2006

Merry Christmas!

Posted by Nikki on December 25, 2006 Leave a Comment

It’s a record breaking year in Cincinnati…for homicides, which makes us totally awesome. However, WHAT’S the biggest news story on WKRC.com? The death of James Brown. Yup, it’s official, even the news is completely bored with the news in this town. 83 homicides thus far and CPD is STILL more concerned with speeding motorists than preventing violent crime. Oh, and Simon Leis is still completely crazy. Ask me again why I refuse to live in Hamilton County ever again.

Last year I blessed you all with the 10 Awesomes of Christmas. While I can’t come up with 10 more awesome things, I will bestow a new Christmas awesome on you. Count this as your gift from me, because I don’t even send out cards. My new awesome of Christmas is: My mom owns stock in Scotch tape. She won’t admit it, but if you saw any present she wrapped, you’d understand.

I can remember, as a child, being at Grandma Meyer’s on Christmas day and hearing someone say, “Linda must’ve wrapped this one�??, followed by approximately 3 and a half minutes of ripping and annoyed sighs, only to FINALLY get through all of that paper and tape to discover my mom had taped the box shut as well. I can also remember being a young child…we’re talking like 5 here, and asking my dad for a pocket knife to open the clothes my mom wrapped because I couldn’t get the box open. What’s more awesome? I was 5 and my dad let me use the knife myself.

You know what’s even more awesome? I’ve turned into my mom…..

Filed Under: Holidays, Life in Cincinnati | Tagged:

Gettin’ DIRRTY! Not Really, I Mean, Not Even At All…

Posted by Nikki on December 7, 2006 Leave a Comment

So, I don’t normally air out my dirty laundry (or clean laundry for that matter) online, however I’m making this one time exception for humor’s sake. I’m having a cholecystectomy next week. Don’t ask, google it. Anyways, so today I had to call and pre-register myself. I love the questions that they ask: “Do you drink? Smoke” Do any illegal drugs such as marijuana or cocaine?” Really, just ONCE I want to answer, “I don’t smoke the ganja, but I boot black tar heroin and I use dirty needles, is this going to be a problem?” Maybe next time…

Then I got to answer the fun questions like “Do you have liver disease such as hepatitis? Any sexually transmitted viruses such as HIV or Herpes? Are you pregnant?” Yes, all of the above…except herpes, what kind of girl do you think I am? They did NOT ask if I’m carrying tuberculosis. I plan on coughing all over everything and then announcing the possibility of TB….stay tuned. Actually, don’t stay tuned, because Aaron will ruin all of that intended fun, fo’ sho!

Hmm, this Fly Pen thing, where was it when I was busy not doing my algebra homework? Mrs. Chamberlin and I would’ve gotten along a lot better if I’d had one of those things in high school. I also wouldn’t have had to pretend to care about Amanda’s “boy problems” in order to steal her algebra 2 and calculus homework. DARN YOU CRAZY FLY PEN! You’re 10 years too late.

So, I worked Big & Tall the other night. It’s quite hilarious actually, short and skinny working in big and tall. So this guy comes up with a pair of pants, size 50×29. I’m not lying, they actually make that size..and larger. I was not NEARLY as astounded by his girth as I was by the overpowering smell of Big Mac that followed him. Is it any wonder why his 7 year old certainly out-weighed me by at least 15 pounds? Not that 15 on top of a buck-o-nothing is a big deal, but should a first grader be larger than a 25 year old? I don’t think so. I mean, when McDonald’s actually oozes out of your pores, you’ve spent WAAAY too much money on that Super Size deal. I’m also 94.6% positive that this man was sweating mayonnaise.

Filed Under: Health, Job, Nonsense | Tagged:

A Short Blog To Wet Your Thanksgiving Palate…

Posted by Nikki on November 22, 2006 Leave a Comment

It’s been a while, and the last time I blogged I had to spar with Thomas, so I’m just going to say it’s Thanksgiving, can’t we all just get along? So here’s a short blog:

Last weekend there was a shooting in downtown. Apparently some lunatic is riding around with an assault rifle in his car. He killed one person and injured at least three others (the news gives conflicting reports and I’m far to lazy to sort that out). To echo the thoughts of a co-worker of mine, what ever happened to hand guns?! Wait, scratch that. Whatever happened to a good ole’ fashioned beat down? Or claw hammers. An AK-47? Now that’s just uncalled for, and downright cowardly. To the shooter, I advise you to grow a couple. Seriously.

Yesterday Australian swimming superstar, Ian Thorpe, decided to peace out on swimming at the ripe old age of 24. I am the only person outside of kangaroo country who cares. Who am I supposed to make fun of during the 2008 Summer Olympics? I mean, Michael Phelps DUI was too long ago to bring back up and provides only minimal amusement anyways. The swimming community may lament the loss of a great competitor, I lament the loss of such a ridiculous nickname like “Thorpedo” and all the bad puns that go with it.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Filed Under: Holidays, Life in Cincinnati, Nonsense | Tagged:

Untitled: Because There’s Just So Many Ways To Go…

Posted by Nikki on October 26, 2006 Leave a Comment

I initially thought of so many titles for this blog, such as: “Why Weren’t You Getting Ready For School?�??, “Should You Really Shoot Someone Over a 12 Year Old Car?�??, “Where Were Your Parents?!�??, or “Sometimes People Deserve To Have Their Stuff Stolen�??. However, some people may have found those titles insensitive so I chose the rather ambiguous title (or non-title).

So, here’s the deal, a man with a conceal and carry permit shoots a 14 year old boy for stealing his 1994 Ford Taurus. However, I feel that this genius kind of deserved to have his car stolen. HORROR! You say? No one deserves to have their property stolen! While you might think this is true, you’re wrong. Let me tell you why – if you are so dumb that you go start your car and leave it running, unlocked in the driveway..in Kennedy Heights of all places, you deserve to have your car stolen. Last time I checked, Kennedy Heights was NOT the new Hamilton Township. I mean, a neighbor on this street says “I heard the gunshots and the car wreck, but I didn’t think they were related�??. Notice this man does not say “When I was dialing 9-1-1 to report gunshots I didn’t realize the two noises were related.�?? If you have a nonchalant attitude towards neighborhood gun fire, it should be a clue that you need to move.

Allow me to expand a little on a rule penned by my brother, stolen by me. If it contains the word “heights�?? or “hill(s)�?? in it, it’s probably not a place you want to hang out, much less live. For example, Arlington Heights, Kennedy Heights, Bond Hill, Price Hill..surely you’re getting the point here. If not, you should probably consider a Kevlar vest, because I feel there’s at least an 84.6% chance you’re frequenting these areas and that would really be ill-advised. Oh, and for those of you saying, “College Hill isn’t that bad!�??, that’s because it’s situated next to North College Hill, so comparatively speaking, no it’s not that bad. However, it’s not that good either!

Back to my original story, although I have approximately 54 unanswered questions I’ll spare you the comprehensive list. Why wasn’t this kid at home, getting ready for school? He supposedly lived in Fairmount but was in Kennedy Heights? These places aren’t even close. He’s being referred to as “semi-homeless�?? because his mom had 7 other kids and there was no room in the inn for him. This still doesn’t explain why he’s across town. How does a 14 year old end up with a record that includes breaking and entering and would have included grand theft auto? Where does one get this much free time?

I think there’s an extreme lack of perspective here. A 61 year old man claims his life was threatened by someone stealing his car and driving AWAY from him. Explain this to me, please. While you’re at it, explain to me why you’re shooting someone over a 12 year old car. Don’t cry at me that “it’s all I can afford.�?? Because that’s what you have insurance for, in case your stuff gets stolen. If he didn’t have proper insurance to cover his stolen vehicle, his tough luck. Insurance is asset protection, if you don’t protect your assets then maybe you don’t deserve to have them.This lack of logic may very well fail this old man in the end.

Leading me to my next point, this man is getting to be elderly. I don’t have a problem with legal guns and proper permits, but I think there should be some sort of age limit/rationale test included. It’s a known fact that the most dangerous people behind the wheel are teenagers (which apparently includes 14 year olds..Brian Lowry) and the elderly. What makes us think that these people would be anymore safe with a gun?! The elderly have a slower reaction time and I would guess are more prone to feel threatened because they feel vulnerable in the presence of us whipper-snappers. Qualifying for Medicare does not qualify you to kill ‘em all and let God sort them out.

In the end, you can’t shoot a kid for stealing your property when there’s a large possibility it’s your own fault.

Filed Under: Life in Cincinnati | Tagged:

Why I Am The Tip Nazi

Posted by Nikki on September 24, 2006 Leave a Comment

It was all over the news last week that waiters and waitresses not only expect a tip, but they want a 20% automatic gratuity added to checks. Jigga huh? Let’s discuss this further shall we?

I am notorious for not tipping well. My bestest friend has thus dubbed me “tip nazi”. I believe the conversation at dinner went something like this:
Me: “So, what should I give her, like a penny?”
Kristen: “You are the tip nazi!”
However, I don’t tip well because on average I don’t even get average service. My meal gets dropped, comes out wrong, comes out cold, comes out and I don’t even know what it is because I didn’t order vomit in a bowl, I ordered a chicken wrap. These items don’t even come on the same type of dish!

As a waitress, yes you only make a couple of bucks and a free mint on the hour. However, an overview of your job: write down my order and then bring it out. In some cases, you just have to write it down because a runner brings it out. This isn’t rocket science, it’s food service. Key word being SERVICE. I’m paying for a service and if that service is not provided I don’t feel the need to pay extra for it. I might not outright stiff a waitress (although, I wouldn’t put it passed me), but I’m not giving a $10 tip if my food is cold. You can’t blame the cook if my food is cold, because that means the waitress didn’t bring it out.

Cut them some slack? It’s a stressful job? Yeah, I don’t doubt that, which is why I’m not a waitress. I don’t have the patience for that. However, they signed up for that job, not me. Don’t punish ME because you hate your job. It’s your job to serve people, so stop complaining. You want a better tip, give better service! I don’t ask for much, keep my drink refilled, bring the correct food, and hold the tomatoes.

Filed Under: Grumpy, Nonsense | Tagged:

Hamilton County Needs a New Jail…a Lenghty Blog

Posted by Nikki on August 25, 2006 6 Comments

Ok, I haven’t touched on the Hamilton County Jail issue yet, because I didn’t really think I had much to say. Thoughts tend to lie dormant in my mind and suddenly I’ve got so much to say and so little time. Comments made last week by our own Hamilton County Sheriff Simon Leis (who couldn’t look or act MORE like the poster child for “Grumpy Old Men�??) and some random lady from Westwood or Cheviot or who cares because the west side is all the same, caused me to become conscious of my feelings concerning this issue. I’ll start with the latter of the two comments.

Random Lady says, “If you don’t want to build a new jail I’m sure Sheriff Simon Leis will be more than happy to drop these criminals off at your house so you can baby sit them.�?? Yeah, that might not be a direct quote, so don’t lynch me. She did say that part about baby sitting though, which I think is hilarious. Number one, threatening to drop criminals off at people’s houses, mental image = more than mildly amusing. Plus it beats the heck out of dropping them off in Butler County. What if they escape?! Well, then they’d have to contend with Big Rick Jones, and he pretty much hates everyone I think. Number two, comparing Hamilton County’s finest to glorified baby sitters, well, I wouldn’t go THAT far, but I’d say she had just about hit the nail on the head. Stay with me here. Without adequate jail space what other choice do they have than to just release these animals into the wild and hope for the best? All they can do is hope these buffoons show up for their court dates and/or report to their probation/parole officers.

The Hamilton County sheriff’s office is NOT being paid to baby sit criminals, they are being paid to protect the public. How do you expect them to do their job affectively if they don’t have adequate support or tools? This is like telling a journalist to go report a story with a stone tablet and a chisel! I can’t believe the issue of a new jail is even being debated. With several thousand criminals being released in the last several years due to lack of space and NOW Hamilton County is housing criminals in Butler County because Butler has excessive jail space, the jail problem is obvious.

It’s the 34th week of 2006, as of last Sunday there were 56 homicides in this city and the City of Cincinnati is more concerned with catching speeders and red light runners than protecting us from thieves and murders. You find the sense in that, because I haven’t got a clue. Here’s a thought city council, you take that money you want to use for traffic cameras and you put it towards a new jail. A REAL jail, not this tent city pipe dream Leslie Ghiz is dreaming about. 2 weeks ago I was driving up I-71, and within the span of 1 mile I saw 6 CPD officers and a State Highway Patrolman. The Highway Patrol was gunning speeders and then the CPD officers were pulling them over. There were 3 people pulled over, and 3 officers in waiting. Are you telling me that with more than one person being murdered a week in this crazy city, 6 officers should be sitting between Dane Avenue and the Smith-Edwards Exit? Give me a break Cincinnati. Go find the douche that donkey kicked my door!

Now, onto the sheriff’s comments. Simon says we need to support a new jail “for our own safety�??. AWESOME! I think the sheriff should take notes from the bums about proper ways to beg the middle class for money. Telling people their personal safety is being jeopardized is NOT going to make them give you $225 million for a new jail. It’s going to make them start looking for a new county to call home. Get with it guys, the population of Cincinnati (or just Hamilton County in general) for 2 big reasons, that happen to be married to each other. Crime and a school system that is not only crime-ridden, but is sub-par in comparison to more suburban schools.

Cincinnati Public Schools graduated only 77% of it’s seniors last year. Rounding out the worst of the worst are Aiken, Withrow, and Wooward. These schools were only graduating between 40% and 60% of students in the last few years. Now, my mom is a Withrow grad (I won’t name the year) and according to her, you didn’t even have to show up regularly to just pass. The only suburban schools that can even come close to these low marks are: Hamilton High School (74.2%), New Miami Jr/Sr High School (72%), and Amelia High School (78.8%). For those of you not familiar with these areas, they are mostly lower income areas. The rich kids in Hamilton actually attend neighboring Fairfield and Lakota schools. Cincinnati is trying to combat this issue, but a lack of education leads to a lack of growth and employment opportunities, which leads to crime. Doesn’t take a genius to solve that problem, does it? Meanwhile, suburban schools such as the aforementioned Fairfield and Lakota schools as well as, Little Miami and Mason are boasting over 90% graduation rates.

Now, to the end of my lengthy rant. Do I believe we need a new jail? Absolutely. Do I believe it should cost $225 million to erect. Not a chance. There is already some jail space existing (granted it’s full of criminals at the time), but the space is there nonetheless. A new structure is needed, but beyond that and the increased manpower to staff the building, all that’s really needed is some good books, which I’m sure if he asked nicely, Simon could get donated. That’s right, I think criminals should spend their jail time reading books. Required book reports might not be a bad idea. At least then they’d be forced to get some sort of education…

Filed Under: Cincinnati Police Department, Life in Cincinnati | Tagged:

Grillz, Babies and STD’s.

Posted by Nikki on August 22, 2006 2 Comments

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This cat’s got his grillz on! No joke. A dentist in Indiana (Indiana WOULD have this guy..) has put gold teeth on his 1 year old cat. Apparently the cat has a serious under bite and the dentists cat just can’t have that. He claims that the teeth would break off if not reinforced by the grillz. I’m not buying it. What I think happened was this dentists was like, “Wifey, can I pimp my ride?” and she was like “Jigga no” and he was like “Hoe please..” and pimped the cat instead. Just FYI, in case you were considering this for your own pets (I know you were), the cost for pet grillz is comparable to human grillz at $900 per tooth (this is for gold caps, NOT that little retainer jazz that people put over their teeth.) This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. I’ll put my dogs to sleep before I pay $900 to reinforce their teeth and make them look stupid. I believe this purchase to be completely foolish for 2 reasons: 1, it’s a cat. Cats hate people. This cat will never apprecaite its gold teeth. 2, Cats have that Fancy Feast crap that just a bunch of mush. They don’t even NEED teeth because they can just gum that stuff down. If this guy can afford gold teeth for his kitty, surely he can afford something better than a stale bag of Sam’s Choice Kitty Food. Good news though, veterinarians say that gold crowns can be put on a pet without any dental problems. Awesome! Where’s Daisy?!

Canton, Ohio is very busy…getting it’s GROOVE on! Last year 65 of 490 girls at a high school in Canton were pregnant. In response, the school has decided it’s high time to expand it’s sex education programs to address the issue. The new curriculum will continue to teach abstinence, but will add teaching kids to be responsible with their sexual choices. Wow! What a brilliant idea! Not that I’m an advocate for premarital sex, but I think it should be assumed that a lot of teenagers are going to fool around at some point. When 13% of your female student body is pregnant, it’s a safe bet that an even larger percent was getting pretty lucky. I went to a Baptist school and there were pregnant girls there too! It also sounds like this school stole textbooks straight from my high school locker. Apparently the school also feels the need to replace health books that are older than some of the students. One teacher says, “If we had math books from 1988, reading books from 1988, as a parent, I would be furious.�?? Hmm, at Landmark if we’d had books published in 1988 my parents would have been elated. No lie, seventh grade Ohio History book, copyright 1969. A girl in our class said her mom had used the exact same book when she was in junior high. And since when were kids in high school born after 1988?! I’ve finally reached that point where I was in school before these kids were even born. Let’s have a sad moment of old silence…..

Just so you know, the current Ohio state curriculum doe not require sex education, but it does require STD ed, which is generally lumped together with nutrition, drugs and alcohol education. They’re doing an awesome job considering how obese kids are these days, plus how many kids are huffing, snorting, and smoking everything in sight. I bet this class goes something like this, “Kids, eat fruits and veggies, don’t drink or smoke da’ ganja, oh..and those bumps down there, ask yer momma.�??The Canton Health Department statistics through July 2005 show that 104 of the 586 babies born between 2 hospitals were born to mothers between 11 and 19. 11! When I was 11 I barely knew what sex was, much less was I even considering having it nor was I capable of understanding it’s implications. It’s times like this when I embrace my naïve upbringing.

Filed Under: News From All Over, Nonsense | Tagged:

Human Fireball

Posted by Nikki on August 17, 2006 Leave a Comment

So, Dell is recalling laptop batteries due to a propensity to explode. For about 2 days I sat around waiting for my laptop to explode in my lap. However, I found the time to finally explore the issue and find out that my battery will not explode (at least not yet). Obviously, not exploding is a good thing, but admit it, if I was on the news as that girl who exploded you’d ALL be like “Hey, isn’t that Nikki? She’s on fire!”

Filed Under: General | Tagged:

A Quickie

Posted by Nikki on August 16, 2006 Leave a Comment

I have to share this, it’s hilarious:

So, there was this guy at work wearing a hilarious t-shirt, it said: I like my women like I like my coffee (on the front) Ground up and in the freezer (on the back). Hilarity increased exponentially due to the fact that this guy resembled a serial killer.

Filed Under: General | Tagged:

Wal-Mart, A Rage of Harrison Sized Proportions

Posted by Nikki on August 15, 2006 1 Comment

Despite protests, town opposition, torches AND pitchforks, Harrison Ohio will be getting it’s own Wal-Mart. While Harrison hates Wal-Mart because it will detract from it’s small town feel, I hate Wal-Mart for a more practical reason. If you’re the largest discount retailer in the galaxy, OPEN A CHECK OUT LANE!!!

It doesn’t matter what time of day you go to Wal-Mart, there will be approximately 564 people waiting to check out and no more than 3 lanes open at a time. Bonus points, one of those lanes is the tabacco lane, and living in such close proximity to Kentucky, I’ll give you one guess as to which lane is the longest. Not that it REALLY matters in the game of Wal-Mart Life, because that just means the longest lane has 190 people in it as opposed to the 187 in the other two available lanes.

There was a time in my life when I honestly felt Sam Walton could’ve won the presidential race, even though he has been dead since 1992. However, living in an age where instant gratification is 2 seconds to slow and Wal-Mart has pissed off rich neighborhoods everywhere by planting itself in their backyards, I think Big Sam’s popularity is waning. Speaking of Sam’s…..

I believe that Wal-Marts no lane policy has spread like a rogue STD to it’s Warehousing sister, Sam’s. It’s a sad truth, but I am all about a retailer who enables me to purchase 52 pounds of dog food, 48 rolls of toilet paper and a package of Twizzlers that weighs more than both of my legs for approximately $30. What I am NOT all about is standing in line behind a person purchasing enough groceries to feed Luxembourg for 13 weeks, a big screen TV AND a giant trampoline, because that would be the only lane open. Yeah, I know that supervising douche comes over and scans the stuff on my cart for me but this doesn’t solve the problem. I’m still standing in line you moron! Here’s a thought, get me the truck outta here and open a lane. You can have all the scanning fun you can shake at stick at there!

Really, what I’m saying here is low prices are irrelevant if I end up licking my ice cream off Wal-Marts floor before I have the chance to save 36 cents.

Filed Under: Nonsense, Squawk Box | Tagged: