So, in the world where reality trumps fiction,
Cincinnati Doesn’t Disappoint
If I were a cartoon…..
Lucy Van Pelt works hard at being bossy, crabby and selfish. She is loud and yells a lot. Her smiles and motives are rarely pure. She’s a know-it-all who dispenses advice whether you want it or not–and for Charlie Brown, there’s a charge. She’s a fussbudget, in the true sense of the word. She’s a real grouch, with only one or two soft spots, and both of them may be Schroeder, who prefers Beethoven. As she sees it, hers is the only way. The absence of logic in her arguments holds a kind of shining lunacy. When it comes to compliments, Lucy only likes receiving them. If she’s paying one–or even smiling–she’s probably up to something devious.
I believe that this description actually embodies all the is me. I am loud, Aaron complains that I yell a lot, anyone who has ever worked with me can tell you that my smile means that I want something, and I believe my opinion to be the only thing that is right therefore you must hear it. Otherwise you are at a risk for never knowing anything.
Grouch? Hmmmmm, I have received more Grumpy Bear, Grumpy Dwarf & Oscar toys in my life than anyone would imagine humanly possible. My brother bought Aaron the t-shirt “some mornings I wake up grumpy, other days I let her sleep”…because it’s true. If there is anyone who wakes up grumpier than I do, I don’t dare wish to meet them ever, for fear of my life.
The next time I compliment you….be afraid, be very afraid..(no doubt I’m lying!)
1st Awesome of Christmas!!!!
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1st AWESOME OF CHRISTMAS!!! Drum roll please, my Christmas masterpiece is at the end…wipe your tears kids, because I saved the best for last: 1st Awesome of Christmas…those ornaments!! Ok, so I have always had the same ornaments. Christmas wouldn’t be the same without the staple ornaments: Baby’s 1st Christmas 1981, my white bunny in a roller skate, Care Bears Merry Christmas 1983 & my Kermit the Frog/Miss Piggy Merry Christmas 1984. However, my mom’s Christmas ornaments might trump mine. My mom was a 4 year-old Sunday school teacher at my church from 1984-2004, and she got a lot of ornaments. However, there is one that she got when I was 4 from a kid I went to school (k-12th grade). It’s not at all Christmasy, I mean..it’s a beehive, with little felt bees on it. My mom will hang it on the tree every year and say “TJ gave me this ornament�?. Then she has this ornament that is the only ornament she had as a child, and it still has fake snow crusted on it. Then there’s dad’s one ornament, that’s right..his ONE ornament. It’s a manger scene, it’s a light up glass ornament and about the size of a small plate. Apparently, it’s all about size for dad’s ornaments. Every year when we were younger my grandma would give us ornaments. Now, my mom says it was only until we were 16, however, I know that I got ornaments up until I was 18. As previously stated, grandma is blind..and you can actually tell when she started to go blind in my ornaments..like, they get progressively uglier, until she started giving away her own Christmas ornaments. My dad would have two ornaments, but I got one as my annual ornament from grandma. Then there’s the ornaments you have to guard from Anna May (dad’s sister, mother of Brenda, also thief of grandma), namely the “Easter Poop�? & Grandma and Grandpa’s 50th Anniversary Ornament. I’ll start with the latter. It’s an ornament that has a picture of my grandparents standing in front of our church. My dad took the picture, my mom bought the ornament, so when grandma gave away all her ornaments she gave it back to them. Anna May wants it badly, and you have to keep an eye on her when she’s standing at our Christmas tree crying over it, or she’ll steal it. Fo Sho! Then there’s the Easter Poop, which was actually my grandma’s Easter purse in 1929. There’s actually a piece of paper in it that says “Easter purse 1929�?). Well, this was my last Christmas ornament from grandma. It’s just a small basket, like..it actually looks like an ornament. Being the youngest grandchild, and since grandma had been blind since I was 10, I pretty much got whatever she pulled out of her own ornament collection for years anyways. When I opened this ornament, grandma said “It’s my Easter Purse�?, and you actually heard Anna May gasp. She turned to Brenda and commented about how she had wanted that ornament. I of course heard this comment because Anna May & Brenda both have one volume, ear bleeding loud. So anyways, it is also an ornament that you have to watch when Anna May is over, or else she’ll steal. Scott and I have created this scenario that Anna May would hid this ornament in her rectum and sneak it out of the house as if it were heroin..and thus you know about one of my favorite ornaments, the Easter Poop. |
2nd Awesome of Christmas
2nd awesome of Christmas: that 70’s box.
My mom has this decorative box that doesn’t need to be wrapped, and I’m pretty positive that she’s been using it since about 1973. It’s like gold foil with holly berries & poinsettias all over it. Now, it’s important to understand, my parents never started wrapping presents until my brother and I went to bed on Christmas Eve. Even when I was like 16, my parents would try to shove me into bed at
However, this box now serves a greater purpose, and no…not a picture present. This box no longer holds just any sweater. This box is now reserved for the present my mom bought for herself. Yeah, you read it right..the present she buys for herself. My mom decides that she should reward herself for not killing anyone, or maiming any children during the holidays and buys herself a gift. She then proceeds to wrap it in a very ugly box.
3rd Awesome of Christmas
We’re getting down to the awesomes that are especially dear to my heart. The 3rd awesome, a fight will break out. Not a violent fight, come on people what kind of family of animals do you think I come from?! Besides, we stopped having Christmas with mom’s family years ago. I’m talking about a paper war.
At some point, dad or Scott will throw a wrapping paper ball at me, while I am busy staring off into space. I will angrily throw a paper ball back. This all continues with much laughter until some moron (usually dad) hits mom….usually in the face. Mom will then stomp off, yelling about how none of us knows how to behave, we’re all a bunch of animals, she’s going to start feeding us from bowls on the front porch & she’s tired of the crap.
4th Awesome of Christmas
4th awesome of Christmas: Snooping Snoopy! My mom is the biggest snooper ever! (and she loves snoopy). She ALWAYS knows what my dad has gotten her well before Christmas, like to the point that I’m surprised my dad even buys her things. Mom’s snoopy radar is especially alert when it comes to jewelry.
When my parents had been married 25 years my mom whined and whine from April on about how much she wanted an anniversary ring. My dad finally caved in and bought her one for Christmas. So, on Christmas day mom is very excited, right? Well, Scott & I were playing a computer hockey game he had gotten (I heart those EA sports) and we hear dad yell “WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN THE TRUNK OF MY CAR?!�? and then mom cackles that evil laugh. Mom just “happened�? to take dad’s car the day after he bought the ring and it was hidden in the trunk. By hidden..i mean it was hidden where the spare tire is…mom had to actually SEARCH for it. This qualifies her for the snoopy mcsnoop snoop award of all time. Except that time Scott found the Nintendo hidden in mom’s sewing cabinet in the basement….but he gets that stuff from mom.
It’s to the point that for their 32nd wedding anniversary Dad just took her to Helzberg and told her to pick out the ring she wanted. There’s no sense in trying to hide it from her, she’ll just search through the trash till she finds it.
5th Awesome of Christmas
5th Awesome of Christmas: STOCKING STUFFERS!!!!
I can tell you that every year I will get 1 pair of panty hose, a Clinque eye shadow due in bronze satin/ivory bisque, a milky way nutcracker & a can of smoked almonds in my stocking. Scott will get 1 pair of dress socks, along with his own milky way nutcracker & can of almonds. Dad will get whoppers & cashews instead of a milky way and almonds.
These are not the only items in our stockings, however they are stocking staples. As a matter of fact, I have considered asking my mom to forgo the eyeshadow this year because I still have 2 in the bathroom drawer that I haven’t opened. Plus, I just threw one away last week, not because it was empty but because I felt that it was old. Cosmo would be so proud of me throwing away my old make-up, with their crazy rules about throw it out after 3 months…do they realize how expensive that crap is!?! I can only afford it because someone else buys it for me!!!
Each year my mom buys more items than will fit in the stockings, or she just flat out buys “stocking stuffers�? that don’t have an ice cubes chance of fitting into the stocking. My parents have quite a large mantel, and there will be 20 boxes, without nametags just piled all over the mantel. Whoever is playing Santa for that moment is stuck standing there like “MOM! Who gets this?!�? It’s like mom knows who gets what by the wrapping paper, even though the wrapping paper is all holly berries and waving santa’s..i can’t see any difference. For the love of all that is holy…just put a name tag on it!!!!
6th Awesome of Christmas
6th Awesome of Christmas
6th Awesome of Christmas: random wrapped boxes. My mom will shove a present in any box. It doesn’t matter where the box came from, if the gift fits my mom is using it.
One year she bought my dad a new winter coat to wear to work, but she didn’t have a box in which the coat would fit. So, my mom rummaged around and found a Clorox box from Sam’s. She shove that coat down into this box, and for dad’s picture present it looked like dad got some bleach.
My mom’s personal favorite is to wrap the Elder-Beerman boxes that are probably 15 years old. They have to be taped together or else they fall apart when you try to wrap them. It’s the worst thing ever, because my mom is the goddess of scotch tape, therefore not only does she tape the corners up..she tapes the lids on. It takes a good 5 minutes to unwrap the dumb things..and then the box pretty much dissolves in your hand.
Another Mommy favorite is to wrap dad & Scott’s presents in Petite Sophisticate boxes. Then when she takes pictures it looks like they wear women’s clothes. Yeah, my family rules.
7th Awesome of Christmas
what a treat..the 7th awesome is also not meijer related. all i have to say for this awesome is 2 words: picture presents.
every year there is one gift for each person under the tree that my mom is particularly proud of purchasing. it’s the one gift she is absolutely positive that you will enjoy, although it’s not usually something you actually asked for, it’s usually pretty frickin’ sweet. now, you know when you have picked this present because mom drops whatever she is pretending to like and yells “hang on a second!” and goes running for the camera. it’s become quite a joke in the family, as one person touches the golden ticket of presents and mom grabs the camera, someone else will yell “awwww yeah!”. we have pictures of people opening coats, mine are usually the yearly hippo (i heart the hippos…more than i heart the superficial), stereos…all random stuff. regardless of whether or not this present is favorite of the year or not, i always love how excited mom gets about the picture presents, therefore i heart this moment.
8th Awesome of Christmas
the 8th awesome of christmas has nothing to do with meijer..yay! everyone clap, but don’t get the clap..because that will NOT make this list, considering there is nothing awesome about that. anyways…here it is: Grandma gives cash.
why this is awesome actually has NOTHING to do with cash. it has to do with the fact that grandma is 86 years old and has been blind for the last 14 years or so. she’s not shopping anywhere, because she’s too feisty to put up with mallrats and there would be a purse-swinging hate crime fo sho! that and she can’t walk more than 50 feet without needing a rest (God bless her heart, she even splurged for the deluxe walker with the built in seat)..thus she hands out the kiz-ash.
cash is dispersed in a hierarchical manner. (3) kids & their spouses receive one amount,(7) grandkids & their spouses receive a lesser amount and finally (10) great-grandchildren receive an even lesser amount. I’ll be honest, it’s not a HUGE amount of money, but it’s also a decent amount that we grand & great-grand kids are receiving…so great-grandkids should shut their pie-holes and be lucky they have a great-grandma who is so fabulous!
here is where the cash gets key, so pay close attention or you won’t get the awesome and if i have to explain it i’m going to commit a hate crime of my own. there are only 2 grand-daughters: Brenda (oldest grandchild, Jabba the Hut stunt double, societal shame & thief of grandma’s money) and myself (youngest grandchild, Olive Oil stunt double, 8th wonder of the world & not robbing my grandma blind after having filed for bankruptcy). Brenda is like 42 and her oldest (illegitimate) child is only 8 days younger than myself. so, brenda somehow discovered that my husband was receiving more christmas money from dear, sweet grandma than her spawn because aaron is a grandchild & her minions are only great-grandchildren. so, brenda breaches this subject with my grandma who replies “aaron is a grandchild, jess & daniel are great-grandchildren. if you think they should have more money, maybe you should tell their grandmother to give it to them.” i heart grandma & all things that annoy brenda. however..brenda learned to rob grandma from her mom…so in essence, if their grandmother DID give them more money, it would only be coming from my grandma’s pocket anyways.