Chad Johnson returns home to Miami to kiss his grandma and hopefully help out his team for a win. Cincinnati by 10.

Tennessee Titans vs. Indianapolis Colts *AFC South Match-Up*
This game doesn’t matter for the Colts at all, Tony Dungee already said Peyton won’t play any more than one half. Meanwhile the Titans are depending on a win to take the wild card spot. What’s up with the AFC South having the potential to rule the playoffs? It’s a tough division that Manning is rocking. While I hope for a Titans win (I would love to see the Browns blow it in the end), I don’t think it’ll happen unless Tony takes a LOT of guys out early. Colts by 7.

Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Houston Texans *AFC South Match-Up*
Puh-lease. Jacksonville is hot hot hot right now and you want me to believe that some guy named Sage is going to beat them? No way. The Jaguars are ridiculous in these past few weeks, and eating the Steelers alive only added to the fury. That AFC South is a tough place to be. Jaguars by 20.

Detroit Lions vs. Green Bay Packers *NFC North Match-Up*
It’s a good thing for Kitna that the Lions fans don’t care enough to show up at home games, much less away games. Otherwise , kick off at 1:00 p.m. /EST, Kitna eaten by real live lions approx 4:30p.m./EST. You think I’m kidding? After not coming through on his 10 game promise, fans are looking for a new quarterback. Not that Kitna shouldn’t be looking for a new career, he’ll be 36 next year and he’s not exactly the next Brett Favre. Even though they dropped it in Chicago, Green Bay will pick it up this week with a win, by 14, over Detroit.

Dallas Cowboys vs. Washington Redskins *NFC East Match-Up*
This is a game that could turn very interesting. The Redskins are somehow still in the wild card hunt, which would make the NFC East look just as tough as the AFC South. Meanwhile T.O is out with a high ankle sprain, and fans and sports announcers alike wonder if the Cowboys should risk Tony Romo’s precious thumb next week. Well ‘boys that depends, do you want to see the Redskins in the playoffs or not? Just a question. Overall, I still think the Cowboys will come out on top, by 10.

Seattle Seahawks vs. Atlanta Falcons
Are the Falcons really still playing? Really? Why? Save yourselves the embarrassment and just go home. Oh wait, bad idea, Bobby Petrino did that and Shannon Sharpe awarded him a bag of coal for Christmas. Although I wish someone would’ve shoved that coal in Shannon Sharpe’s mouth, as Shannon hearted Michael Vick up until this past summer. My how things change. Seattle has a great record against losing teams, so it’s a pretty safe bet that they’ll be winning. Seahawks by 21.

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Baltimore Ravens *AFC North Match-Up*
If Troy Smith doesn’t get another start this week I vote that Brian Billick resign. Seriously, that kid is the Ravens future and everyone besides Brian admits it. That being said, this game means nothing. The Steelers have already won the division and the Ravens don’t have a chance of beating them no matter who plays quarterback. That team fell apart long before they gave Miami their first win. Steelers by 21.

New Orleans Saints vs. Chicago Bears
NFC Championship rematch! The only difference, the Bears are without their quarterback, Rex. This probably works in their favor. After destroying Green Bay somehow, the Bears are ready to take on the Saints, who got destroyed by the Eagles. What? I know, just follow me. Basically what we have here is two teams who are playing for fun because they’re playoff hopes are done. These are also two of the most inconsistent teams in the NFL this season. I don’t even know who to pick realistically, so I’m picking the Saints because I like them more. Saints by 10.

San Francisco 49′ers vs. Cleveland Browns
Cleveland should be coasting into the wild card with this one, however, after blowing it in Cincinnati, Derek Anderson has some work to do. No joke, he was the Bengals MVP last week. He may have completed more passes to Bengals than Carson Palmer. After an upset against Tampa Bay, the 49′ers seemingly have a remote chance to actually beat the Browns this week. I know, it’s amazing, and unlikely. Let’s use our brains here, Browns by 14. Romeo Crennel won’t let Derek Anderson play so poorly two weeks in a row, not without #3 becoming part of a sandwich, RAWR!

Minnesota Vikings vs. Denver Broncos
After dropping it at home against the Redskins, Minnesota is probably just playing for fun at this point as well. This is really the time of the season where guys just start playing like it’s grandma’s backyard. I really think the Vikings will drop this one too, based on the fact that they’ll have to actually play outside. Also because they’ll be playing outside in Denver and won’t be able to breathe. Sorry Vikes, maybe next year. Broncos by 10.

St. Louis Rams vs. Arizona Cardinals *NFC West Match-Up*
Boring. The Rams are terrible and the Cardinals are inconsistent. They almost dropped one to Atlanta, at home. That’s terrible. Even the Rams could’ve done a better job. Which means that next week the Cardinals will play like it’s a playoff game and blow the Rams away. Arizona by 17.

San Diego Chargers vs. Oakland Raiders *AFC West Match-Up*
Yes, the Raiders still have a team. Whether or not they are still playing is debatable. The Chargers will get some pre-playoff practice runs against the Raiders and then most likely will rest most of their starters for the second half. No sense in risking Phil Rivers or LT ya know? Even without the stars, Oakland will look like a D-3 college team. And a bad one at that. San Diego by 14.

Kansas City Chiefs vs. New York Jets
This is a game that is so boring it’s no longer an evening game. It’s been replaced by a game people actually want to watch. Surprisingly sucky teams this year, the Chiefs and the Jets are sort of just battling out the bad in the AFC. Jets fans turned on Eric Mangini about 2 months ago and with all of the running back crap in Kansas City, they cease to care as well. But let’s be honest, the only team the Jets can beat is the Dolphins. That’s no a compliment boys. Chiefs by 21.

Man, these Thursday night games are really throwing me off.

  Pittsburgh Steelers vs. St. Louis Rams
I’m not sure that this game even matters. The Rams aren’t going to beat the Steelers. As much as I would love to believe it’s possible, it’s not. This game looks to be boring and uneventful. Steelers by 21. Announcers to show nothing but love for Big Ben, rest of America to wonder why.

 Dallas Cowboys vs. Carolina Panthers
My guess would be that Matt Moore will start for the Panthers. I don’t think it will matter. After the Cowboys lost in “Jessica-gate�? last week, they will not allow another loss to a second rate team. If Tony plays as bad this week as he did last week, look for T.O. to slap him in the huddle, and then flick off Jessica Simpson. She’s the most hated person in Dallas right now you know? Cowboys by 20. Yes math whiz, that means field goals, Pro-Bowl or not, T.O. still can’t catch.

 Houston Texans vs. Indianapolis Colts *AFC South Match-up*
The Colts are injured, but after clinching a first round bye, I don’t believe they are THAT hurt. I think they are just saving people for the play offs. Smart move, especially when playing the Houston Texans. This game might be close, but it won’t stop Peyton. Colts by 7.

 Green Bay Packers vs. Chicago Bears *AFC North Match-Up*
Wow a 3 game losing streak must leave an awful taste in Brian Urlacher’s mouth. I wonder what the 4 game losing steak tastes like? I suppose I can ask #54 after Sunday’s game. Let’s be honest, the “Brett Pack�? is led by a magical unicorn. The Packers have momentum, the Bears have a  handful of terrible quarterbacks. Packers by 14.

 Cleveland Browns vs. Cincinnati Bengals *AFC North Match-Up*
The Bengals are just playing for fun at this point. However, I’m a little torn. I would love for the Browns to win to hang in there for the AFC title. But I hate the Browns. The realistic side of me realizes that Jamal Lewis might run all over the Bengals. The loyal side of me says play like ya just don’t care. Bengals by 7.

 Oakland Raiders vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
The poor Raiders. From Indy to Jacksonville? That’s a terrible schedule. Well, terrible when you suck as much as the Raiders do. I think the Raiders have been playing for fun all season, unfortunately it’s just not been much fun. Seriously, this is a game so boring it doesn’t deserve to be televised. Jags by 21.

 New York Giants vs. Buffalo Bills
This is the Giants best chance to clinch a wild car spot. They won’t beat New England next week. It’s just not possible. With Matt Shockey done for the season, it makes Eli’s job a little bit more difficult. The Giants have a lot more to play for at this point than the Bills do. I’m picking the Giants of course, but only by 7 or less.

Kansas City Chiefs vs. Detroit Lions
Jon Kitna can’t make good on his 10 win promise, win or lose, he’d be wise to go into hiding right now. To avoid some sort of Detroit-rigged Lions den, Jon Kitna had better step up his game this week against the even worse Chiefs. However, I doubt it. Chiefs by 7.

 Philadelphia Eagles vs. New Orleans Saints
The Eagles had a surprising win last week. What won’t be surprising is when they lose to the Saints this week. The Saints have a shot at the playoffs, the Eagles have a shot at hearing Donovan McNabb whine some more. Hmm, which is more appealing? Saints by 10.

 Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. San Francisco 49’ers
So the Bucs are going to the playoffs? Sounds like a one and out to me. This game doesn’t matter, but in all honesty no one other than the Bengals loses to San Fran. It’s terrible but true. Tampa Bay by 17.

 Atlanta Falcons vs. Arizona Cardinals
So the league is throwing the Cardinals a bone with a late season guarantee win I guess.  The Falcons are so terrible that the majority of the focus is still on Michael Vick. I guess Arthur Blank likes it that way, because it takes the focus off of how bad his team sucks. Cardinals by 17.

 New York Jets vs. Tennessee Titans
Why are the Jets even still playing? Haven’t they been embarrassed enough this year? Oh, it was probably that win over Miami that gave them more hope. Dear Jets, it was MIAMI. That being said, Vince Young will have a record rushing day against the Jets. Pitiful. Titans by 14.

 Baltimore Ravens vs. Seattle Seahawks
Oh please. The Ravens couldn’t beat Miami, what makes anyone think they will beat the Seahawks at Qwest Field? My friend Brian is STILL starting the Kyle-bot, despite excellent performances by Troy Smith. I think it’ll be ugly. Seahawks by 21.

 Miami Dolphins vs. New England Patriots *AFC East Match-Up*
Oh please part 2. Let’s not get our hopes up for a Miami winning streak. They might be able to play against Baltimore, in Miami, but they will NOT beat the Patriots in Massachusetts.  Jason Taylor probably has his hopes up because Tom Brady is on the injured list for like the 87^th straight game. It’s lame Bill, not funny anymore. The Patriots might win by 100. But I’ll be more realistic and just say 34.

 Washington Redskins vs. Minnesota Vikings
This is actually a game to watch. I think the Redskins still think they have a playoff chance, which they don’t..but they’re still dreaming. The Vikings showed resilience last week against Chicago. The Redskins beat Chicago as well. I think we have ourselves an even match here! Vikings by 7.

 Denver Broncos vs. San Diego Chargers *AFC West Match-Up*
The last time these two teams met, Mike Shanahan was embarrassed. I don’t predict this meeting to me anymore pleasurable. The Broncos have no reason left to play. The Chargers are probably going to bite it in the first round of the playoffs, They are just wanting to have fun, you know, ‘cause that’s what girls want. Chargers by 21.

HA! I bet you thought I wouldn’t get this one in on time, but alas, I did. Because I am awesome.

Denver Broncos vs. Houston Texans
With Matt Schaub out, it’s up to some guy named Sage to lead Houston. Lead them where I’m not quite sure, because I don’t think it will be to victory. Denver apparently still thinks they have a chance at the playoffs (why?) so they will be fighting hard. I don’t think that Texans have a fight in them. Broncos by 10. Yeah, they might be fighting hard, but they still aren’t that great.

 Cincinnati Bengals vs. San Francisco 49’ers
An old rivalry. Why is it old? Because it’s been a while since either of these teams has seen a Super Bowl, much less seen each other in the Super Bowl. However, the 49’ers ain’t what they used to be, and they don’t have a stellar field goal kicker like Shayne Graham. Meanwhile, in S.F., some guy you’ve never heard of, who’s made a 5 year career of being a third string, bottom-rung hanger, will probably start. Fabulous. Hopefully the Bengals can keep it together, you know how they can be sometimes. Bengals by 14.

 New York Jets vs. New England Patriots *AFC East Match-Up*
I think it’s safe to say that unless Eric Mangini is handing Bill Belichick a $500,000 personal check, there won’t be any handshaking between these two this week. Meanwhile, Eric Mangini has let it be known that it’s not cheating to tape another team as long as you ask permission. Write that excuse down Bill, you might need it some day. This game is lame. Will the 3-10 Jets beat the 13-0 Patriots, after the Jets outted the Pats as dirty cheaters? Um no. Teddy Bruschi might be saving his leg eating for this week. Patriots by some ridiculous amount. I don’t think a score of 52-3 is out of the question here.

 Tennessee Titans vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Last week the Chiefs were completely embarrassed by the Broncos. This week they’ll probably be embarrassed by the Titans. I don’t mean to be such a downer, but I really don’t think the Chiefs will win. I kinda like Vince Young too. Titans by 10.

 Seattle Seahawks vs. Carolina Panthers
John Fox isn’t naming a QB for this game yet, probably because he knows that even if he played quarterback himself that they would have a better chance than if Old Vinny, David Carr or that other guy I’ve never heard of played. The Seahawks should feel like they won the lottery with this game. Seattle by 30.

 Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
This is a game to watch. The Steelers haven’t looked too impressive the past few weeks. They can blame the nasty field for their two wins, but ugly wins. However, last week they just got what they deserved. While Teddy didn’t eat Ben (which kinda breaks my heart), I don’t know that it will matter much. I hope to see Jacksonville thump the Steelers. And I think they can, Jags by 10.

 Buffalo Bills vs. Cleveland Browns
In a battle for the wild card who will win? Sure the Bills looked outstanding last week, but they were playing a winless team. I just don’t know that the Bills have the defense to contain the Browns. Whoa, it felt funny typing that. Browns by 10.Romeo Crennel, you’ve got some personality, and I like it.

 Green Bay Packers vs. St. Louis Rams
Is this a made up game? I mean, New England HAS to play Miami, they’re in the same division but this is just dumb. NFL.com says that the Rams are looking for a win to pick up momentum for next season. Well guys, it’s always good to plan ahead I suppose. However, even if Marc Bulger DOES return this week, the Rams will still lose. Just use that Brock guy again this week, save Marc for a game that matters. You know, like next season. Green Bay by 24.

 Atlanta Falcons vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers *NFC South Match-up*
Oh Atlanta, just forget this season. Pretend that Michael Vick, Joey Harrington, and Bobby Petrino never happened. I’d say that Byron Leftwich never happened, but really, I don’t think he ever did. There’s not an ice cubes chance that the Falcons will beat Tampa Bay this week. Emmitt Thomas’ pregame pep-talk should go like this, “Well guys, let’s hear it for early draft picks!�? Tampa Bay by 21.

 Arizona Cardinals vs. New Orleans Saints
I believe this is a fairly even match-up. Not because both teams are 6-7, but because both teams are horribly inconsistent. The Cardinals can blow a team away one week (well, blowing away by Arizona’s standards is a little different than by New England’s standards), and blow it all the next. Same with the Saints. Who should I remind you lost to the RAMS. Even Cincinnati beat the Rams…in the rain. I’m going to go with New Orleans, because I just don’t like Kurt Warner because I don’t like old people. Saints by 7.

 Baltimore Ravens vs. Miami Dolphins
Yo! A realistic chance for a Dolphins win! Cleo Lemon will be back as quarterback, not that it helped before, but he can throw farther than 22 yards, which John Beck can’t. However, Brian Billick doesn’t care much for my opinion and is starting the Kyle-Bot again. Brian even says that everyone on his team is giving it their all, but I beg to differ. He’s not even giving it his all as a coach. Whatever. I think this game will be uncomfortably close. I’m tempted to choose Miami, but I’m going to go with Ravens by 3. Afterall, they almost lost to S.F.

 Indianapolis Colts vs. Oakland Raiders
If you saw what the Colts did to the Ravens last week, it’ll be similar to what they do to the Raiders this week. The Raiders are terrible and they lack stability in the quarterback position, as do many teams in the NFL. The difference is that other teams can overcome this issue and the Raiders cannot. Colts by, lets say 27.

 Philadelphia Eagles vs. Dallas Cowboys *NFC East Match-Up*
T.O. against the Eagles..blah blah blah. You see how no one cares anymore right? It’s because Donovan McHorrible can talk all day and never back his mouth up on the field. For some unknown reason Andy Reid is defending Donovan’s horrible performance. Face it Andy, Donovan will NOT be leading your team to the playoffs this season, he’ll be lucky to get to the endzone this week. Dallas by 24 (I think greater embarrassment is possible though). Tony Romo won’t get to the endzone every time either.

 Detroit Lions vs. San Diego Chargers
Philip Rivers may or may not play. Norv Turner joked he’s been helping “coach�? at practice this week. That’s lame Norv, just admit that you’re a terrible coach please. Then apply for a job in Atlanta, I hear there’s an opening. I don’t think it matters much if good ole’ Phil practices or not, the Chargers will still beat the Lions because Detroit is bad enough to give up a late fourth quarter fumble. Stupid Lions. Chargers by 14.

 Washington Redskins vs. New York Giants *NFC East Match-Up*
Crucial game, league game and New York needs to maintain the wild card spot. If they play like they have in the past few weeks they won’t beat the Redskins. However, I think the Redskins have had too much time to celebrate their last win. This should be a great game to watch but I predict (as always) Eli to come out on top. Giants by 7.

 Chicago Bears vs. Minnesota Vikings *NFC North Match-Up*
Without Grossman and Griese what will the Bears do? Win perhaps? Naaah, who am I kidding. The Vikings have looked outstanding the past few weeks, and with all of the drama in Chicago,  I think it’s safe that this game won’t be worth watching. Except to hear the announcers drone on about Rex’s uncertain future. What’s uncertain? He’s terrible, and he’ll probably be the next QB in Atlanta. Vikings by 21.

 

Dear Brian,

I’m not even a Ravens fans but you can’t be serious. For 13 weeks you forced Steve McNair and the Kyle-bot on the American public, all the while you left Troy Smith sitting on the sidelines? That’s terrible. That’s Rex Grossman style coaching, and for that you should be flogged. I’m just saying a quarterback who can move sure beats a quarterback who completes most of his passes to members of the other team. You’re 4-8, what have you got to lose? Dignity? Please……

Chicago Bears vs. Washington Redskins
The still heavy hearted Redskins play host to the depressing Chicago Bears this week. Seriously, Rex Grossman might be the worst thing to happen to Chicago since those fires back in 71! That’s 1871 for those of you without your history books. This is a fairly evenly matched game, and the Redskins have had a very short week. This won’t be working in their favor, but I think they’re full of rage. Hopefully they’ll be full of rage enough to pull off the victory (they held tight with Romo’s boys afterall), Redskins by 7 (as long as they never kick it to Hester, that guy ain’t right).

Miami Dolphins vs. Buffalo Bills *AFC East Match-Up*
Please. The Doll-Phins. Are they even playing at this point or are they just going for the perfect season? I hope they are going for the perfect season because I’d rather see a team go winless than a team go undefeated. It’s much more amusing. Then there’s the Bills and that whiney J.P. Losman. How salty do you feel as the team captain who gets benched..twice. Perhaps there’s a career in Atlanta waiting for him after this year? Until then, Bills by 20. I mean seriously, the Dolphins made the Jets look like Super Bowl champs last week, that’s inexcusable.

Dallas Cowboys vs. Detroit Lions
My how the mighty have fallen. Detroit has to win out to make good on Kitna’s 10 win promise, and it doesn’t look good. Not that I place all the blame on Kitna, he’s been sacked like a gazillion times this season because his offensive line can’t protect him, and well…we’ve seen him run. He makes Carson Palmer look like a track all-star. Meanwhile T.O. should focus more on getting his hands ready and less on all of that popcorn. For the star he thinks he is, he still drops passes like he gets paid per drop. Let’s just be honest here, I love to vote for the underdog, but I’m not stupid. Big D by 17.

Carolina Panthers vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
Battles of the Cats..Meow! I know, lame..lame like this game. However, if a Jaguar meets a Panther in this situation, the Panther is better off just to roll over and play dead. Old Vinny isn’t going to be carrying the team too far here. It’s just not going to happen. I think John Fox is ready to crawl in a hole and die after this season. Can the Panthers stop Maurice Jones-Drew? No. Which is one of 27 reason that they will lose. Jaguars by 14.

Oakland Raiders vs. Green Bay Packers
Oakland? They still have a team? Wait a second, Lane Kiffin had another quarterback up his sleeve and decided in week 12 to play him? Dude, you’er 4-8 and you’re the Raiders..it wasn’t going to get any worse, why not put a cheerleader in? That’s just poor decision making. No, I’m not shocked that the Raiders beat the Broncos either. But they won’t beat that Magical Fav-Ray. Green Bay by 21.

St. Louis Rams vs. Cincinnati Bengals
Wow, they almost have the same record, and the Rams just started winning! Seriously, I can’t watch if the Bengals get beat by the Rams. The Bengals have a good chance to win though, I mean..the Rams are a dismal NFC team. Plus both of their below average quarterbacks are banged up. And they’re old. Let’s make some magic happen boys, Bengals by 14.

San Diego Chargers vs. Tennessee Titans
The Chargers are still making their way toward the playoffs, with or without the guidance of Norv Turner. The Titans are just praying they can make the playoffs. I don’t think they will, but a little prayer never hurt anyone. San Diego by 10. They’ll be tired from the long flight. L.T. might not even run 100 yards.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Houston Texans
Non-league game, and the Texans fell off the win wagon weeks ago (say that 10 times fast). The Bucs went from bad to best for some reason and now, some guy named Schaub or Sage is the only hope of beating the Buccaneers. Well Houston, better luck next week. Tampa Bay by 17.

New York Giants vs. Philadelphia Eagles *NFC East Match-Up*
Did you see Eli against the Bears last week? That boy is a play maker. After a TERRIBLE performance against the Vikings (which I blame on stage fright because his brother was watching..no, I don’t mean Cooper), and enduring a week of media onslaught (that New York media makes me look kind), he came back like a champ. Meanwhile, Andy Reid thinks his Eagles can still make the playoffs. I think Andy Reid has been hanging out with his kids too much. Low blow? Perhaps. But let’s be realistic, Donovan McCrap is coming back this week and I don’t think this fares well for the Eagles. Eli and friends to win, by 10.

Arizona Cardinals vs. Seattle Seahawks
So, the last time these teams met the Cardinals managed to win. What? Who let that happen? But now they must travel to Qwest Field, the loudest stadium known to mankind (I blame that Seattle air), and try to pull off the unthinkable. It’s technically Hasselbeck vs. Hasselbeck this week (although, we know only one of them will play). Seattle will win, by 10. Matthew, make it so.

Minnesota Vikings vs. San Francisco 49’ers
Peterson is back, the 49’ers are terrible….Hmmm, you can already see where this is going. Not to mention it’s a game I just can’t force myself to care about. The Vikings don’t even need a defensive end full of ‘roids to win this game. Vikings by 21. By the way, what’s up with all of these Vikings wins lately?

Cleveland Browns vs. New York Jets
Eric Mangini was just delighted to see his team win another game this season. Wow, that’s 3..2 of those wins against the same winless team. Nice job coach. Face it, you’re not going to beat the Browns. By some cosmic miracle the Browns are probably going to make it to the playoffs. Browns by 14. Let’s face it, they won’t lose two weeks in a row.

Kansas City Chiefs vs. Denver Broncos *AFC West Match-Up*
The Broncos have turned into the Cardinals of the AFC, completely inconsistent. They are supposedly believing they can make it to the playoffs. Really? You lost to the Raiders, that’s gross. Speaking of, even Rexie beat the Raiders. Meanwhile the Chiefs are on a losing streak which also includes a loss to the Raiders. What is up with you people? Simply because the air will be cold and thin and I don’t think the Chiefs will be able to breathe, Broncos by 10.

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. New England Patriots
I have been waiting for this game all season. Not because I am a fan of either of these teams, and not just because this is like the first real game Pittsburgh has played all season. But because I truly believe that Teddy Bruschi will sack that Fat Kid and then literally rip his leg off and take a bite. Please Teddy, for me? Let’s hope the Patriots can pull it together this week. They can start losing next week, just PLEASE beat the Steelers…..by 17. Seriously, get it back together.

Indianapolis Colts vs. Baltimore Ravens
Well, it depends on which version of Kyle Boller that shows up. That guy who played Monday night was NOT Kyle Boller. It was some sort of Kyle-bot. Meanwhile, Eli’s brother is a much better QB than Tom Brady, and he can actually handle being under pressure. Luckily for the Ravens (and the rest of the U.S.) Steve McNair is out for the season, so we can stop being subjected to his awfulness. Although Brian Billick totally earned back some much needed respect this week after smugly blowing Patriots Rodney Harrison a kiss (youtube it if you didn’t see it) in Monday nights game. Hilarious coach, even though your team still managed to blow it in the end. Sorry Brian, I think your team is going to continue to self-destruct this week as well. Colts by 7. They’re keeping it close these days.

New Orleans Saints vs. Atlanta Falcons *NFC South Match-Up*
If the Saints lose to Atlanta, they can just march themselves right on into the Gulf of Mexico. I’m not kidding. I don’t even think the Falcons are trying at this point, they need to play the Dolphins just for a little pick-me up, ya know? That being said, Saints by 14. Bobby Petrino will continue to be blissfully unaware of what is going on. He and Norv Turner probably have a lot in common.

So, I’ve said this repeatedly over the past few months to my husband that Tom Brady is the second most over-rated quarterback in the NFL…beat out only by that fat kid from Findlay, Ohio. Yeah, I said it. Chubby Ben and Tom Brady aren’t fantastical. Brett Farve, now THAT guy is magical like a unicorn. Tom Brady is only as good as his offensive line. He’s a pocket passer only, and if he has to move more than a 3 step drop he’s a fish out of water. A Blitz is like Brady Kryptonite, he doesn’t throw well under pressure, he relies a LOT on Randy Moss to make miraculous plays and to be quite honest, he’s lucky his baby mama hasn’t Tonya Hardinged him behind Gillette Stadium…she must be one classy gal. If T.B. was so awesome, he’d be a better play maker but so far I remain unimpressed.

So, to the next person who sacks T.B. I ask one thing of you, while he’s down look him square in the eye and say, “That’s right Cheeks, taste it.”

Green Bay Packers vs. Dallas Cowboys
This is a highly anticipated game. Sure, the Cowboys have more big names…but the Packers have a magical unicorn steering their ship!! That bein said, magical or not, I don’t think the Packers will edge this one out. However, the Cowboys did almost lose to Buffalo. Whatever, Cowboys by 10.

San Diego Chargers vs. Kansas City Chiefs *AFC West Match-up*
Dear Phil Rivers, don’t tell the fans to shut up when they’re booing. The Chargers aren’t fan favorites these days. Backtracking to say you “love�? the fans later on, not believable. Don’t be so whiney. And perhaps beat the Chiefs. Seriously, the Chiefs lost to the Raiders. You should be booing yourselves if you blow this one, even at Arrowhead. Chargers by 14.

San Francisco 49’ers vs. Carolina Panthers
Seriously, no matter how bad the Panthers season is going it won’t be as bad as losing to the 49’ers. Even the Rams beat the 49’ers. Even old Vinny can stave off the 49’ers defense. Heck, that rookie the fans have been cheering for might even be able to hold down the fort of this one. Panthers by 7 (hey, they’re the better team, but not by much)

Atlanta Falcons vs. St. Louis Rams
Here’s a crappy game I hope I’m not subjected to! Joey and his bird friends take on the Rams. Luckily Bobby Petrino plans on returning to the Falcons next season, so DeAngelo Hall can disrespect him a little more? Who knows. This game shouldn’t even be broadcast it’s so lame. Falcons by 10. I mean..they scored on the Colts, so they’re probably better than the Rams.

Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Indianapolis Colts
This should be a good game. The Jaguars look alright this season, and the Colts are bouncing back from some pretty big injuries. I think that the Colts will be able to pull it together this week and the Jaguars will falls short. Colts by 14.

Seattle Seahawks vs. Philadelphia Eagles
Well, the Eagles are back to McInjured. I’m sure that’ll work out well for them. You know, because A.J. Feeley helped them be the most competitive team to play New England this year. He threw for 345 yards against a robot defense, so naturally Andy Reid would bench him. Go Hasslebeck. Seahawks by 7.

New York Jets vs. Miami Dolphins *AFC East Match-up*
I think this is the battle of the worst of the worst! This is Miami’s best chance yet. Sure, they only let the Steelers win 3-0, but that was more because of the rain than because of their immense talent. I am actually not sure that the Jets can contain the Dolphins. But more than that, I’m hoping for a Dolphins perfect season. Jets by 3..or less. Although..I kinda hope the Dolphins win so the Bengals won’t be able to give them their first win of the season…you know.

Buffalo Bills vs. Washington Redskins
I think there’s drama all around with this game. We all know about the Sean Taylor drama, but Buffalo has QB drama again with Trent Edwards getting the start and JP Losman getting a whole lot of nothing. I think that the Redskins will bounce back and pull out a win. Not to mention that their defense (with or without #21) will over-power that Buffalo offense. Redskins by 13.

Detroit Lions vs. Minnesota Vikings
Now, the Lions will not drop 4 in a row. It’s just not going to happen. It’s about as likely as the Vikings winning two in a row. Jon Kitna has to avoid the lynching and start winning some games. Those Detroit fans aren’t exactly faithful, they’re already looking for a Canadian football team to love. Lions by 17.

Houston Texans vs. Tennessee Texans *AFC South Match-up*
The Texans need to get back on track if they have a chance of making the playoffs. However, they have their own off-field drama with their Chris Henry. We understand, Tennessee. However, the Texans are already over their early season glory days. Vince and friends by 7.

Denver Broncos vs. Oakland Raiders *AFC West Match-up*
The Broncos suffered a disappointing loss this past week at the hands of the even more disappointing Rex Grossman…yeah, that’s right. Pathetic boys. But I doubt they will submit themselves to further embarrassment by losing to the Raiders as well. Broncos by 10.

Cleveland Browns vs. Arizona Cardinals
While the Cardinals suck, they own the AFC north for some reason. I don’t understand, with all the drama in Arizona (at QB) you’d think they’d suck more. However, they are the most inconsistent team in the NFL. I’m picking the Browns by 3.

New York Giants vs. Chicago Bears
Oh Eli, what happened last week? I saw about 10 seconds of the game and I managed to see you throw TWO interceptions? That’s gross. Eli, we don’t like when you channel your inner Rex Grossman. Speaking of Rexie, I guess we’ll be seeing him again this week. Fantastic. Giants by 10.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. New Orleans Saints *NFC South Match-Up*
Can’t I just leave this at Tampa Bay by 17? Do I need the commentary here? All I have to say is, The Rams…the RAMS. That’s why the Saints won’t beat the Buccaneers. Sorry Drew fans, maybe next week.

Cincinnati Bengals vs. Pittsburgh Steelers *AFC North Match-up*
So Pittsburgh isn’t going to re-sod the field for this week’s match up? Classy. Did they not see the field last week? You can’t aerate that. Whatever. For some reason the Bengals enjoy winning at Heinz field more than PBS. I don’t quite understand..oh wait, yes I do. There’s something about shoving a Terrible Towel in a toothless mouth…I get it. Bengals by 7. Stop laughing..haters.

New England Patriots vs. Baltimore Ravens
BOOOOOOOOORING! I don’t care if the Patriots almost lost to the Eagles or not (which by the way, should be totally embarrassing). While the Ravens will lose, kudos to Samari Rolle for making his epilepsy public. That’s fairly courageous, considering that seizures are a serious deal. I fully expect the Patriots winning streak to continue over Kyle Boller or Steve McOld (whoever is playing), Pats by 21. Trust me, Bill won’t let them win by less to such a third rate team.

Green Bay Packers vs. Detriot Lions *NFC North Match-Up*

Now, when I first saw that this was the Thanksgiving day game I thought, “Another LAME Lions game on Thanksgiving.�? However, this could turn out to be a decent watch. The Packers are red hot and the Lions (with the Kitna promise) have dropped 2 in a row. Will they drop 3? Probably. But at least it has the potential to be a decent game. Green Bay by 7.

 New York Jets vs. Dallas Cowboys

Now THIS is a lame Thanksgiving game. Will the 2-8 Jets beat the 9-1 Cowboys? Fat chance. I know, they beat the Steelers, but the Steelers are jerks, they get cocky and then they lose. I don’t think it will take a lot of defense to kill the Jets in this one. Cowboys by 17.

 Indianapolis Colts vs. Atlanta Falcons

The injured Colts get a break this week. Seriously, the Falcons are ridiculous. Big Byron is out this week, not because of his ankle, but because of a bruise tailbone. I can’t roll my eyes enough at the QB situation in Atlanta. I think this game is going to be more like practice than anything else. Colts by 10. Yeah, it’s practice but they’re still banged up.

 Oakland Raiders vs. Kansas City Chiefs *AFC West Match-Up*

The Raiders won’t win at Arrowhead..that’s all you need to know. Yes, I know that Larry Johnson is done and Priest Holmes retired (that was quick), but the Raiders still won’t win. They can’t pull it together long enough to make consecutive plays, and by the 4^th quarter they generally don’t know which way to run. Pitiful. Chiefs by 10.

 New Orleans Saints vs. Carolina Panthers *NFC South Match-Up*

The Saints gave the Rams their first win of the season and now I fear that they might give the Panthers their fifth. Seriously, can the Saints pull it together? The last time I went against them they won just to spite me..and the Panthers are putting a grandpa in at quarterback, so I’m picking Saints by 3.

 Houston Texans vs. Cleveland Browns

I sincerely hope that the Texans put an end to all of this Cleveland winning foolishness. Really, just who does Derek Anderson think he is with all of this winning anyways? While I HOPE the Texans pull off the win, I don’t think it’s likely. Browns by 7.

 Seattle Seahawks vs. St. Louis Rams *NFC West Match-Up*

The Rams are on a winning streak! Too bad it’s about to end. Mike Holmgren will have a stroke if the Seahawks lose to the Rams and we all know it. Matt Hasslebeck will lead his team by 20.

 Washington Redskins vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The Redskins are 5-5, and supposedly had a great defense. I think they can take the Buccaneers, basically because the Buccaneers only look fantastic in their own dismal division. Redskins by 7.

 Tennessee Titans vs. Cincinnati Bengals

Cincinnati, pull it together! I’m not kidding. I’m going to pick the Titans this week simply because common sense says, “If you can’t beat Kurt Warner and his lame-armed fling, you won’t beat Vince Young, the new Michael Vick�?. Maybe Carson won’t throw 4 interceptions this week, and maybe Chad Johnson won’t fumble on the 10 yard line. Tennessee by 7. BOO!

 Buffalo Bills vs. Jacksonville Jaguars

Now here’s a much more even match for the Bills. Last week New England made them look more like a D-3 college team. Yeah JP, it was THAT bad. I think Marv Levy actually left the stadium before the end of the first quarter. I don’t think the Bills will beat the Jags though. They think they’ll make the wild card this year, but that’s because they are dumb. Jags by 14.

 Minnesota Vikings vs. New York Giants

I don’t think the Vikings have a chance if Adrian Peterson doesn’t come back this week.  The Giants have been awesome this season (except against the Cowboys..and I don’t want to talk about that). Eli has found faith in his laser rocket arm. Giants by 14.

 San Francisco 49’ers vs. Arizona Cardinals *NFC West Match-Up*

The Cards are on a winning streak and the 49’ers gave the Rams one of their two wins this season. This means that I don’t think SF has a chance in Arizona. Kurt Warner is apparently amazing when he’s in the process of being tackled. But maybe that’s only against Cincinnat. Cardinals by 13.

 Denver Broncos vs. Chicago Bears

Will Brian Griese make a comeback this week? I mean, Rex had a stellar week against the Seahawks, he didn’t throw a single interception. He didn’t throw any touchdowns either, and we see how that worked out for Chicago. This game is a sort of lateral move. Two teams fighting to shake their sucky reputations. I think the Bears will pull this one out though, Chicago by 7…even if Rex plays.

 Baltimore Ravens vs. San Diego Chargers

Hmm, two dumb coaches. Who will win? Well, I’m going to go with the Chargers because of the injuries and lack of back-up quarterback talent on the Ravens sidelines. Norv Turner’s team will win, but not because of his nuggets of knowledge. Go Chargers, by 10.

 Philadelphia Eagles vs. New England Patriots

Big surprise, Donovan got injured last week. Well, with McInjured being day to day and the other player in their offense, Brian Westbrook being listed on the injured list this should be just as pitiful as the last Patriots game. Lame! Oh look, Tom Brady is on the injured list for like the 27^th straight week. As if we believe that Bill, how stupid do you think we are? Stop being lame, just wear your sweatshirt and stop lying. Pats by…I dunno…42.

 Miami Dolphins vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

ANOTHER lame Monday Night Game, who is in charge of choosing these? I have never cheered for the Dolphins more than I am right now. Do you have any idea how excited I would be to see them blow their perfect season against the Steelers? Not that I think it will happen. I mean, Mike Tomlin has some “significant injuries�? this week but I doubt it will cramp NFL Diddy’s style. Steelers by like 21 or something. Let’s be honest, the Dolphins weren’t even competitive against the Eagles even with Donovan injured!